I'm grinning ear to ear and is that so wrong? Of course not. I too have the right to be happy, to be satisfied, to be unbelievably swept away.

So what's the deal?

Well, I haven't mentioned how I've taken action on this whole Phil-Candy-Kitten matter. (It's not easy talking about it seeing as it wasn't easy doing it either.) I've decided *sigh* to leave the two of them alone so that they may have their happy ending. It's like... their world, it's perfect, and who am I to come barging in and ruining it for the both of them, right? Right.

So I have taken it upon myself to delete, DELETE his number from my phone. (Of course, I've got that number memorized, but still.) I have also decided to uninstall AIM on my computer and delete my AIM account on my phone. Everything amounts to one ultimate thing: I've burned the bridges that connect us. And it was hard. It's only been a couple of days, actually. But it's a start.

Or perhaps I should say it was a start.

I was soaking my feet a while ago (If you haven't done this, try it. It's very good for the body and the mind, I tell you.) when my phone vibrated. I received a text message. I thought it would be Mai or Jen asking me where I was. So I opened it and there it was...

No like talking to me no more? =(
From: +1201779****
12:59pm 29-AUG-07

It took me about two seconds to realize who the message was from, ten seconds to start panicking and fifteen seconds to start jumping for joy.

I was on the phone with my friend a while ago and all I could say was He missed me. And I believe, no, I know it's true. He has missed me. *beams* I thought I would fade into the background and that will be the end of it, but no. It's not. I'm glad that it's not.

Of course, I shouldn't really be celebrating, seeing as it will probably take, what, one day, for the harsh reality to slap me in the face and bring me back down from the clouds. That is, after all, the primary reason I want all of this to be over. It's just hard being let down. No, it's hard not being able to ask for what you want and end up being let down.

My friend said, It will feel terrible after[getting hurt].

And I could only say, But it feels great now.

P.S. If it interests you, I messaged him back. I asked him where he was. My exact words, I believe, were: Where are you? and he replied with I'm on my way to work. I then replied with Boo. and that's the end of it.

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 7:42 PM |



If you said yes, start laughing.

Don't ask me why. I don't know why. I just know that I want one. Forget the fact that I'll prolly be beat in school because of this; forget the fact that it is neither a chick magnet nor a boy magnet. I want one. I am getting one as we speak. *grins* The idea of having one is making me incredibly happy. Teehee. [This might just be the sugar running through my veins. I had cake todaaaaay.]

So, I've no news, except for the tamagotchi thing. Oh, and I want to get a tattoo.

*shrugs*

Labels: nonsense

kitten posted @ 10:33 PM |



I was serving this customer at the register who had a little girl with her. The little girl was all smiles when she came up to the counter, I remember. She even waved back when I waved at her.

While I was waiting for the credit card transaction to be cleared, I looked at the little girl. She hooked her chubby little arms to her mom's. Her mom said What, anak?

The little girl says, Mommy, I love you.

I couldn't stop myself from saying, Aaaw. How sweet! I also couldn't stop myself from asking, Are you real? Well, you don't see that kind of thing everyday. You really don't. And as for the question, it was an honest one. Hey, with technology today, some of those who walk among us could be robots. You just never know.

[Sidebar: I don't think I've ever told my mom I love her. Never, girls and boys. Never have I told my mom I love her.]

---------------
I'm shaking. Ha. I should be ashamed of myself. *logs off AIM*

I can't breathe. I want to bang my head on the keyboard enough times for me to snap out from this spell he cast on me.

No more. If I will be jealous, if I have to be jealous, if I can't help but be jealous, then it has to stop now. I can't deal with this. Bastante es bastante.

I always lose the people I want to hold on to...

Alam mo yun. It was just a picture. One moment I was looking at it, the next moment my jaws were clenched, my breathing was quick and I could almost swear that my heart was aching.

*cries*

---------------
I am officially promoting the book Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli. It's fantabulous, my babies.

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 9:07 PM |



Yes. Well, nothing is perfect, try as I may to make everything so. Perhaps I am better off not trying, yes? I really don't know.

This day has been... bold. Yes, I think that word quite describes it: bold.

Ask me why I asked Candy to have coffee with me at Hoboken, ask me why I had offered to pick her up, ask me what I was thinking. I believe my answer to all those questions would be I don't know. And that would be that.

