She's one of the freshmen I work with at Snyder. Then again, I shouldn't say that I work with her since she doesn't really come in for tutoring. She comes in mostly to talk to me.

She and I happen to love music, which is basically super glue in my world. She, like me, is quite different. I've read her poetry, I've listened to her music and her stories and I can say that at one point, all three of those coincide. I guess you can say that I see a little of myself in her: there is hardly any distinction between my writing, my music and my life. But there's something else about Chelsea that draws me to her. She strikes me, and I say this only because there is no other way to say it, as a deeply disturbed person.

You can say I'm psychoanalyzing her a little too much, that I'm scribbling all of these notes about her when I could be helping her out or something. But the truth is that I don't know where to start. All I know is that when people are deviant, it is because they have lost the concept of the norm. And socialization is the best way to relearn everything.

Professor Veysey said that labeling a person as a deviant never helps. There is a clinical term for Chelsea's condition, but I won't use it, although I am tempted to. I believe that Professor Veysey is right: doing so will only send Chelsea to her doom.

She talks a lot. Half the time, I really have no idea what she's talking about. But I nod, I try to listen and I ask questions. I know it sounds stupid but I believe that people who have different needs don't need to be institutionalized, nor do they need to go through the grieving-seeking help-getting better-relapse process. I think that all Chelsea needs is somebody to talk to. I've said it before and I'll say it again. We all just need somebody to talk to.

Next term is going to be hell, I know it. I really know it. And a part of me is saying Don't be stupid. Quit that tutoring gig. But then a part of me, a really huge part of me is telling me that there are students there who could use my help. Damn superhero complex...

Final thought: Even superheroes have demons.

---------------
Reading Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America by Barbara Ehrenreich has opened my eyes to the harsh reality of life everywhere. American dream, my ass. It doesn't matter where you are. It doesn't matter which continent, which country, which city, which street. Strife is a given.

---------------
Speaking of my eyes, my left eye slash my left eye socket hurts like crazy. Do we have lymph nodes there? Because the ones under my ears are swollen, I'm guessing the ones around the eye area, if there are any, are swelling up too. It would be a convenient explanation and I'd stop fussing about it. Still, I look like somebody beat me up. Then again, I always look like somebody beat me up.

Oooh, and I thought about taking a picture of my face, but I still have some self-respect left so, yeah, NO. Just take my word for it. It looks bad. All it needs is some black and blue.

Labels: me, thoughts

kitten posted @ 9:21 PM |



I really ought to be studying for my Bio lab exam. But how could I possibly concentrate on studying something as... inconsequential as biology when I've just had the best day of my life? Ayun naman pala kasi. I had a great day. Bakit? Because today, I had two moments of transition.

...
Professor Vesey says that in any society, all its members have statuses [the word 'status' not pertaining to a hierarchy]. Those statuses are roles that have expectations and behaviors attached to them. Further, a single person can have a multitude of statuses all at once. A person can be a daughter, a sister, a mom and a teacher, all at once. [Notice how I used 'person' instead of 'girl'. In a generally patriarchal schema, being a girl is also considered a status.] But one of those statuses will be a master status, that is, a status that is of higher regard than the others.

Everything is dynamic, of course, so no one status can ever be permanent. A person can either go from a good status to a better status or a good status to a bad status. When a person changes his status, he has to shed the expectations and behaviors that are attached to it through anticipatory socialization. A person must learn the expectations and behaviors of his anticipated status by taking them on little by little. But a person changes his status not through anticipatory socialization, but through a single moment, where, and people are unaware of this, he is given a new label. That single moment is the moment of transition. [For example, a high school student (status 1) changes status to become a college student (status 2). The moment of transition is graduation.]

...
First moment of transition
I was on my way out of the classroom when this conversation happened.

Professor Benson: Kristina?
Kitten: Yes, professor?
Professor Benson: I really loved that insight you gave in class last week.
Kitten: [confused]
Professor Benson: You don't remember?
Kitten: No. I'm sorry.
Professor Benson: The one on blackbird. You said it was the most important word in the text and related it to the Beatles song and empowerment.
Kitten: Oh, that.
Professor Benson: Yeah. I was overimpressed. I thought that was very good.
Kitten: Thank you. I just have a knack for these things, I guess.
Professor Benson: And you said you wanted to be a writer?
Kitten: Yeah. I mean, I have the heart for it. I just need to acquire the skills.
Professor Benson: Well, are you thinking writing in the market or something in the academe?
Kitten: I'm seriously considering becoming a teacher, actually.
Professor Benson: High school or college level?
Kitten: High school, maybe college. I still don't know. But I know I want to do literature.
Professor Benson: Well, I think you'll have more fun teaching high school. I teach college level literature and, don't get me wrong because it's really fun, we don't get to explore as much of that creativity that you seem to want to tap into. I mean, I could do that in my classes, but not really. And you can take Teacher Certification courses right here at Rutgers.
Kitten: Yeah, I know. I still have time to think about it, though.
Professor Benson: I've been meaning to email you about it. I just haven't found the time.
Kitten: Oh, thanks.
Professor Benson: If you're really thinking about becoming a teacher, then I'm encouraging you. I think you'd be great.
Kitten: Thanks, professor.

