Oh God. No words can express how happy I am right now. I just got the greatest gift any student can ever, ever receive - good grades.

I'm more than satisfied. I am absolutely ecstatic and, more than anything, relieved. I was afraid that taking up Discrete Structures was a mistake (which, after more than one quiz, I actually thought was true.); it would just jeopardize my happy GPA. Also, when I did the math for my Psych 101, it came out as a 89.52, which is a B+. I guess Annette (my TA) fought for me so I could get an A. SWEET.

Ah, life is good. Life is so fucking good.

Thanks to the Supreme Being. Thanks to my friends who kept me going. Thanks to my beloved Andy. Thanks everyone! :]

*sigh*

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 10:09 PM |



Perhaps the most painful part about working in food service is having to deal with customer attitudes. Some of them say (and they can be so very cruel) that we are being paid to keep up with their moods. The only other people who have to put up with such crap are therapists, and those guys are paid by the hundred.

I think there is nothing worse that being treated like you are scum of the earth just because you are on the other side of the counter, just because you are the one wearing the visor and the apron. True, we must be financially desperate to cling to such menial work. And true, some of us are really to stupid to even attempt working anywhere else. But it is not difficult to treat us like people, because as much as customers would like to think we are selling our souls to them, all we are really selling are the products. Pride excluded.

If you plan to tip us just so you can treat us like shit, please keep your money. Our feelings are just as valid as yours and we would rather that you treat us accordingly than you spare us a few pennies.

---------------
Are you tired too? :(

Labels: feelings, pissed

kitten posted @ 10:27 PM |



I guess I blame this all on hope, the hope that I had about... whatever this is. I have, as always, allowed myself to get carried away. I so desperately believed that despite all the things that have changed, he and I remained the same. I wanted him to be the same man I knew, I wanted to be the same girl he knew, and I wanted to have that friendship so badly I had forgotten... *sigh*

This is why exs should stay exs. This is why you don't call, IM or even think about them...

I guess the reason I'm hurt more than I should be is the fact that I had hoped that he would understand everything without my having to explain. But when I talked to him today, he drove me into a corner and threw punches at me. And I felt something I haven't felt in a while - I felt like I had to defend myself. Oh, I took each and every blow he had for me. I was silent as he spoke. But when he was done, I fought back. I argued. I screamed.

Then he said "Mag-aaway ba talaga tayo?"

I couldn't speak because I was too busy trying to stop myself from crying.

"Umiiyak ka ba? Wag ka umiyak. Sorry."

No, you can't wreck things and just apologize to make it better. That's what I should have said anyway. But I said "Hindi. Hindi ako umiiyak. Tinalikuran ko na yang buhay na yan matagal na. Mauubos lang ang luha mo kakaiyak tapos wala paring mangyayari." Which is the truth, of course. But I never thought, at least not recently, that he would, and even could, make me cry.

I feel so worthless because I want to be a writer, because I choose to stay here in the United States, because I am me. I was so sure he would understand everything.

So much for certainty.

---------------
My great uncle's in the ICU. His wife is starting this simultaneous prayer thing. If I'm not mistaken, they're doing it at 2am EST.

This is probably going to sound cruel, and I'm sure this is not the right time to prove to my family that the Christian god is whack, but I'm thrilled to see what will happen next.

Oh, you guys can pray all you want, but believe me, you can't stop the inevitable. Trust me, I've tried. And that god of yours will just sit there and watch it happen.

Bitter much?

Labels: feelings, religion

kitten posted @ 11:57 PM |



Nag-usap kami nung New Year's Eve. Bedroom voice pa siya nung magkausap kami. Tinatanong ko siya kung gusto niya matulog ulit, sabi niya gising na daw siya.

Sabi niya sa'kin, malungkot daw yung bagong taon. Tinanong ko kung bakit at ang sagot niya sa'kin ay hindi niya daw alam. Tapos sabi niya malungkot din daw yung pasko. Tinanong ko bakit tapos ang sagot niya sa'kin "Kasi diba death anniversary ni Papa?"

