I was reading Sam's blog and I read something about how lonely it is when you're alone...

Know what? It really is lonely being alone. I guess that's why there's a saying that goes "No man is an island." It doesn't matter if you're a loser and don't have friends, or you're a emotionally-constipated-single-since-birth person. It just sucks big time to be all by yourself in a world where souls find there way back to each other and unite.

Whenever I realize I'm alone (which hasn't happened since... I can't remember when =P), I think about the people in my life who have ever deserted me. I cry my eyes out, especially if I'm just getting over a relationship or something and feel... helpless. Pure and utter helplessness. Powerless to change how I'm feeling, and even more powerless to change what happened.

Sometimes, I tell the people I trust that I'm lonely and they always tell me that I don't need anybody to make me feel complete and/or happy. And I agree. I honestly and sincerely agree. No one should have to feel incomplete or unhappy just because they lost/haven't found that one person for them. But when you've lost that someone, it's not about that person making you happy. Heck, there are a million things that can make a person happy. It's that THAT person shared your happiness, and now that person's gone. It's not that you're unhappy. It's that you wish there was someone to be happy for you and with you. What good is total and complete happiness when you're all alone? What will you do with something so good and so perfect? Share it. And when you're alone, you can't do that, and that's why it's a shame being alone...

I wonder whether I'll grow to be a spinster (n. an unmarried woman past the common age for marrying)... I mean, I have a life pretty much worked out, and it has little, if any at all, room for men. Wala lang... Just sharing.
kitten posted @ 12:34 AM |



I have never written an entry that was a sequel to a previous entry, so I don't really know whether this will look like the sequel that it is.

Yesterday, we had to go back to SLEC for the imuunization crap. Ick. We were there as early as 7.00am when we knew that the immunization starts at 8.30am, butwhattheheck, sometimes it pays to be early.

My encounter with the blood test didn't go as horible as I thought it would, probably coz I closed my eyes and everything. Anyway, just like yesterday, there was a room you entered for that kinda stuff. They don't inject you with those things in front of the many, many people who can't wait to get their vaccines, grab the arliest flight out, and get the hell out of this country. Thank goodness. Or so that was what I thought.

Waiting usually doesn't bother me. I'm a pretty patient person, especially because I'm used to the "red tape" this country has for almost everything. But yesterday was different coz I was getting shots! Ick. I hate needles and my guess is that I'll continue to hate them for, like, the next 60 years or so. Anyway, it was a good thing I brought something to read plus I had my phone to keep me company.

Soon, the names were called by threes. *panicks* Why are they calling the people in threes? Take a lucky guess. Winner takes all. (Mark sarcasm in my tone.) *shakes head* I sank into my chair as I realised that it wasn't going to be the friendly encounter I had the other day. Oh no, it was different and far from over.

You'd think after a while the crowd would start to thin, but it didn't. It seemed that everyone just loved those shots. Well, everyone but me. And soon my name was called. The first of the threes. Mehn. I just hate my life sometimes.

I stepped into the room and slumped (literally) into one of the chairs nearest the door (just in case I needed to runaway =P). There were three people besides us three who were waiting to get immunized (that makes six. I did the math, in case my description was a bit vague) with *shivers* I don't even want to think about it. My name was called by this pretty good-looking guy (it made the shots a little bit easier, but I think he was gay. Ick. Good-looking guys are always either taken, gay or both.). He asked for my passport (which I conveniently left one floor down) and I said I had to get it from my stuff downstairs. He said it was okay and I didn't hurry to get it. If they're so determined to give it to me, I think they ought to wait. *evil laugh*

The trip to my beloved, stampless passport didn't take as long as I hoped it would. I was back in the Immunization room in less than five minutes. Damn elevators. I handed the guy (I had discovered his name and it was Russel. *drool* think Russel Crowe...) my passport and sat down. He was giving me instructions to the blah blah blah... (Just give it.. Stop prolonging the agony, will you?) The only part I caught was about me getting two shots (I was anticipating just one. I hate my life.) and one drop of... something. Then he took out the drop of something and it was over. I wished he just saved it for the last. Btw, it tasted like... ew. I dunno. *shivers* Then he took out one of the precious injections... Ugh. The mere thought of it makes me shake. He was cleaning the area he would poke when I stood up and took three steps away from him. I was laughing to myself. This is silly, I thought. So I sat down again and started cleaning my arm with cotton and alcohol. (I so hate hospital SOPs.) I told him I hated injections and he was kind enough to flash me his smile and say "It won't hurt. It would, but not that much." (Thank you, sir, for speaking to me in English. One of the things I hate about some people is you speak to them in English and they answer back in Filipino.) And by body seemed to know what to do coz i shut my eyes. The darn immunization was over in less than five minutes.

Yeaah! I won't be seeing any of those things for at least another two months.

PS Macy!!! Thanks! Di ka pa late, I'll be celebrating my whole life. =P
kitten posted @ 11:07 PM |



I have always found it somewhat insignificant to tell people that I hate needles. I mean, I have never come up to any of my friends and said "Hey you know what? I hate needles." I'm weird enough, thank you.

Anyway, I don't hate all needles. I can deal with crochet needles, knitting needles, sewing needles and other needles used for artsy-wartsy stuff. I, however, hate needles that have a very clear intent to invade my body. I hate injections and I have never had an operation where I'd be cut open and sewn back together. *gag* That'd simply make me die. Even if I were unconscious! *gag* I mean, if man was supposed to be anywhere near needles, he'd have them, like, at the back of his hand or something. I'm being stupid now. LOL.