Ayun. In a single moment, I became an aspiring teacher.

...
My second moment of transition, I can't write about here coz it was weird.

---------------
Oh, how I love those big, blue, Russian eyes. *melts*

We were in quads for English [making critiques for another quad's work] when Igor suddenly goes Why couldn't have Kitten written this with her MS Word handwriting? I looked up for two reasons: I heard my name and I heard Igor's voice. I looked at Igor and he was beaming at me.

What's the problem, Ig?

I can't read this. I want you to rewrite this, he says.

Gimme, I reply quickly and rewrite the whole thing in under two minutes. All the while, I felt his eyes watching me, and to be honest, I loved every friggin second of it. *melts*

When I walked into Vesey's class, Ig goes Alright, Kitten's in the house, and beams up at me again.

I mean, sure, I hate the phrase "in the house". And, sure, he's a fucking conservative. But, oh my god, those eyes are just lovely. *sigh*

Labels: love, me

kitten posted @ 10:02 PM |



*sigh*

I love the feeling of being up front. I love the feel of the chalk in my fingers. I love the sound of my voice as it echoes through the classroom walls. I love looking through their eyes, and seeing right into their souls. I love making them laugh. I love the way they make me laugh.

I want to be a teacher. Final answer na itu.

Labels: me

kitten posted @ 7:26 PM |



I wore a long-sleeved shirt to tutoring yesterday because I was afraid the kids would see the cuts. Imagine my surprise when Chavere came up to me and said "What happened to your arm?" I remember looking down for a moment, covering my wrists with my sleeve and looking up at Chavere. How will I explain it to her?

---------------
Yesterday, Anita, Joanna and I were talking about how well the tutoring was going, especially with the growing number of students participating in the program. Then Anita suddenly said "Joanna, you will want to keep them until the next term, won't you?" And that was when it hit me.

Well, next term will certainly be a little more demanding, especially with my plans of taking on a little more credits than what I took this term. Then there's the fact that my schedule might change drastically. I really don't know yet. But why do I feel like I've committed myself to them?

Maybe because in my heart, I already have.

Kitten <3 Snyder High School

Labels: me

kitten posted @ 7:11 AM |



I'm more determined to prove that I can write.

---------------
Yesterday, Mai and I were at Snyder. We sat in a circle with Dwight, and I was solving one of his geometry problems when he asked, "Why do you wear your hair in a bun?"

I looked up, cleared my throat and said, "Well, I wear it in a bun because if I don't, my hair is all over my face."

He reached for my bangs fixed it. "Turn your head," he said.

"No," I said.

He grabbed my chin and made me face him. "Oooh," he said.

He then reached behind head and tried to pull off the scrunchie, to no avail of course. [I don't spend an eternity doing my hair just so people can undo it just like that.] So, I thought Why not? and undid my bun.

Dwight then put my headband on me, then patted my head.

Later, Sam came into the room and took Dwight away. When he came back, he stopped at the door and said "I don't understand why you don't wear your hair down. You are more beautiful when you don't wear it up."

Mai and I exchanged looks, then laughed.

---------------
I love Tuesdays and Thursdays with Mai. <3

Yesterday, we grabbed food at Checkers then headed for Lincoln Park to eat there. It was great. We sat at one of the picnic tables even if it was freezing out. Then we went to sit under one of the willows. And, this is the part I love the most, we walked in the rain and went on the swings.

I love being a kid. :)

[Of course, I did get sick from all that rain. I stayed home today because I woke up with a slight fever. It was worth it, though.]

---------------
To say that I love her would be an understatement. What I feel for her is way, way beyond that. And then it hit me... Agape... Self-sacrificing, volitional, unconditional love.

Thank you. You saved me.

Labels: love, me

kitten posted @ 1:04 PM |



You know how some people say that there is probably one thing that changed their lives? Well, I could probably say the same for me. I have never been the same since I moved here to New Jersey. I feel like it broke me. No, it broke all the hopefulness that I have in me. But lately I'm discovering that my life and everybody else's lives change everyday...