We were chatting online last night. It was pretty much harmless. I had tried not to touch matters I could not deal with, and she did not press. I asked her when she was headed back to Glasboro and learned that she was headed out Saturday - tomorrow.

Panic-stricken (and a little elated, I must admit), I did what any ex would do: I asked her to hang out. She told me that in the morning she had business to take care of at the Bronx, but that she would be back in the city in time for lunch. I said one-ish was perfect and offered to pick her up, which she did not decline.

I was up by nine in the morning. Excited, I guess. And I saw that she was still online, apparently she has been unable to sleep. I asked her whether she was up to seeing me and she said yes. Well, I'm not about to turn her down, am I?

By eleven-thirty, I was in the shower. By twelve-fifteen, I was headed out. By one (Sharp!), I was at Marin Boulevard and Montgomery Avenue. Leave it to me to take one-ish as one sharp.

I received a message telling me to wait up at the mall instead. I was confused but started towards the mall.

Loads of time to kill and no one to kill it with, I decided to head for Cosi... Phil.

Now that I think about it, while I made my way through the hundreds of hungry people trying to order lunch, I had second guessed myself - I didn't want to see Phil. But then if I had not wanted to see him, what was I doing there? I came up the counter, talked to the asian girl working the register and said Is Philip working?

Yee-noo-yeeaaahh-sss, she said while looking around. He's prolly just at the back getting something.

I looked around. Too many people. And Candy could be waiting for me somewhere. I used the bathroom and left a little too hurriedly. I took my phone out, ignoring a message I got from Candy, and typed Popped in. Couldn't stay. Sorry I missed you. Send. Sent.

I opened her message next. Apparently she was waiting for me at FYE. I typed I'm at the bookstore, sent the message. Two seconds later I realized that the bookstore was right by FYE and that all that stood between them was a flight of stairs. *face palm*

In less than a minute I got I'm at the bookstore from her. I couldn't think of anything else to reply so I typed I'm at FYE. Lol

I believe I was sprinting to FYE. No, I don't just believe I was sprinting. I was sprinting. She replied Stay there.

I stood outside FYE, straightening out my clothes, trying to make it look like I had not been running five miles an hour just thirty seconds ago. I flipped through the book I held in my hand for props...

Until her eyes pored into my soul.

I was uncertain whether I was to hug her or kiss her or just leave her alone. I let her decide: she kissed my cheek. Let's pass by Cosi, okay? I want a Chai latte.

Life is cruel. Life is too cruel. I couldn't tell her that I didn't want to go to Cosi, so we went, saw Phil, got her stupid Chai latte and headed for Hoboken.

Hoboken was uneventful. By four, she was ready to go home, so I took her Downtown and headed home. Or at least I tried.

Jen messaged me, asking me where I was. I called her, asked her where she was. She told me she was at Newport (the mall) with Ryan. I told her to stay there, that I would be there in fifteen and hung up.

I met up with her at FYE (Why do people love meeting up there?) and headed out.

But, as Fate would want it, we ran into the couple I wanted to see the least: Candy and Phil. Before I could say anything, (Which, to be quite honest, had taken about five minutes anyway because I was completely dumbfounded at the cruelty of it all.) he blurted out What are you talking about missing me? You two came to see me. I was there, she was there, you were there. He looked confused. So did Candy.

I looked up at the both of them, then I looked at Jen. All three of them were waiting for an answer and I didn't have one. It's nothing... I began. It's just that I was there earlier, I continued while trying to evade their stare. When I finally had the courage to look up, I saw Phil's enlightenment and Candy's... fear.

Fear. It is not the unknown that we fear. We fear what we know too well...

I stood frozen to the spot, waiting for their next move. Whatever happened next, I wanted it to have been their move, not mine.

Where are you headed? Phil asked.

Hoboken, I said.

Again? It was Candy this time.

Yeah, I said then shrugged.

I waited for them to leave. I waited for them to go away but they weren't moving. I guess they were waiting for us to leave too.

Well, lead the way, Phil said.

What? I was... angered.

Aren't you headed to Hoboken? he asked.

I hesitated for a second, then took Jen's arm and started towards the escalator. They tailed behind us. Jen kept giving me make-them-go-away looks. I just wanted all of it to be over...