Today, I went to St. Luke's Extension Clinic near PGH coz I needed to get a thorough medical examination. When I say thorough, I mean thorough. Anyway, part of the exam was to take a sample of your blood so that they can find out whether you have HIV, Syphilis *wrinkles nose and makes a face*, traces of drugs, etc. Erm, I didn't have to take that. I mean, I'm guaranteed 100% pure (YFC 'to! Solo Dios Basta!). Unfortunately, my word was apparently not good enough so I had to go through with it. Ick.

While I was waiting, my brother was trying to talk me out of it. Ick. He was scaring me. I didn't mind him; he's a bit stupid/funny(-looking LOL.) sometimes. And I was starting to get annoyed and paranoid. Ugh. I don't know how I can love someone like that. LOL. (Love you, Dean! *huggie*)

Then my name was called for that damn blood test and I had no choice. I came up to the counter, got my tube and walked into the room. It was a small room, and there wasn't really a crowd (there wasn't a soul in sight, actually) so THANK GOD (The only thing worse than being afraid of something is havaing people make fun of your fear. Tsk.). The sample was taken less than a minute after I sat down.

Then my name was called for that damn blood test and I had no choice. I came up to the counter, got my tube and walked into the room. It was a small room, and there wasn't really a crowd (there wasn't a soul in sight, actually) so THANK GOD (The only thing worse than being afraid of something is havaing people make fun of your fear. Tsk.). The sample was taken less than a minute after I sat down.

We were on our way home when I was thinking about how funny/silly/absolutely stupid I am about this whole needle thing. I mean, I would have fainted at the mere thought of being... poked. Ick. Had I not closed my eyes (yup, nakapikit ako...=P), I would have lost consciousness. Literal ah? Grabe, I am such a baby. Nakakahiya.

PS Special thanks to the following (Not in any order): GothicFury, Annavi, Pam S, Li'l Tin, Li'l Bea, Lebs, Pam Q, Karen, M.C.O.S.2 *winkie* and Roxanne (dunno if you'll read this, but I'll thank you anyway.=P). Don't ask why.
kitten posted @ 6:16 AM |



i want a handheld! my parents are at the brink of throwing me out coz i've been pestering them about this. i want a handheld, and i don't care how expensive it is. a girl can dream, you know? check out this site.

Click me. You know you want to.
kitten posted @ 1:26 AM |



"Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow you shall die."

And that's exactly what I shall do. I'll eat and drink and celebrate until I go insane or the sun comes up, whichever comes first, except yung part na "for tomorrow you shall die" kasi gusto ko pang mabuhay because...

Today I got the call from the Office of the Registrar of UP-Manila. The lady called to tell me that *drum roll please* I finally got accepted to their school. *does the dance thing* Uh-huh, uh-huh. I am ever so happy. I'm so happy I'm going to write the conversation we had.

Lady: Ms. Kristina? <--Yung maid kasi ung sumagot, so alam niya na ako na ung sasagot sa phone.

Me: Yes?

Lady:: I'm calling from the Office of the Registrar of UP-Manila.

Me: Uh-huh. <--Kunyari wala lang, pero sa totoo niyan, yung heart ko nagbebeat uber fast sa kaba... As in kung paano ung feeling kapag malakas yung bass ng mga giant speakers, ganun yung feeling.

Lady: Itatanong ko lang po kung okay na sa inyo ung Political Science. <--Erm, lady, are you giving me an option? LOL.

Me: Pol-Sci? Ah, oo. <--Ngek, ang N.R. ko pala. LOL.

Lady: Okay. Pumunta na lang po kayo sa Office of the Registrar ng mga first week of May para kunin yung Notice of Acceptance. <--The word acceptance has never sounded sooo good.

Me: So, I've already been accepted? <--Ang slow ko. Shitness. LOL.

Lady: Yes. Ma'am.

Me: Ah ok. <--Shitness, ang calm ko tlga! LOL. Pero kunyari lang. LOL.

Lady: Okay yun lang po.

Me: Wait! Saan pupunta? Sa Office of the Registrar ng first week of May para kuhain ung Notice of Acceptance? <--Ang slow ko pala kapag masaya. LOL.

Lady: Opo.

Me: Okay. Thank you. Thank you talaga. <--Sobrang saya ko niyan. Pero kunyari hindi. Kunyari wala lang. LOL.

Lady: Thank you din.

Pagkababang-pagkababa ko ay nagtatatalon ako at nagsasasayaw sa tuwa! Shitness. Feeling ko naman ang great ko na! LOL. Pero sa totoo lang, pagkababa ko, nagtatatalon talaga ako habang sumisigaw ng "UP na ako! UP na ako! Woohoo! UP na ako!" . There couldn't possibly be a happier person alive than me...

Grabe, sinubukan nanaman ako ni God. Grabe, after weeks of endless prayers, sleepless nights and whathaveyou, natanggap na rin ako sa UP. I'm so glad because one: may school na ako for college and two: sa UP ako. Grabe, The school of my dreams, literal ha? Grabe, never mind how far we live... Kahit gaano kalayo, papasok ako! Umulan man o bumagyo, papasok ako. Ganun ako kasaya na nakapasa na ako at last sa UP. Shitness. And I now realise how GREAT He is. He actually let me sacrifice Ateneo coz He'll let me go to my dream school with money to spare. Shitness. Words aren't enough, literally aren't enough, to describe how happy I am. Naisip ko tuloy, okay lang na hindi na ako nagconfirm sa Ateneo... Kasi UP na naman ako. Shitness. Kung kanino man ung slot sa UP na nakuha ko, maraming salamat. At sa nakakuha ng slot ko sa ADMU, pagbutihin mo ha?