Social Control and Deviance was cancelled today so I decided I'd pop into Red Ribbon and say hi to its wonderful people. Haha. Anyway, I was almost at the store when I saw Mark. Um, yeah. Not exactly the person I want to see and I could really do better without the... whatever, attention, I guess. But I wasn't quick enough to avoid him that we walked into each other, or maybe I should say he walked into me. I forced a smile and quickly made my way into the building.

I was in the store *whew* and I thought I was safe until he went into the store too. Damn public places. Seeing as I'm no longer an employee, I can't exactly hide behind the counters. When he came up to me, I had no choice but to acknowledge him and have, oh dear god, a conversation.

I left the store a couple of minutes after five and made my way to the bus stop. When I got there, this lady told me that I just missed the bus. To be nice, I asked her if the bus came five minutes ago and she said that it actually came two minutes before I did. I nodded to end the conversation but she kept talking.

At first she was just telling me about why she missed the bus (She couldn't run after the damn bus because she was in heels.). Then she was telling me what she did at the area (She was getting her nails done.). Then she started telling me that it was her birthday on Wednesday. I wished her a happy birthday to be polite then she started telling me that her birthday won't be happy. Then she start telling me that she's going to break up with her boyfriend. Then she tells me that he's lazy (Sleeps in the day, DOES NOT WORK AT NIGHT.) and that when he takes her out to a club he'd always be looking at other people and that he "plays" rape with her (And before she confided that, I saw the bruises. That kind of thing scares me. I mean, rape fantasies are cool but only if both parties are willing. And for chrissakes, adopt a safe word.). Then she started complaining about how he doesn't do the laundry and how he won't take her out to the park and all that... She just went on and on and on and on... Then the bus came *hooray* and then she said, and I'll always remember this: I'm sorry. I just don't have anyone I can really talk to.

It made me want to cry. When I think about it, I still want to cry. Actually, I'm crying. It's so fucking stupid. God. I'm so stupid. But nobody, nobody should ever have to go through life without at least one person to talk to.

I'm lucky because even if I only have a handful of friends, I could talk to them about anything, without the fear of being judged and with certainty that I will always be understood. And you know what, I don't regret talking to the lady. I'm glad shared her pain, even for just a little bit.

Today I realized that people just need somebody to talk to. Therapy, kung tawagin nila dito. Pero ano ba naman ang therapy kung hindi pag-uusap lang tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay na hindi pa nga mga problema minsan. Alam mo yun, naghahanap lang tayo lahat ng makakausap. Pero yung iba sa atin, di makahanap ng maayos na kaibigan. Masakit pa, wala na nga silang kaibigan, minsan wala pa silang pambayad sa therapy. So as if they weren't alienated enough, they often end up developing self-destructive and alienating coping mechanisms. Nakakalungkot kasi imbis na malampasan nila yung kakulangan nila, lalo pa nila yun nararamdaman, lalo pa sila nasasaktan, lalo pa silang napapalayo sa atin.

I am such a hippy for saying this but everybody deserves to be loved and understood.

be someone's NEW friend today.

Labels: me, thoughts

kitten posted @ 10:05 PM |



*sigh*

Physical pains first, then. My feet hurt, holy shit. Worked from 2pm-11pm last night, went home, slept for like 2 hours, got up at 5.30am, worked from 8 to 6. Yeah. My feet hurt, along will all my other body parts. Especially my hands which, if it interests you, got burned, cut, and squished between toaster doors and register drawers.

Then there's the fact that I still haven't gotten my period. Seven weeks and counting, people, can only result in a very hormonal me. Yep. Hormonaaal.

And I'm sleep deprived, more than ever. I need my sleep. I have essays to write and exams to take. Sleep is good but I haven't had any. Somebody pass me a couple of pills, please.

Today while I was on my way home, all my senses literally shut down. Like, my sight was blurry, music was playing from my Zen but I couldn't exactly hear it, and even the hale-hale's regular putok was unnoticed. The only sense I still had was feeling and I'm sure of that because I certainly felt the excruciating pain from what my mom calls physical overexertion.

*yawns*

Emotional next.

Phil and Candy broke up. God, aren't we all just tired of hearing about these two?! Anyway, you know how I said I'll fix him? Apparently, she found out about what I said, fussed about it AGAIN and Phil just got really, really tired from all the emotional run-arounds and ended it. *sigh*

Sabi ng aking trusted friend, the only reason I'm still affected is because I haven't made up my mind on where I stand on this. That is true, of course. I want the both of them to be happy, but I want to be happy too. I need to be happy too. I deserve to be happy too. But all of this really just boils down to who I think deserves to be happy MORE than the other(s). And, because I am an indecisive jerk, would rather just not pick, lest I be called selfish for picking me and lest I get even more hurt for picking them.

But to be honest, I want to pick me. All that has happened in the last few months lead me to believe that this is worth the fight, if only I was willing enough to actually get into the battle. I am half-certain that we would be happy together. I am sure that if only I had courage enough, all of these hopes would become reality.

