Monday, November 28, 2005
Is love a decision?
Love, I've heard, is a decision.
Is it really?
Everything is a result of a decision.
Really?
Yes. Everything involves choices.
It just so happens that sometimes those choices are not yours to make.
So don't tell me It's my decision. It is not, and you know it.
And so I am stuck here, days after I've made the choice to let go of you and of everything I have ever felt for you. It is time, I thought, that this love is given to someone more deserving of it - ME.
But that's just it. I. Am. Stuck.
I guess it's just one of those things that you can't just choose the same way you pick your clothes.
And for what it's worth, the only part of me that's still battling to hold on to you is my heart... And it's the strongest and most powerful part of me...
Jancel. Siya ang tutee ko sa LTS.
He has a very, very short attention span. He's very shy. He doesn't know the letters of the alphabet, with the exception of ABC... But he looks at me when I speak to him. He tries his best to do what I ask. And when I saw him last, the moment he saw me, he put on the sweetest smile I have ever seen from a child.
He reminds me of my tutee, Alex, back when we had Social Action classes (Is that what they were?). Alex used to run to me shouting "Andito na si Ate Kitten! Andito na si Ate Kitten!"
Absolutely heartwarming.
LTS is so for me.
I officially hate Philo 1...
I woke up early to do my homework in that dumb class. I got asked to step-out (A first in the history of my entire life.) of the class because I didn't have the workbook. I had to stay behind an hour and a half later because we were required to attend a stupid symposium.
I've never hated a subject in my entire life - until now.
Did you know that I'm homophobic? LOL. It's ironic, I know, but I am.
I'm generally okay with lesbians, seeing as I have tendencies to be one myself. But dykes scare the hell out of me... Don't ask me why... They just do.
I am never coming home late again, I swear.
I'm gonna live my life like every day's the last
Without a simple goodbye, it all goes by so fast
And now that you're gone, I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough for you to hear me now
Gonna open my eyes and see for the first time
I've let go of you like a child letting go of his kite
There it goes up in the sky
There it goes beyond the clouds
For no reason why, I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough for you to hear me now
I look back in vain and see you standing there
When all that remains is just an empty chair
And now that you're gone, I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough for you to hear me now
There it goes up in the sky
There it goes beyond the clouds
For no reason why, I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough for you to hear me now...
This song's for you... I miss you so much... It's just so dark without the sun...
kitten posted @ 7:47 AM |
Monday, November 21, 2005
BRING IT ON.
Unang araw ko sa paaralan ngayon. Matapos ang mahaba-habang pamamahinga sa bahay (Yun nga kaya ang tawag sa ginawa ko?) ay nakabalik na rin ako sa aking paraiso... Pero bakit kaya ganoon? Si God, pinapatawa nanaman ako... Para bang sinasabi sa'kin na Ginusto mo yan, pwes, pangatawanan mo. at hindi ko alam kung anung dapat kong maging reaksyon...
Ang saya ko pa pagpasok ko. Sabik na sabik na akong makita ang mga kaibigan ko...
O, anung ginagawa mo dito? Pahug nga... Ay ayaw magpa-hug...
Asan si Domeng?
Ah, ganoon? Si Domeng naman pala ang pinasok mo...
Nagselos ka ba? Nagtampo? Dahil hindi ko na binibigay sa'yo ang atensyong dati'y nakalaan sa iyo? Di ko alam... Baka naman, at mas malamang-lamang lang, ay binibiro mo lang ako. Ganun naman ang magkakaibigan kapag nagkikita diba? Nagbibiruan... Ah basta. Sa maikling saglit ng pagyapos mo sa'kin, naramdaman ko na nangulila ka rin sa'kin tulad ng pangungulila ko sa'yo...
Pero tulad nga ng sinabi ko, si God pinapatawa nanaman ako using His oh-so-insanely-funny humor.
Lam m... Syo k lng sa2bhn 2..naiinis ako kse ngenrol c kitten..Lm m yn la ako msbhn d2..