Shit, my life has meaning again. I haven't been cursing lately, pero sa sobrang saya ko, I have lost all control of it. And I'm so happy I won't be a bum for a year/ sem. And! My life has meaning again. Shitness. And! Hindi na ako palamunin (the term, Kitten. The term. Ew. But right now, I don't care.) dito sa bahay. Feeling ko yung dapat na ipang-papaaral nila sa akin sa Ateneo, panggagastos na lang namin sa iba't ibang pangunahin namin pangangailangan. Shitness. I'm so happy. Literal.

Wow. Soooobrang great ni God. After countless days of near depression, not to mention desperation, He cheers me up with the only thing that can do it. Shitness. I looove God. Sobra. Sabi nga niya, "I will never stop doing good to you."
kitten posted @ 6:59 AM |



"If you were right and I was wrong, why are you the one who's gone and I'm still here?"

This line was taken from the song I'm Still Here by Vertical Horizon, and it has been playing in my head since Saturday afternoon.Obviously, it hasn't occured to me to blog it until this moment. I'm kinda lonely and it's for reasons I can't actually write here. I lead a pretty private life, or at least I try to, and I like to think that I do. LOL. Anyway, if you had a brain the size of a kidney bean, you'd probably know that one of the reasons I'm upset (If you had a brain larger than a kidney bean, you'd know that there are many reasons I'm upset, and not just one.) has something to with a person (that I choose not to reveal, of course). And the line "If you were right and I was wrong..." is exactly what I want to scream at the top of my lungs so that THAT person could hear it. Alas, I can't scream at the top of my lungs, and even if I could, I doubt my voice would be loud enough to reach, erm, 1 mile? *sigh*

I was speaking to a good friend (Hi Ice!) a while ago and this is what she said: "When things like that happen, I mean kapag nag-away kayo, try to resolve it at that moment. Kasi isipin mo, mareresolve din later. Bakit niyo pa patatagalin?" (Thanks, Ice. Fantastic advice you gave there.). And she's right. Why should I/we prolong the agony of having to deal with this later when I/we can deal with it now? I mean, when we just release some steam, meaning you take time apart, the tendency is to actually have a gap that might never be filled. And what's scary is that the gap creeps up on the both of you that maybe after some time, you'll find yourself unable to resolve that conflict because the gap is just too big. The whole point of this instant conflict resolution thing is that to bridge the gap right away. Okay, I get that. I doubt, however, if I was able to do exactly that. If I were able to do that, I think I wouldn't be feeling as crummy as I'm feeling now. Get it? I'm so friggin' lonely, and I can't even tell people why. (Noticed the change in my tone from upset to absolutely annoyed?)

Honestly, I didn't think things like this could ever happen to me. I mean, yeah, I'm no angel, but I'm sure I have enough decency to take care of other people's feelings well enough. Guess I was wrong. (And I guess all that toying with feelings caught up with me na. LOL. Hi Gaby!) But seriously, I didn't think Life could actually throw something like this at me. I mean, Me? Ms. I'm-Not-Nasty-At-First-Glance-But-Don't-Wait-Up-To-Find-Out-If-You-re-Right? I always play with Life, but Life never plays with me -- until now.

This just in: I have a new family thing I have to work out. Erm, it's not as simple as parents fighting or siblings running away or somehing like that (Yeah, I actually think things like that are simple.). It's something more serious, more unstoppable and more permanent than that, and I can't write it here, again. Most of the people who read my blogs know what I'm talking about naman eh, so I don't wanna put it here na. I don't wanna think about it, even! It seems so certain.

They say change is the only constant thing, but I beg to differ. There are more things (though some are intangible) that are never-changing. Things like love. People like family. (Although sometimes you wish you could switch members with someone you know and you can finally have that really cool family you've always wanted. I mean even if you guys get torn apart by some concubine or some job or soemthing else that I can't think of right now, you'd always have the same blood pumping through your system and you'll always have love for each other no matter how you try to deny it.) Where am I taking you with these ideas? I don't know. LOL. But seriously, I'm just blabbing. LOL. No, I'm kidding. This has something to do with that issue with the family. I mean, I'm not ready for change. It seems everything around me is changing. Everything and everyone is moving on and I'm all about holding on. Sigh.

I really feel like crying and screaming my head-off. I couldn't possibly feel worse than I already do. I think I need help. Loneliness like this isn't healthy, for me at least. And I so need booze or a cigarette, anything to take me out of this misery for a while. Better yet, make it a hug and a kiss or two. Maybe after that I'd feel better.
kitten posted @ 1:33 AM |



Okay, this'll be the only time I'll ask you to leave my blog if you don't wanna get annoyed. I bet some of the readers will probably hate me for saying [writing] the things I'm about to say, but I actually don't care. Of course there's a happy part, but that'll be in the end, and it's not that happy, anyway.