I felt so stupid. I knew, of course, that his father died some eleven years ago on Christmas Day. It was the most painful story he ever told me, and he shared it with me the night he came to see my grandma when she died and I wouldn't stop crying. I just feel so guilty that I forgot. And the way he asked me, my god, he expected me to remember and I should have. I don't know why I didn't.

Sorry. :(

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 10:42 AM |



Today was my last day. I feel...

Dammit. I can't even put my feelings into words.

They were so nice. They made me a card the size of Texas. They all signed it and... *sigh* They got me a cake, which we already ate, haha. And they gave me fuzzy bag. And they gave me stuff from Bath and Body Works. And they made me an honorary Tiger. *heartmelt* And they hugged me, really hugged me. It was so... And they said they want me to come back, that I was welcome to come back, even if it's just to visit.

*cries*

I don't even know why I'm writing this here. You people don't give a shit. Oh wait, this is my blog, I'll write whatever I want.

Tutoring at Snyder has been wonderful. Sure, on some days, I wanted to call out because I was tired or needed to do something else, but whenever I dragged my ass up that building and see the kids, all I can think of is how I love them all. They made me feel... Yeah, they made me feel.

I have been so blessed, so blessed. My coming to Snyder every week was my way of giving all of that back. Now that I've... *cries* Can't. Verbalize.

I want to go back. I've fallen in love with all of them. :(

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 11:38 PM |



I was about forty-five minutes early for the Calculus exam, which is fine since I had Becca to kill time with. While she and I desperately tried to study, our hands were a lovely knot I held on my lap.

She looked up from her work and asked me what I was thinking about.

"Nothing. Just. Nothing. Forget it," I said.

"No, tell me."

"I'll tell you after the exam, okay?"

"You'll tell me now," she said.

"Or else what?"

"No 'or else' because you'll tell me now," she said.

I told her about the teacher certification process. I told her about the citizenship requirement. I told her everything I was thinking, everything I was feeling. I emptied myself completely because I knew she would understand.

"Well, just get naturalized then. It's no big deal," she said.

I frowned. "No big deal? If it's no big deal, why get naturalized at all? This is a big deal. It's a very big deal," I told her. I was trying not to sound upset.

"Everything to you is a big deal."

"What does that mean?"

"Look, getting naturalized is practical more than anything else, okay? It doesn't make you any less Filipino or any more American. It's just a piece of paper."

"No, it's not. I don't want to be an American. Don't you get it? I love being Filipino."

"You don't have to stop being Filipino."

"But I'll be American."

"It just helps you get around. You'll need a decent job, you'll need property, you'll need to get naturalized sooner or later if you intend to stay here."

I sighed. "I feel like I'm betraying a part of me," I told her. I was sad.

"Just think of it as one of those things you have to do because you don't have a choice."

"But I do have a choice."

It was then that I noticed how aggravated she was getting. For a moment, I was afraid. I squeezed my hand to squeeze hers but I realized that she had let go of mine. She was shaking her head. She was laughing, pretending the impending signs of doom weren't there.

A cold fear gripped every single part of my body. I sought her hand. I needed to hold it, to feel it. I needed the comfort that only she could bring. But she folded her arms. And I was left staring at the floor where we sat, praying that none of it was so.

"You're different, and you're wonderful..."

I looked at her. She kept talking. But I wasn't catching the words. All that I understood was "not working" and "too different for me and for your own good."

I don't know what she was waiting for me to say. I didn't understand more than half of what she said. I just looked at her. I just kept looking. And all the while I was thinking, "No. Don't leave me," but somehow the words would not come.

"Say something," she said. "Say anything."

"I think, Becca, you already spoke for the both of us."

--------------
Mabuhay ang Moonpools and Caterpillars! I haven't listened to these guys since I broke the tape I had of their album, Lucky Dumpling. Think about it, the album was on a tape. Some of you people reading this might even be saying "What's a tape?" Idiots.

But before I had any of the [little] knowledge of music that I had now, I've already loved them. It was a shame that they only made one official record, and that they never made it big. Their music makes me really, really want to go home. I don't know if people can hear it, but in their music I hear the makings of Parokya ni Edgar, Barbie's Cradle, the original Imago, and maybe even Moonstar88 before they got all jologs. And if I were not the die-hard Moonpools fan that I am, I would say that their music is home-grown, but it's not. They were Glendale-based. And, haha, the reason I started listening to them was because I heard my aunt would blast the cassette recoder while she and I did our chores.

