I wish I could trade in all the love I feel in my <3 for some not-so-common sense.

Labels: thoughts

kitten posted @ 7:40 PM |



Everything is great. Life is just grand. Okay, I lied. Life isn't grand. In fact, in more than one respect, life is actually worse than it was six months ago. But this warm and fuzzy feeling that wraps itself around my heart sets a nice glow to everything around me. I'm still convinced that life is grand.

He and I agree that everything about the two of us seems like it was meant to be. Physically, intellectually, emotionally - we are in perfect sync. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I can't remember the last time I was this content.

But tell me why I'm getting this... weird feeling like something's going to go wrong. I don't know what it is. But I can feel it every now and then, like a reminder that life can't be perfect. We can only strive for perfection, not achieve it.

If Andy were reading this he would probably rub my arm and say "You're such a pessimist." Oh, and he's right. I am such a pessimist. I just find it really hard to go along with this perfection. I've just been so used to mediocre, one-way relationships that I'm scared this will turn out to be one too. *sigh*

Spring break this week.

Monday: Liberty Science Center
Tuesday: BODIES Exhibit + Bubba Gump
Wednesday: Firefly + Serenity marathon at my house.
Thursday: [Bike-riding at Libery State Park]
Friday: Shopping @ Willowbrook Mall

Labels: love, thoughts

kitten posted @ 8:18 PM |



Masakit ang katawan ko. Tambak ang trabaho. At mukhang puro B pa yata ang grades ko ngayong term na ito.

Let's jump off a building!

Wait, that's not funny.

Waaah.

Labels: thoughts

kitten posted @ 10:12 PM |



I leaned in closer. He was going to show me a list of universal truths on his iPhone.

"There's no such thing! Knowledge can never be absolute," I said.

"But there are absolute truths. I'll show you."

"There are no such things," I insisted.

And what follows happened so fast that I didn't know what to say. He looked at me, smiled and said "God, you're so beautiful."

Thanks. You make me beautiful. :)

Labels: thoughts

kitten posted @ 9:08 PM |



He took my hand and said, "Look in any direction."

My hands were cold, he could feel them, I knew. "Okay, now what?" I asked.

"Imagine that you can see all the way into infinity," he said.

"Okay."

"That would mean that right now, you're looking at a star." He looked at me, waited for what I would say.

I closed my eyes and said "That is absolutely beautiful."

---------------
He said the last thing I am is harmless.

Where'd that come from?!

Haha. Ha.

Labels: love, thoughts

kitten posted @ 10:24 PM |



I took a test once that showed that I have a moral score of -1, 2 being the highest. I laughed at my score because, well, I do have pretty murky morals. It can actually be said that I have no morals, that I go through my life everyday with what I think is best, not what I think is right.

Which brings me to my next point. Despite the fact that I possess no morals, I am still a very ethical person. The next test I took showed me as an "unofficially ethical" person, which means that despite my lack of certainty about what is right, I still do what is good.

But maybe I don't need to tell you all of that, since you probably already know me from reading all that I've written. So let me just tell you that my great uncle who was in the ICU two days ago is now, in a way, dead. His body has given in and can't work on its own, and my family in SoCal is debating whether he should be taken off life support. It is a difficult question, especially because issues of money will and will always come up. But I think it is even more difficult because neither one of us should judge when a life should end.

When they asked me, I was surprised since I am probably the most morally loose among us. But I told them that he probably shouldn't be taken off life support. I am relieved they didn't ask why because I don't think I can come up with a good explanation.

Before I hung up, my other great uncle told me that we were facing a lot of "trials" right now and that only [the Christian] God can help us now. I was silent, because somehow they failed to see that [the Christian] God was watching them suffer and was doing nothing. My great uncle told me to pray, and I will, just not to the god who failed to come to my rescue when I needed him to.

Labels: religion, thoughts

kitten posted @ 1:53 PM |



Like every year, I am at a loss for words about the year that has been. It has been a very good year. I had suffered a lot, as always, but I had learned a lot from it.