I had a plan. Jen and I would walk slowly, subtly slip behind them, and lose them in the after-work rush. It didn't work. They kept looking back at us. And when we trailed too far behind, they sat down and waited for us. It was ridiculous.

He left Candy, walked towards me and Jen and said Sss-lll-ooooooooow.

Jen wants to know if you're coming with us to Hoboken, I said. If they couldn't take a hint, then there was no other way. Jen gave me a what-the-fuck-do-you-think-you-are-doing look. I winked at her.

Phil walked towards Candy, talked to her for thirty seconds and waved goodbye. YEAH!

When we were out of hearing range, Jen said What the hell was all of that about?

Napurnada, was all I could say.

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 9:44 PM |



Fil. (v) didn't go as planned.

Ayun. If I were to pick a word to describe this day, that word would be napurnada.

I was supposed to bring him his last paycheck. I was supposed to surprise him (He asked me to take it to him, I said no but I was going to take it to him anyway.) I wanted to get him new sneaks (His old ones gave up on him already.), stop by Cosi to give him the sneaks and the check, and he was supposed to find it unbelievably sweet. He was supposed to tell me it was the sweetest, craziest, most romantic thing anybody's ever done for him...

But no. He picked up his own check.

When I saw him, I was frozen to the spot. For two seconds there was a million customers between us and then it was just him and me, everything else just faded.

Why are you here? I sounded angry. I was angry.

Why else? To see you, of course. He, on the other hand, was happy.

Leave. I said it with the same tone I used to ask him why he was there. I... I just couldn't believe he was there.

Why? he asked.

Because... Just leave! If I wasn't screaming before, I was screaming then.

What happened today? he asked me.

Nothing. Just leave. I was breathing hard. My hands were shaking.

What? Talk to me. What happened?

I kept quiet. I had nothing to say.

Is Miss Kitten too good to talk to Phil now? he then asked.

No, of course not, I said then sighed. I was supposed to come to Cosi. I was going to take your check.

He looked at me and asked, Were you?

Yeah, I was. I didn't tell you because it was supposed to be a surprise. I started writing his name on the check release form, but my hands were shaking.

You could still go, he said, taking the pen from my hand, our fingers intertwining for a second.

No, I can't, I said.

Yes, you can he argued.

No, I can't! He was starting to tick me off again.

Why not?! I guess he was getting ticked off too.

Because... Because... Just leave! I was on the brink of tears. I walked out of the room. It was too much...

And then she was there.

*forces a laugh* I should have known, of course, that she would be there too. I don't know why I didn't expect it, why it caught me off guard, but what does it matter anyway?

I was ready to start bawling. I walked to the farthest end of the counter.

She kicked me out... She kicked me out... Phil was saying this over and over again. Candy was just like What? Why? And Phil just kept saying She kicked me out...

I was avoiding their eyes. I had not the strength to endure any more... Then they started walking away.

Bye, Kit. That was Candy. I acknowledged her with a nod.

I looked at Phil for a second, only for a second, but he caught my gaze. The way he was looking at me, I can't explain it, but it kinda said Why are you doing this to me? I held his gaze, tried to tell him I was sorry...

Poor, little puppy. :(

Labels: love, nonsense

kitten posted @ 11:13 PM |



I'm so full of it. Haha. Hiatus naman pala kasi. As it turns out, I can't keep from blogging. Well, I should have known better anyway.

So, what's so interesting that I'm suddenly blogging again? Oh nothing really. Just my backstabbing monster of a faggot friend who calls himself njprince_05 telling me, ME, that his [Dunkin' Donuts] life is none of my business. Well, excuse me for thinking I was your friend; excuse me for thinking my opinion mattered. I'll make a mental note of the fact that I am not your friend, make sure I remember that the next time I feel the slightest hint of concern for you, you bastard.

Ang tanong ko lang: Kelan ko siya winalanghiya? Ni minsan, di ko siya tinarantado, tapos ganito... Masakit, masakit. Yun lang ang masasabi ko. Di ko alam kung bakit niya ito ginagawa. Hindi ko alam...

Kanina, kung hindi lang ako naawa sa crew ko kanina, pupunta ako Downtown, makikipagsampalan sa kaniya. Ihahampas ko sa kaniya ng paulit-ulit ang suot kong rubber shoes, shet, hanggang sa matauhan siya. Haynaku.

