Nick: You know, Kitten? I gotta tell ya. You're one damn good sandwich maker.

Kitten: Really?

Nick: Yeah, really. Not a lot of people could pull off what you're doing here, especially since you only come here on the weekends. You're a good hire. You're a keeper and there's nothing more wonderful in life than to be a keeper.

--

*sigh* Well, if I was seriously considering leaving the franchise, what Nick said made me want to think about it again.

There is nothing more wonderful than being a keeper. No, there is nothing more wonderful than being thought of as a keeper.

Damn ego.

Labels: me

kitten posted @ 8:25 PM |



Unang-una, masakit ang katawan ko. Mahirap maging bago sa isang trabaho. Dahil bago ka, inaasahan ka ng mga taong kumilos ng mabuti at dahil dun, pinababayaan ka na lang nilang magtrabaho. Ikaw pagod, sila hindi. Nakakatawa, pero mas nakakaiyak.

Ayun na nga. Masakit ang katawan ko. Pero higit pa sa sakit ng katawan ko ay ang hindi ko maipaliwanag na kapaguran kong emosyonal. Kaya lang kapag sinabi kong "hindi maipaliwanag na kapagurang emosyonal" para bang ipinalalabas ko na walang kadahilanan ang nararamdaman kong kapaguran, at iyon ay hindi totoo. Ano nga ba ang dahilan kung bakit ako ay pagod na pagod na?

Minsan ko lang sasabihin ito. Marahil ito ay dahil likas lamang akong mapagmataas; kung maiiwasan ay hindi ko sanang nais na mapaalalahanan sa kasaklapan ng aking buhay. Pero para maintindihan niyo kung bakit nagkakaganito ako, eto ang dahilan: Mahirap maging mahirap.

Nakakatawa. Iniwan ng pamilya ko ang Pilipinas para kalimutan ang kahirapang kinalakhan namin at ng aming mga magulang. Tinalikuran namin ang lahat ng aming kinagisnan dahil umaasa kami na giginhawa kami dito sa ibayong dagat. Pero pag dating namin dito, tila yata lalo pa akong naging pamilyar sa kahirapang pilit ng mga magulang kong inilalayo sa akin.

Masaya ako at nakabalik na ako sa paaralan. Sana sa loob ng apat na taon, makatapos na rin ako nang hindi na ako kasali sa mga intindihin ng mga magulang ko. Pero kapag iniisip ko ang mga mangyayari sa loob ng apat na taon na yun, nanghihina ako. Kasi bago ako makatapos, kailangan ko muna ng perang pambayad sa paaralan, kailangan ko muna ng perang pambili ng mga libro, cuaderno at panulat, kailangan ko muna ng pamasahe o pambili ng gas para sa kotse... KAILANGAN KO MUNA NG PERA. Siguro pera ang pinakamalaking usapin dito.

Isipin niyo na lang, isang taon akong nagtrabaho. Nasanay ang pamilya ko na isa ako sa sumusustento sa amin. Ngayong nag-aaral na ako ulit, gusto ko sana na tumigil nang magtrabaho para makapag-aral ako ng mabuti. Kaya lang dahil nakasanayan na namin ang mayroon pang isang taong kumikita sa pamilya namin, nabigla kami nang tumigil ako sa pagtatrabaho. Wala pala kaming pambili ng mga libro ko... Wala pala kaming pera para sa pamasahe o gas. WALA PALA KAMING PERA.

Kaya ba't kahit na pagod na ako sa pagbyahe paroon at parito sa loob ng isang linggo sa paaralan, pilit ko paring binabangon ang katawan kong wala nang ibang nais kung hindi matulog. Kaya ba't kahit na naiinis ako sa mga bago kong kasama sa trabaho, pumapasok parin ako. Wala akong magagawa. Ito ang nakatakda.

Hindi naman ako makareklamo sa mga magulang ko. Alam ko na nahihirapan din sila. Lahat naman kami nahihirapan eh. Kaya lang, siguro hindi pa ako handa sa ganitong klaseng buhay. Ganito pala ang buhay matanda, ano? Mas maraming responsibilidad kaysa kalayaan.

Naiiyak ako. Para sa akin, wala akong ginawa para mangyari sa akin lahat ng ito. Gusto kong takasan na lang ang lahat. Pero hindi naman yun ganun-ganun na lang diba? Sabi nga nung tiya ko, Most problems will work themselves out. Others, you will have to face head on.

