For some reason, some of the music that I listen to are classified under Christian rock. Not that I mind, especially since Christian rock is really good. What I do mind is that listening to some of the songs that actually contain praise make me miss the passionate Christian life.

I wish I could have that innocence back. I wish I could feel the strength of the Supreme Being the way I used to. I wish I could close my eyes, raise my arms in praise and just know that it is all for something.

I would give up everything I have gained for that one thing I have lost.

[Ash Wednesday. Could this be a sign?]

Labels: religion

kitten posted @ 7:33 PM |



I took a test once that showed that I have a moral score of -1, 2 being the highest. I laughed at my score because, well, I do have pretty murky morals. It can actually be said that I have no morals, that I go through my life everyday with what I think is best, not what I think is right.

Which brings me to my next point. Despite the fact that I possess no morals, I am still a very ethical person. The next test I took showed me as an "unofficially ethical" person, which means that despite my lack of certainty about what is right, I still do what is good.

But maybe I don't need to tell you all of that, since you probably already know me from reading all that I've written. So let me just tell you that my great uncle who was in the ICU two days ago is now, in a way, dead. His body has given in and can't work on its own, and my family in SoCal is debating whether he should be taken off life support. It is a difficult question, especially because issues of money will and will always come up. But I think it is even more difficult because neither one of us should judge when a life should end.

When they asked me, I was surprised since I am probably the most morally loose among us. But I told them that he probably shouldn't be taken off life support. I am relieved they didn't ask why because I don't think I can come up with a good explanation.

Before I hung up, my other great uncle told me that we were facing a lot of "trials" right now and that only [the Christian] God can help us now. I was silent, because somehow they failed to see that [the Christian] God was watching them suffer and was doing nothing. My great uncle told me to pray, and I will, just not to the god who failed to come to my rescue when I needed him to.

Labels: religion, thoughts

kitten posted @ 1:53 PM |



I guess I blame this all on hope, the hope that I had about... whatever this is. I have, as always, allowed myself to get carried away. I so desperately believed that despite all the things that have changed, he and I remained the same. I wanted him to be the same man I knew, I wanted to be the same girl he knew, and I wanted to have that friendship so badly I had forgotten... *sigh*

This is why exs should stay exs. This is why you don't call, IM or even think about them...

I guess the reason I'm hurt more than I should be is the fact that I had hoped that he would understand everything without my having to explain. But when I talked to him today, he drove me into a corner and threw punches at me. And I felt something I haven't felt in a while - I felt like I had to defend myself. Oh, I took each and every blow he had for me. I was silent as he spoke. But when he was done, I fought back. I argued. I screamed.

Then he said "Mag-aaway ba talaga tayo?"

I couldn't speak because I was too busy trying to stop myself from crying.

"Umiiyak ka ba? Wag ka umiyak. Sorry."

No, you can't wreck things and just apologize to make it better. That's what I should have said anyway. But I said "Hindi. Hindi ako umiiyak. Tinalikuran ko na yang buhay na yan matagal na. Mauubos lang ang luha mo kakaiyak tapos wala paring mangyayari." Which is the truth, of course. But I never thought, at least not recently, that he would, and even could, make me cry.

I feel so worthless because I want to be a writer, because I choose to stay here in the United States, because I am me. I was so sure he would understand everything.

So much for certainty.

---------------
My great uncle's in the ICU. His wife is starting this simultaneous prayer thing. If I'm not mistaken, they're doing it at 2am EST.

This is probably going to sound cruel, and I'm sure this is not the right time to prove to my family that the Christian god is whack, but I'm thrilled to see what will happen next.

Oh, you guys can pray all you want, but believe me, you can't stop the inevitable. Trust me, I've tried. And that god of yours will just sit there and watch it happen.

Bitter much?

Labels: feelings, religion

kitten posted @ 11:57 PM |



[written yesterday]

I went to mass today, like I promised Jayar I would. It wasn't that bad, except after communion, I was kneeling and I was composing myself before prayer when the person in front suddenly said "Let us pray." That basically signalled us to stand. In short, I didn't get to pray.

Now, all I want to know is what I would have said had I the chance to pray..

"God, I'd wish for everything that is good, but you always give me the opposite so I guess I'm not praying for that."

"God, what do you want from me?"

"God, can you hear me now? What about now? What about now? What about now? You're *static* -ing *static* -ack when *static* time. *static* "

Sabi nung friend ko, "Sinabi niya na magpunta ka ng mass, nagpunta ka naman. How can someone twenty-five thousand miles away have that effect on you?" That's an excellent question. And it's one that I don't have an answer for...

---------------
I can't tell you how happy I am right now. My Zen has been acting up since Saturday night and it hasn't been easy on me and on my mom since her Zen was acting up too. Although the players charge when plugged into the computer, the computer fails to detect the hardware, so we couldn't load new files into the players. (And the new Copeland album is just dying to be played through my Zen. Plus, I can't work on my knitting without my tunes and all that I want to listen to now is Copeland so. Waaah.) I had tried every trick I know to get the computer to cooperate with the Zens and vice versa, still nada. I ended up contacting Creative Labs.

I have been super worried because my Zen is almost a year old (Buyday is on January 6) and that's like ten years tech-wise. Good thing Creative is so amazing that they helped me resolve the issues via email. Yay. :) Thanks Creative Labs. I love you guys. You're so much better than Apple.

Archived all my fall semester materials, rearranged my closet and library today. *woot woot* And my Zen is still alive! Yay. :) In the words of U2,

"It's a beautiful day..."

---------------
While I was rearranging my books, I came across The Purpose Driven Life that my best friend gave me. I haven't read it in a long time, primarily because I have left the Christian life behind. Since I seek to rediscover the Christian faith, I thought, What the heck? and read the reading for the first day.

It was hard for me to finish reading it. At almost every line, I found myself scoffing or rolling my eyes or something to that effect. I'm partly ashamed and partly disappointed that this had been my reaction. I have been hoping for a miracle. (Just because I'm not Christian doesn't mean I don't believe in miracles.)
And it seems that it's a long, long shot.

I'm keeping the PDL by my bed and hoping that the next time I open it, my miracle would finally happen.

---------------
OMG.

OMG. Ang gwapo ni Lilo. Shet. Walang halong biro. Ang gwapo niya. What with the Macbook, the electric guitar and the rolled-up long sleeves. Shet.

Yun lang.

Labels: religion, stories

kitten posted @ 5:55 PM |



Joe is a lawyer that works with us at Dunkin every Sunday. He's probably one of the two people I really enjoy talking to (at work, anyway) because he happens to have wit and humor I rarely find in people.

I don't know how it happened, but he and I were talking about the Dalai Lama. He then asked me whether I'm religious. I think I scoffed, I'm not sure, but he laughed and then said "What? You don't subscribe to the baby Jesus?"

"Subscribe?!" I went totally hysterical.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"What? Nobody's ever put it that way for you?" he asked.

"No, I don't think so. I mean, he's not like a magazine or something," I said.

"Sure, he is. But instead of paying dollars, which you do occasionally, you pay with your time and your personal fulfilment. And for all that you get a few good things here and there, but it's mostly crap you wouldn't bother going through. The only problem is that it's harder to end your subscription to the daily Jesus."

The daily Jesus, eh? Absolutely true. Absolutely. Joe's such a genius. Too bad he's thirty-something and married. Haha.

Labels: religion

kitten posted @ 11:02 PM |