I need a couple of valiums.

[p.s. In my heart, I know I always have been and always will be one of the stoner kids. How tragic. That just makes me want to get stoned even more.]

Labels: love, me, nonsense

kitten posted @ 9:15 PM |



Er. Today's the day I tutor Chrissy and I'm not exactly thrilled about it. I am hoping to see Becca, although I'm pretty sure she's not going to be anywhere near me today. *sigh*

You know what? I think I'll ask Chrissy if Becca's seeing anyone. There's just no subtle way to do it, and I think things will be way, waaay awkward after I do it. Waaah. I'll just go ahead and do it. Or not. Whatever. I'll edit this later to let you know if I did.

Labels: me

kitten posted @ 8:17 AM |



Nick: You know, Kitten? I gotta tell ya. You're one damn good sandwich maker.

Kitten: Really?

Nick: Yeah, really. Not a lot of people could pull off what you're doing here, especially since you only come here on the weekends. You're a good hire. You're a keeper and there's nothing more wonderful in life than to be a keeper.

--

*sigh* Well, if I was seriously considering leaving the franchise, what Nick said made me want to think about it again.

There is nothing more wonderful than being a keeper. No, there is nothing more wonderful than being thought of as a keeper.

Damn ego.

Labels: me

kitten posted @ 8:25 PM |



I don't know if it's just because of me working at Hoboken, but all the anxiety I felt last night has left me.

I took the bus to Hoboken. It was around 7 when I got to the river park and, my god, was it just beautiful down there! I mean, I'm almost always there, but you never know how beautiful a place actually is until it's crowned with a glorious sunrise. I sat down at the park bench, took out my paper's outline and draft, and just basked in the glow. GANDA. SARAP.

At quarter to 8, I got up and started walking to work. Then there was this flock of birds that flew in the pink sky and that sight just left me in awe. I wish I could share this hopeful feeling I have in me. It feels wonderful. :)

*sigh*

Nick didn't give me work until Saturday. Yeheees. I have time to study for lab. And calculus. And I have time to do my papers in Social Control and Deviance, and English. Yeheeey. Oooh, oooh. And I get paid on Tuesday.

My friend was right. Things do work out.

To appreciate the beauty of life, one must stop looking and start seeing.

Labels: feelings, me

kitten posted @ 7:41 PM |



I think it was Sunday when I told my friend that I felt that something good was going to happen this week. I can't explain why I had that feeling. All that I know is that it was there, and I recognized it.

School has taken over my life. I have very little time to actually sit down and write stuff, even with my handheld. But two calculus tests have gone well. Essay with English Comp went well too. So far, so good, people.

Today while I was on my way to school, I was stuck on the bridge (Terrible, terrible traffic.) and I couldn't help but look at the sky. It was glorious. The lower part of the sky was the lemon yellow and the rest was blue. This happened around, what, 9.30? It was beautiful. It was one of those sights that made you feel light and almost hopeful. I loved that.

Yesterday, Mai and I went to Snyder High to finalize all tutoring plans with Mrs. Castellones. We didn't actually intend on staying, but some of the students heard that we were coming so they showed up at the Tigers' Den and we had a little impromptu tutoring session. All the tutees are nice. I think I'm going to love doing this.

Some of the kids that we'll be tutoring have learning disabilities. I don't take that against them, of course. It's just that they have the hardest time understanding even the easiest of questions like What subjects are you taking this year? This hits home. As you know, one of my brother has Down syndrome.

There was this one kid (I can't remember his name.) who didn't stay longer than five minutes. I honestly didn't get to spend as much time with him as I wanted. But when he left, he gave me a hug. I thought that was really sweet. As Mrs. Castellones has put it, You don't realize how much these kids need you. I think I'm going to enjoy tutoring. :)

*sigh* My final note is this: volunteering to do this shouldn't be thought of as something amazing. I want it to be something people do. I want people to want to help each other and to just care about each other. But the sad fact is that it just doesn't work that way.

In Colloquium class, Professor Veysey asked us what made people behave and misbehave. What is it that make people act the way they do? My answer is this: People act the way they do because of the consequences of those actions. One of the greatest laws of life is causalty - actions and reaction. We choose how to act according to which outcome we would rather deal with.

Ergo:

People don't volunteer to do this because they have nothing to lose if they don't. They don't volunteer either because they don't have anything to gain if they do. So all that this is, really, is a bad, bad show on apathy.

Hate is not the opposite of love. Apathy is the opposite of love.