Hay buhay alamang: pag lukso'y patay.

---------------
A person can never have absolute priorities, only relative priorities within relative circumstances. :(

Save me. :(

Labels: feelings, stories

kitten posted @ 8:45 PM |



Why are men so fascinated with breasts, huh? It's annoying. A girl can't even wear a nice top without all the guys looking down her shirt. And, god, I wish my boobs could just switch places with my eyes that way when guys talk to me and look at my chest, they'd be looking at my eyes and not my tits.

Guys are such perverts. Today's the last time I'm ever coming to school in a halter.

---------------
In my Calculus class, I always sit next to this girl, but not because I like her. I like her friend. And the girl I sit next to, Chrissy, always sits behind Becca, her friend, so whenever they're talking and she's looking at Chrissy, it's almost like Becca's looking at me. [I'm such a dork, I know. *facepalm*]

ANYWAY, lately people in class have a hard time keeping up. Chrissy's always walking out in class, so I'm really not surprised that she doesn't get the stuff, but Becca sits through the entire lecture, so I don't know why she doesn't get it. Like, in class, I'm practically shouting out the answers to Professor Gilman's questions so that Becca would know that I understand everything and maybe she would ask me to teach her how to do mathematical backflips.

So much for that though. Today, Chrissy asked me to help her. I mean, god, Chrissy? I don't have anything against her, you know, besides the fact that she smells like cigarettes. I just don't like her much. And if I'm going to be meeting anybody next week, skipping lab to be teaching Calculus and all that drama, I'd rather that it was for Becca. I so wanted to say, no SCREAM, I'll teach you but only if Becca comes with you! *chokes* But I'm not ready to be humiliated like that just yet. I'll save it for the midterms. You know, when I let Becca copy my answers. Haha.

---------------
Can you see me going out with a black guy?

*squints*

Labels: stories

kitten posted @ 6:52 PM |



All I ever wanted was for you to say 'I want to be with her.' Deep inside, I know you do.

Candy's words to Phil. *sigh*

In our little situation, there just seems to be no middle ground. Phil and I can't even be friends without him getting into a fight with her.

The fact of the matter is that Phil is as much my friend as he is someone I have romantic interests for. But I'm trying to change the last part; I'm trying to fool myself into believing that between him and me, all that there can ever be is friendship. Of course, there's nothing wrong with friendship. But Candy's making it seem like there is.

Honestly, I want her to forget everything that happened in the last three months. Things have been difficult for the three of us, and we're so much better off without constantly being reminded of that. And God knows that I have always been rooting for her, that I have never wanted anything besides their happiness.

*sigh* I can't even be friends with him. I guess it's back to the psych-drawing board for me.

[I hate it when the rules of math apply to real life. I can't be happy without being sad. The equation always balances itself out.]

---------------
Yesterday, we did peer reviews for our paper. I was (un)fortunate enough to be paired with Hasan. When he was done with my paper and we had nothing else to do I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he didn't know and just knew that he wanted to make a hundred million dollars before he's forty. I asked him if he wanted to be a doctor, he said no and told me that doctors don't make that much. I told him I couldn't think of a better paying job. He said that he doesn't want to be a doctor.

Then an idea popped into my head. You know what you could do, Hasan?

What? he asked.

Be a drug dealer. Surely you'll make a hundred million dollars before you're forty, and I choked back my laughter. I hoped he would get the joke.

But then Dan [who wasn't in any way part of my conversation with Hasan] said What? A drug dealer? And you're supposed to be top ten percent of the state! And he looked at me with utter disgust.

I hate smart people sometimes.

---------------
Tell the people you love that you love them... NOW.

I almost lost Mai today. I'm exaggerating, of course. But... You never know how important someone is to you until you almost lose them...

She was in a car accident. And I'm still scared half to death at the idea that I could have lost one of the few [and I mean few] friends that I have. I don't know how my life is going to be without her.

Tell the people you love that you love them. They have every right to know.

Labels: love, stories

kitten posted @ 1:02 PM |



I don't know if it's just because of me working at Hoboken, but all the anxiety I felt last night has left me.

I took the bus to Hoboken. It was around 7 when I got to the river park and, my god, was it just beautiful down there! I mean, I'm almost always there, but you never know how beautiful a place actually is until it's crowned with a glorious sunrise. I sat down at the park bench, took out my paper's outline and draft, and just basked in the glow. GANDA. SARAP.