This year, I had opened new doors for myself spiritually. I'm not where I want to be yet, but this year has taken me from godless to otherwise thanks to my experiences, a lot of reading, and the people I have met. Let's leave it at that. :)

Also this year, I went back to school. It has been great! Not only has my brain received its long-denied stimuli, but I had learned a great deal about myself, especially as an aspiring writer. I also have had the pleasure of being blessed with the most unconventional but AMAZING professors who have shared their knowledge and wisdom the best they can.

I am proud to say that I had managed to live a pretty healthy life, even if it has happened mostly in the last few months of the year. I had cut back smoking a great deal, I went back to doing yoga, and I have been sleeping better. I have switched from coffee to tea although I still appreciate espresso on my really bad days.

This year I had fallen in and out of love a lot of times. Ha. Well, what is life without love? :)

I think the best part about this year is that I got to live a bohemian life. Music and literature have always been important parts of my life, but this year they were more so. In music, I had learned that listening is just as fun as performing. As for literature, I had learned that writing is probably more fruitful than reading. I have been as unconventional as usual, but I guess I had been so with more confidence that it was what I wanted.

Last year for my year-end entry, I made a toast to living for the moment. This year, I make a toast for the future:

May the next year bring with it the strength to do what we must, the courage to do what we want, and the perseverance needed for us to keep trying.

Have a great year, everybody.

Labels: thoughts

kitten posted @ 8:19 AM |



by Copeland

May I have this dance?
Saw you sitting lonely, I hoped you would say "Yes"
May I have this dance?
Look into my eyes as I offer you my hand, my hand

Dance forever...

Stretch out my hand
To dance with your inviting, warmth-providing hand
And I'll stand up; Facing me, embracing me
Intimate companion for a dance

Dance forever...
Dance forever!

When we dance, I'll whisper nothing in your ear
Speak in words you'd never hear
This, my love, it will not stop or start
And, you know that in your heart
You know that in your heart...

You lift your hands to me!
You lift your hands to me, and hold me so close!
We will dance forever!
We will dance forever!
We will dance forever!

----------------
Reconstructing my flash player. It should be up in a few days time. Yay, you'll be able to my hear the new sound tracks of my life. And you will surely notice how happy the music is now. :)

Labels: thoughts

kitten posted @ 6:41 PM |



I haven't been successful in starting a healthcare reform movement here at home, but I was certainly able to get half of the house to sit through the entire length of Sicko, and on their own accord! Ha! And they did get the message, despite Moore's awfully exaggerated and/or oversimplified statements. And I'm glad. Because what matters more than the turkey we had today (Wait, we didn't have turkey at all!) is the fact that they've snapped out of their America-is-so-perfect haze... for now. Ah well, there will be more films to show them in the future, yes?

During the movie, my dad told me that back home one of his ex-coworkers had gotten an inner ear operation kind of thing. He didn't go much into the details, I guess because he didn't know them. But the whole point is that my dad's former employer, a fairly competitive bank, paid for the entire thing, THE ENTIRE THING, meds included. He then asked me, "Ibig sabihin mas maganda pa sa Pilipinas?"

I wanted to slap him, laugh at his face then say "Took you this long to realize it?" But then I would have been thrown out in the cold, which is not exactly ideal since temps are dropping below freezing tonight, plus it's Thanksgiving, and we're supposed to be thankful about all the wonderful things that have happened to us in the past year. None of us should be wearing our grudge-badges tonight, even if it's tempting to do so at these family things.

I digress, though. The fact is that the Philippines is still paradise. I still think about our house, with our three coconut trees (Yeah, we had coconut trees. Isn't that great?), with the ivy, with our enormous rocking chairs, with the birds to wake you up in the morning and the crickets to lull you to sleep at night. The racially homogenous communities and the faces that smile through all the hardship life has managed to throw at us have become elements of my wet dreams. *sigh*

There are only two differences between living here in America and living in the Philippines. First, food is cheap here. Almost nobody is hungry. [But don't think that America is poverty-free, because that would be a gross lie. Oh, they have poor people here, and like all poor people they too worry about housing and healthcare and steady employment.] And secondly, nobody is happy here. I think it's because of all the working they do. Nobody has time to enjoy the money they make, that's provded they make enough that they have some left off after taxes and all their expenses.