Besides that, my friend's family broke up today. I don't know how to make it easier... I really don't. My family... we're different from other families out there. That sort of thing, it won't happen to us. Normal rules don't apply to my family. It's like... we're annoyingly perfect. So shit like this leaves me completely at a loss.

And last, but not the least, (I actually think this was the highlight of my day), I have a customer who wants a 5-paragraph paper, not even, book report done by September 24. Yeah. What?! I've taken on term papers and theses... I've never had to do a 5-paragraph thing before. It's insulting my capacity. So I'm thinking about turning it down.

There you have it. My life. And my hiatus that didn't happen.

Oh. And Phil and I are talking again. Ha. I made sure to leave that one last. Ha!

<333

Labels: love, nonsense

kitten posted @ 11:46 PM |



I think I'll go on hiatus for a while. I think it will do me some good.

Last day at work on August 31. First day of school on September 4. Maybe I'll go back to blogging then, I don't know.

*hugs everybody*

Oh, and in case you were wondering why, it's because... I'm too depressed to write anything. Ayun.

Labels: nonsense

kitten posted @ 8:04 PM |



[lyrics from Mae's The Sun and the Moon]

Yesterday was pretty much uneventful. I know, I know, it was my birthday. But besides me seeing Candy (to give her the birthday presents that I got her plus the cake that she asked for) and he and I talking again (although, if you ask me, I still say it was just for show. Oh, and yes, he came!!! *wide grin*), that was basically it.

So yes. He came. And he came early too. Aaand when I saw him come in, I could swear to you, that shivers ran through my body and I felt cold. It's almost sad... But yes, when I saw him, I started crying. I couldn't believe he was there.

Did you really get mad last night? I asked him.

No. [laughs] No, of course not, he said.

Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't get mad? Because you got me worried, I said next.

Ith okee. [wraps his arms around me]

So I guess if we were going to start talking again, both of us would have to pretend that the previous night didn't happen.

It was rainy yesterday, as my birthdays are always rainy since I was born on a rainy day. He pointed out how hard the rain was falling outside.

It's raining, he said.

I know. I love the rain, I replied.

Me too.

And I can't tell you why we did it, or why nobody stopped us, but we stepped into the rain. It was glorious... It really was. *closes eyes in reverie*

When we were at the office, I asked him if he was happy that he was leaving, and what he said was that he was relieved. He told me that he would visit, every other day or every week. I told him that I wasn't going to be around for very long anyway and then we were quiet.

I passed him my copy of American Gods. I said that I wasn't giving it to him, that he was only borrowing it, and that he can give it back whenever he wants. The truth is, I just wanted an excuse to see him again, and I told him that as if we didn't already know that.

We didn't hug or kiss. I'm not sure why neither of us felt compelled to.

I didn't go online last night. He would be waiting for me. I didn't want to talk to him. It doesn't have to be as difficult as it is. If what it calls for is for me to disappear, then disappear I will...

He messaged me today:

"You know, I'll miss you. That's a down to leaving."

*sigh*

I don't know what it was that we were doing. I just know that somebody suddenly said It's Phil's last day. and he said It has it's ups and downs.

I distinctly remember glaring at him for saying that.

You liar. It doesn't have ups and downs. All it has are ups, I snapped. I was so mad!

But it does have downs. It does!

Really? Fine. If your leaving has downs, name me one. If you can name me one... I was screaming. I swear. He just ticks me off sometimes.

He spent about two minutes thinking and said Food.

I laughed mockingly and said What? Food? You've got to be kidding.

What? I'm serious. Food. That's one of the downs to leaving this job, he said.

Okay. Name me another one. I said, blocking his way. He was trying to walk away from me.

No, you said one, and I said food. That's it, he said smiling. He was being slick again.

You give me another one right now, mister. I realized then how much he towered over me, that he, if he wanted to enough, could just shove me.

He was laughing, sort of triumphantly, and said You said one. I gave you one.

I gave up then...

He wouldn't tell me that not being able to see me was a disadvantage. He knew that it was what I wanted to hear. And I knew that he would miss me even if he didn't tell me. But I wanted to hear it just the same. I wanted him to tell me that if he had a reason to stay, that reason would be me...