At quarter to 8, I got up and started walking to work. Then there was this flock of birds that flew in the pink sky and that sight just left me in awe. I wish I could share this hopeful feeling I have in me. It feels wonderful. :)

*sigh*

Nick didn't give me work until Saturday. Yeheees. I have time to study for lab. And calculus. And I have time to do my papers in Social Control and Deviance, and English. Yeheeey. Oooh, oooh. And I get paid on Tuesday.

My friend was right. Things do work out.

To appreciate the beauty of life, one must stop looking and start seeing.

Labels: feelings, me

kitten posted @ 7:41 PM |



K: Hello?
P: Hey.
K: *recognition* Oh, hey. What do you need?
P: Nothing.
K: Okay. What do you want?
P: Why is it that I must want or need something?
K: I don't know. I just want to know why you're calling and I figured it's either because you want something or need something.
P: Can't I just call because I want to?
K: I guess you can, if you want to.
[talks for half an hour about school and work]
P: ... and I have this essay that's due tomorrow.
K: You better go do it then.
P: What?
K: Your essay. You better get started on it.
P: *forced a laugh* It sounds like you were waiting for me to say something like that.
K: *stunned silent*
P: You didn't even think about it. The moment I said I had to do something, you suggested that we hang up.
K: I just don't want you to stay up too late just because you were on the phone with me.
P: [hint of disbelief in his voice] Sure. Sure. *sighs*
K: *sighs* Okay. Go do your essay.
P: Okay. I'll talk to you again soon.
K: *clicks*

---------------
It's bittersweet. I loved that he called me [before I called him. I was bound to give in to the urge sometime. Haha.] and I loved that he called me just because, and I loved how we talked like nothing ever happened. But I hate that he called me just because and I hate that as much as I want to apologize for what I did and as much as I want to just pour my heart out, I can't. No, I can, if I want to enough. It's more that I shouldn't.

Quiet now, your voice seems miles away
Yet somehow, I hear your song resound
A little bit softer each day,
And for my tired heart, a little bit farther away...
~from Copeland's You Have My Attention

*sigh*

I am better off without the one thing I live for.

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 1:16 PM |





I took a secret and made it my own. Thank you, whoever you are, for writing these words. I'm afraid I will never have the courage to say them myself...

I miss Phil. I really do.

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 12:37 AM |



I think it was Sunday when I told my friend that I felt that something good was going to happen this week. I can't explain why I had that feeling. All that I know is that it was there, and I recognized it.

School has taken over my life. I have very little time to actually sit down and write stuff, even with my handheld. But two calculus tests have gone well. Essay with English Comp went well too. So far, so good, people.

Today while I was on my way to school, I was stuck on the bridge (Terrible, terrible traffic.) and I couldn't help but look at the sky. It was glorious. The lower part of the sky was the lemon yellow and the rest was blue. This happened around, what, 9.30? It was beautiful. It was one of those sights that made you feel light and almost hopeful. I loved that.

Yesterday, Mai and I went to Snyder High to finalize all tutoring plans with Mrs. Castellones. We didn't actually intend on staying, but some of the students heard that we were coming so they showed up at the Tigers' Den and we had a little impromptu tutoring session. All the tutees are nice. I think I'm going to love doing this.

Some of the kids that we'll be tutoring have learning disabilities. I don't take that against them, of course. It's just that they have the hardest time understanding even the easiest of questions like What subjects are you taking this year? This hits home. As you know, one of my brother has Down syndrome.

There was this one kid (I can't remember his name.) who didn't stay longer than five minutes. I honestly didn't get to spend as much time with him as I wanted. But when he left, he gave me a hug. I thought that was really sweet. As Mrs. Castellones has put it, You don't realize how much these kids need you. I think I'm going to enjoy tutoring. :)

*sigh* My final note is this: volunteering to do this shouldn't be thought of as something amazing. I want it to be something people do. I want people to want to help each other and to just care about each other. But the sad fact is that it just doesn't work that way.

In Colloquium class, Professor Veysey asked us what made people behave and misbehave. What is it that make people act the way they do? My answer is this: People act the way they do because of the consequences of those actions. One of the greatest laws of life is causalty - actions and reaction. We choose how to act according to which outcome we would rather deal with.

Ergo:

People don't volunteer to do this because they have nothing to lose if they don't. They don't volunteer either because they don't have anything to gain if they do. So all that this is, really, is a bad, bad show on apathy.