Rant #1
I won't say your name, you know who you are and I'll spare you the humiliation. I'm not that bad. I do have a heart, especially for you.
Anyway, what you said yesterday got me into thinking. Sabi mo kasi "Ako ba kahit kailan naipagmalaki mo na?" Pinagmamalaki naman kita ah, hindi nga lang lagi, pero hindi nun ibig sabihin na hindi ako proud sa'yo. Before that moment, I thought all was well with us, tapos BAM! I found out I was wrong... Pasensha ka na kung hindi kita naipagmamalaki palagi, alam mo naman siguro kung bakit hindi ko iyon ginagawa. Pinagmamalaki naman kita, lalo na sa pamilya ko, the people who shouldn't even hear me talking about you... And in case you're wondering what I say, I tell them that you're smart and funny and very kind, they just happen to miss that side of you most of the time... I shouldn't even be telling you this coz, well, it's none of your business, but I care about how you feel... I really care about how you feel... I hope after we talked things are already better. I just had to put this here.

Wag magfeeling, kung hindi ikaw 'to, wag magfeeling. LOL.

Rant #2
I feel so bad, and I don't even know if I'm supposed to feel bad. Yun lang. kala niyo kung ano, no?

Rant #3
Have you noticed that almost every girl (and I mean every girl) is a Pond's girl? What do I mean when I say Pond's girl? I mean this: maputi, mahaba ang buhok, payat, chinita/mestiza.

Hindi ba nakakainis? Parang pare-pareho na lang ung mga hitsura nung mga babaeng nakakaharap mo? Heck, even their clothes are the same. And to make it worse, yun ung gusto nung mga lalaking makikilala mo. It's as if those men are encouraging the women to be generic. And to make it even worse than it already is, the people, men and women alike, seem to have forgotten what substance is. It occured to me and Gaby (Hi Gaby!=P) that people are completely missing the point of individuality. They have already forgotten that there's more to us that just beauty. If God wanted us to be just pretty, He wouldn't have given us brains at all. But He did, and that should give us something to think about.

Don't think I'm bitter, okay? I'm not, and I'm happy not being all that. I'd rather be different and be myself, than be like everyone else and have a hard time trying to set my self apart from them.

Rave
I did my nails today. I had to remove the lovely green color first, but that's okay. It was ugly and scraped anyway.

Then I got this idea...

When things are pretty we love them so much. And then when time has taken its toll, it'll be ugly and worn, and we have to get rid of it... But that doesn't mean we didn't love it. It just means we have to get on with our lives, but have to leave behind the things that are no longer of any use to us. It's like the saying "Out with the old, in with the new."

I love doing my nails! It always calms me down...

PS Sure, Ice, erm, gothicfury, you can borrow my Sandman, just take good care of it, ayt? I'll probably drop it off there sa house niyo around, Wednesday. Is that okay? Btw, loved your comment. *winkie*

PPS Hi kim! Thanks for saying you like it. Between you and me, I love the blog too.

PPPS CARA!!! Super miss na kita... wala lang. *giggles*
kitten posted @ 12:27 AM |



I now have a poetry blog! Feel free to visit it. Althugh I doubt I'd be updating it as much as this one. I'd just keep you posted, pardon the pun.

Poetry Blog

PS Gaby, I think God watches TV. I think He watches everything. LOL.
kitten posted @ 5:58 AM |



These pst few days, people have been giving me ideas on what to write here in my blog. Of course they rarely have any idea that I'm going to blog what they said, but whattheheck?

I was chatting with Tin (Hi Tin! Hope you're reading this. *winkie*) and she said something about God having his own humor. The common person wouldn't actually think God has humor. I mean, He's GOD and He's supposed to be dead serious about things. But you know wat? He's not. He actually teases you a little and makes you laugh when you least expect it. If you don't understand a bit of what I'm saying, just read on.

Yesterday, the results of the appeals for UP-Manila were supposed to come out. (To those who haven't heard, UP is now my last and only option of going to school next year. Bummer. Kidding!) Guess what? They didn't release the friggin' results. I have been looking forward to that day since last week. I've been looking forward to that day since last, last week. Heck, I've been looking forward to that day since I filed my appeal. The Office of the Registrar said the results would be out on April 27th instead. I guess I could deal with that.

What I found somewhat annoying is that I've been praying HARD about this, and He said "Don't you trust me?" (Yes, He said that.) I do. I really do. I just wish He wouldn't play God (Well, he can't be playing god coz he is God.)... I mean amidst all my anxieties and panicks, He does this.

After Tin and I spoke, it got me into thinking. Maybe God just wants me to relax. I mean, I'm always so worried and tense. Then I smiled and laughed and giggled. He is funny, ain't He? He is the joker of all time.

I realised that this was His way of telling me to just trust Him. Of course I always want things done my way, but His way is always best. Right now, I'm still waiting for the results to come out. I'm not that anxious though, but I am, naturally, still nervous. I wouldn't want Him to postpone it again so I might as well do things His way.
kitten posted @ 10:48 PM |



The Scientist - Coldplay
Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need ya
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easyI
t's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Lovely, lovely lyrics... Wala lang...
kitten posted @ 1:18 AM |



I was talking to an old friend yesterday (Hi Roxanne!) and she said something about how fear gets hold of the best of us and prevents us from doing what we want. She also said something about how we leap before we look when it comes to matters of the heart but look before we leap when we deal with other things. Erm, that was great, and it made so much sense I have to blog it.

Fear is the worst enemy of all. It paralizes us more than any drug and psychs us down better than any body. Fear. And we're always told to face our fears, even if the whole point of us being afraid of that thing is that we don't wanna face it. But when we are afraid, it is when we, in my opinion, are the bravest, especially if we're not in denial of our fear. Life is an irony, ain't it? LOL.