And then he messages me, tells me that missing me is a down to his leaving. *sobs*

I haven't replied. I keep staring at the message, thinking of what I could reply. Nothing's coming to me... I could get mad at him for only telling me that now, but then why would I want to get into another fight with him? I could tell him that I would miss him too, but he already knows that. I could ask him what he wants to hear, but then he'd just say Nothing. I guess I'll just wait until he talks to me about it. Maybe if the moment comes again, I would have my usual smart-mouth reply.

Now I wish he was around so I could hug him. *headdesk*

Did I ever tell you how soft he is? It's so funny. He's like a plush toy. Haha. He's like a towel that just came out of the dryer: soft and warm.

I think I'll go cry now.

You come over unannounced
Silence broken by your voice in the dark
"I need you here tonight
Just like the ocean needs the waves."
So fall around me now
Just like stars that shine and brighten the way.
I need you here tonight just like this night,
It needs the rain.
Over unannounced,
Silence broken by your voice in the dark
"I need you here tonight,
Just like the ocean needs the waves...
Just like the stars that fall around me now."
~the outro of Mae's The Ocean

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 9:10 PM |



Nakakapanghina. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko haharapin ang bukas.

Ang baduy, shet. Pero kasi... Hindi ko talaga alam. Parang kung pwede ko lang takbuhan ang Friday, kung pwede lang na hinding-hindi na siya umalis... Pero hanggang dun lang naman yun, diba? Sa mga "kung pwede lang..."

Kanina nung break niya, pinuntahan namin yung 1959 Cadillac El Dorado na gusto ko.

Today's Thursday. Tomorrow's Friday. Tomorrow's my last day, sabi niya sa'kin.

I know, sagot ko naman, habang pilit na inilalayo sa kaniya ang aking mga tingin. Natatakot ako na makikita niya sa mga mata yung sakit na nararanasan ko.

Why did you switch schedules with Dax?

What? Nagulat ako sa tanong. Akala ko paguusapan lang namin yung kotse pero hindi...

You and Dax. Why did you switch schedules with Dax? tanong niya ulit.

Why is it that I have to change schedules with Dax? Can't Dax have switched schedules with me? sagot ko naman. Kunwari galit ako. Pero ang totoo nahihiya ako. Akala ko di niya mapapansin na nakipagpalit ako, pero napansin niya.

Is that the case? tanong naman niya.

Does it matter?

[Sidebar: This is how we have our conversations. Half the time when we're talking, people want to get into the conversation but can't. I guess we both understand that questions tend to tell more than answers.]

Natahimik siya. Natahimik din ako.

*fast forward to one and a half hour later, at the office*

What's that? sabay turo sa braso ko.

What do you think it is? sagot ko.

You slit your wrist? Why? Sa boses niya, parang may galit at awa akong narinig.

Tinititigan ko lang siya. Hindi ko alam kung anung dapat kong isagot, kung anung pwede kong isagot...

Ask me again later. I'll tell you. sabi ko na lang.

*fast forward to half an hour later*

I have a hard time telling people how I feel. sabi ko sa kaniya.

What?

I have a hard time telling people how I feel. That's why I slit my wrists. sabi ko.

Nakatingin siya sa'kin na parang di niya maintindihan yung sinasabi ko.

I can't tell people when I'm mad or sad or whatever. I can't say it. So I slit my wrists.

But telling people how you feel is easy. I do it all the time. sagot niya.

Oo, alam ko yun. Hindi siya nagtatago ng damdamin. Pag galit siya, galit siya. Pag masaya siya, masaya siya. Kung ano yung nakikita mo, kung anu yung naririnig mo, yun talaga yun, wala nang iba.

*fast forward to one hour later; Phil's about to go home but plays around in the counter*

Can I get two big macs, a large coke and fries please. sabi niya.

Alam ko yung larong yun. Lagi siya nakikipaglaro sa'kin nun.

Did you say you want two big macs, a large coke and fries? sabi ko naman. Napapangiti ako. Ang sarap makipaglaro.

Yes.

Is that for here or to go?

I think I'll be flying, miss. Natawa ako. Di ko napigilan. Ang cute kasi niya.

Alright, to go it is, then. That will be $10.39 please.

Alright, I'm going [home].

What? No. Don't go.

Why?

