C+ hurts.

Somebody bake me some brownies... NOW.

[The analogy, I've been told, is to be hurt as many times as possible for

1. not being good,
2. not being good enough,
3. the amusement of other people, and
4. the sake of it.

Because at some point, the passion will burn more than the pain. What a sadistic world we live in.] [I don't know if I like that.] [Up yours, C+.]

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 10:06 PM |



I'm a firm believer that people come into our lives for specific reasons.

I've realized that Jayar's back in my life because it is my karma. It sounds utterly ridiculous writing about it, but he's back in my life to bring me back to God, just as I brought him back to God. It hit me while I was reading his last two emails.

It's almost cruel, you know, that the once aetheist boy I knew will be the same one teaching me about God's omnipotence and omnipresence. And he seemed so surprised to hear me say that I'm now a non-believer. To be honest, had it been anybody else, I would have lied about it, told them I'm still the YFC-going, God-is-so-going-to-help-me-through-my-problems, 100-percent-pure [Of course, I use the term pure loosely.] girl that I was two years ago. But I know he would understand me, and would never take anything like that against me, so I was compelled to tell him the truth, and he did understand.

But now that I've admitted to going astray, he seems to want to bring me back to God. That isn't a bad thing, of course. I won't deny that I miss the overwhelming feeling of knowing that there's someone greater than you, that someone can make things happen for you regardless of the odds. But to know that he's in my life right now only because it is my karma makes me sad.

It is my karma. It is his karma. To all beings, a purpose. We can only receive what we have given.

But you know what? If anybody's going to take me back to God, I'm glad it's him. He's walked the path I walk now. Nobody can lead the lost better than those who have found the way.

Labels: thoughts

kitten posted @ 10:12 PM |



Things that I have [re]learned about Jayar thus far:

• He's moved out of Tita's house.
• He now works as a graphic designer
• According to him, he's more mature.
• He now has no problems whatsoever in referring to god or God or GOD, whatever works for you.
• He still loves bavarian creme donuts. Cute, yes?
• He's still a (hardcore) musician but has gone from bassist to vocalist.

Well, exchanging emails with him has done me little good [or too much bad, depends on how you want to look at it. And don't ask me which one I think is more possitive. I'm not about to get into an argument due to the intricacies of the English language.]. But there's no sense pretending like I don't want him to email me or that I don't look forward to his next message. I mean, I email him back, for chrissakes. That means I want to hear from him again, diba? *facepalm*

The main point here is this: People don't keep in touch just for the sake of keeping in touch. I'm a cynic, I have trust issues, I overthink things... I've heard them all, save it for my first trip to the therapist. I just can't seem to get it out of my head, you know? If I had my way, I'd type up WHAT DO YOU WANT? just to get it over with. Foreplay is only good for sex, people. Tsk, I hate preliminaries.

---------------
I wish people would stop compensating for their inadequacies.

---------------
When my playlist choice goes from Lo-fi to Emo, you know something's up.

Labels: feelings, nonsense

kitten posted @ 8:41 PM |



Pag bigyan niyo na ako, okay. Kung mamimili ako sa mga ex ko kung sino ang pinakasiniryoso ko, yung tipong inimagine ko yung sarili kong tumatanda kasama sila, isa si Jayar sa dalawa. [Uuuy, blind item: Yung isa, pangalan six letters, naguumpisa sa C at dalawang pantig lang ang haba ng pangalan niya. Babae.]

Kaya ba hindi ko maalis sa sarili ko na mangiti ng mabasa ko sa message niya sa'kin na "miss na miss na miss" na niya ako. Nakakapanlambot naman ng puso diba? Kahit sabihin mo pa sa'kin na iba ang ibig niyang sabihin, kahit na sabihin mo pa sa'kin na malayo siya ngayon sa'kin, yun lang nangahas siyang sabihin sa'kin na nangungulila siya para sa'kin ay higit pa sa sapat. Sabi ko nga sa inyo, siniryoso ko siya, kahit na magulo ang mga pangyayari. At si Jayar, si Papa Jayar, hindi ko lang [ex]boyfriend; best friend ko din siya, pwera biro.