Leaping before you look and looking before you leap. Whoever thought of that anyway? I mean, why'd you leap in the first place? Can't you walk to it or just use a bridge? What is it with the leaping? But seriously, who thought of it? It's precisely that phrase that makes us cowards. Because we look too much, we often find too much or too little of what we expect so we just... walk away. We could've just leapt in without any expectations and appreciated that thing (how inarticulate!) for whatever it is. No demands, no complaints whatsoever.

Then again, there are times when we do need to look before we leap. But it's not a good idea to do t all the time. Otherwise, our life just loses its color. And what is life without color?
kitten posted @ 10:55 PM |



Have you ever met anyone who seemed to be so stoned, yet appears to be cool and refreshing?

Zen. It keeps you calm. It makes you a cool kind of stoned. Here are a couple of quotes (?) I found from my reading.

Not concerned with outer things, without having any troubles inside, if one's mind is like a wall he would at the same time be in the Tao (truth).

Detach oneself from all external stimulation and be undisturbed within.

At the ultimate point it is not death, but the fulfilled and transparent clarity that is truly sharp, and the life that is pure from within. In relating to the outside world it is like being completely reborn. That reborn energy is of great strength and expands throughout the external world as well.

Wow. It must be fun to practice such… wisdom.

I think I’ll adopt that kind of attitude, not just because it’s cool, but also because the world could use a little less freaking outs and breaking downs from me. Besides, I think the reborn perspective will be quite nice.

*problem arises* erm, It’s practically Buddhism. I can’t practice that is anything other than Christian in this house, even if it’s not exactly the religion I’m practicing but the ideals that are incorporated in that religion. Yoga isn’t even allowed in this house because it’s said to be something like trance-meditation and I have no idea what I’m supposed to make out of that statement.

Anyway, I think the line between practicing religion and practicing the religion’s ideals is pretty thin, but it’s still a line and it’s pretty clear to me. I will have to leave this house first before I can practice it without problems.
kitten posted @ 3:43 AM |



Where will I go to school? I seriously have no idea. UP results won't come out until tomorrow, so I still can't say whether I'm going to UP.

My friend asked me that question a while ago (Hi Karen!) and I said I don't know yet. I said if I were unfortnate, I'd have no school to go to --yet. Know what she said?

"Kahit saang school, nasa tao naman yan."

She's right. It' doesn't matter what school I go to, what matters is that I do my best in that school. That's what really matters. Galing! *applause for Karen*

I guess there are a lot of things that don't matter, but we still think they matter because there are people who make us think they do. We spend most of our lives trying to be the right person, the person who has, does, and is everything right and in that attempt, we fail to see tht it doesn't really matter... We forget who we are, because we're busy trying to matter to everyone else... Worse, we forget that WE matter more than anything else. Am I making sense?

Hmmm... Things you learn from staying online. LOL.
kitten posted @ 12:51 AM |



We have a new pope! It had taken them only two days and 4 votes. Wow. A new Pope. I wonder what he'll do for the people...

I was watching the news last night (or a while ago... that was around 1 am) and saw the thousands of people rushing to see the new pope and receive his blessing. I just had to wonder: Why is the pope sooo important to the Catholics? Erm, I'm a Catholic, but I don't know. It's like the people make him second god, and that's not supposed to be happening... *shrugs*
kitten posted @ 7:14 PM |



Have you ever had that single moment of silence you have wanted for sooo long and then find yourself trying to fill the void? I have. Just minutes ago... *flashback sequence*

So, my friend and I were having this very hostile conversation on the phone. We were interrupted by an incoming call. I answer it, naturally, and the girls asks so many questions.. So I ask the people in the house to help me out and my ever-so-intelligent mom asked me to hang-up. So I did. Then the person starts calling again, and my dad steps in starts shouting, for what I don't know. He told me to answer the phone to get it done and over with. So I did. I mean, what's a girl to do? Then he walks away, mumbling. Whatthef***? I let that pass, of course. I still have the tiniest bit of respect for him. Then I continue using the phone and then minutes later I hang up. And then, when I stand up to go my room (because seriously I was at the verge of crying) he starts yelling again. Fantastic. And he's not just yelling, he's yelling AT ME and for what? Heaven knows! So i try to escape as fast as possible to safest corner in the house - my room.

Later, everyone was quiet. Our family is known for that. We're always so quiet, but we're not unfriendly, just quiet. It's like we don't feel the need to say anything. And then everyone tries to break the silence. Everyone's trying to make as much noise as possible, and had I the courage to do the same, I would have screamed at the top of my lungs.

Funny, sometimes people are looking for peace, because they get tired with the noise of everything. Then, when they get the silence they want, they try to break it. I don't even know how a silence becomes uncomfortable.

Anyway, I'm writing this as a form of escape from them. I'm done crying. Later, I'll be screaming. Maybe tomorrow, I'll be running away.
kitten posted @ 11:54 PM |



Someone asked me, although right now I can't remember who, why I keep a Blog. It got me into thinking, of course. And these are the answers I came up with.

I keep a Blog because sometimes no one listens, or rather, no one hears. I then write everything here in an attempt to reach someone, anyone, and make them hear. The death of a writer happens when no one hears and reads. My blog is an attempt to "publish" my work and have people swim in my thoughts even for just a minute. I am, after all, a self-declared writer and no writer wants to die unheard and unread.

Another reason I keep a Blog, although this one is pretty minor, is this: I have nothing else to do right now, since it's summer vacation and all. If you take a look at my archives, most of my entries are written during long breaks. I guess that's when I have enough time to think about what I want to write here. I guess that's also the time things worth writing about actually happen to me.

