Like every year, I am at a loss for words about the year that has been. It has been a very good year. I had suffered a lot, as always, but I had learned a lot from it.

This year, I had opened new doors for myself spiritually. I'm not where I want to be yet, but this year has taken me from godless to otherwise thanks to my experiences, a lot of reading, and the people I have met. Let's leave it at that. :)

Also this year, I went back to school. It has been great! Not only has my brain received its long-denied stimuli, but I had learned a great deal about myself, especially as an aspiring writer. I also have had the pleasure of being blessed with the most unconventional but AMAZING professors who have shared their knowledge and wisdom the best they can.

I am proud to say that I had managed to live a pretty healthy life, even if it has happened mostly in the last few months of the year. I had cut back smoking a great deal, I went back to doing yoga, and I have been sleeping better. I have switched from coffee to tea although I still appreciate espresso on my really bad days.

This year I had fallen in and out of love a lot of times. Ha. Well, what is life without love? :)

I think the best part about this year is that I got to live a bohemian life. Music and literature have always been important parts of my life, but this year they were more so. In music, I had learned that listening is just as fun as performing. As for literature, I had learned that writing is probably more fruitful than reading. I have been as unconventional as usual, but I guess I had been so with more confidence that it was what I wanted.

Last year for my year-end entry, I made a toast to living for the moment. This year, I make a toast for the future:

May the next year bring with it the strength to do what we must, the courage to do what we want, and the perseverance needed for us to keep trying.

Have a great year, everybody.

Labels: thoughts

kitten posted @ 8:19 AM |



A. I'm nervous.
B. I'm angry.
C. I'm frustrated.
D. All of the above.

---------------
One of the things that have got me really worked up today is the fact that my flash player and playlist do not wish to cooperate. Now, I know I haven't been working on it that long, kagabi lang naman. But still, I'm tired, and all I want is to put music in my site so you guys can listen to some of my favorite tracks while you're reading entries from yours truly. BUT NO. So you guys are stuck with this stupid darkplayer for now. I tried to make it a little cheery by matching the player with the bg but I think it just made it worse. *gags* And then there's browser compatibility issues with this thing. Sixty-eight percent of my visitors are IE users, but twenty-six percent have Firefox, five percent have Safari and the remaining refuse to let me know what browser they're using. But no matter. This player shouldn't be up there for too long... I hope. *gulp*

NTS: Will be here in the States for two years in Feb. Happy? Er. No answer?

Labels: nonsense

kitten posted @ 9:47 PM |



by Copeland

May I have this dance?
Saw you sitting lonely, I hoped you would say "Yes"
May I have this dance?
Look into my eyes as I offer you my hand, my hand

Dance forever...

Stretch out my hand
To dance with your inviting, warmth-providing hand
And I'll stand up; Facing me, embracing me
Intimate companion for a dance

Dance forever...
Dance forever!

When we dance, I'll whisper nothing in your ear
Speak in words you'd never hear
This, my love, it will not stop or start
And, you know that in your heart
You know that in your heart...

You lift your hands to me!
You lift your hands to me, and hold me so close!
We will dance forever!
We will dance forever!
We will dance forever!

----------------
Reconstructing my flash player. It should be up in a few days time. Yay, you'll be able to my hear the new sound tracks of my life. And you will surely notice how happy the music is now. :)

Labels: thoughts

kitten posted @ 6:41 PM |



[written yesterday]

I went to mass today, like I promised Jayar I would. It wasn't that bad, except after communion, I was kneeling and I was composing myself before prayer when the person in front suddenly said "Let us pray." That basically signalled us to stand. In short, I didn't get to pray.

Now, all I want to know is what I would have said had I the chance to pray..

"God, I'd wish for everything that is good, but you always give me the opposite so I guess I'm not praying for that."

"God, what do you want from me?"

"God, can you hear me now? What about now? What about now? What about now? You're *static* -ing *static* -ack when *static* time. *static* "

Sabi nung friend ko, "Sinabi niya na magpunta ka ng mass, nagpunta ka naman. How can someone twenty-five thousand miles away have that effect on you?" That's an excellent question. And it's one that I don't have an answer for...

---------------
I can't tell you how happy I am right now. My Zen has been acting up since Saturday night and it hasn't been easy on me and on my mom since her Zen was acting up too. Although the players charge when plugged into the computer, the computer fails to detect the hardware, so we couldn't load new files into the players. (And the new Copeland album is just dying to be played through my Zen. Plus, I can't work on my knitting without my tunes and all that I want to listen to now is Copeland so. Waaah.) I had tried every trick I know to get the computer to cooperate with the Zens and vice versa, still nada. I ended up contacting Creative Labs.