To be honest, I don't know how I'm supposed to treat him now. A part of me thinks that it has been too long, just too long, since we've exchanged hellos to even remember how friendship works. And an even greater part of me doesn't even want to remember how that friendship worked because to do so would mean remembering how love grew from that friendship, and I'm not one for opening cans of worms. But then there's this part of me that longs for him, you know? There's a part of me that remembers how wonderful it was to hold hands, to walk at night, to spend entire afternoons together doing nothing, to listen to and make music [My guitar still smells of his perfume.]... He was great, and we were great together. We were polar opposites, but we made it work...

*sigh*

Becca's mad and, surprisingly, I don't care.

Labels: nonsense

kitten posted @ 7:17 PM |



Nagmamadali ako. Kelangan ko na kasi matulog at may pasok pa ako sa trabaho bukas ng super aga. Di naman ako makareklamo kay Nick kasi shempre bago ako... pero ayos lang. Masaya naman sa Hoboken eh.

Minessage ako ng ex ko sa Friendster. Okay. Ang pinaguusapan nating ex ay ang dakilang si Jayar. Potah, nawawala ako sa tama dahil minessage niya ako!!!

Isipin niyo naman, ang tagal-tagal ko na siyang hindi nakakausap. As in totally wala. Kasi, alam mo yun, nag-aaway sila Mimi pag nag-uusap kami so huwag na lang, diba? Tapos di rin maiwasan na mailang kami sa isa't isa kasi, hello, mashadong magulo ang mga pangyayari... at inaamin ko na isa ako sa naging problema.

Anyhoo, nung nakita ko na minessage niya ako, ang first thought sa mind ko ay, BAKIT? Tipong, ANONG KELANGAN NIYA, PERA? Ang sama ko, diba? Pero mahigit kumulang nang dalawang taon ang lumipas mula nang huli ko siyang makasama at makausap ng maayos. Hindi ko maalis sa sarili ko na magtaka.

Nang buksan ko ang message niya, wala namang special. Nangungumusta lang. Hehe. Binati pa nga niya ang picture na nakalagay sa profile ko. So dahil nangungumusta lang siya, lalo akong nagdududa.

Masama na kung masama, pero pagkatapos ko magreply, ang unang-una kong ginawa ay nagpunta ako sa profile niya at tininingnan ang relationship status niya.

SINGLE.

Potah. Laking tuwa ko diba? Kasi ngayong wala na si Mimi sa eksena, magkakausap na kami ulit. Yehey.

Ayun. Wala lang. Sharing.

Naisip ko tuloy... Namiss ko siya.

Copyright infringement na kung copyright infringement, pero eto ang picture niya.

Labels: nonsense

kitten posted @ 12:10 AM |



I stepped into her car.

"Put on your music," she said. I jacked in my player and the music echoed inside her car.

"What the hell is that?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "It's Gregorian chant, idiot. It's one of the most intense music in the world," I said.

"Intense, huh?" She stepped on the gas. The car sped through the highway.

"Oh my god," I said.

"Are you scared?" She was laughing.

"Does it matter if I am?" I asked. She stared into me. "You'll say 'Don't be scared,' and I'll say 'I'm with you; I don't have to be.'" I looked at her. I waited for her to say something.

Then she laughed and said "You're so crazy."

"I know, but then so are you."

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 10:21 PM |



I'm looking for somewhere new to host this thing. [I'm thinking, Livejournal kaya lang... Well. I kinda like Blogger.] I just don't want to have to deal with tranferring the archives and all of that. But recent [And very chilling, might I add] discoveries have proven that it is now necessary to move this thing. Too many unwanted guests. Bakit ba ngayon ko lang chineck ulit yung tracker ko? I mean, kaya nga ako may tracker diba? Para kapag merong mga... Haynaku. Bahala na si Batman.

Tangina.

Dalawa lang yan eh. I'll move or I'll stop blogging. Guess which one I'll choose.

Fuck.

[edit] [edit]
Okay. I've decided. I'll be updating my Livejournal from now on. If you don't know my Livejournal, I have it on one of my links. But it's a 'Friends Only' site so... restricted access, kelangan may Livejournal kayo, kelangan i-add niyo ako as a friend, kelangan i-friend ko kayo and all that drama, my lovelies. Pasensiya na. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Blame the colonizers for my bahala na behavior; I'm sticking to Blogger.

----------------
I bs-ed my Bio lab exam. Major bs. Good luck na lang sa'kin.