Eh sabay entra yung customer. So paikot ikot lang siya dun sa may counter. Nung umalis na yun customer, lapit siya ulit sa'kin.

Why?

Don't go.

Tumalikod na siya. Nag-umpisang lumakad. Lumabas siya ng pinto...

*fast forward to nine hours later; we're both home, just waiting for sleep to come*

You left. I told you not to leave but you still left. sabi ko.

Well, why?

Because. That should be enough. I wanted you to stay because. I WANTED YOU TO STAY BECAUSE.

Because?

Because. If he would only ask the right questions, perhaps he could have the right answers...

Tahimik na kami. Hinihintay niya akong magsalita.

I hate you. I hate your stinkin guts. You make me vomit...

Lolokohin ko sana siya. Kasi diba linya yun sa Little Rascals? Pero di niya ako pinatapos.

*buntong hininga* Whatever. I'm just not coming to work tomorrow." Click. Binabaan niya ako ng telepono. Tapos na ang pag-uusap namin.

Huling araw na nga niya bukas, di pa siya papasok.

Hindi ko alam. *iyak*

Tinext ko na. Tinawagan ko na. Wala. Hindi ko na alam *iyak*

Nakalimutan na siguro niya na I have a hard time telling people how I feel. Di niya naisip, ang gusto kong sabihin ay...

*iyak*

Ayoko na. Ayoko na. *iyak* Ayoko naaa.

---------------
I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you why I wanted you to stay. I wish I could have told you that what I wanted was not for you to stay only for the moment, but to stay forever...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

*sobs*

---------------
"The words we have a hard time saying are the ones we mean the most..."

---------------
The first person to greet me on my birthday:

Candy.

I think the word I'm looking for is paradox. *sigh*

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 9:26 PM |



We were walking back to the store. We just came from Dunkin' Donuts, where he grabbed a cup of coffee for me and a water for himself. He takes out his cellphone from his pocket.

Are you late? I asked.

He shook his head.

Okay. I said, slowing my paces down.

Well, don't slow down. We don't have all the time in the world, you know. he said with mock attitude.

I don't know about you, but I have all the time in the world. I said smugly.

Well, then, fuck you.

Fuck me now. I said.

He turned a bright red and said Sssh. I like my privacy.

Well, excuse me, but if you don't want me fucking with you in public, you better not fuck with me. Coz I swear to God, if you fuck with me, I sure am fucking with you. I said and meant it.

He smiled at me and said That came out in the most wrong and yet the most erotic way possible.

It was my turn to turn bright red. I stopped dead of my tracks.

In my head, I was having a battle on whether I should tell him to stay. No, I was having a battle on whether I should tell him that I wanted him to stay, that I needed him, that...

Where is your home? he asked.

What?

Where is your home? Isn't it that way? he said while pointing towards The Heights.

Yes, it is. That's where my home is. I said.

Then walk in that direction.

Why? I asked, a little confused.

Because your home is that way.

Don't you want company? I asked him. After all, it was his idea that I stick around for his break.

Walk that way. Your home is that way. he said again.

Fine. I know when I'm not wanted I said and stood at the pedestrian lane.

He kept walking in the direction of the store, and I kept standing by the pedestrian lane. He opened the door to the building, held it open for me, waited for me to go in, but I didn't. He went inside, still looking at me, but I didn't look back. He stood by the glass, watching me, as I was watching him...

I was waiting for the stop light to read Walk but it was taking forever. I could see him looking at me, waiting for me to look back, but I didn't...

...Because I wanted him to stop me. I wanted him to call out to me, to tell me to stay, to tell me to never leave...

The light said Walk and walked I did, trying not to walk too fast just in case he would stop me.

He didn't. He just kept watching. And I just kept walking...

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 8:40 PM |



*sobs*

I don't think I will enjoy Mae's concert tomorrow. Tuesday, three days til Friday.

*sobs*

Don't go away...
Say that you'll stay forever and a day... :(

Alam mo yun. Kelangan kasi birthday ko pa yung last day niya eh. He could have picked any day. Sheeet. Hindi eh. Sinakto talaga sa birthday ko, tanginang yan.

Naiiyak nga ako kanina while we were talking. Alam mo yun. Feeling ko, lahat last na. Tipong kung hindi lang ako papagalitan ni Myra tsaka ni Jen, inakap-akap ko na siya.