I have been super worried because my Zen is almost a year old (Buyday is on January 6) and that's like ten years tech-wise. Good thing Creative is so amazing that they helped me resolve the issues via email. Yay. :) Thanks Creative Labs. I love you guys. You're so much better than Apple.

Archived all my fall semester materials, rearranged my closet and library today. *woot woot* And my Zen is still alive! Yay. :) In the words of U2,

"It's a beautiful day..."

---------------
While I was rearranging my books, I came across The Purpose Driven Life that my best friend gave me. I haven't read it in a long time, primarily because I have left the Christian life behind. Since I seek to rediscover the Christian faith, I thought, What the heck? and read the reading for the first day.

It was hard for me to finish reading it. At almost every line, I found myself scoffing or rolling my eyes or something to that effect. I'm partly ashamed and partly disappointed that this had been my reaction. I have been hoping for a miracle. (Just because I'm not Christian doesn't mean I don't believe in miracles.)
And it seems that it's a long, long shot.

I'm keeping the PDL by my bed and hoping that the next time I open it, my miracle would finally happen.

---------------
OMG.

OMG. Ang gwapo ni Lilo. Shet. Walang halong biro. Ang gwapo niya. What with the Macbook, the electric guitar and the rolled-up long sleeves. Shet.

Yun lang.

Labels: religion, stories

kitten posted @ 5:55 PM |



*enter emo music*

Shet. Ang saya ng Christmas ko. Shet.

Okay. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko tinawagan si Jayar, pero tinawagan ko siya out of nowhere. Tapos... All the world stopped. Yun yun eh. Yung mundo tumigil and for an hour it was just him and me.

Miss na daw niya ako. Yehey. Tapos sabi niya sa'kin "Hoy, magsimba ka. Ayaw ko yang mga pinagsasabi mo. Hindi ako natutuwa." So sabi ko naman "Sige na, sige na. Magsisimba ako bukas, Christmas Day, para sa'yo." Tapos sabi niya "Wag para sa'kin. Para sa kaniya." O diba. Ang drama. Tska, concerned ang mokong! Wala lang.

Tapos, ayun, ayun, nakausap ko si Kuya DJ tapos sabi ba naman "Oh, ano ba meron sa inyo ni utol?" Yun. Yun ang tanong. Haha. Well, siyempre, showbiz kaya ang sagot ko "Wala. Nag-uusap lang kami." Pero ang panalo yung sagot niya na "Ah, nag-uusap lang kayo gaya ng dati."

Aysus. Muling ibalik ang tamis ng pag-ibig. Joke. Eeeh. Eto lang. Kung kinilig ako dahil yun sa kinilig siya. Kung masaya ako dahil yun sa masaya siya.

Pero sa lahat, eto ang panalo:

PUPUNTA SIYA DITO SA APRIL.

Haaay. Ang saya. Natutuwa ako. Masayang-masaya ako. Kahit na three-digit siguro yung bill ko next month. Wala akong pakialam. Haaay. Masaya ako kasi sabi niya tawagan ko daw siya ulit. Tska itext ko daw siya. Wala lang. Mag-iipon muna ako ng pantawag. Hehe. Mahal tumawag sa Pinas eh.

Haaay. Jayar. Pinasaya mo ang Pasko ko. SALAMAT.

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 5:44 PM |



Blogging this early in the morning when I should be getting ready for work... Tsk tsk tsk. *sigh* So what's on today's adgenda?

Well, I miss him. I saw his picture today while I was cleaning up my files (They either get archived or trashed.). I forgot I had it there. And it has been such a long time since I talked to him, and it's for reasons I would rather not disclose. But seeing his picture made me realize how much, I guess, I still love like feel something for him.

If you're reading this, call me. If you're not sure if this is you, call me anyway. I would give anything to hear your voice...

[edit]
:(

*sigh* Pag ako di nakapagpigil, tatawagan ko yung hayup na yun. Siryoso.

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 8:17 AM |



"Chances are you want to write because you are a haunted individual, or a bothered individual, because the world does not sit right with you, or you in it. Chances are you have a deep connection to books because at some point you discovered that they were the one truly safe place to discover and explore feelings that are banished from the dinner table, the cocktail party, the golf foursome, the bridge game. Because the writers who mattered to you have dared to say I am a sick man. And because within the world of books there is no censure. In discovering books, you became free to explore the full range of human motives, desires, secrets, and lies..."
~from Betsy Lerner's The Forest for the Trees

Writing is a very self-indulgent craft. It's like eating - it's generally good for you, but too much of it will make you bitter and ugly. And if I go into writing, it will be because of the reasons Lerner has said. I will write because I do not sit with the world; because somehow I know I am sick, and the people around me are sick and do not know it; because I am, to quote von Sacher-Masoch, suprasensual.

