When he looks at me, I feel like he's trying to look into my soul. A part of me wants to tell him to stop. A part of me knows that even if he tries, he would never see me, the me that hides behind the words and the music.

But he says Carpe diem. He laughs with me. He squeezes my hand. And he looks at me to really see me. And for all those reasons I am inevitably drawn to him.

If there is a god, that god is funny. For if there is one word in the English language that can drive me away it's pop, which happens to be the music he [Itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang Flash.] listens to. Plus soundtracks. Soundtracks, good. Pop, bad. Bad. BAD.

*sigh*

Carpe diem.

Labels: nonsense

kitten posted @ 11:32 PM |



Perhaps the most painful part about working in food service is having to deal with customer attitudes. Some of them say (and they can be so very cruel) that we are being paid to keep up with their moods. The only other people who have to put up with such crap are therapists, and those guys are paid by the hundred.

I think there is nothing worse that being treated like you are scum of the earth just because you are on the other side of the counter, just because you are the one wearing the visor and the apron. True, we must be financially desperate to cling to such menial work. And true, some of us are really to stupid to even attempt working anywhere else. But it is not difficult to treat us like people, because as much as customers would like to think we are selling our souls to them, all we are really selling are the products. Pride excluded.

If you plan to tip us just so you can treat us like shit, please keep your money. Our feelings are just as valid as yours and we would rather that you treat us accordingly than you spare us a few pennies.

---------------
Are you tired too? :(

Labels: feelings, pissed

kitten posted @ 10:27 PM |



Been busy.

Will update tomorrow. I promise.

Labels: shout-outs

kitten posted @ 11:05 PM |



OMG. New favorite song: Six Feet Under the Stars by All Time Low. OMG.

Watch the video here.

So, for my next project, I'll get Jayar to play that song for me. *wide grin*

I love having him back in my life. Sort of.

Labels: music

kitten posted @ 4:44 PM |



I took a test once that showed that I have a moral score of -1, 2 being the highest. I laughed at my score because, well, I do have pretty murky morals. It can actually be said that I have no morals, that I go through my life everyday with what I think is best, not what I think is right.

Which brings me to my next point. Despite the fact that I possess no morals, I am still a very ethical person. The next test I took showed me as an "unofficially ethical" person, which means that despite my lack of certainty about what is right, I still do what is good.

But maybe I don't need to tell you all of that, since you probably already know me from reading all that I've written. So let me just tell you that my great uncle who was in the ICU two days ago is now, in a way, dead. His body has given in and can't work on its own, and my family in SoCal is debating whether he should be taken off life support. It is a difficult question, especially because issues of money will and will always come up. But I think it is even more difficult because neither one of us should judge when a life should end.

When they asked me, I was surprised since I am probably the most morally loose among us. But I told them that he probably shouldn't be taken off life support. I am relieved they didn't ask why because I don't think I can come up with a good explanation.

Before I hung up, my other great uncle told me that we were facing a lot of "trials" right now and that only [the Christian] God can help us now. I was silent, because somehow they failed to see that [the Christian] God was watching them suffer and was doing nothing. My great uncle told me to pray, and I will, just not to the god who failed to come to my rescue when I needed him to.

Labels: religion, thoughts

kitten posted @ 1:53 PM |



Two things that are irking me right now:

1. He said something like "Walang halaga ang pera kung hindi mo nakakausap ang mahal mo," when we were talking about how talking to each other was costing as money.
2. He called me "by" [bee] when he thought he lost me because we had a poor connection.

Waaah. I'm being fickle again.

Labels: nonsense

kitten posted @ 7:54 PM |



I guess I blame this all on hope, the hope that I had about... whatever this is. I have, as always, allowed myself to get carried away. I so desperately believed that despite all the things that have changed, he and I remained the same. I wanted him to be the same man I knew, I wanted to be the same girl he knew, and I wanted to have that friendship so badly I had forgotten... *sigh*

This is why exs should stay exs. This is why you don't call, IM or even think about them...

I guess the reason I'm hurt more than I should be is the fact that I had hoped that he would understand everything without my having to explain. But when I talked to him today, he drove me into a corner and threw punches at me. And I felt something I haven't felt in a while - I felt like I had to defend myself. Oh, I took each and every blow he had for me. I was silent as he spoke. But when he was done, I fought back. I argued. I screamed.

Then he said "Mag-aaway ba talaga tayo?"

I couldn't speak because I was too busy trying to stop myself from crying.

"Umiiyak ka ba? Wag ka umiyak. Sorry."