Labels: me, stories, thoughts

kitten posted @ 11:51 PM |



Knowing me and the way my life always takes an unbelievable, awful twist at the most inopportune of times, I've had all, all bad luck today. I've never really been superstitious and even after today I'd still dare to walk under ladders and shit. But, yes, today was a life changing day. Or maybe I should say that it was more life changing than any other.

*sigh*

It all started when I asked Phil to get some #8 bags (also known as brown paper bags) from our storage room. When he got back he was on the phone talking and I was about to give him a lecture about how he's not supposed to do that when he's clocked in, but the moment he hung up he was smiling at me and said "I just talked to my eighteen different managers."

My reaction, of course, was "Whaaa?" and I kept thinking to myself He tells me stuff like this like I'm affected. I know. I am a bitch. But anyway, he told me again, slowly this time (as if it made a difference to me): "I just talked to my eighteen different managers."

I raised an eyebrow. Really. I still didn't know what he was talking about. I guess he learned that too because he then said "I called in sick at my other job because Candy said she's stopping by today."

I said okay the way I have been programmed to do so at times when people talk about the things I don't care about. It took me two seconds to realize the immensity of what he just said.

"Wait. Did you just say that Candy's stopping by?" I asked.

"Yup. That's what she said."

Shock, then excitement.

It wasn't until a couple of minutes later, while I was refilling the napkin dispensers, that Phil brought up the Candy thing again. He was telling me that Candy was only going to be in the city for the weekend and blah blah blah. I couldn't listen. My mind was too preoccupied with thoughts of what she would be wearing and what she would say to me, if she would say anything to me at all. Then Phil said "There she is now." like Candy was doing something very natural.

"Hey babe," she said. *sigh* I wish she said those words to me. But she said them to Phil. And they were said while she was running sixty five miles per hour towards Phil.

She wrapped her arms around him and kept squealing. I kept my eyes down. It was like watching my own funeral, for godsakes. I kept refilling the dispensers but then I realized that it was already refilled, that I was breaking the goddamn dispenser. I looked up for one second and I saw *sigh* how lovingly she kissed him.

No, it wasn't one of those I-gotta-have-you-now kiss. It was one of those Sweetie-I-don't-know-how-I-made-it-without-you kind of kiss. And I just... melted.

"Hey Kit," she said next.

"Hey," I said without looking up. I didn't want to see her. I couldn't see her. I... just couldn't.

I put back the dispensers to their spots and walked to back of the store. I stood there for a few minutes. It hit me then that I was breathing heavily. I tried to calm down. I could do this. I kept thinking. But every time I took a step back into the store, I hurriedly took the same step back.

"Where's Kit?"

I could hear her voice from where I was. She was looking for me. It was hilarious. No, not hilarious like that, but hilarious nonetheless. In thirty seconds one of the guys came to get me. And Jen was sprinting fast behind him.

"She's looking for you."

I sighed. Jen hugged me, hugged me tight.

"She's looking for me," I said and started laughing. Jen held me, tried to laugh with me.

"Yes, she's looking for you," she said while stroking my hair.

I remember saying "I can't. Please. I just can't. Just tell her I can't." But what I remember more was the feel of the tears that rolled down my cheeks. They felt different. I wasn't crying because I lost her. I was crying because I could never have her again.

I wiped my tears dry, straightened out my shirt, cleared my throat and walked back into the store.

Oh how she hugged me!

"Hey hun. I have missed thee," she said.

I was savoring every minute of that hug. I wanted to hold her then like it was the last time I would ever hold her.

"I have missed you too," I told her. And that was the truth. I have missed her so very much. And somehow, even if it hurt to see them together, it was still wonderful just to be there to see her.

I let her go and looked at her. I smiled at her. I have forgotten how beautiful she was. It's been such a long time since I last saw her that I've forgotten how lovely she was under the store's light, that her hair's brown slash red slash blond, that she was my pretty goth chick.

"What?" she asked me.

"Nothing. It's just really good to see you."

We stood at the counter, our chins on our arms. I put my head in her arm for a second and said "I've really missed you."

"I know, hun."

And that would have been the perfect moment to hug her again except...

Except Phil wrapped his arms around her waist at that same moment and squeezed her. I was frozen. My god. She wants me to see this. I thought. And she probably did. No. She really did.

Then Phil said "Oooh, boobies." I just wanted to die. The hugging, I can stand. The kissing, I will endure. But groping. Groping is just too much.

Thankfully, Candy had enough sense in her to take his hands away from her body.

"Rutgers, right?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Ha! He didn't get in." she said while pointing at Phil. She was laughing.

"Don't do that. You're so mean!" I said.

"I know, and it's fun" she replied.

Well, at least I'm smart enough to get into Rutgers. I kept thinking. That was my only consolation. I was smarter than he...