People wonder why I don't want to be an American, as if the answer wasn't obvious.

So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, if there's one thing I'm thankful for:

I am thankful that I am a Filipino.

Labels: thoughts

kitten posted @ 11:23 PM |



I slept a good part of this day, which is great since I have been more sleep-deprived than usual because of the caffeine that seem to make it into my system by my "sniffing the fumes" during the weekend. But then, I fail to mention why I was so willing to curl up under the sheets in broad daylight: my head was throbbing. It happened while I was reading in the train. I've never before had problems with reading while the train is in motion, and I don't know what to blame it on besides the fact that I think I need new glasses.

I don't wear my glasses because they make me look like a complete dork (not that I'm not one already). And all things considered, my eye sight is pretty good. There are just moments, such as the train incident today, that remind me that my vision isn't as good as I think it is.

When I came home today, my grandma, I think, wanted to spend a few good minutes interacting, but I dismissed her and told her my head was throbbing. She told me the exact same thing I was thinking: I need to get re-prescripted and for now, need to lie down and sleep.

Lovely. Insurance or no insurance, glasses are expensive. And contacts are out of question due to my lax PCS [personal care system]. Bleh.

On other news, when I told one of my friends what happened with Becca yesterday, I got a "That was harsh." Haha. Well, it was harsh, wasn't it? But I can think of a couple of things I would like to tell Becca, if I get the chance, and none of them have anything to do with hate, anger or my personal favorite loneliness. As a matter of fact, I feel that it is now my responsibility to tell her how I really felt about her, if I had failed to make that known in the process, in which case she would have to be incredibly stupid to miss the message. Regardless, the speech would probably go something like: "I really did love you, you know. Even if I never told you, I hope that I had shown you, even in the littlest ways, that I cared for you a lot." or something to that effect, at least.

*sigh*

Among my list of videos to watch over Thanksgiving weekend are Sicko, Fahrenheit 9/11 and An Inconvenient Truth. This means hours of getting my family to please, please, please watch them with me, so that my family won't remain as ignorant indifferent of the world as they currently are. But, as I have been dismissed by these guys a million times even before Michael Moore's films, I know that all I'll get from my coercive efforts are "I have better things to do" or "You watch them if you like them so much." Pfft.

[The title is totally unrelated to the content, I know. Haha.]

Labels: love, thoughts

kitten posted @ 9:46 PM |



The weekend before Thanksgiving is sooo not the weekend when I want to be having weird pains all over my body. My left eye is going on relapse and I look, well, actually, quite the same. But it still doesn't change the fact that I feel like I have a pebble the size of a grape pressing on my left eye. For some reason, my right shoulder is killing me, but then I tend to exaggerate things. I'm still trying to figure out whether it's because of the way I lay down on the bed or whether it's because I haven't had the time to do my yoga lately. [Of course, I use the word "lately" as if I'm only referring to a week's worth inactivity, when in fact it has been... I don't even know anymore.]

[edit]

Okay, let me paste this comment that has been posted on my Friendster.

"hi honey!!;) i missyeuw nah...mxtah na kitten kuh?...;) paramdam ka naman poh...;) col mo ko sa house...i still have the same one...;) missyeuw babe..;) yngat!;) muahy!;) "

Now... First reaction: WTF?! This comment is from my, uh, ex who I haven't seen or talked to since my first year in high school.

Second reaction: I dated this girl?! :( Oh god, I honestly want to cry. I mean seriously. I missyeuw nah... Holymotheroffriggingawd. I can't believe I dated her! All the intricacies of the English language has been lost on her. Missyeuw babe... Hayup. I'm sorry. I just can't imagine having dated someone who seems to have the depth of a wading pool.

Third reaction: She's asking me to call her as if doing so won't cost me money. It's one of two things, then. Either she thinks I can actually afford to call her or she has no idea that I'm now in Jersey City. OMG, is it possible that I dated somebody else with the same name? [As far as I know, though, she's the only one in this earth with the name... Sorry, name withheld. Kawawa naman eh.] Because, OMG, if this is my idea of a person I can be with, I need to do some serious soul searching. Oh, oh, oh. I also have lost her number. Haha.