Bakit ganun ano? Siya na nga lang ang pagsasabihan mo, namali ka pa ng pagpapadala... At! AT!!! Sa akin mo pa naipadala!!!
Siguro, nalimutan mo lang na ako si Kitten. Si Kitten... yung ngayon lang nagenroll? Yung nakakainis kasi humabol pa sa pagenroll? Yung nagmamahal lang naman sa'yo ng sobra?
Pero ano bang karapatan kong magalit sa'yo? Di ko naman alam kung anu yung grounds bakit mo sinabi yun... Di ko naman alam kung niloloko mo lang yung katext mo... Di ko naman alam kung anung depenisyon mo ng naiinis... Di ko naman alam kung wrong send talaga yun (Bukas ako sa ideyang sinadya mong ipadala yun sa'kin nang sa gayon ay di mo kailanganing sabihin ito sa aking mukha.)... Marami akong hindi alam at hindi naiintindihan kaya hindi ako dapat magalit...
Yung mga araw na ginamit ko sa pangangarap na makapasok muli ay nasayang... Yung saya na sana'y para sa araw na ito'y naglahong parang bula... Biglang nalungkot na lang ako at nawalan na ng ganang pumasok...
Eto lang siguro ang maitutugon ko sa text mo sa'kin...
Nakakatawa kasi sa dinami-dami ng kaibigan mo na pwede mong pagsabihan tungkol sa inis mo, ako pa ang napili mo. Hindi ba't kay saya?! Kung alam ko lang na ganito pala ang mangyayari, hindi na lang sana ako nag-enroll... Wag ka mag-alala... Ngayon me pagsasabihan ka tungkol sa pagkainis mo sa pag-enroll ko - AKO. Dalawa na tayong naiinis... At least ngayon, may kasama ka na.
Maybe we should start aPapasok pa kaya ako? Wag na siguro... Hindi... Papasok ako. Umpisa pa lang ng sem.
Bring it on!
kitten posted @ 6:00 AM |
Saturday, November 19, 2005
I miss my LOLA!!!
Papalapit na ang death anniversary ng lola ko. Hindi ko ata nablog yun nung nangyari un...
*flashback sequence*
It was December 9, Friday. It was late, my grandmother was nowhere to be found, but no one in the house was worried. She's done this before. She'd turn up in the morning.
*The phone rings*
My aunt is on the line. She tells my dad that people found my lola at the side of Roxas Blvd. She was unconscious, but she wasn't dead, and she was at the intensive care unit.
I remember that when I heard intensive care unit, my knees went weak and my hands went cold. People come into the ICU, most don't come out...
My dad left us but reminded us to go to sleep early. We all went to bed right away, but I doubt that anyone in the house managed to sleep.
Morning came. Saturday, December 10. We had to be somewhere, but my dad couldn't drive us. He had to be... somewhere else. Us kids had no idea where.
My mom was quiet. More quiet than usual. I sat there in the car, while my brother went to get us a couple of sodas.
She's dead. she told me.
I know. I said.
And I did know. I just didn't know how.
It was then that she told me to type up in my phone a message for my parent's friends, informing them of what happened. My mom didn't know what to type up, neither did I, but we managed.
I remember trying to hold back the tears. I shaking my head and telling myself it was all a bad dream... It was an hour later that we got to my grandma's wake and I knew that it was all real.
We stood there, in front of the casket. I looked at her...
This couldn't be her. She'd be happy, she'd be smiling. And she'd be rosy. She'd have her hair in a bun. She'd be in her colorful house dress. My grandmother wouldn't have blank expression. She wouldn't be pale. She wouldn't let her hair down. She wouldn't wear white if her life depended on it. This couldn't be her.
I looked at her again.
It is her.
My brother looked at me and said Tulog lang siya. Gigising na yan mamaya. I shook my head.
If my heart could have been broken into more pieces, it happened at that moment.
We sat down. We were all so vulnerable, so weak. We lost her. We lost the life of the house.