Hate is not the opposite of love. Apathy is the opposite of love.

Labels: me, stories, thoughts

kitten posted @ 11:51 PM |



Okay. *sigh* Heavy stuff coming up. You might want to skip this.

...

Well, I guess I can finally sleep at night. Candy's happy that they're together. Oh, I should have said that they're back together before I said she's happy. Whatever. They're back together. She's happy. I don't know about Phil, but at least one of them is happy.

I said I want them to be happy and I stand by that. What I didn't say was that I would be happy just because one of them is. I could lie but that's pretty pointless.

I feel weak. This is what happens when you are made to choose between your happiness, the happiness of somebody you love and somebody you used to love, and you choose theirs. And it hurts more because I know I hurt somebody in the process and I hurt myself in the end.

I wish it were easy to just say that I don't want him in my life anymore. I wish I could just decide that I'm better off without him, without this feeling he brings into my life, and just move on like I'm supposed to. And the only reason I'm not breaking down right now is because I'm tired of crying. To hell with love, right? *forces a laugh*

And I don't feel any less in love. I feel exactly as I have all these weeks, only the fear of losing him is no longer just fear but certainty. It's the way it has to happen. And I don't want to be his friend, that's just bull. I refuse to settle. I want to love him, the way I always have. I want him to let me love him, the way I always have.

Love. Sometimes, I forget what it means. Sometimes, I associate love to being happy. But then days like this never fail to take me out of the haze. To love is not only to be happy. It is to suffer for that person's happiness. And the real magic is not what the touching of fingers do, or the fireworks that come with each kiss. The magic is that love survives the pain, long after the fireworks have ended.

Amor vincit omnia. Love conquers all things, even pain.

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 11:01 PM |



Well. What? I'm happy. And it's for this unbelievably ridiculous reason. God, I can't believe I have a crush.

I don't get crushes on people. Ew. I usually skip crushing, go straight into falling, and then end up with heartbreaking. Yeah. That's me. But... I'm crushing now. *beams*

So.

His name is Igor (insert Russian last name I can't pronounce). I have him on my Honors English Composition and my Colloquium classes. And... well, I can't say I didn't find him cute the first week. I did. It's just that, I told you, I don't do crushes.

We had this group thing for English a while ago. He was in my group. He saw me doodling and he was like What are you doing? I look up and before I can say anything, I realize what beautiful eyes he has. I smiled and said Nothing. Just drawing stars. And from that moment on, I couldn't help but stare into those eyes whenever he spoke, to me or otherwise.

At Colloquium, I was stealing glances at him. I told you. This is ridiculous. But yeah. I was stealing glances. And then, when I looked up from my writing to steal another glance at him, he was looking right at me.

OMG.

But what's better than your crush realizing that you've just been staring at him for the past half an hour? Oh, I don't know maybe...

Him waving at you.

*beams*

I almost died. It's crazy. Really crazy. But what's even crazier is that I waved back.

*sigh*

Something else in school to look forward to.

---------------
Katy and I were at Robeson a while ago. She suddenly goes Don't you just hate honors' classes?

I looked up from my reading and said No. I like it actually.

Well, I like it too. It's just that a lot of the people who end up in them are snobs, she said.

Um. What was I supposed to say? I'm not a snob, am I? :(

[Igor sure isn't. *wide grin*]

Labels: stories

kitten posted @ 10:16 PM |



by Copeland

Do what you want but I know who you are
Say what you want but I know what you're thinking
Go where you want but I won't be too far
Go where you want and I know where you'll end up

If you fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back,
I'll fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back from you

Do what you want but I know who you are
Say what you want but I know what you're thinking

If you fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back,
I'll fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back from you...

*sigh*

It is true, then, that at the end of everything, all we really have are the what-ifs and the maybes.

Miss ko na si Phil. :(

Labels: love, music

kitten posted @ 3:42 PM |



Everything happens for a reason.

(Long story, little time. Maybe I'll edit this later, I don't know.)

*sigh*

Labels: nonsense

kitten posted @ 10:20 PM |



I came to school today with this awful feeling at the pit of my stomach. It was the same kind of feeling that I get when I'm about to give a speech. It was the same kind of awful anticipation I experience when my parents tell me they have to talk to me. I guess the word I'm looking for is dread.