"One day soon it's gonna happen to you and when it does it won't be pretty."

Hear that Becca?

Labels: feelings, pissed

kitten posted @ 11:06 PM |



I stood near the end of the line for the bus as I waited for everybody else to board. I looked around and saw that there were only a handful of us still waiting to get on. The [no-so-old] man standing in front of me signalled me to go on before he did. I smiled then shook my head. He smiled then said something, but I didn't catch it because my Zen [as usual] was playing really loud. I pulled one earphone out and asked "What?"

He said "Age before beauty, right?"

I managed to force a laugh and then I said, "No, it's not that. I live pretty close by so I don't really need to get a seat."

The truth is that I was pretty embarassed by what he said. Age before beauty. Had it been a younger man, I would have gladly stepped in front of him and said thank you. But it wasn't a young man. It was an old man. I am so ashamed because I forgot, for a second there, that he wasn't just an old person. He was a man too, whose manliness depended on showing off his chivalry to young'uns like me. After all, there are other qualities that define manliness besides brute strength even after brute strength is gone.

Chivalry is not dead
But it hangs by a thread.

I didn't mean for that to rhyme. But whatever. It works. :)

---------------
I learned a new word today: Facefucked. Hm, it's a good word. It means "stalked at Facebook." I love talking to Igor. It's always a learning experience.

Sure, let that be the reason why I love talking to him.

Labels: feelings, thoughts

kitten posted @ 7:15 PM |



C+ hurts.

Somebody bake me some brownies... NOW.

[The analogy, I've been told, is to be hurt as many times as possible for

1. not being good,
2. not being good enough,
3. the amusement of other people, and
4. the sake of it.

Because at some point, the passion will burn more than the pain. What a sadistic world we live in.] [I don't know if I like that.] [Up yours, C+.]

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 10:06 PM |



Things that I have [re]learned about Jayar thus far:

• He's moved out of Tita's house.
• He now works as a graphic designer
• According to him, he's more mature.
• He now has no problems whatsoever in referring to god or God or GOD, whatever works for you.
• He still loves bavarian creme donuts. Cute, yes?
• He's still a (hardcore) musician but has gone from bassist to vocalist.

Well, exchanging emails with him has done me little good [or too much bad, depends on how you want to look at it. And don't ask me which one I think is more possitive. I'm not about to get into an argument due to the intricacies of the English language.]. But there's no sense pretending like I don't want him to email me or that I don't look forward to his next message. I mean, I email him back, for chrissakes. That means I want to hear from him again, diba? *facepalm*

The main point here is this: People don't keep in touch just for the sake of keeping in touch. I'm a cynic, I have trust issues, I overthink things... I've heard them all, save it for my first trip to the therapist. I just can't seem to get it out of my head, you know? If I had my way, I'd type up WHAT DO YOU WANT? just to get it over with. Foreplay is only good for sex, people. Tsk, I hate preliminaries.

---------------
I wish people would stop compensating for their inadequacies.

---------------
When my playlist choice goes from Lo-fi to Emo, you know something's up.

Labels: feelings, nonsense

kitten posted @ 8:41 PM |



Fuck.

I said I'd write my English paper. Instead, I'm absorbed by Candace's blog. I'm worried about her. I think she cut herself last night. :(

[These are the times I am reminded of how she is a mirror image of me. The only thing we don't have in common is that she's a slut and I'm not that... Okay, I'm stumped.]

Walked in the rain today. Sweeeeet.

I love Candy. Wait, what? I meant candy that you eat. Yeah. Like chocolate and stuff. Yeah. That's what I meant.

I should get started on that paper...

[edit]

I'm getting myself some new nail polish tomorrow. This sadness is killing me.

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 8:07 PM |



There was a time when I thought you were perfect for me. There was a time when I thought you were perfect for her. Now, I think the only person you're perfect for is yourself.