I wish now to write a thousand terrible lines to find the perfect one and plant on it the tree of me.

---------------
In the grand scheme of things, what we think do not matter. But in the grand scheme of things, it does not matter that it does not matter.

Labels: writing

kitten posted @ 12:41 AM |



Today was my last day. I feel...

Dammit. I can't even put my feelings into words.

They were so nice. They made me a card the size of Texas. They all signed it and... *sigh* They got me a cake, which we already ate, haha. And they gave me fuzzy bag. And they gave me stuff from Bath and Body Works. And they made me an honorary Tiger. *heartmelt* And they hugged me, really hugged me. It was so... And they said they want me to come back, that I was welcome to come back, even if it's just to visit.

*cries*

I don't even know why I'm writing this here. You people don't give a shit. Oh wait, this is my blog, I'll write whatever I want.

Tutoring at Snyder has been wonderful. Sure, on some days, I wanted to call out because I was tired or needed to do something else, but whenever I dragged my ass up that building and see the kids, all I can think of is how I love them all. They made me feel... Yeah, they made me feel.

I have been so blessed, so blessed. My coming to Snyder every week was my way of giving all of that back. Now that I've... *cries* Can't. Verbalize.

I want to go back. I've fallen in love with all of them. :(

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 11:38 PM |



First thing: I was criticized (for the nth time) for being "big on math" and "wasting my skills on the humanities." Why, thank you. I know there is a compliment in there somewhere. And you, my dear, are a big idiot, wasting your breath trying to get into the business world when you obviously don't have the math skills for it. Someone's pissed.

Well, you'd be pissed too if your ex used you for last minute Calculus lessons. That, of course, is partly my fault. I should have turned down the invitation Chrissy made to "study together" the moment it was extended. But no, I had to feel responsible for the potential Fs, even if I was well aware that accepting the invite might mean having to study with the ex.

It wouldn't have been so bad, except I had only an hour and a half to teach them everything they needed to know and there were, oi, six of them at the table. Kristhy and her girlfriend, btw, have taken that opportunity to make-out which was not only distracting but also a little disgusting. Manners, people. But that wasn't the worst part. The ex was also all touchy-feely as if I were the Black Nazarene in Quiapo, Manila on the ninth of January. Woohoo. But that still wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that none of them slept the night before (I asked them, to be sure) so they were as good as brain-dead. It was difficult explaining the obvious and going through the basics again and again and again because none of the information made it through their impermeable brains. By the end of the hour and a half, I was quite exhausted that when Chrissy lit her cig, I had to have a puff. Or two. Or three. Or maybe an entire stick. *gasp*

The exam was fairly easy. The thing about Professor Gilman is that she's very considerate. She doesn't expect you to perform mathematical backbends, and even if she did, it would only because she trained you well to do so. There were only two things that irked me. First, I had no idea whatsoever what LaGrange multipliers are so when the twelve-point question appeared, I basically winged it, taking just the partial derivatives of the damn function and that was that. I am projecting for some partial points. Then there was the extra credit question that stumped me-"State and explain the fundamental theorem of Calculus." I wanted to cry right then and there. So much for being big on math. After three months of quasi-extensive calculus, I had no idea what the theorem was, although I'm pretty sure that when I'm asked to apply the friggin' theorem, I'd be able to do so. This is why, my dears, I fail all my classes that require me to memorize stuff. That is also why, my dears, I am not becoming a doctor, a nurse, an accountant, or anything else that would require me to memorize an enormous amount of facts, laws, principles, whatever.

To top things off, I got my period in the middle of the final which meant cramps. And, despite the icy weather, while walking to the train I had managed to work up a sweat which was nothing short of charming. By the time I was in the square, the only thing I had on my mind was Midol, Midol, Midol so I dragged myself to the pharm. Today was my lucky day since today was the day they picked to rearrange all the products and after ten minutes of going through each and every fucking aisle, I still had not found my beloved pills and had, again, managed to sweat. I decided to ask one of the ladies to help me find it and, what do you know, even she couldn't find it. I apologized for interrupting her, and she said it was okay. I then said "It's just that it really, really hurts," which was really none of her business, but I hoped that it would make her speed up the hunt for my pills. She then said, quite lovingly, "I know, dear," and combed through the pain pills again. It was only after she asked someone else that we found my beloved pills. But that wasn't the end of it.