So I tried to figure out what it was that I was dreading that early in the morning. I was pretty confident I had everything I needed for the day. And I was sure that I wasn't late as I was in fact early. I kept taking deep breaths, trying to relieve myself from that terrible feeling that would not leave me.

It wasn't until I was in Bio class that I realized what it was.

I remember talking to Phil last week about school. I asked him how it was and he replied Tiring. I like it though. It feels like no one is pressuring me anymore. Like it's all on and my own interest to succeed. I was so proud of him then. I really was. What he said was just... so like him.

But what he said doesn't apply to me. It just doesn't. No, the pressure isn't gone. It has increased. And regardless of my (lack of) interest to succeed, people expect me succeed. Why? Because I'm in the honors program. Because I'm allegedly a genius in my craft. Because people picked out a label, stuck into my forehead without asking me whether or not I wanted that label on me.

*inhales deeply*

It was Dr. Hotaling (Oh-teh-ling) that did it. It was her ambivalence. It was her apathy. It was... It was everything she said, it was everything she did, it was everything she was. It was her expectation for all of us to walk away with an A for that class.

It's tough. It's really tough. Especially because back in second year, it was my partner who did the poking and probing of our poor, paralyzed frog; because I have no interest in slicing up roaches to see their silvery whatnots and their yellowy whathaveyous. And I pity my poor little fetal pig because I have to cut her (or him) up just so I could study her (or his) stupid digestive system. Oh gawd. And the sheep's brain! The horror. *sobs*

But it's not just about cutting things open. No. What I'm really worried about is not living up to the expectations of people around me.

So this is what it feels like to be a chick counted before it's hatched.

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 3:26 PM |



To whoever's running the show right now, thanks for another great day.

I picked up my school ID. I am officially a Rutgers student. Haha. The line for it was two miles long, I swear. I stood in that stupid line for forty-five minutes. Haha. But it was worth it. I can go to the lib now (Wi-Fi... Haha.), I can go to gym now, I can basically do whatever students are allowed to do. Yey.

Honors English rocked too. First day: ESSAY. It was fun. As Professor Benson had put it, This isn't just a composition course, otherwise we would have put you with the rest of the students. No. This is a critical thinking, critical reading and critical writing course.

Freshman Colloquium was... different. Professor Veysey was, er, unconventional. But having an unconventional teacher for a social control and deviance class kinda makes sense, doesn't it? Oh, and she's gay. Yeheeey. :)

That's it for now. Loads of homework.

Ooh, before I forget. Met my first Filipino friend outside of my Red Ribbon circle. Her name's Camille. She's in my Freshman Colloquium class. She mentioned something about the Philippines, so I knew she's Filipino then I came up to her and asked her after class. Her first question: Nagta-Tagalog ka? Sagot ko: Oo naman. Sagot niya: Magaling!

Labels: stories

kitten posted @ 4:55 PM |



School
I love school. <3 I'm extremely pleased to be back in school. I mean, sure, the TA for my Bio class speaks little to no English and pronounces AIDS as "ass" but it was still fun. And sure, my Calculus teacher is frail and I can't hear her discuss functions even if I'm seated four rows from the front, and she assigned ten pages worth of assignments. I still love school.

I can't tell you how happy I was to walk along University Avenue, reading the flags that declared that I was at Rutgers. I can't tell you how wonderful the sun felt on my skin as I made my way through class, up to the bookstore and down to student services. It was glorious. It is glorious. I can't wait to do it again tomorrow.

Oh. The Engineering department contacted me today. Apparently my courses aren't fit for the program. Well, duh, that's because I'm not taking engineering! I guess I was listed under engineering, I don't know why, but yeah. Have to deal with that before the week's done.

Love
Lalala. I'm happy. He makes me happy. Sure, he'll make me miserable in about, oh, two minutes from the moment you read this, but he still makes me happy. Very happy. Very, very happy. Even when he does absolutely nothing. :)

Nap
I had to walk to Journal Square (That's where I take the train) because I don't have a bus pass, which shouldn't have been a problem except I didn't have cash on me. I also had to walk back from Rutgers to the train station, again, because I didn't have a buss pass and I didn't have cash.

I otherwise wouldn't have minded walking. I love walking, in fact. Except I've never walked that far with 3 pounds worth of books on my back. I guess that's why I was beat when I got home.

So I took a nap. And what a nap it was! :)

Then I did my Calculus homework. I'm so happy to be back in school, I don't even care that I had so much work to do. Haha.