Until I see the real you, the Phil that I knew and loved, I will keep telling myself that this is just your defenses kicking in. I will take nothing against you - not your words and not your actions. I know that I cannot protect you from the pains of the world, especially the ones that you have inflicted on yourself, and this is just your way of coping. I understand. I will always understand.

I am not your enemy, Phil. I am on your side too. I wish you'd see that. You are hurting me more than you realize.

*cries*

---------------
There are no more words, only a painful realization that it's time to burn bridges.

And the decline begins...

Bye, happy days. Somehow I knew you were too good to last.

Labels: feelings, thoughts

kitten posted @ 11:03 PM |



If you're still cutting after you've cut through the flesh and the pain, what are you cutting through?

I never understood why my friends made such a big deal of my cutting. Now, I do. And I feel more helpless than I have ever felt.

I'll tell you to stop. I'll tell you that this is not the way to deal with things. But I know that some things just have to be done. When you've made up your mind to do it, then you will. That's how I've always been, anyway.

But when the pain has left you, forget everything you've learned about cutting and never pick up a razor again. It's a vicious cycle. I'm in it and I don't want you to be in there too.

I love you. Whatever it is, it too shall pass.

---------------
Phil: Did you message me last night?
Kitten: I don't believe I did.
Phil: I know you didn't. You're not putting much effort at keeping in touch.

--
Well, if I wasn't putting much effort in to keeping in touch, it was with good reason. I can't believe it still hasn't sunk in. He still doesn't get it.

He still does it even if he knows he's going to get into a fight with her, my friend said. And he does. It's either he's really, really daft and doesn't get it, or it just doesn't matter to him whether he gets into a fight with her or not.

I think it's sweet. My idea of romance needs tweaking.

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 7:04 AM |



Unang-una, masakit ang katawan ko. Mahirap maging bago sa isang trabaho. Dahil bago ka, inaasahan ka ng mga taong kumilos ng mabuti at dahil dun, pinababayaan ka na lang nilang magtrabaho. Ikaw pagod, sila hindi. Nakakatawa, pero mas nakakaiyak.

Ayun na nga. Masakit ang katawan ko. Pero higit pa sa sakit ng katawan ko ay ang hindi ko maipaliwanag na kapaguran kong emosyonal. Kaya lang kapag sinabi kong "hindi maipaliwanag na kapagurang emosyonal" para bang ipinalalabas ko na walang kadahilanan ang nararamdaman kong kapaguran, at iyon ay hindi totoo. Ano nga ba ang dahilan kung bakit ako ay pagod na pagod na?

Minsan ko lang sasabihin ito. Marahil ito ay dahil likas lamang akong mapagmataas; kung maiiwasan ay hindi ko sanang nais na mapaalalahanan sa kasaklapan ng aking buhay. Pero para maintindihan niyo kung bakit nagkakaganito ako, eto ang dahilan: Mahirap maging mahirap.

Nakakatawa. Iniwan ng pamilya ko ang Pilipinas para kalimutan ang kahirapang kinalakhan namin at ng aming mga magulang. Tinalikuran namin ang lahat ng aming kinagisnan dahil umaasa kami na giginhawa kami dito sa ibayong dagat. Pero pag dating namin dito, tila yata lalo pa akong naging pamilyar sa kahirapang pilit ng mga magulang kong inilalayo sa akin.

Masaya ako at nakabalik na ako sa paaralan. Sana sa loob ng apat na taon, makatapos na rin ako nang hindi na ako kasali sa mga intindihin ng mga magulang ko. Pero kapag iniisip ko ang mga mangyayari sa loob ng apat na taon na yun, nanghihina ako. Kasi bago ako makatapos, kailangan ko muna ng perang pambayad sa paaralan, kailangan ko muna ng perang pambili ng mga libro, cuaderno at panulat, kailangan ko muna ng pamasahe o pambili ng gas para sa kotse... KAILANGAN KO MUNA NG PERA. Siguro pera ang pinakamalaking usapin dito.