I paid for the Midol, a bottle of water and a canister of mousse I had been meaning to get and walked out of the pharm. While walking I opened the box of pills and got one of the beds out. I tried pushing the pill through foil but it won't go and I, again, was working up a sweat. (God, I hate periods.) The cramps were killing me and my inability to take the pill was making things worse and I was about to throw a fit when I noticed that the bed had a carton thing where the aluminum would be. There was also a note in bold letters that read "Peel here." And peel it I did and then I saw the familiar aluminum, pushed the pill out and took it. I still have the cramps though. Haha. I've taken three pills, btw. Watch me OD on Midol. That would be funny.

Labels: stories

kitten posted @ 10:32 PM |



Joe is a lawyer that works with us at Dunkin every Sunday. He's probably one of the two people I really enjoy talking to (at work, anyway) because he happens to have wit and humor I rarely find in people.

I don't know how it happened, but he and I were talking about the Dalai Lama. He then asked me whether I'm religious. I think I scoffed, I'm not sure, but he laughed and then said "What? You don't subscribe to the baby Jesus?"

"Subscribe?!" I went totally hysterical.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"What? Nobody's ever put it that way for you?" he asked.

"No, I don't think so. I mean, he's not like a magazine or something," I said.

"Sure, he is. But instead of paying dollars, which you do occasionally, you pay with your time and your personal fulfilment. And for all that you get a few good things here and there, but it's mostly crap you wouldn't bother going through. The only problem is that it's harder to end your subscription to the daily Jesus."

The daily Jesus, eh? Absolutely true. Absolutely. Joe's such a genius. Too bad he's thirty-something and married. Haha.

Labels: religion

kitten posted @ 11:02 PM |



If there's one thing that I learned about Nick today, it's that he really loves all his people. To prove it, here's Nick's note that he posted at the stores tonight [took a copy, haha]:

Dear Customers,

My business is going really well, but tonight I'm going to have to close the store. I'm taking my staff out for a night of fun. They are the reason this business keeps going and I owe this to them. I am sorry for any inconvenience this has caused you. There are several other Dunkin Donuts in the area that will remain open for the night, but none of them have my staff.

...

Everybody came home with at least $150 worth of something - Christmas bonus checks, gift certs, tickets to games, tickets to movies, electronics. The food was good, the bar was insane. The man showed his appreciation of his employees, and he showed it good.

People ask me why I stay at Dunkin and it is only now that I learn the answer: Nick loves us, me, and there is just no amount of money or comfort out there that could compensate for that.

It was great. I'll come again next year. Maybe I'll win the flat screen tv then. :)

Labels: nonsense

kitten posted @ 11:36 PM |



First time ko mag-Kundalini yoga kanina. [Hindi ako pumasok sa school para maka-attend nung class. Libre eh. Hehe.] OMG. Ang saya. Ibang-iba nga lang siya sa Power Yoga kaya medyo nagulantang ako sa mga pinaggagawa namin. Pero okay lang. Masaya paren.

Yun nga lang nung naka-invert kami kanina, sinabi nung instructor "This is very good for depression." Natawa ako, as in yung talagang di ko napigilan, kaya, ayun, pinagtinginan ako ng mga tao kasi siguro andun sila kasi depressed sila. Eto pa, dalawang beses niya sinabi yun sa buong sequence, so alam mo yun, dalawang beses ako natawa. Nakakahiya kasi alam mo yun, biglang nanlalambot yung braso ko, natutumba ako, ganyan, tapos nawawala yung katahimikan. Eh kasi. Wag na sabihin sa mga tao na invertions are good for depression. We already know that!

Pero after having tried it, I think Kundalini is not for me. Masaya siya. Alam mo yun, di mo mapipigilan yung sarili mo matuwa sa mga pinaggagawa mo [Di rin maiiwasan mahilo lalo na nung nandun na kami sa last rite [it's not a pose kasi moving eh] kasi paikot-ikot kami sa isang spot, clockwise then counterclockwise, pero okay lang, sabi naman eh "If you feel dizzy or lightheaded, feel free to stop." Ang di ko lang maintindihan eh kung bakit gagawa sila ng rite na nakakahilo. ANYWAY.]. Tsaka very intense yung meditation. Ang ayoko lang talaga ay repetitive siya to the nth level. Alam mo yun, repetitive din naman yung ibang yoga styles, pero eto repetitive infitity.

Pero nag-enjoy ako. Lalo na nung sinasabi "Be healed as you ought to be," tsaka "Project for world peace." Hanep. Wichelles naman ganun sa iba eh. Basta mga lengthen your spine, open your chest, feel the strength of your muscles ever lang. Hmp. Hehe. Nagalit daw ba.