No, you can't wreck things and just apologize to make it better. That's what I should have said anyway. But I said "Hindi. Hindi ako umiiyak. Tinalikuran ko na yang buhay na yan matagal na. Mauubos lang ang luha mo kakaiyak tapos wala paring mangyayari." Which is the truth, of course. But I never thought, at least not recently, that he would, and even could, make me cry.

I feel so worthless because I want to be a writer, because I choose to stay here in the United States, because I am me. I was so sure he would understand everything.

So much for certainty.

---------------
My great uncle's in the ICU. His wife is starting this simultaneous prayer thing. If I'm not mistaken, they're doing it at 2am EST.

This is probably going to sound cruel, and I'm sure this is not the right time to prove to my family that the Christian god is whack, but I'm thrilled to see what will happen next.

Oh, you guys can pray all you want, but believe me, you can't stop the inevitable. Trust me, I've tried. And that god of yours will just sit there and watch it happen.

Bitter much?

Labels: feelings, religion

kitten posted @ 11:57 PM |



For Gino C.

SEVEN THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
1. bugs
2. heights
3. the dark (I'm serious.)
4. big, angry-looking black men
5. not being good at the things I love doing
6. looking stupid
7. moments without my Zen / music

SEVEN THINGS YOU LIKE THE MOST
1. my computer :)
2. my Zen
3. my leather boots *whip lash, whip lash*
4. the beach
5. yoga
6. stars in the sky
7. rain

SEVEN IMPORTANT THINGS IN YOUR ROOM
1. box of letters from the Pinas
2. my wallet
3. my copy of Venus in Furs by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch
4. flat iron
5. nail polish bag :)
6. journal
7. cds

SEVEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOU
1. People still have a lot to learn about me.
2. I had a kundalini experience once. It was both terrifying and glorious.
3. I stay away from romantic classic literature. Don't know why.
4. I often buy two of whatever it is I'm getting. Again, don't know why.
5. I can't grow plants. I tried germinating some seeds for my bio class once, even those didn't grow.
6. I sneak a cigg every once in a while, especially when I'm stressed.
7. I project for peace on earth everyday.

SEVEN THINGS YOU PLAN TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. write a book / short story and get it published
2. become somebody's hero
3. see Italy and Tibet
4. find "the one"
5. buy a house by the beach, hopefully in the Philippines
6. ...
7. ...

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN DO
1. write
2. play the piano
3. do math :)
4. persuade people into or out of something, especially when it counts
5. confuse people
6. arrange nice get-togethers
7. bootleg / pirate stuff

SEVEN THINGS YOU CANT DO
1. roll my tongue
2. memorize facts
3. pray
4. draw to save my life
5. cheat (on a test)
6. work for more than 12 hours straight
7. keep my space clutter-free

SEVEN THINGS THAT ATTRACT YOU TO THE OPPOSITE SEX
1. beautiful hands :)
2. witty AND smart
3. interested in literature, music and philosophy
4. very assertive
5. politeness
6. excellent personal care to the point that he's almost gay
7. playfulness

SEVEN THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST
1. holy smokes
2. christ
3. yikes
4. shucks
5. Mmm
6. Thanks and have a great day.
7. You suck.

SEVEN CELEB CRUSHES
1. Angelina Jolie
2. the girl who played Luna Lovegood in the last HP movie
3. Hugh Laurie
4. Jacob Marshall
5. Ken Choi
6. Aaron Marsh
7.

SEVEN PEOPLE YOU WANT TO SEE TAKE THIS TEST
1. Julie R.
2. Tin L.
3. Pam Q.
4. Gaby I.
5. Doms Q.
6. THE
7. END

Labels: nonsense

kitten posted @ 4:39 PM |



Nag-usap kami nung New Year's Eve. Bedroom voice pa siya nung magkausap kami. Tinatanong ko siya kung gusto niya matulog ulit, sabi niya gising na daw siya.

Sabi niya sa'kin, malungkot daw yung bagong taon. Tinanong ko kung bakit at ang sagot niya sa'kin ay hindi niya daw alam. Tapos sabi niya malungkot din daw yung pasko. Tinanong ko bakit tapos ang sagot niya sa'kin "Kasi diba death anniversary ni Papa?"

I felt so stupid. I knew, of course, that his father died some eleven years ago on Christmas Day. It was the most painful story he ever told me, and he shared it with me the night he came to see my grandma when she died and I wouldn't stop crying. I just feel so guilty that I forgot. And the way he asked me, my god, he expected me to remember and I should have. I don't know why I didn't.

Sorry. :(

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 10:42 AM |