On the lighter side of the news, I aced the Bio lecture exam. Oh yeah. *celebratory dance sequence* May matching kindat and pat on the back pa yan from the terrible TA, Ying-Han Chen. Yan, my friends, ang tinatawag na law of compensation. You can't be at the very bottom. Something, often something small, will always have to go right. :)

---------------
[This entry has spanned two days. Haha. Thought I'd let you in on the secret.]

I'm not one to embed videos on my blog. I often find that most videos online are either irrelevant to me or just plain stupid. This one I'm sharing because it's insight into... Insight to... Just see for yourself.

As a Filipino, I share similar views to that expressed on this video. Let's face it: having been repeatedly colonized has definitely impeded our [re]discovery of who we are. To quote Stokely Carmichael, "I do not want to be a part of the American pie. The American pie means raping South Africa, beating Vietnam, beating South America, raping the Philippines, raping every country you've been in." People say I'm lucky to be here and there are times when I believe them. But when I think about my country, I can't help but want to come back.



[When I was in UP and took history under Prof K, he taught me history I otherwise would have never learned. What I want to know is why that history is not the one everybody learns in school. Knowledge is power, diba?]

---------------
My friend said I should start podcasting. Good idea? Bad idea?

Labels: pissed

kitten posted @ 7:52 PM |



I really ought to be studying for my Bio lab exam. But how could I possibly concentrate on studying something as... inconsequential as biology when I've just had the best day of my life? Ayun naman pala kasi. I had a great day. Bakit? Because today, I had two moments of transition.

...
Professor Vesey says that in any society, all its members have statuses [the word 'status' not pertaining to a hierarchy]. Those statuses are roles that have expectations and behaviors attached to them. Further, a single person can have a multitude of statuses all at once. A person can be a daughter, a sister, a mom and a teacher, all at once. [Notice how I used 'person' instead of 'girl'. In a generally patriarchal schema, being a girl is also considered a status.] But one of those statuses will be a master status, that is, a status that is of higher regard than the others.

Everything is dynamic, of course, so no one status can ever be permanent. A person can either go from a good status to a better status or a good status to a bad status. When a person changes his status, he has to shed the expectations and behaviors that are attached to it through anticipatory socialization. A person must learn the expectations and behaviors of his anticipated status by taking them on little by little. But a person changes his status not through anticipatory socialization, but through a single moment, where, and people are unaware of this, he is given a new label. That single moment is the moment of transition. [For example, a high school student (status 1) changes status to become a college student (status 2). The moment of transition is graduation.]

...
First moment of transition
I was on my way out of the classroom when this conversation happened.

Professor Benson: Kristina?
Kitten: Yes, professor?
Professor Benson: I really loved that insight you gave in class last week.
Kitten: [confused]
Professor Benson: You don't remember?
Kitten: No. I'm sorry.
Professor Benson: The one on blackbird. You said it was the most important word in the text and related it to the Beatles song and empowerment.
Kitten: Oh, that.
Professor Benson: Yeah. I was overimpressed. I thought that was very good.
Kitten: Thank you. I just have a knack for these things, I guess.
Professor Benson: And you said you wanted to be a writer?
Kitten: Yeah. I mean, I have the heart for it. I just need to acquire the skills.
Professor Benson: Well, are you thinking writing in the market or something in the academe?
Kitten: I'm seriously considering becoming a teacher, actually.
Professor Benson: High school or college level?
Kitten: High school, maybe college. I still don't know. But I know I want to do literature.
Professor Benson: Well, I think you'll have more fun teaching high school. I teach college level literature and, don't get me wrong because it's really fun, we don't get to explore as much of that creativity that you seem to want to tap into. I mean, I could do that in my classes, but not really. And you can take Teacher Certification courses right here at Rutgers.
Kitten: Yeah, I know. I still have time to think about it, though.
Professor Benson: I've been meaning to email you about it. I just haven't found the time.
Kitten: Oh, thanks.
Professor Benson: If you're really thinking about becoming a teacher, then I'm encouraging you. I think you'd be great.
Kitten: Thanks, professor.

Ayun. In a single moment, I became an aspiring teacher.

...
My second moment of transition, I can't write about here coz it was weird.

---------------
Oh, how I love those big, blue, Russian eyes. *melts*

We were in quads for English [making critiques for another quad's work] when Igor suddenly goes Why couldn't have Kitten written this with her MS Word handwriting? I looked up for two reasons: I heard my name and I heard Igor's voice. I looked at Igor and he was beaming at me.