At the end of Phil's shift, he clocked out and went to the bathroom to change his clothes. While Candy and I were waiting for him to come back, she flipped through our birthday cake catalog.

"Oooh. I want a Hello Kitty cake for my birthday!" she said.

"Are you serious? You know I'm actually get you one." I told her. She was laughing; she knew that I wasn't kidding either.

"That's true. I better take the time to actually pick one that I like," she said while flipping through the catalog.

"Okay. Here are your choices," she said.

"Oooh, let me get a pen and write it down," I said dryly.

I waited for her to tell me which ones she'd like. Five seconds later I realized that she was actually waiting for me to get a pen to write it down. Well, if I wasn't kidding, I guess she wasn't either. I grabbed a pen.

"You can get me... Either the Hello Kitty cake, the Winnie the Pooh cake but I want Eeyore in there, Lilo and Stitch, or Pokemon," she said while I scribbled all of that down. "Oh, and it would be so great if you could figure out a way to put it all in one cake."

"What are you doing for you birthday, miss?" she then asked me.

"Do you even know when my birthday is?" I asked her. It was a token question. How could she forget when our birthdays were right next to each other. But still...

"Yes. It's on the seventeenth."

"Right. Well, my friends and I are prolly going to hit the beach." I said.

"Oooh, the betch." [That's exactly how she said it.]

"Yes, the betch. What are you doing for yours?"

*points at Phil*

"Right," I said.

I felt betrayed with what Phil did next. He said:

"Uuwi na ako."

"Aaaw!" Candy said. Then she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. She pinched his cheeks and rubbed her nose to his. "You're so cute."

And he was. Except I taught him how to say that. I taught him how to say "Uuwi na ako" and he used it against me. I was enraged.

But then again, not really. I was just sad. Really, really sad.

I said my goodbyes, held her one last time and walked to my little corner at the store and cried...

---------------
"Enslave me."

---------------
No matter how we run from our feelings, our feelings will call us back and we will have no choice but to return... *sigh*

Labels: love, me

kitten posted @ 10:02 PM |



I got my schedule for the fall semester today. Here it is:



Can I just say that Math always ruins my plans? Okay. I wanted to take Math112 (College Algebra), which was aligned with the activities (a.k.a. WORK) that I have planned for myself. However, since I had to take the placement test, it wasn't really my choice which Math class I get into. I was seriously, seriously praying that I screwed up the Math test so I'd end up with Math112. So I come in today and they tell me I'm in Math119 (Basic Calculus). Rawr. That wrecked everything. I had to look up different classes that ran at hours that would fit in my ideal schedule, blah blah blah. In the end, I really had no choice. I'm going to have to come in five days a week.

And then since I'm in Honors College, people wouldn't let me take less than fifteen credits. Weehee. I was only intent on taking twelve. *sigh*

It's a good thing my parents and I have already discussed this work vs. school thing. When it all comes down to it, school is still my number one priority. So if my schedule doesn't work for any employers out there then... whatever! I'm staying home and going on geek mode.

---------------
I feel, more than ever, that I need to get myself a laptop.

NOW ACCEPTING MONETARY CONTRIBUTIONS!!!

Labels: me

kitten posted @ 10:53 PM |



I am yielding. My pursuit has ended, but my love has not.

---------------
Ngayong araw na ito, pumasok ako sa trabaho na isa lang ang nasa isip: Ngayon ang araw na makikilala ko ang dakilang boyfriend ni Candy.

Pag pasok ko ng trabaho, sinabi ko kaagad kay Emilee na meron akong ipapakilala sa kaniya na naghahanap ng trabaho sa tindahan. Tinanong lang niya kung kakilala ko. Sabi ko na lang oo kahit hindi. Sabi kaagad ni Emilee, walang pag-aalinlangan kahit konti, na tanggap na kung sino man yun. Sabi ko na lang, ipapakilala ko muna, tapos saka na lang siya magdecide kung tatanggapin niya or hindi.

Gumagawa ako ng halo-halo noon nang biglang sinabi sa'kin ni Frank na may naghahanap sa'kin. Tinanong ko kung sino. Napahiya pa ako ng ituro niya sa'kin yung isang lalaking nakatayo sa harap nung gawaan ng halo-halo. Tinapos ko yung ginagawa ko kaagad.

Naghugas lang ako ng kamay. Nilapitan ko ang lalaki at tinanong How can I help you? Yun kasi ang nakasanayan ko ng itanong sa mga customer ko. Ang sagot niya sa'kin, di ko malilimutan, I'm Phil.

Natatawa ako kapag naaalala ko. Ang tanga ko. Shet.

Oh. Oh! I'm sorry. Hi, I'm Kitten. sabi ko na lang.