Final reaction: What does she want? No, what do all my exs want, huh? Why can't they just leave me the fuck in peace so I can go about my daily life? I mean, can't a person burn bridges anymore, huh? *deep breath* Sorry. Just hate it when my exs contact me. *deep breath*

--------------
Becca asked me whether I think I'm a religious person. I laughed and told her that I'm spiritual but not religious. She looked at me funny, then asked "What the hell does that mean?" Haha. Isn't she cute? :)

I told her that I believe in a god. I believe that there is something bigger than me out there, although I can't say what or who. I told her that I believe in transcendence. Then I told her that I can't say I believe in Christ or Allah and all those other deity. (Although, if given the freedom, I'd probably worship Odin coz he's really cool.) I'm spiritual, like, I respect life and value good deeds and all those other hippie shit.

Then she grabbed the earphone pendant (Made it myself, btw.) I was wearing around my neck and said "Why do you wear this?"

"Well," I began. "Music is my religion."

She laughed then said "You're so weird. Seriously."

So I told her "You're finally catching on."

Then she was quiet. Uh, yikes?

Labels: love, thoughts

kitten posted @ 9:37 PM |



They do. Mine tastes like, uh, paper that's been soaked in nutmeg and cinnamon. Yeah. So it basically tastes like wet cinn-meg cardboard. Oh yeah. Nevertheless, this is the only meal I will be having for the day so... *eats*

Ew.

---------------
Whenever I tell stories like the one I am about to tell you, I feel that the reaction I will get from people is "That's rich coming from someone who doesn't believe in God." And I can't really blame anyone for thinking that since I do happen to display a certain amount of aetheism. But what I have come to understand, and this I do not bother to explain to other people, is that there is something bigger out there. I don't know what or who it is. I just know that nothing is ever in my control.

I woke up late today, *tsk tsk* super late that I didn't even get to make myself a cup of coffee. As a result, I was dozing off on the train to school. Now, there's a certain plane of consciousness where you are neither asleep nor awake, where your mind continues to work but your body does not, and I guess I went into that a while ago. But as far as I was concerned, I "knew" I was awake.

Apparently, I wasn't awake because I felt a hand shake me awake. I opened my eyes and saw this Indian girl. I would have missed my stop (well, not really, since my stop is the last one. But then I would have ended up in the place where trains go after they reach the last stop and I have no intention of finding out where that is. Haha.). But divine providence, my dears! Divine providence.

Go ahead, start telling me that I have no right to talk about divine providence. All I know is that there is something or someone out there that will always be looking out for me. And I am thankful.

Labels: thoughts

kitten posted @ 12:35 PM |



She's one of the freshmen I work with at Snyder. Then again, I shouldn't say that I work with her since she doesn't really come in for tutoring. She comes in mostly to talk to me.

She and I happen to love music, which is basically super glue in my world. She, like me, is quite different. I've read her poetry, I've listened to her music and her stories and I can say that at one point, all three of those coincide. I guess you can say that I see a little of myself in her: there is hardly any distinction between my writing, my music and my life. But there's something else about Chelsea that draws me to her. She strikes me, and I say this only because there is no other way to say it, as a deeply disturbed person.

You can say I'm psychoanalyzing her a little too much, that I'm scribbling all of these notes about her when I could be helping her out or something. But the truth is that I don't know where to start. All I know is that when people are deviant, it is because they have lost the concept of the norm. And socialization is the best way to relearn everything.

Professor Veysey said that labeling a person as a deviant never helps. There is a clinical term for Chelsea's condition, but I won't use it, although I am tempted to. I believe that Professor Veysey is right: doing so will only send Chelsea to her doom.

She talks a lot. Half the time, I really have no idea what she's talking about. But I nod, I try to listen and I ask questions. I know it sounds stupid but I believe that people who have different needs don't need to be institutionalized, nor do they need to go through the grieving-seeking help-getting better-relapse process. I think that all Chelsea needs is somebody to talk to. I've said it before and I'll say it again. We all just need somebody to talk to.