What's the problem, Ig?

I can't read this. I want you to rewrite this, he says.

Gimme, I reply quickly and rewrite the whole thing in under two minutes. All the while, I felt his eyes watching me, and to be honest, I loved every friggin second of it. *melts*

When I walked into Vesey's class, Ig goes Alright, Kitten's in the house, and beams up at me again.

I mean, sure, I hate the phrase "in the house". And, sure, he's a fucking conservative. But, oh my god, those eyes are just lovely. *sigh*

Labels: love, me

kitten posted @ 10:02 PM |



Fuck.

I said I'd write my English paper. Instead, I'm absorbed by Candace's blog. I'm worried about her. I think she cut herself last night. :(

[These are the times I am reminded of how she is a mirror image of me. The only thing we don't have in common is that she's a slut and I'm not that... Okay, I'm stumped.]

Walked in the rain today. Sweeeeet.

I love Candy. Wait, what? I meant candy that you eat. Yeah. Like chocolate and stuff. Yeah. That's what I meant.

I should get started on that paper...

[edit]

I'm getting myself some new nail polish tomorrow. This sadness is killing me.

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 8:07 PM |



*sigh*

I love the feeling of being up front. I love the feel of the chalk in my fingers. I love the sound of my voice as it echoes through the classroom walls. I love looking through their eyes, and seeing right into their souls. I love making them laugh. I love the way they make me laugh.

I want to be a teacher. Final answer na itu.

Labels: me

kitten posted @ 7:26 PM |



I wore a long-sleeved shirt to tutoring yesterday because I was afraid the kids would see the cuts. Imagine my surprise when Chavere came up to me and said "What happened to your arm?" I remember looking down for a moment, covering my wrists with my sleeve and looking up at Chavere. How will I explain it to her?

---------------
Yesterday, Anita, Joanna and I were talking about how well the tutoring was going, especially with the growing number of students participating in the program. Then Anita suddenly said "Joanna, you will want to keep them until the next term, won't you?" And that was when it hit me.

Well, next term will certainly be a little more demanding, especially with my plans of taking on a little more credits than what I took this term. Then there's the fact that my schedule might change drastically. I really don't know yet. But why do I feel like I've committed myself to them?

Maybe because in my heart, I already have.

Kitten <3 Snyder High School

Labels: me

kitten posted @ 7:11 AM |



There was a time when I thought you were perfect for me. There was a time when I thought you were perfect for her. Now, I think the only person you're perfect for is yourself.

Until I see the real you, the Phil that I knew and loved, I will keep telling myself that this is just your defenses kicking in. I will take nothing against you - not your words and not your actions. I know that I cannot protect you from the pains of the world, especially the ones that you have inflicted on yourself, and this is just your way of coping. I understand. I will always understand.

I am not your enemy, Phil. I am on your side too. I wish you'd see that. You are hurting me more than you realize.

*cries*

---------------
There are no more words, only a painful realization that it's time to burn bridges.

And the decline begins...

Bye, happy days. Somehow I knew you were too good to last.

Labels: feelings, thoughts

kitten posted @ 11:03 PM |



*sigh*

Thank you.

---------------
1: I want to be everything to you.
2: You are... You are.

Labels: nonsense

kitten posted @ 11:03 AM |



I'm more determined to prove that I can write.

---------------
Yesterday, Mai and I were at Snyder. We sat in a circle with Dwight, and I was solving one of his geometry problems when he asked, "Why do you wear your hair in a bun?"

I looked up, cleared my throat and said, "Well, I wear it in a bun because if I don't, my hair is all over my face."

He reached for my bangs fixed it. "Turn your head," he said.

"No," I said.

He grabbed my chin and made me face him. "Oooh," he said.

He then reached behind head and tried to pull off the scrunchie, to no avail of course. [I don't spend an eternity doing my hair just so people can undo it just like that.] So, I thought Why not? and undid my bun.

Dwight then put my headband on me, then patted my head.

Later, Sam came into the room and took Dwight away. When he came back, he stopped at the door and said "I don't understand why you don't wear your hair down. You are more beautiful when you don't wear it up."

Mai and I exchanged looks, then laughed.