Isipin niyo na lang, isang taon akong nagtrabaho. Nasanay ang pamilya ko na isa ako sa sumusustento sa amin. Ngayong nag-aaral na ako ulit, gusto ko sana na tumigil nang magtrabaho para makapag-aral ako ng mabuti. Kaya lang dahil nakasanayan na namin ang mayroon pang isang taong kumikita sa pamilya namin, nabigla kami nang tumigil ako sa pagtatrabaho. Wala pala kaming pambili ng mga libro ko... Wala pala kaming pera para sa pamasahe o gas. WALA PALA KAMING PERA.

Kaya ba't kahit na pagod na ako sa pagbyahe paroon at parito sa loob ng isang linggo sa paaralan, pilit ko paring binabangon ang katawan kong wala nang ibang nais kung hindi matulog. Kaya ba't kahit na naiinis ako sa mga bago kong kasama sa trabaho, pumapasok parin ako. Wala akong magagawa. Ito ang nakatakda.

Hindi naman ako makareklamo sa mga magulang ko. Alam ko na nahihirapan din sila. Lahat naman kami nahihirapan eh. Kaya lang, siguro hindi pa ako handa sa ganitong klaseng buhay. Ganito pala ang buhay matanda, ano? Mas maraming responsibilidad kaysa kalayaan.

Naiiyak ako. Para sa akin, wala akong ginawa para mangyari sa akin lahat ng ito. Gusto kong takasan na lang ang lahat. Pero hindi naman yun ganun-ganun na lang diba? Sabi nga nung tiya ko, Most problems will work themselves out. Others, you will have to face head on.

Hay buhay alamang: pag lukso'y patay.

---------------
A person can never have absolute priorities, only relative priorities within relative circumstances. :(

Save me. :(

Labels: feelings, stories

kitten posted @ 8:45 PM |



I don't know if it's just because of me working at Hoboken, but all the anxiety I felt last night has left me.

I took the bus to Hoboken. It was around 7 when I got to the river park and, my god, was it just beautiful down there! I mean, I'm almost always there, but you never know how beautiful a place actually is until it's crowned with a glorious sunrise. I sat down at the park bench, took out my paper's outline and draft, and just basked in the glow. GANDA. SARAP.

At quarter to 8, I got up and started walking to work. Then there was this flock of birds that flew in the pink sky and that sight just left me in awe. I wish I could share this hopeful feeling I have in me. It feels wonderful. :)

*sigh*

Nick didn't give me work until Saturday. Yeheees. I have time to study for lab. And calculus. And I have time to do my papers in Social Control and Deviance, and English. Yeheeey. Oooh, oooh. And I get paid on Tuesday.

My friend was right. Things do work out.

To appreciate the beauty of life, one must stop looking and start seeing.

Labels: feelings, me

kitten posted @ 7:41 PM |





I took a secret and made it my own. Thank you, whoever you are, for writing these words. I'm afraid I will never have the courage to say them myself...

I miss Phil. I really do.

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 12:37 AM |



I came to school today with this awful feeling at the pit of my stomach. It was the same kind of feeling that I get when I'm about to give a speech. It was the same kind of awful anticipation I experience when my parents tell me they have to talk to me. I guess the word I'm looking for is dread.

So I tried to figure out what it was that I was dreading that early in the morning. I was pretty confident I had everything I needed for the day. And I was sure that I wasn't late as I was in fact early. I kept taking deep breaths, trying to relieve myself from that terrible feeling that would not leave me.

It wasn't until I was in Bio class that I realized what it was.

I remember talking to Phil last week about school. I asked him how it was and he replied Tiring. I like it though. It feels like no one is pressuring me anymore. Like it's all on and my own interest to succeed. I was so proud of him then. I really was. What he said was just... so like him.

But what he said doesn't apply to me. It just doesn't. No, the pressure isn't gone. It has increased. And regardless of my (lack of) interest to succeed, people expect me succeed. Why? Because I'm in the honors program. Because I'm allegedly a genius in my craft. Because people picked out a label, stuck into my forehead without asking me whether or not I wanted that label on me.

*inhales deeply*

It was Dr. Hotaling (Oh-teh-ling) that did it. It was her ambivalence. It was her apathy. It was... It was everything she said, it was everything she did, it was everything she was. It was her expectation for all of us to walk away with an A for that class.