Sinipa-sipa ko nga siya kanina eh. Alam mo yun. Naiinis kasi ako eh. Kasi kahit masakit, kahit mahirap, wala akong magawa... Wala akong magawa. :(

ANYWAY, ayoko na yun isipin. Nadedepress lang ako, hello.

Tomorrow: Mae @ Blender Theater at Gramercy :) + Singularity's (Mae's newest album) release

Labels: feelings, nonsense

kitten posted @ 10:15 PM |



She's our great neutralizer. It's almost funny that only a couple of weeks ago, I was still madly in love with her. Now, although I still can't say that my heart is completely devoid of any and all feelings for her, she's just that - a neutralizer.

We were done for the night. I was standing at the bottom stairs waiting for Jen. I could see him standing there, waiting for me. Then I saw her, at the vestibule, waiting for him, as he was waiting for me, as I was waiting for Jen. She started banging on the glass. She wanted to get in. I forced myself to look away. If I saw him hold her, I saw her kiss him, I would die. It's one thing to know that circumstances are hard, but it's another to actually see it.

She was still banging on the glass. I was pretty sure the tenants could hear the racket from upstairs. I looked in their direction, he was still there, waiting for me. I looked away. I heard the door open. He let her in.

There were no hugs and no kisses. I was getting tired of waiting for Jen, so I hollered Jen, you're taking forever. but what I really meant to say was Come here. I don't think I could go through this alone...

Kitten... she called from where she was. I knodded in acknowledgement, but went back to looking up the stairwell. I hollered again Jen! Quickly please.

Then I was surprised by a pair of arms that went around me. (I find that, when I isolate that moment, I close my eyes in reverie.) It was her... And she was holding me.

You scared me. Oh my god, you scared me. I said while laughing. She was laughing with me. I turned around into the embrace and held her, held her really, really tight.

Oh, now you hug me. I waved to you and you were all like Psh. Whatever. Now look at you. I couldn't stop myself from smiling... I stayed in her arms. I have missed her.

I have missed you. she said in her sweetest voice.

No, you didn't. I said with resentment.

Yes, I did. she insisted.

No, you didn't. Don't lie. I said.

But before she could answer, we both became aware that he was watching us. I let her go and went back to looking up the stairwell. Soon, Jen came down the stairs and we headed to the vestibule.

We stood there, silent and hesitant, until Phil walked away. She wrapped her arms around me again, and I kissed her cheek.

I'll talk to you later okay? she said.

Okay. Bye, sweetheart. I said.

Then they were gone...

---------------
If there's one thing he and I have in common, it's that we dedicate a great part of our lives for that woman and neither of us knows why.

---------------
I wish Friday would never come. Goodbyes are never easy. And the anticipation is killing us.

Huhu.

He laughed at that. He didn't know what huhu was and when I told him, he laughed at me. He said that I was cute. I said that he thought I was stupid and just didn't want to say it. He said that he didn't say I was stupid, he said I was cute.

*sigh*

Don't go away, say what you say
Say that you'll stay
Forever and a day, in the time of my life
Coz I need more time, yes I need more time
Just to make things right...
~from Don't Go Away by Oasis

*sigh* I think I shall cry!

Labels: feelings, love

kitten posted @ 11:13 PM |



"I don't understand a God who will let us meet when there is no way we can ever be together."
~Maggie (Meg Ryan), from the movie City of Angels

...
Exactly. Exaaactly.

Had. Circumstances. Been. Different. Had circumstances been different...

May the music of Oasis heal my soul.

----------------
There's this '68 Camaro that I've been eyeing at this autobody that pass by on my way to work. That car is just loverrrly. Its GM Dark Red Metallic/Burgundy still has its sheen! Whoever owns it, prolly just drives it around to show off, and obviously takes excellent care of it.

Unfortunately, I think whoever owns it has driven it off somewhere far away. *sigh* I'll miss it. It was such a beautiful car.

---------------
I painted my nails! I painted my nails! I'm sooo excited. I haven't painted my nails in more than a year. I painted them a nice orange. Yey.

I figured I wouldn't have time to paint my nails before the girls and I go out to see Mae on Tuesday. And I really don't care about what Emilee will say when she sees them tomorrow. I just want Tuesday night to be as perfect as possible.