My brother looked our faces and must have realised the gravity of the matter. She isn't sleeping, he must've thought.
My mom and dad left us at the wake. They had to be somewhere else, but we had to stay there. Just in case some people came...
Around half an hour after my parents left, my brother came up to casket and said Lola, gising ka na...
Lola, gising ka na...
His voice was quivering. My hands were shaking and my eyes were filling up with tears. My brother didn't understand. Neither did I, but I have to pretend that I did. I'm the eldest. One of the kids had to be the strong one.I miss my lola. Especially now that I'm sick. Among all my family members, she's the nicest one when I'm sick. She'd give me massages, heat up tea for me and check up on me every hour.
She didn't even see me graduate from high school... She would have been so proud of me. She didn't go to school, you see... She was born during the war. There was no time for school.
Anyway, I heard her laughing a couple of days back. I didn't see her, but I know she was here...
kitten posted @ 9:09 AM |
Friday, November 18, 2005
Sick. Domeng!!! Unsent letter.
Me dakit ako. *sniff*
For days I have been dying for a smoke and God has given me an eye-opener.
Last Tuesday, my asthma has finally caught up on me. Yipee. *mark sarcasm* And I feel terrible. Okay, God, You've made Your point. Can I get better now, please?
So I've been trying to get as much rest as I can... I wanna get better. I hate being sick. But I'm still sick. The asthma's gone but it's left a trail of cough and mild fever behind it. *Flu alert* And on the weekend too! Darn.
Shout out to my Lefty!!!
Marie Dominique Quilicot a.k.a. Doms
I miss you too... *Warning: This may sound like Doms and I are together.*
I've been thinking about you... It's very quiet here at home and I wish I had someone to just be here. And I've been thinking about how much fun we have when we're together. Gawd, I can't believe we've made so much memories together in such a short span of time. :)
Naisip ko pa, How come I miss Doms more than I miss Cat? I don't know, do you?
I realised I've taught you a lot of evil things.
- Smoking. (According to Justin, Cigarette smoking is dangerous to your health. Remember?)
- I reactivated your lesbian tendencies. I'm really sorry about that.
- Rocklets. Need I say more?
Remember the time sa ym when you figured out that I liked *toot*. Wow. Remember the time you were crying because of my blog? Remember the time we stalked Kevs dun sa bilihan ng water? Remember when we shared mini donuts and sago't gulaman because we were both broke? LOL.
I miss you Domeng!!! I wouldn't write it up here in my blog if I didn't... I wish I could talk to you... It seems when I'm online, you're not. Hope to catch you one of these days. :)
Domeng!!!
Unsent Letter No.
Dear Sunshine,
I'm trying my best not to think about you. I've been making progress too. Being without you has been working for me better than I expected.
What made it so difficult was thinking about all the fabulous times we had each other... I mean... Why did we have to have such good times? A part of me wishes we didn't. Then I wouldn't have such a hard time forgetting you.
Do you remember the time we were walking under the rain, sharing the same umbrella? I saw you smiling and asked you why. You said Wala lang. And I didn't dare argue. After a while, you looked at me and said Ikaw? Bakit nakangiti ka? I dunno. I guess you just have that effect on me... You make me smile - a lot.
I miss you...
Moonlight
kitten posted @ 10:11 AM |
Friday, November 11, 2005
Fix Me. The Weasel. Wanting Out.
Have you heard Coldplay's Fix You?
It's the kind of song you want to make love to...
It's the kind of song you want to listen to when you're sad...
It's the kind of song that speaks to me...
Fix me.
Better yet, fix my life...
I'm
Matalino ang kapatid ko. Matagal ko nang alam yun pero kanina ko lang napatunayan...
Turns out he knows I've been accessing the internet behind my parents' back. He weaseled on me today. And for a good price too. How does a brand new digital camera sound like to you? Sounds like bribery to me.
So I'm upset. So I'm very upset. Now what?
Ugh.
I hate to think I've always covered for him when he needed me to, and he'd turn me in for a camera. Damn.