It's tough. It's really tough. Especially because back in second year, it was my partner who did the poking and probing of our poor, paralyzed frog; because I have no interest in slicing up roaches to see their silvery whatnots and their yellowy whathaveyous. And I pity my poor little fetal pig because I have to cut her (or him) up just so I could study her (or his) stupid digestive system. Oh gawd. And the sheep's brain! The horror. *sobs*

But it's not just about cutting things open. No. What I'm really worried about is not living up to the expectations of people around me.

So this is what it feels like to be a chick counted before it's hatched.

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 3:26 PM |



School
I love school. <3 I'm extremely pleased to be back in school. I mean, sure, the TA for my Bio class speaks little to no English and pronounces AIDS as "ass" but it was still fun. And sure, my Calculus teacher is frail and I can't hear her discuss functions even if I'm seated four rows from the front, and she assigned ten pages worth of assignments. I still love school.

I can't tell you how happy I was to walk along University Avenue, reading the flags that declared that I was at Rutgers. I can't tell you how wonderful the sun felt on my skin as I made my way through class, up to the bookstore and down to student services. It was glorious. It is glorious. I can't wait to do it again tomorrow.

Oh. The Engineering department contacted me today. Apparently my courses aren't fit for the program. Well, duh, that's because I'm not taking engineering! I guess I was listed under engineering, I don't know why, but yeah. Have to deal with that before the week's done.

Love
Lalala. I'm happy. He makes me happy. Sure, he'll make me miserable in about, oh, two minutes from the moment you read this, but he still makes me happy. Very happy. Very, very happy. Even when he does absolutely nothing. :)

Nap
I had to walk to Journal Square (That's where I take the train) because I don't have a bus pass, which shouldn't have been a problem except I didn't have cash on me. I also had to walk back from Rutgers to the train station, again, because I didn't have a buss pass and I didn't have cash.

I otherwise wouldn't have minded walking. I love walking, in fact. Except I've never walked that far with 3 pounds worth of books on my back. I guess that's why I was beat when I got home.

So I took a nap. And what a nap it was! :)

Then I did my Calculus homework. I'm so happy to be back in school, I don't even care that I had so much work to do. Haha.

Ooh, ooh! I want to extend my thanks to Armando or whatshisface. I don't know. But my package from Philippines (It had my Cattleya fillers in it. Haha.) was accidentally delivered to his house. He was sooo nice, he called me on my cellphone to let me know. Unfortunately, I was napping when he called. When I returned his call, I told him I'd pick it up tomorrow after school but he told me he would stop by the house once he's done shopping at Walmart. I was so stunned at the randomness of it all, I couldn't decline. (Good people still roam this earth. Aren't you glad?)

Yey. He dropped it off while my nose was buried in my Calculus textbook. My brother took it. I didn't even get to thank him properly. And I'm sure my brother thought he was just some delivery guy. :( But yes. I want the world to know that Armando or Martino or whatshisface, who lives in 93 Fleet Street, Jersey City, is a wonderdful, wonderful man. Many thanks. :)

Wee. I now have a bus pass, thank God. I won't be as beat tomorrow as I was today. Aaand I only have Honors English and Freshman Colloquium tomorrow and those are the classes that have NO TEXTBOOKS. *sigh*

Thank you for the perfect day. :) Bukas ulit ha?

Labels: feelings, stories

kitten posted @ 9:21 PM |



*sobs*

I don't think I will enjoy Mae's concert tomorrow. Tuesday, three days til Friday.

*sobs*

Don't go away...
Say that you'll stay forever and a day... :(

Alam mo yun. Kelangan kasi birthday ko pa yung last day niya eh. He could have picked any day. Sheeet. Hindi eh. Sinakto talaga sa birthday ko, tanginang yan.

Naiiyak nga ako kanina while we were talking. Alam mo yun. Feeling ko, lahat last na. Tipong kung hindi lang ako papagalitan ni Myra tsaka ni Jen, inakap-akap ko na siya.

Sinipa-sipa ko nga siya kanina eh. Alam mo yun. Naiinis kasi ako eh. Kasi kahit masakit, kahit mahirap, wala akong magawa... Wala akong magawa. :(

ANYWAY, ayoko na yun isipin. Nadedepress lang ako, hello.