Inabot ko ang kamay ko sa kaniya. Gusto ko sanang makipagkamay. Kinuha naman niya ang kamay ko, kaso nga lang, di ko naibigan yung pagkamay niya sa'kin. It was weak. It was the handshake of a person with very little character.

Ang una kong tanong: Do you have your resumer with you?

Yes, sabi niya, sabay abot ng resume niyang naka tiklop.

Kinainisan ko yun, sa totoo lang. Alam ko retail position lang ang gusto niya, pero sana man lang bigyan niya ng paggalang yung magbabasa ng resume niya. Sana man lang pinanatili niya itong maayos. Pero hindi. Tinupi niya.

Hawak ko ang resume niya sa mga kamay ko at dinadaanan ng mga mata ko yung mga titik, mga salita, pero hindi ko maintindihan yung nakasulat. Hindi magawa ng utak kong bumuo ng diwa sa mga nakita ko kaya tinanong ko na lang siya Are you looking for a full time or part time job?

Well, I am working somewhere else where I'm a barista.

Nang marinig ko ang salitang barista, inisip ko kaagad Starbucks! Hinanap ko sa resume niya. Wala namang Starbucks.

Are you available to work on the weekends?

Yes.

Good. The store's really busy during the weekend and we need as many people as we can to come in then.

Biglang dumaan nun si Mai.

Mai! Mai! Mai! Si Phil. Boyfriend ni Candy.

Oooh. sabi lang ni Mai.

Pagkatapos nun, pinakilala ko na siya kay Emilee. Umupo sila, nagusap ng matagal.

Habang nag-uusap sila, eto ang mga naisip ko:

(1) Gwapo siya.
(2) Matalino siya. Di niya nakalimutang ilagay sa resume niya ang GPA niya and mejo napahiya lang naman ako.
(3) Mabait siya. Mahiyain, pero mabait. Mabait.

Nagulat na lang ako bigla nung mapansin kong wala na sila sa kinauupuan nila! Umuwi na siya? Tapos na ang interview? I guess I got lost in my thoughts for quite a long time.

Salita ng salita si Emilee tungkol sa kaniya. Kesho ganito kesho ganiyan. Hindi pupumasok sa isip ko yung mga sinasabi niya. Ang gusto ko lang malaman ay kung papasok siya sa tindahan. Nung sinabi ni Emilee na bukas ay pagfi-fill up ko si Phil ng hiring paperwork, wala na lang akong nasabi. Magtatrabaho na siya sa tindahan.

Sabi ni Kuya Eric, ang mga tulad ko daw binabaril sa Luneta. Siguro nga. Mas mabuti pa nga sigurong barilin na lang ako sa Luneta ng matapos na ang lahat lahat nang ito.

I hate how I love her. And I hate how, in those few minutes, I knew he loved her too.

Labels: love, me, stories

kitten posted @ 11:32 PM |



Today was a bad, bad day at work. Every single day I find that I despise that place more and more. My boss is a fucking lazy ass of a woman and she terribly needs to put her priorities in order.

I'm not in the mood to go all dickens (New word which, apparently, means short story long) so here's what I'll tell you: She didn't let Mai do a cash-count of her money even though Jen's money came up short; she took out her frustration/anger/menopause-ikaw-ba-yan on poor, sweet Mai.

Mai ang I just shook our heads and forced ourselves to laugh. I gave her a quick hug and told her "We'll laugh about this later," and I know we will. It won't be long until we're lounging on some beach, sippin' pina coladas, talking about how great life finally is after it has been so cruel, too cruel to the both of us. She'll be rich from all her nursing bleh and I'll be... content from teaching. And we'll be happy. Happy.

I can't wait to put this all behind me.

---------------
Do you know that there's such a thing as a Doctor of Theology? I didn't. Apparently it's the equivalent of a Ph.D. in theology. Thanks for the info, mom.

My mom wants me to get a Th.D. Nakakaiyak. Nakakaiyak talaga. It's one of two things: she has no idea I'm not interested in theology or anything and everything that has anything and everything to do with God, religion and faith, or she just doesn't care that my heart's somewhere else. Life is more unbearable than it has to be because of my family.

I don't want to die. I just want to fake my own death.

Labels: me

kitten posted @ 8:13 PM |



Mai got a me new shamrock necklace! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. :) It's the same one from AE! I swear, I've been combing through every and all AEs in the Hudson county area and have not found one, but she did. And I *heart* her for it.

Thanks, Mai. I *heart* you! Mwah.

---------------
I checked my email today, and the first one in my inbox was an email from John Gunkel. The subject was Rutgers Newark Honors College Welcome.

Honors? Nobody said anything about an honors program... Until today.

*beams*

---------------
It was supposed to rain today. The sky was dark and the air was humid, but I guess predicting weather from stuff like that only works in places like the Philippines where the people still believed in the magic and nature.