PS I kept thinking na maybe I should get my mom to do Kundalini, kaya lang, alam mo yun, the moment she hears yoga sasabihin nun "Transcendental meditation!" like it's a bad thing. And like prayer isn't transcendental meditation. Grrr.

Labels: yoga

kitten posted @ 12:06 PM |



When I told one of my friends that I was going to the Jets game, her reaction was "Eeek." I understand why. I mean, me in a football game is like drinking lemon-flavored milk - it's not bad but it's not entirely good.

Do you realize how many of the people who watch football games are actually smart? I had thought that the people sitting next to me would be, well, idiots. You know, the typical jock. Boy, was I wrong.

These people store incredible, incredible information in their heads. They know the names of the players and they know who plays what when. They knew which teams had the best and worst defense and offense. Oh, and the rules of the game, they understood it like they made it themselves. If football were a subject in school, these guys would get As. And now that I think about it, football might as well be a subject because to enjoy it you have to understand the science and philosophy behind it, not to mention the extensive history that has brought it to where it is today.

Well, that only goes to show me that nothing is ever what it seems. There you go.

---------------
Today was the last day for Freshman Colloquium [Aw.] and Professor Veysey had treated everybody to pizza, cookies and soda - stuff people eat when they're baked. Haha. Anyway, everybody was around the table when Joseph said "You know, pizza is the most socially awkward food in the world. You gotta touch somebody else's food to get yours. I don't think it gets any more weird than that." Waha.

He also raised a question after Hasan's research was presented today. He said "You said that you had an Asian sample of five. Then you said that fifty-percent of the sample showed signs of discomfort when a person came closer than one meter. Now, I just want to know how that's possible. I mean, how could you get two and a half people?" Waha. Waha. Wahahahaha. When I looked at Professor Veysey, she shrugged her shoulders and said "You gotta hand it to this guy. He really pays attention."

Yeah. I don't care what folks say about people in honors classes. I still think they're nothing short of genius.

I'll miss these lovely little deviants. :(

---------------
My current winter break plans include

• Making a porfolio of all my schoool stuff for this term. [I'm a freak, I know.]
• Rearranging my closet - very important.
• Rearranging my books, maybe even get a new bookcase.
• Trying to learn Spanish again.

God, my life is so boring. Haha.

Not funny.

Labels: nonsense

kitten posted @ 9:07 PM |



I'm exhausted. Every weekend, I tell myself that it will be my last with Dunkin. When I get there I realize how much fun it is to work there and how fun it is to spit in people's coffee how fun it is to work with the people there. And theeeeen, when I get home all I can think of is how my legs are killing me because I've been on my feet for the last twelve hours or so, not to mention that I will have to do the same thing the following day. :( Ah, but whatever.

It is surprisingly hot here in Jersey. Upper thirties are okay except I've stowed away all my cool-n-comfy jammies and the warmth is kinda killing me.

Two more weeks and the fall term will be over. Wow. It's almost sad...

Then again, spring term will rock sooo hard that I can't wait for it to start. Haha. Have you seen my sched? No? Here it is: *sigh* Isn't it loverrrly?

I'm thinking I'm going to minor in Journalism, just for kicks. Haha. I think it will make my resume pretty interesting, yes? No? Fuck off.

*yawn* Coffee's effect is wearing off. Must. Get. Fresh. Cup. *falls asleep*

Labels: nonsense

kitten posted @ 11:23 PM |



Whoa. The past week has been intense! I have been writing left and right and I'm actually a little worn out. I still haven't handed in those papers I was writing, but they've been written and all that's left now is to go through them again, which would I could probably finish by tomorrow.

One thing I want to talk about now is the very "American thing to put thesis statements up front," as Professor Benson had put it. Somehow, I don't see the point of an explicit thesis statement. I think if a writer's good enough, his point will make its way to the reader one way or another. A thesis is only good, I think, when you're starting the outline, and trying to figure out what to write.

Ah, but whatever. I have bigger things to work on. Like my newest tutee at Snyder who speaks very fluent ghetto. Now, we've been over this. The last thing I am is ghetto and this young man comes along and asks help with English. Oi. I had him write, uh, a shall we say, assessment paragraph so that I could see how much work needs to be done and, well, it's going to be a lot. *sigh*

Hm, did the presentation for the colloquium paper today. Yay. Reactions were positive. My favorite was 'Yours was so much better than the other. That was the most boring thing I have ever seen in my life.' Yay. :)

I'm giving learning Spanish another try. Haha. Wish me luck. :)

It's good to be back. :)
kitten posted @ 11:09 PM |