Note to self: Kill brother during free time.
Hmm. People haven't removed me from their Block4 Sun list. I mean, technically I'm not part of Block4 anymore... So I kinda want out.
I mean... it just makes me feel bad, ya know? I get messages about school or the lack of it, and I just get reminded of how bad my life is right now.
I want out. But then again...
I will always want in. Block4's my family... *hugforeveryone* INCLUDING NOLAN!!! And I miss them all terribly...
kitten posted @ 4:57 AM |
Thursday, November 10, 2005
School. First day. Tribute. Shout-outs.
*sigh*
I came to school Tuesday to reserve my slot for this term. People were asking me whether I'd still be enrolling for the term and all I could do was shrug my shoulders and say "No." I don't know why my dad wanted me to reserve that slot. I mean, what'd be the point right?
Anyway, it was good to see my friends again!
And I appreciated every hug and every smile... praying hard that it wouldn't be the last...
I was tired when I got home. I was dead tired. But it was worth every ounce of energy I had because
- I got to see Pam Q before she left for the States. We got to talk for a while and we semi-promised we'll see each other in New York. :)
- I got to see my Sunshine. *sigh*
I mean, while I didn't have anything to do here at home, I was kinda psyching up myself to let my Sunshine go. I mean, I should, right? But I forgot all of that yesterday. I forgot because I never meant it. I'm not ready to stop loving yet.
All it took was a text message, a glimpse of that wonderful hair, and the sight of the warmest smile in the world and I forgot everything... *sigh*
Love sick parin ako.
What's funny is that we didn't even spend time together. As in wala talaga. Doms was even telling me Himas-himasin mo na siya... LOL. Langya, ginawang santo! But I know what she meant. Right now, every minute is precious...
Today is the first day of classes for my dear old blockmates and I must say I wish I were there to share it with them... I was texting some of my blockmates a while ago and, god, I envied them.
They played Shake-Shake-Shampoo a while ago. Doms was telling me about it. I wish I were there...that was my game they were playing! Alas, I am here at home, soaking in whatever Shakespeare I can find.
Gusto ko pumasok sa school!
Is that so wrong? *cries*
And my best friend thinks it's her fault I'm not going to school anymore. Of course, you could have caused this to happen earlier but it would have happened anyway. So, don't blame yourself, alright? You're still my best friend. *hug*
I don't want to go to sleep. And I don't want to wake up tomorrow realising that my day won't be spent in school.
How many Filipinos leave the country to look for a better life everyday? If you find out, lemme know.
This is my tribute to Pam Q.
If there's one person the Philippines should miss, it's Pam Q.
She was my blockmate (Pwede ko gamitin yung term na yun, right? Block naman tayo eh.) back in high school and she was my schoolmate later on in UPM. She's very smart. She makes a lot of sense and she has a good sense of humor. You will learn a lot from talking to her. I know I have. She's a writer, just like me, only she took it a level higher because she doesn't only keep a blog, she used to be part of our high schoo paper. Wow. She's leaderly. Very. Class president. Blockhead. What's next, Pam? :) She's passionate. Whatever it is she's doing, she gives it her best. I guess that's why she's so good in everything. She's everything that a Miriam student should be and she deserves better than what this country can give her.
The Philippines has says goodbye to another great mind (a terrible loss, mind you), but the rest of the world welcomes her.
I love you PamQ. *hug*
Curious, bakit ka nagsosorry?
Ia, bilhan mo ako ng prepaid na internet at lagi ako magi-internet para sa'yo. LOL.
Cara, sorry naputol ung pag-uusap natin kanina. Panira ang Sun. Mamatay na ang Sun. Joke lang. Masaya ang Sun. LOL. Miss na kita, promise! May landline ka ba? Tawag ka dito sa bahay! :)
Roxanne, sorry I haven't been going online. It's kinda hard to explain... But if you have anything to say to me, you can leave your messages here. The people don't mind, anyway. :) I hope you're doing alright. I miss you too. :)
kitten posted @ 9:22 AM |