I was walking on my way home and I stopped to look up at the sky. The clouds looked heavy and the sky was darker than it would normally have been. I kept holding out my hand out into the air, trying to feel if it was drizzling. It wasn't. I kept walking, half-afraid half-certain that the rain would start pouring any minute.

I realize, now, that love is like rain. Love must never be stifled. Otherwise, the world turns grey and the heart becomes heavy. When it finally rains, it will pour, and the person you love will run for cover.

:(

Labels: love, me

kitten posted @ 10:19 PM |



I have this terrible pain somewhere around my back. :(

---------------
You know how after you make food, the smell of the ingredients cling to your fingers? I hate that. No amount of washing can get it off. And I'd be balling my fists right now because of the lemony-soy saucey-black peppery-garlicy smell I have on my hands except...

Mai and I are having a barbeque tomorrow! Yey. It will be so fun. I'm in charge of... mashed potatoes and iced tea. :) Yey. Oooh, and I have the lemony-soy saucey-black peppery-garlicy smell on my hands because I soaked and skewered four (Or was it two? Felt like four. *shrugs*) lovely pounds of meat. Ah yes, the painstaking process of making a good ol' Filipino barbeque. And, because we're cute and we sooo miss the Philippines, we also bought hotdogs (The red and tasty ones, not the brown and salty ones they have here) and we'll get some marshmallows tomorrow and grill those two together. Oh yeah. :)

Then we'll sit on the grass... And we'll sip our iced tea through our bendy straws... And we'll take a walk by the river and just... live. *sigh*

This is my life. Ain't it grand? :)

Labels: me

kitten posted @ 11:08 PM |



You know how I said that today was a good day? Okay. All that talk means nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to the news I am about to break.

I got into Rutgers!!!

Ah. My life makes sense again. *celebratory dance sequence*

I, Kristina Dianne M. Deonaldo, am finally going back to school. I am soon to be a proud freshman in Rutgers University, the state university of New Jersey.

Everything makes sense again. For once, my life just makes perfect friggin sense.



PS Between you and me, my dad was close to tears when he found out. And he kept hugging me. My mom naman couldn't stop telling the people here in the house. It was almost like she got into Rutgers. Everybody else has done their share of celebrating na. :)

Labels: me

kitten posted @ 11:05 PM |



I can't remember the last time I've wanted something this badly.

---------------
I felt my body give last Saturday. It happened after Patrick and I carried a four-layer wedding cake into the customer's car, which, quite conveniently, she parked a block, a long, long, long block from the store.

While Patrick and I were walking back to the store, I was fine considering it was uphill. I was breathing fine and my heartbeat felt strong. But then two minutes after I got into the store, my eyes started to sting and tears started rolling down my cheeks. Then my hands started shaking and I couldn't breathe.

It went away after five minutes. You know. After I practically sobbed myself to death.

Right now my body feels like it's on fire. There's just no other way to explain it.

I'm scared.

My body can't give. Not now. Not when things are starting to look up.

Labels: me

kitten posted @ 8:49 PM |



Important realization of the day:

When I get scabs - and I get them all the time - I peel them off and scratch the "wound" part and I don't stop until I feel that I have a new wound.

I realized this because as I sit typing this entry, I am looking at a small pile of ex-scabs on my computer desk. I am disgusting, I know. But it is because I recognize this as a nasty habit that I trust that I can be saved from myself.

But what's interesting is that this nasty scab-peeling habit does not only apply to my physical wounds. I've lost count on how many times I've laid in my own misery for things that should have long been buried in the past. I find that I can't forgive myself for letting things get out of control, even if they were never in my control to begin with.

I can't let go. I can't leave things alone. I refuse to let time take care of things. That is why my wounds won't heal, and that is why I get new wounds.

I am a scab-peeler.

Are you a scab-peeler too? :(

---------------
They say everything happens for a reason.

You know how Mai's family won $50,000 from the scratch-lottery thing? They didn't need the money then, but they need it now. Her dad got laid off from work. Her mom was diagnosed for osteoporosis. They need to pay the lawyer who took care of her brother's case. (He was killed in a shooting which was sparked by *sigh* a game of pool.)

I held her a while ago as she cried. She seemed so small to me then. And the force that gave them money, the same force that is taking the money away now, seemed larger than the both of us. I held her for a long time, my shirt wet from her tears, my arms aching from the hug I was giving her. I had nothing to say to her except: everything happens for a reason.

It's eerie. Makes you sad and thankful at the same time.

What you don't have, you don't need it now.

For all the things I am not and for all the things I don't have, I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful.

*sigh*

Labels: me, thoughts

kitten posted @ 11:24 PM |