Now all that's left is to decide where we're having dinner.

Labels: feelings, nonsense

kitten posted @ 10:39 PM |



I'll become what you became to me...
~from the Goo Goo Dolls' Black Balloon

I dare you to move like today never happened...
~from Switchfoot's I Dare You to Move

Just take me away...
~from Lifehouse's Take Me Away

I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to let go of the things that I love way too much.
~from The Scene Aesthetic's Dear Time Traveler

If you'll be here, here with me tonight, I'll be fine...
~from Mae's Awakening

...

Today, I must borrow words because I have none of my own.

Ayoko na umiyak. Tama naaaaa.

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 10:39 PM |



...

I don't know if I'm pursing my lips because I'm angry or because I'm trying to stop myself from crying... I honestly don't want to find out.

Hello, bad days. I'm glad to see you still like my company.

*sigh*

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 10:59 PM |



When I close my eyes to this paradox place
I'll fly away
Far away from here,
I’ll get away and dream, dream of you.

When its all said and done,
And the night has come,
I'll disappear, take flight on the wind of wishing you where here,
Fading light like a star whose life has been gone for years.

And I'll fly, fly across the sky,
And I’ll leave, leave it all behind,
If you’d be here, here with me tonight,
I’ll be fine
I’ll be fine
I’ll be fine...

I’ll disappear, take flight on the wind of wishing you were here,
Fading light like a star whose life has been gone for years.

And I'll fly, fly across the sky,
And I’ll leave, leave it all behind,
If you’d be here, here with me tonight,
I’ll be fine
I’ll be fine
I’ll be fine…

from Mae's album Destination: B-Sides

---------------
So... it's still a good two weeks before my birthday but things aren't exactly looking so bright for me. In fact, things are looking so grim that I actually spent my break crying in the stairwell. It's all quite sad, actually... And bad habits are rearing their ugly heads just because they know I'm not strong enough to resist.

People ask me whether I enjoy the pain, whether I want to die and whether I am losing my mind. I say: Who can enjoy pain? Who would want to die? And perhaps I am losing my mind...

I am tired. Really tired.

We're all tired. Really tired.

---------------
Apparently, my birthday isn't important enough for people to take the day off. *sobs*

Ayoko na. *sobs*

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 9:09 PM |



I thought that since he is off to Wildwood for the next four days, I'd be free of all his IMs, texts and calls. I thought wrong. Not that I'm complaining. I quite enjoy our conversations, actually. But... Well... What he did seemed rather unfair.

I was poring over Harry Potter 7 (I am already half way through. And, mind you, I only started last night.) when my phone started vibrating...

I can't tell you what we talked about. Just trust me that he's unfair.

He's right. There is a thin line between hating and loving someone. :(

Labels: feelings, love, stories

kitten posted @ 10:11 AM |



I'm tired of you, the both of you. I've endured every single thing you did for twenty years and I've stopped complaining because you never listen anyway. I've also stopped asking you for what I want, I've learned to get what I want by myself, because you seem to pay little to no interest in what I want.

Perhaps you will say "We have only wanted what is best for you." And I understand. But it doesn't change the fact that I have felt, more so over the last two years, that you have taken over my life. Last night, you asked me whether I was happy. Well, happy can mean a lot of things. But if you mean happy with you, the answer is no.

One day I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. I'm sorry. I just can't see you in my life. You two have always been my greatest hurdle.

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 10:30 AM |



Two years after the sixth installment of Harry Potter and two weeks after the seventh installment of the same, I finally have my own copies. :) Ah, Harry Potter!

But unlike the rest of the world who might have already finished the seventh book or are on well on their way in doing so, I choose to reread the sixth book. I figured I waited two weeks to get my own copy and a couple more days shouldn't hurt. Besides, I only read the sixth book once (seeing as I had no copy of my own) and it would do the conclusion justice if I remember all previous events well.

So, yes. I am taking my time, savoring every word of it like it's the last because some of them actually are. Like all good things, Harry Potter's story must come to an end.

---------------
*sigh*

If somebody said that there was a fine line between hating and loving you, what do they mean?

><

---------------
One day, I'm going to fucking leave this house and I swear to God I'm never EVER coming home. I hope all of the people who live in this house would just go to fucking hell.

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 4:08 PM |