Ooh, ooh! I want to extend my thanks to Armando or whatshisface. I don't know. But my package from Philippines (It had my Cattleya fillers in it. Haha.) was accidentally delivered to his house. He was sooo nice, he called me on my cellphone to let me know. Unfortunately, I was napping when he called. When I returned his call, I told him I'd pick it up tomorrow after school but he told me he would stop by the house once he's done shopping at Walmart. I was so stunned at the randomness of it all, I couldn't decline. (Good people still roam this earth. Aren't you glad?)

Yey. He dropped it off while my nose was buried in my Calculus textbook. My brother took it. I didn't even get to thank him properly. And I'm sure my brother thought he was just some delivery guy. :( But yes. I want the world to know that Armando or Martino or whatshisface, who lives in 93 Fleet Street, Jersey City, is a wonderdful, wonderful man. Many thanks. :)

Wee. I now have a bus pass, thank God. I won't be as beat tomorrow as I was today. Aaand I only have Honors English and Freshman Colloquium tomorrow and those are the classes that have NO TEXTBOOKS. *sigh*

Thank you for the perfect day. :) Bukas ulit ha?

Labels: feelings, stories

kitten posted @ 9:21 PM |



He called and I picked up. *headdesk*

God help me.

...

P: I asked her about what happened.
K: You did what?!
P: I asked her what she did.
K: OMG. When you ask me and I don't tell you, I don't tell you for a reason.
P: But I wanted to know. You wouldn't tell me.
K: *sighs* So, what did she say?
P: I asked her what she did, and she said she didn't do anything. And then I see her away message.
K: What did it say?
P: Rule number three...
K: *sigh*
P: Then I tell her that you were genuinely hurt.
K: You said what?!
P: I told her that you were genuinely hurt, that you were actually at the verge of tears.
K: *forces a laugh*
P: Then she says I don't give a fuck if she got hurt, and she said it in a black way too.
K: She said that?
P: Yeah. She's actually been saying that a lot.
K: *sighs*
P: And then she screams Way to take her side, and hangs up on me.
K: *sighs* What do you want me to say, Phil?
P: I don't know...

...

We were on the phone for an hour. And we weren't talking. It was uncomfortable, in a way. Almost like we were both sorry that everything was happening the way it was.

*sigh*

I said I wouldn't talk to him but I did. *headdesk* I'm an idiot. But to my credit, he had to call three times before I picked up. Like, I was staring into his landline's number for the longest time, wondering why he was calling me and thinking that I shouldn't pick up. He actually asked me why I didn't pick up, which I thought was funny because I could have been doing something unless he's read my post about me deleting his numbers and shit, which he couldn't have because I've kept this blog secret, from his at least. [My English teachers would weep at that last sentence! Haha. I'm intentionally not editing that because I think it's funny.] But yeah. He asked me if I was doing something, I said no. He asked me if I was just away, I said no, that I was actually just staring into his number. He asked why I didn't pick up, I was quiet then I said I didn't know. Then he asked me why I picked up, and I said it could have been an emergency. He laughed. I didn't think it was funny.

*sigh*

I need self-control. Can I get that online?

---------------
There's just one thing I hope is true - he is taking my side.

Labels: love, thoughts

kitten posted @ 10:31 PM |



My blog is flooded with posts. Thoughts are coming from all over the place and I just have to write each and every one of them down. My acquisition of a handheld has, of course, helped this writing thing further as I can now write whatever I want whenever I want.

So what is it about now?

*sigh*

The inevitable has happened. I should have known better and braced myself for it, for the war that will come, but I have done no such thing. I have been foolish, swept away in this ridiculously fun whateveritisyoucallit. Now that it's here, I crawl back into my hiding place and do what I do best - wallow.

Gin-gatas kagabi, gin-gatas mamaya, gin-gatas bukas.

I woke up today a little feverish, my head throbbing, unclear of what has happened the night before. All I remember was that Candy said Rule number three: Never trust your female friends who are also friends with your boyfriend. She will want to break the both of you up. "Felines" are lining up to get my man. You think I don't know. How pathetic. That message, I think, was what drove me into drinking. That and the fact that I couldn't talk to Phil. I felt so alone.

He asked me what was wrong. I told him nothing was wrong. He said that it couldn't have been nothing because he could hear it in my voice. I asked if it made a difference. He said that it did, because he didn't want to see me hurt and he couldn't bear to hear me cry.