Next term is going to be hell, I know it. I really know it. And a part of me is saying Don't be stupid. Quit that tutoring gig. But then a part of me, a really huge part of me is telling me that there are students there who could use my help. Damn superhero complex...

Final thought: Even superheroes have demons.

---------------
Reading Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America by Barbara Ehrenreich has opened my eyes to the harsh reality of life everywhere. American dream, my ass. It doesn't matter where you are. It doesn't matter which continent, which country, which city, which street. Strife is a given.

---------------
Speaking of my eyes, my left eye slash my left eye socket hurts like crazy. Do we have lymph nodes there? Because the ones under my ears are swollen, I'm guessing the ones around the eye area, if there are any, are swelling up too. It would be a convenient explanation and I'd stop fussing about it. Still, I look like somebody beat me up. Then again, I always look like somebody beat me up.

Oooh, and I thought about taking a picture of my face, but I still have some self-respect left so, yeah, NO. Just take my word for it. It looks bad. All it needs is some black and blue.

Labels: me, thoughts

kitten posted @ 9:21 PM |



I stood near the end of the line for the bus as I waited for everybody else to board. I looked around and saw that there were only a handful of us still waiting to get on. The [no-so-old] man standing in front of me signalled me to go on before he did. I smiled then shook my head. He smiled then said something, but I didn't catch it because my Zen [as usual] was playing really loud. I pulled one earphone out and asked "What?"

He said "Age before beauty, right?"

I managed to force a laugh and then I said, "No, it's not that. I live pretty close by so I don't really need to get a seat."

The truth is that I was pretty embarassed by what he said. Age before beauty. Had it been a younger man, I would have gladly stepped in front of him and said thank you. But it wasn't a young man. It was an old man. I am so ashamed because I forgot, for a second there, that he wasn't just an old person. He was a man too, whose manliness depended on showing off his chivalry to young'uns like me. After all, there are other qualities that define manliness besides brute strength even after brute strength is gone.

Chivalry is not dead
But it hangs by a thread.

I didn't mean for that to rhyme. But whatever. It works. :)

---------------
I learned a new word today: Facefucked. Hm, it's a good word. It means "stalked at Facebook." I love talking to Igor. It's always a learning experience.

Sure, let that be the reason why I love talking to him.

Labels: feelings, thoughts

kitten posted @ 7:15 PM |



I'm a firm believer that people come into our lives for specific reasons.

I've realized that Jayar's back in my life because it is my karma. It sounds utterly ridiculous writing about it, but he's back in my life to bring me back to God, just as I brought him back to God. It hit me while I was reading his last two emails.

It's almost cruel, you know, that the once aetheist boy I knew will be the same one teaching me about God's omnipotence and omnipresence. And he seemed so surprised to hear me say that I'm now a non-believer. To be honest, had it been anybody else, I would have lied about it, told them I'm still the YFC-going, God-is-so-going-to-help-me-through-my-problems, 100-percent-pure [Of course, I use the term pure loosely.] girl that I was two years ago. But I know he would understand me, and would never take anything like that against me, so I was compelled to tell him the truth, and he did understand.

But now that I've admitted to going astray, he seems to want to bring me back to God. That isn't a bad thing, of course. I won't deny that I miss the overwhelming feeling of knowing that there's someone greater than you, that someone can make things happen for you regardless of the odds. But to know that he's in my life right now only because it is my karma makes me sad.

It is my karma. It is his karma. To all beings, a purpose. We can only receive what we have given.

But you know what? If anybody's going to take me back to God, I'm glad it's him. He's walked the path I walk now. Nobody can lead the lost better than those who have found the way.

Labels: thoughts

kitten posted @ 10:12 PM |



There was a time when I thought you were perfect for me. There was a time when I thought you were perfect for her. Now, I think the only person you're perfect for is yourself.

Until I see the real you, the Phil that I knew and loved, I will keep telling myself that this is just your defenses kicking in. I will take nothing against you - not your words and not your actions. I know that I cannot protect you from the pains of the world, especially the ones that you have inflicted on yourself, and this is just your way of coping. I understand. I will always understand.