I think whoever asked me that was thinking about getting a Blog, too. I guess s/he was just trying to find valid reason/s to keep a Blog. Well, a lot of people keep Blogs and their reasons vary. If you're reading this, I suggest that you do get one, and "Don't think. Just write." ~Findiing Forrester
kitten posted @ 7:16 PM |



I have been up almost all day trying to transfer my files into my server. it's taking forever and i'm starting to think i'm better off not doing it at all. waha. I can get very impatient!

Anyway, I'm having second thoughts on whether I'll send Roxanne a copy of my Masarap Pala ang Durian. (If you're reading this, I'm very sorry.) I don't think I'm ready to be... insulted? humiliated? I don't know... Degraded. There. That's the word I'm looking for. Erm, Maybe I will send her a copy... when I'm ready! weehee.

Erm, it's a toughie being a big sister sometimes. I went to mass this morning with my two younger brothers and had a hard time listening to the mass. They were so... annoying. They wouldn't pay attention, they wouldn't sit still and worse, they wouldn't sit still. Argh. What's a girl to do? But you know what, while writing this I realized that I love my brothers a lot... Erm, I might even skip my org meeting today to be there for my youngest brother when he goes parading his ass in the bball league. LoL.
kitten posted @ 12:42 AM |



erm, yes. to my disappointment, i realized that today is the 16th of April. Entries for the Palanca awards are supposed to be post-marked April 15. uh, hello? That was yesterday. Erm, anyway, my entry wouldn't have been a winner anyway... still... i cant help but be annoyed.
kitten posted @ 2:22 AM |



OMG! Lemme start by saying that my N5510 is one of the most important things in my life. It's not just because of the material value. It has cemental, I mean, SENTIMENTAL value. The person who gave it to me is someone I consider God's greatest gift to me. Believe it or not, I almost lost it! I went out of the huse a while ago to get a couple of stuff from a nearby fast food and rode a trike back here. Unfortuantely, I left it in the trike I rode. I ran, and I mean ran like hell to the trike terminal. So you're probably thinking "If you could've walked, why'd you ride a trike?" erm, I was carrying stuff and that's probably the same reason I forgot to check the things I brought with me.

From all that running, I had to catch my breath when I got to the station. Thoughts like what the driver looked like and whether he'd be back came flooding through my mind and it was too much to take that I was at a loss. Fortuantely, and God-willingly, the trike driver was the one who saw me first. He was kind enough to ask why I was so out of breath and so I told him. When he heard that I dropped my phone, he rushed to his trike to grab it for me. Bless his soul. He will never know how thankful I am that he still had it, and that he was honest enough to actually give it back.

I was walking, slowly now, back to my place and I was thinking about how absolutely stupid i can get. Mehn, I didn't think I was that type of person. I mean sure, I have my fall-ups, but they weren't that bad.

Anyway, things learned:
1. Always look out for your things.
2. Never wear beach shorts when your not in the beach.
3. Check your pockets and bags before getting off the automobile.

Learn from my mistakes, please. PLEASE.
kitten posted @ 5:44 AM |



I was having breakfast a while ago and I was looking at a map of the Philippines. (Who brings a map to the breakfast table?) I realized I haven’t seen the Philippines, at all! I haven’t been to half or even quarter of it and I’m going to leave it behind! I mean, I won’t be able to brag about the beauty of it because I haven’t seen it myself. I think it’s a shame living in a wonderful, wonderful country and not be able to tour it to see exactly how beautiful it is.

Friday next week is going to be the day I find out if I make it into UP. Gosh, I hope I make it, or else I’d be a bum for a year, which is a shame, by the way.
kitten posted @ 7:09 PM |



I don't and i'm not gonna find a job anytime soon unless i learn how to actually write one. I mean, sure, I know the basics. But that about the meat and substance? Betcha didn't think about that. Anyway, it's annoying because I have to find a job soon because I don't want to accumulate dust here at home and i want the moolah. Sigh. I sound like everyody else, and that's not good. I heard when you're looking for a job you have to have an edge. So much for that idea.

Hmm, today, i did absolutely nothing. I have my period and this terrible dysmenorrhea (Spell check, please.) . I feel like I just sat there (which I didn't becaus I lay there) and was useless for a day. Argh. Tomorrow, I resolve to do more, erm, stuff! And I will be more useful than anybosy in this house! Ha!

I learned today that on Saturday, Anita's dad would be buried. It's a shame losing your parent at such an early age (and yes, 16/17 is still early). I'm only sorry I couldn't do anything to change it...
kitten posted @ 11:05 AM |




this is me.ü 
kitten posted @ 9:39 PM |



yes! after forever, i have found music i wish to put on my site! yeahboi!:) so there.:) enjoy.:)

erm, today i was dupposed to go to ateneo to confirm my slot, but i didn't.:) i'm not upset, altough i ought to be.:) anyway, i think i made the right choice not confirming my slot. I think i'm better off studying somewhere else and giving that slot to someone who actually wants to go to ADMU. I think it's one of the easiest choices i made in a long time. I won't say i didn't have thoughts on what will i do if blah blah blah, but you know what? i shouldn't be worried. because god promised that he would never ever stop doing good to me, and i trust that he will do just that.:) wow, that was a mouthful.ü anyway, im sure things will work out the way HE planned.
:) lalalalala *skips happily*
kitten posted @ 2:51 AM |



Today was, erm, weird. Yep, that’s the only way I can describe it. It was definitely weird.