*sigh*

What was I supposed to say? What could I have told him? Nothing. There was nothing to say. No words were enough. So I hung up. Then I started drinking.

I think I went out last night. I think that's why I was feverish when I woke up. I saw my Chucks on the foot of the bed, and I never leave my Chucks lying around. Where I went and why I went there, I could only guess. I'm just thankful that I woke up on my bed. I'm just thankful that I woke up at all.

So what now, my dears? What am I to do?

Well, I've deleted his numbers again. I'm blocking AIM on my computer so as not to be tempted to install it again. And that's all that I can really do for now. That's all that I can really do.

*sigh*

I want him to be happy. I want her to be happy. I want the both of them to be happy regardless of what that might mean for me.

They can get back together, or they can choose to stay apart. It matters very little which they choose, really. My feelings will remain the same either way.

This is the end of my fairy tale. I think it was never a fairy tale. I just believed it to be one, I wanted it to be one. I wanted to live happily ever after with my prince charming... I was foolish.

Love makes us foolish.

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 3:10 PM |



If you think this will be another bashing of the Philippines and Filipinos, please leave my blog. You are not welcome here, nor are your thoughts. If you seek negativity, you will find none here.

Last night, my friend and I were talking about what I'd do if I become president of the Philippines. I have this idea: If I become president of the Philippines, the first thing I'd work on is education. After that, because of all the graduates, I'd work on employment. Then the economy will improve. Then I'll work on agriculture, and then environment (Because the Philippines is a beautiful place.). [Now that I think about it, I need to work on health first because sickly people can't study, hello. ONLY THEN can I work on education, then employment...]

Let me direct you to blogs I frequent. They belong to my friends, Julie Reyes and Pam Quizon. Please take the time to read them. They are fairly short but very moving.

PamQ's entry
Julie's entry

Read them? Good. Now here's what I have to say:

There is hope yet for the Philippines.

I'm sure a lot of us Filipinos have been slapped countless times with our weaknesses - our colonial mentality, our well-renowned procrastination and bahala na - and I'm sure it hurt. But we have to come to terms with those weaknesses and then reconcile with them. Enough with the bashing, please. We must work to overcome our weaknesses, not wallow in them.

There is hope yet for the Philippines.

But Rome wasn't built in a day. Don't be ridiculous. Get your head out of the clouds and look at what's happening right now. It's painstakingly slow, but a revolution, an intellectual uprising, is well on its way. But we must be patient. It will take work, lots and lots of it. Maybe we won't live to see the fruits of our labor, but we must labor just the same, if not for our sake, then for the sake of those who come after us.

There is hope yet for the Philippines.

And ask yourself what you can do to help. Seriously. We complain, and we complain, and we complain some more and that's all that there is to it, right? Wrong. We must all be catalysts in furthering this cause. And what we do doesn't have to be something monumental. It can be a little thing like NOT forwarding hate mail about the Philippines and the Filipinos, or not littering, or learning our history. The little things matter. Take a look around. Take five minutes to look around you, and tell me whether the Philippines can't use every bit of help you can give.

There is hope yet for the Philippines.

And I believe this. With every single ounce of faith I can muster, I believe it. I'm preachy, yes. But only because I know we are capable of doing more, and, for some of us, hating less.

Our country is a work in progress. Two things in the sentence I want to highlight: work and progress. We must work. Only then can we progress. Yes? Yes.

Nothing is certain until the end. So we must hope. We must believe.

I love the Philippines. Do you?

Labels: thoughts

kitten posted @ 8:05 PM |



Phil: *sighs* Tired. Long day of work. But then, no work til Thursday. Yay!
Kitten: Yay!
Phil: What did you do today?
Kitten: I went to mass.
Phil: Hmm. Did you?
Kitten: I did. Phil, are you an active Catholic?
Phil: I like to think so, yes.
Kitten: What time are you working on Sunday?
Phil: Nine to three but I'm trying to change it.
Kitten: Why?
Phil: I'd like open so that I'd have most of the day to myself.
Kitten: Oh. I was going to ask you to hear mass with me.
Phil: You just want to hold my hand. *laughs*
Kitten: That's true. But you're embarrassing me so SHUT UP.
Phil: Cute. *laughs*
Kitten: Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP!!!
Phil: Blushing now, are we? *laughs*
Kitten: You're so unfair sometimes...

Ah, playground love. Is there anything cuter? :)

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 6:50 PM |