I am not your enemy, Phil. I am on your side too. I wish you'd see that. You are hurting me more than you realize.

*cries*

---------------
There are no more words, only a painful realization that it's time to burn bridges.

And the decline begins...

Bye, happy days. Somehow I knew you were too good to last.

Labels: feelings, thoughts

kitten posted @ 11:03 PM |



Even if we all die. Haha.

*sigh* I'm happy. I really am. My life isn't perfect, but certainly is

beautiful

.

All I need now is a beautiful sunset.

Labels: thoughts

kitten posted @ 10:43 PM |



You know how some people say that there is probably one thing that changed their lives? Well, I could probably say the same for me. I have never been the same since I moved here to New Jersey. I feel like it broke me. No, it broke all the hopefulness that I have in me. But lately I'm discovering that my life and everybody else's lives change everyday...

Social Control and Deviance was cancelled today so I decided I'd pop into Red Ribbon and say hi to its wonderful people. Haha. Anyway, I was almost at the store when I saw Mark. Um, yeah. Not exactly the person I want to see and I could really do better without the... whatever, attention, I guess. But I wasn't quick enough to avoid him that we walked into each other, or maybe I should say he walked into me. I forced a smile and quickly made my way into the building.

I was in the store *whew* and I thought I was safe until he went into the store too. Damn public places. Seeing as I'm no longer an employee, I can't exactly hide behind the counters. When he came up to me, I had no choice but to acknowledge him and have, oh dear god, a conversation.

I left the store a couple of minutes after five and made my way to the bus stop. When I got there, this lady told me that I just missed the bus. To be nice, I asked her if the bus came five minutes ago and she said that it actually came two minutes before I did. I nodded to end the conversation but she kept talking.

At first she was just telling me about why she missed the bus (She couldn't run after the damn bus because she was in heels.). Then she was telling me what she did at the area (She was getting her nails done.). Then she started telling me that it was her birthday on Wednesday. I wished her a happy birthday to be polite then she started telling me that her birthday won't be happy. Then she start telling me that she's going to break up with her boyfriend. Then she tells me that he's lazy (Sleeps in the day, DOES NOT WORK AT NIGHT.) and that when he takes her out to a club he'd always be looking at other people and that he "plays" rape with her (And before she confided that, I saw the bruises. That kind of thing scares me. I mean, rape fantasies are cool but only if both parties are willing. And for chrissakes, adopt a safe word.). Then she started complaining about how he doesn't do the laundry and how he won't take her out to the park and all that... She just went on and on and on and on... Then the bus came *hooray* and then she said, and I'll always remember this: I'm sorry. I just don't have anyone I can really talk to.

It made me want to cry. When I think about it, I still want to cry. Actually, I'm crying. It's so fucking stupid. God. I'm so stupid. But nobody, nobody should ever have to go through life without at least one person to talk to.

I'm lucky because even if I only have a handful of friends, I could talk to them about anything, without the fear of being judged and with certainty that I will always be understood. And you know what, I don't regret talking to the lady. I'm glad shared her pain, even for just a little bit.

Today I realized that people just need somebody to talk to. Therapy, kung tawagin nila dito. Pero ano ba naman ang therapy kung hindi pag-uusap lang tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay na hindi pa nga mga problema minsan. Alam mo yun, naghahanap lang tayo lahat ng makakausap. Pero yung iba sa atin, di makahanap ng maayos na kaibigan. Masakit pa, wala na nga silang kaibigan, minsan wala pa silang pambayad sa therapy. So as if they weren't alienated enough, they often end up developing self-destructive and alienating coping mechanisms. Nakakalungkot kasi imbis na malampasan nila yung kakulangan nila, lalo pa nila yun nararamdaman, lalo pa sila nasasaktan, lalo pa silang napapalayo sa atin.

I am such a hippy for saying this but everybody deserves to be loved and understood.

be someone's NEW friend today.

Labels: me, thoughts

kitten posted @ 10:05 PM |



I think it was Sunday when I told my friend that I felt that something good was going to happen this week. I can't explain why I had that feeling. All that I know is that it was there, and I recognized it.