I get up early, and I mean EAAARLY, to get ready for the “big day”. I have decided, quite hesitantly, that today would be the day I waste, I mean spend, my Php4,000.00 on reserving myself a slot in ADMU. So I hardly anything because POINT: there is no food and POINT: if there were food I doubt I would be in the mood for eating. Then I rush to the bathroom to find no water. Great. Strike two. So I wait right? Right. I figured I’d brush my teeth and ride the exercise bike a little. And then there was water. So I bathed and dressed and found myself putting on make-up (because I heard a picture will be taken of me for the ID or something like that. Mabuti na yung sigurado noh.) in the car. Several minutes later my mom was panicked because she heard that the ORIGINAL report card would have to be submitted to the Ateneo. Funny, I didn’t think of it as such a big deal… but then again… So we make some calls. Several minutes later, we park the car inside the house (that is to say that the car was parked ouside kanina.). Hindi na kame tumuloy. Sigurado na daw kasi ako sa UP. Please Lord, let it be so… So we postpone it until 2pm tomorrow… Million-cent (because that’s all I can afford) question: Could it be God’s will that I DON’T go to the Ateneo? Answer: I don’t know. It is undeniable na may mga forces na pumipigil sa’kin magconfirm but I still have to pray. (Okay. That right there was creepy. NTS: Never use TagLish for blogging.) Of course, I have never heard of instant answers, but whattheheck? Maybe he’ll cut me some slack just this once.ü After all, he’ll never stop doing good to me. (That is a passage from the Bible, but I can’t remember the book and verse at the moment.ü)

Then I ask around for summer or part time jobs that are available. I actually had Starbucks in mind.ü Only to find out that my neighbor (yes, my neighbor) is vying for the same job and, AND has already submitted her resume in Makati. Imagine, sa Makati pa magpapasa! Eh ni hindi ko pa nga alam kung anung isusulat ko sa resume ko eh! Coincidence or conspiracy? *squints eyes* I have a feeling it’s the latter. Anyway, I have my eye on this other job in Libis. It’s office work so it must be easy-peasy. Problem is I don’t really want to be working with a friend. I don’t want competition. That is to say that there will be competition if ever I work there. So I’m still having second thoughts. My last summer job option will be this call center my tita works for. (Nope, she doesn’t do that “Hello?” thing.) I’m just a little freaked out by the idea that someone, a relative even, will be able to keep close watch on what I do. Man. What a bummer.

Erm, I’m not supposed to be home. LOL. I’m supposed to be doing this conflict resolution thing at my friend’s place but I dissed them. I am such a bad friend.ü Anyway, I’ll just have to check on them later.

PS >> It is so hard to embed music so CONGRATULATIONS! to the people who have successfully embedded music to their site ON THEIR OWN.ü
kitten posted @ 9:42 AM |

To the people who keep a close watch on my adventures, I apologize for not creating entries for quite a while. I've been a little busy.ü Here's a rundown of everything I did.ü

Tuesday, April 5, 2005
I was supposed to log on and create an entry but I was interrupted when I received a very important text message. It turns out that the next day, our sector in YFC will be having an audition for its official band. I spent the time making calls and informing people. We had a couple of bad signs like the sngs required were ones we didn't know and our bassist was unavailable. We also heard that the audition is individual so how in the world is that going to happen?! Of course, we were very (and i mean VERY) determined to get the spot so we pulled strings and made calls and whathaveyou. I stayed up until morning for that.ü

Wednesday, April 6, 2005
Morning: I wake up early because we were supposed to practice at Carl's house. I open my phone and find a text message that upset me. It turns out our guitarist backed out because he will be meeting with his dumb girlfriend. (By dumb, i don't mean stupid. I think what I'm trying to say is that she's meddling or interfering or something close to that.ü) Nice. Really. Nice. Mark sarcasm in my tone.
Fortunately, the rest of the band is willing AND able so we push through with the practice and audition plan. We moved the practice to around 2pm.
2pm and DJ is unavailable so we move the practice to 5pm. Nice.
5pm I drive to Carl's place and happen to have met our bassist. I asked him if he wanted to ride with me since we're going to the same place anyway abnd he says no. Okay. But i thought that was kinda weird.
7pm Millions of pistacio and Uno cards and still no bassist and vocalist. Where have those people gone now?
We called people up and they had np idea where Jino (bassist namen) was. Damn.
8pm Dj has at last arrived but we were still missing 1person. We make calls and we find a replacement and rush to the venue of the audition.ü We got reunited with our former bassist, Mr. Christ dela Paz!ü Booyeah!
8.30pm inside my car, Dj had an emotional vreak down because hid girl friend wouldn't let him do his stuff anymore. By his stuff I mean he wants him to stop his band business with us. Great. How great can my life get?!
9pm we audition and get the place. Booyeah!ü We, unfortunately, have 2 more positions to fill because the band requires 3 vocalists. that's no problem.ü
I arrive at home at around 11pm. I slept well.ü
April 7, 2005
I fixed all my stuff for the big day.ü
April 8-10, 2005
Super bummer. Here's a list of all the things that went wrong.
1. The bus we rode stinked. And I mean that literally in the best way possible.
2. We happen to have riden with the most s.q.-water people i have ever seen. I woke up 2am and wanted to sleep but no. They just had to ride with us and keep us up. Great.
3. We stop over at this place for breakfast where i doubt the food. So much for not missing meals.
4. We get to our "bunks" and find... brace yourself... sako at trapal. Naman. Pagod ako at iritado. Gusto ko mahiga sa maayos na tulugan tas ganon. Nakakainis naman. Tapos mabuhangin pa at madamo.
5. It was s hot. It was so hot everywhere. You can't escape the heat!
6. We were stuck with Mcdo food. It sounds good right? Want to change your mind? Think Supersize Me. I am not in the mood for this.
7. I brought the wrong pants. Everytime I sit on the ground (unfortunately, that's the only place we CAN sit.) my undies are showing. Wala pa naman akong dalang belt. Great.
8. Nag-away si Ate Vanny at Wyn kasi naiwanan namin sha nung nagpunta kame sa Jollibee.
9. Nag-away si Ate Vanny at Pate kasi walang galang si Pate kay Ate Vanny, especially as a superior.
10. Amidst everything, I happen to be stuck with a poor girl with DPD. What is DPD? DPD is Dependent Personality Disorder. It makes you indecisive and very slow, not to mention annoying.
11. Yung liguan, heaven bless it,ay sako din. Meron namang maayos. Duh. Pero may pila dun eh. I don't have time!!! And to make matters worse, when you bathe, your silhouette is seen from outside. Arg.
12. I went to my friend's hotel to take a bath and happen to have left my underwear at the campsite. I wasn't able to take a normal bath. I just took a sponge bath. Pathetic.
13. 7am of 04-11 We were all excited to go home and the bus is nowhere to be found.
14. 12pm of 04-11 *tumbleweed tumbles* still no bus.
15. 5pm of 04-11 *sound of cricket* still no bus.