Tomorrow: Mae @ Blender Theater at Gramercy :) + Singularity's (Mae's newest album) release

Labels: feelings, nonsense

kitten posted @ 10:15 PM |



She's our great neutralizer. It's almost funny that only a couple of weeks ago, I was still madly in love with her. Now, although I still can't say that my heart is completely devoid of any and all feelings for her, she's just that - a neutralizer.

We were done for the night. I was standing at the bottom stairs waiting for Jen. I could see him standing there, waiting for me. Then I saw her, at the vestibule, waiting for him, as he was waiting for me, as I was waiting for Jen. She started banging on the glass. She wanted to get in. I forced myself to look away. If I saw him hold her, I saw her kiss him, I would die. It's one thing to know that circumstances are hard, but it's another to actually see it.

She was still banging on the glass. I was pretty sure the tenants could hear the racket from upstairs. I looked in their direction, he was still there, waiting for me. I looked away. I heard the door open. He let her in.

There were no hugs and no kisses. I was getting tired of waiting for Jen, so I hollered Jen, you're taking forever. but what I really meant to say was Come here. I don't think I could go through this alone...

Kitten... she called from where she was. I knodded in acknowledgement, but went back to looking up the stairwell. I hollered again Jen! Quickly please.

Then I was surprised by a pair of arms that went around me. (I find that, when I isolate that moment, I close my eyes in reverie.) It was her... And she was holding me.

You scared me. Oh my god, you scared me. I said while laughing. She was laughing with me. I turned around into the embrace and held her, held her really, really tight.

Oh, now you hug me. I waved to you and you were all like Psh. Whatever. Now look at you. I couldn't stop myself from smiling... I stayed in her arms. I have missed her.

I have missed you. she said in her sweetest voice.

No, you didn't. I said with resentment.

Yes, I did. she insisted.

No, you didn't. Don't lie. I said.

But before she could answer, we both became aware that he was watching us. I let her go and went back to looking up the stairwell. Soon, Jen came down the stairs and we headed to the vestibule.

We stood there, silent and hesitant, until Phil walked away. She wrapped her arms around me again, and I kissed her cheek.

I'll talk to you later okay? she said.

Okay. Bye, sweetheart. I said.

Then they were gone...

---------------
If there's one thing he and I have in common, it's that we dedicate a great part of our lives for that woman and neither of us knows why.

---------------
I wish Friday would never come. Goodbyes are never easy. And the anticipation is killing us.

Huhu.

He laughed at that. He didn't know what huhu was and when I told him, he laughed at me. He said that I was cute. I said that he thought I was stupid and just didn't want to say it. He said that he didn't say I was stupid, he said I was cute.

*sigh*

Don't go away, say what you say
Say that you'll stay
Forever and a day, in the time of my life
Coz I need more time, yes I need more time
Just to make things right...
~from Don't Go Away by Oasis

*sigh* I think I shall cry!

Labels: feelings, love

kitten posted @ 11:13 PM |



"I don't understand a God who will let us meet when there is no way we can ever be together."
~Maggie (Meg Ryan), from the movie City of Angels

...
Exactly. Exaaactly.

Had. Circumstances. Been. Different. Had circumstances been different...

May the music of Oasis heal my soul.

----------------
There's this '68 Camaro that I've been eyeing at this autobody that pass by on my way to work. That car is just loverrrly. Its GM Dark Red Metallic/Burgundy still has its sheen! Whoever owns it, prolly just drives it around to show off, and obviously takes excellent care of it.

Unfortunately, I think whoever owns it has driven it off somewhere far away. *sigh* I'll miss it. It was such a beautiful car.

---------------
I painted my nails! I painted my nails! I'm sooo excited. I haven't painted my nails in more than a year. I painted them a nice orange. Yey.

I figured I wouldn't have time to paint my nails before the girls and I go out to see Mae on Tuesday. And I really don't care about what Emilee will say when she sees them tomorrow. I just want Tuesday night to be as perfect as possible.

Now all that's left is to decide where we're having dinner.

Labels: feelings, nonsense

kitten posted @ 10:39 PM |