School has taken over my life. I have very little time to actually sit down and write stuff, even with my handheld. But two calculus tests have gone well. Essay with English Comp went well too. So far, so good, people.

Today while I was on my way to school, I was stuck on the bridge (Terrible, terrible traffic.) and I couldn't help but look at the sky. It was glorious. The lower part of the sky was the lemon yellow and the rest was blue. This happened around, what, 9.30? It was beautiful. It was one of those sights that made you feel light and almost hopeful. I loved that.

Yesterday, Mai and I went to Snyder High to finalize all tutoring plans with Mrs. Castellones. We didn't actually intend on staying, but some of the students heard that we were coming so they showed up at the Tigers' Den and we had a little impromptu tutoring session. All the tutees are nice. I think I'm going to love doing this.

Some of the kids that we'll be tutoring have learning disabilities. I don't take that against them, of course. It's just that they have the hardest time understanding even the easiest of questions like What subjects are you taking this year? This hits home. As you know, one of my brother has Down syndrome.

There was this one kid (I can't remember his name.) who didn't stay longer than five minutes. I honestly didn't get to spend as much time with him as I wanted. But when he left, he gave me a hug. I thought that was really sweet. As Mrs. Castellones has put it, You don't realize how much these kids need you. I think I'm going to enjoy tutoring. :)

*sigh* My final note is this: volunteering to do this shouldn't be thought of as something amazing. I want it to be something people do. I want people to want to help each other and to just care about each other. But the sad fact is that it just doesn't work that way.

In Colloquium class, Professor Veysey asked us what made people behave and misbehave. What is it that make people act the way they do? My answer is this: People act the way they do because of the consequences of those actions. One of the greatest laws of life is causalty - actions and reaction. We choose how to act according to which outcome we would rather deal with.

Ergo:

People don't volunteer to do this because they have nothing to lose if they don't. They don't volunteer either because they don't have anything to gain if they do. So all that this is, really, is a bad, bad show on apathy.

Hate is not the opposite of love. Apathy is the opposite of love.

Labels: me, stories, thoughts

kitten posted @ 11:51 PM |



He called and I picked up. *headdesk*

God help me.

...

P: I asked her about what happened.
K: You did what?!
P: I asked her what she did.
K: OMG. When you ask me and I don't tell you, I don't tell you for a reason.
P: But I wanted to know. You wouldn't tell me.
K: *sighs* So, what did she say?
P: I asked her what she did, and she said she didn't do anything. And then I see her away message.
K: What did it say?
P: Rule number three...
K: *sigh*
P: Then I tell her that you were genuinely hurt.
K: You said what?!
P: I told her that you were genuinely hurt, that you were actually at the verge of tears.
K: *forces a laugh*
P: Then she says I don't give a fuck if she got hurt, and she said it in a black way too.
K: She said that?
P: Yeah. She's actually been saying that a lot.
K: *sighs*
P: And then she screams Way to take her side, and hangs up on me.
K: *sighs* What do you want me to say, Phil?
P: I don't know...

...

We were on the phone for an hour. And we weren't talking. It was uncomfortable, in a way. Almost like we were both sorry that everything was happening the way it was.

*sigh*

I said I wouldn't talk to him but I did. *headdesk* I'm an idiot. But to my credit, he had to call three times before I picked up. Like, I was staring into his landline's number for the longest time, wondering why he was calling me and thinking that I shouldn't pick up. He actually asked me why I didn't pick up, which I thought was funny because I could have been doing something unless he's read my post about me deleting his numbers and shit, which he couldn't have because I've kept this blog secret, from his at least. [My English teachers would weep at that last sentence! Haha. I'm intentionally not editing that because I think it's funny.] But yeah. He asked me if I was doing something, I said no. He asked me if I was just away, I said no, that I was actually just staring into his number. He asked why I didn't pick up, I was quiet then I said I didn't know. Then he asked me why I picked up, and I said it could have been an emergency. He laughed. I didn't think it was funny.

*sigh*

I need self-control. Can I get that online?

---------------
There's just one thing I hope is true - he is taking my side.

Labels: love, thoughts

kitten posted @ 10:31 PM |