There are probably more bad things that happened. Some of which I don't remember, some I choose not to remember. But if anyone asks me if i had fun, I would have to say yes and jump all over the place.
Despite all the bad things that happened (I just told Mich this kanina.ü) I'm still very happy I came. I went there and made friends. I went there and I reunited and apologized to the Supreme Being who loves me so much - God.
He told me a lot of things and showed me a lot of things that now that I'm home, I can't wait to tell everyone about how great he is. I just love him so much. I guess it's true what they say. The more you hate, the more you love.ü

April 11, 2005
I slept til late this afternoon. I didn't think I was that tired.ü
i heard from Mich again and I told her all about what happened these past days.ü Wee.ü

kitten posted @ 6:19 AM |



It’s funny how that Discovery camp we had was supposed to make me want to deepen my said relationship with God, actually made me resent Him. It might be awkward hearing this from me, but yes, I resent Him. I resent Him so much I didn’t worship (I was physically there, yes, but my thoughts were far, far from being worship.). I resent Him so much our band performance was bad. I resent Him so much I walked out of my friends and went straight home.

You're probably wondering what made me resent him this much. Actually, it's more of an accumulated thing. It's like I have been trying to just accept what happens in my life, I've been trying to just face the fact that things don't work out for me (even if I try so hard) because they're not meant to, and what does He do? Nothing. That's why i resent Him this bad.

Today, I've felt the worst with Him. Especially with what happened with me and *superman*.

Fine. He can take him away, for all I care. He can ignore my prayers of taking the pain away with the person. Sure. But I can't let this one pass: a part of me died or got lost when i lost that person. I realized I am incomplete - unable to love as much I did in the past. It's a shame, not being able to love perfectly, and it's a burden...

Thing is, I want to get it back. I do. But I can't. Getting it back would mean talking about it out loud. I can't do that. Getting it back would mean facing my past so that I could fix my present. I can't do that. Come to think of it, there are a lot of things I can't do...

To incriminate (incriminate) the matter, Jayar made a stupid joke of my late grandmother. Yeah. Go ahead. Make fun of everything you can think of, won't you?! It hurt so bad that I cried. I wanted to hurt him, to kill him even! But that would make me better than him, or equal to him. It would make me no better than him. I'm sure I'm better than him. (See Green, Brown and Plaid). Very sure, as a matter of fact.

Hiay... There are more, and I mean MORE, bad things that happened to me today. Those, i don't even want to write, let alone think about.

I feel really bad. Really. Ugh. I hate this feeling.

This is probably the worst day of my life. As in worst talaga. it's the kind of day that you wish you won't live through so that you won't have to remember it again EVER in your life.
kitten posted @ 7:25 AM |



today was not as boring as this week's other days. we had band practice the whole afternoon and that pretty much kept me busy the whole day.ü bukas ulit!ü it's amazing how we never get tired of seeing each other's faces.ü it doesn't matter what we're playing! what's important is that we're making music - our number two (one, of course, is GOD.ü) interest.ü does that make sense to you?

we have a scheduled all-night gig next month. we were asked to play the whole night, so that's about 50 songs. whew!ü that's a lot.ü but when you think about it, it's not so bad.ü at least may pondo na kami para sa album namin - puro cover nga lang!ü

have you seen the tide eraser bar commercial?!ü it's so cute! i wish i had a brother like that. mind you, have two brothers but they are FAR from being like that cute kid.ü

i miss going to school. really. even if i have fun with my frinds from church, i miss my friends and classmates a lot!ü waah.... i wanna go to school.ü

ay! i saw timmie kanina.ü i haven't seen her in ages so it was fantastic seeing her again.ü man, am i the only girl alive who's fat?:( anyway, to bring back the spotlight to dear old timmie, she looks great. for someone heartbroken, she sure looks great.ü bakit ako nung heartbroken ako ang pangit pangit ko? as in mas pangit than usual? *green-eyed monster of jealousy enters scene*

countdown til ILC: 7 days.ü i'm sooo excited!ü
kitten posted @ 9:13 AM |