---------------
I love Tuesdays and Thursdays with Mai. <3

Yesterday, we grabbed food at Checkers then headed for Lincoln Park to eat there. It was great. We sat at one of the picnic tables even if it was freezing out. Then we went to sit under one of the willows. And, this is the part I love the most, we walked in the rain and went on the swings.

I love being a kid. :)

[Of course, I did get sick from all that rain. I stayed home today because I woke up with a slight fever. It was worth it, though.]

---------------
To say that I love her would be an understatement. What I feel for her is way, way beyond that. And then it hit me... Agape... Self-sacrificing, volitional, unconditional love.

Thank you. You saved me.

Labels: love, me

kitten posted @ 1:04 PM |



Even if we all die. Haha.

*sigh* I'm happy. I really am. My life isn't perfect, but certainly is

beautiful

.

All I need now is a beautiful sunset.

Labels: thoughts

kitten posted @ 10:43 PM |



You know how some people say that there is probably one thing that changed their lives? Well, I could probably say the same for me. I have never been the same since I moved here to New Jersey. I feel like it broke me. No, it broke all the hopefulness that I have in me. But lately I'm discovering that my life and everybody else's lives change everyday...

Social Control and Deviance was cancelled today so I decided I'd pop into Red Ribbon and say hi to its wonderful people. Haha. Anyway, I was almost at the store when I saw Mark. Um, yeah. Not exactly the person I want to see and I could really do better without the... whatever, attention, I guess. But I wasn't quick enough to avoid him that we walked into each other, or maybe I should say he walked into me. I forced a smile and quickly made my way into the building.

I was in the store *whew* and I thought I was safe until he went into the store too. Damn public places. Seeing as I'm no longer an employee, I can't exactly hide behind the counters. When he came up to me, I had no choice but to acknowledge him and have, oh dear god, a conversation.

I left the store a couple of minutes after five and made my way to the bus stop. When I got there, this lady told me that I just missed the bus. To be nice, I asked her if the bus came five minutes ago and she said that it actually came two minutes before I did. I nodded to end the conversation but she kept talking.

At first she was just telling me about why she missed the bus (She couldn't run after the damn bus because she was in heels.). Then she was telling me what she did at the area (She was getting her nails done.). Then she started telling me that it was her birthday on Wednesday. I wished her a happy birthday to be polite then she started telling me that her birthday won't be happy. Then she start telling me that she's going to break up with her boyfriend. Then she tells me that he's lazy (Sleeps in the day, DOES NOT WORK AT NIGHT.) and that when he takes her out to a club he'd always be looking at other people and that he "plays" rape with her (And before she confided that, I saw the bruises. That kind of thing scares me. I mean, rape fantasies are cool but only if both parties are willing. And for chrissakes, adopt a safe word.). Then she started complaining about how he doesn't do the laundry and how he won't take her out to the park and all that... She just went on and on and on and on... Then the bus came *hooray* and then she said, and I'll always remember this: I'm sorry. I just don't have anyone I can really talk to.

It made me want to cry. When I think about it, I still want to cry. Actually, I'm crying. It's so fucking stupid. God. I'm so stupid. But nobody, nobody should ever have to go through life without at least one person to talk to.

I'm lucky because even if I only have a handful of friends, I could talk to them about anything, without the fear of being judged and with certainty that I will always be understood. And you know what, I don't regret talking to the lady. I'm glad shared her pain, even for just a little bit.

Today I realized that people just need somebody to talk to. Therapy, kung tawagin nila dito. Pero ano ba naman ang therapy kung hindi pag-uusap lang tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay na hindi pa nga mga problema minsan. Alam mo yun, naghahanap lang tayo lahat ng makakausap. Pero yung iba sa atin, di makahanap ng maayos na kaibigan. Masakit pa, wala na nga silang kaibigan, minsan wala pa silang pambayad sa therapy. So as if they weren't alienated enough, they often end up developing self-destructive and alienating coping mechanisms. Nakakalungkot kasi imbis na malampasan nila yung kakulangan nila, lalo pa nila yun nararamdaman, lalo pa sila nasasaktan, lalo pa silang napapalayo sa atin.

I am such a hippy for saying this but everybody deserves to be loved and understood.

be someone's NEW friend today.

Labels: me, thoughts

kitten posted @ 10:05 PM |



*sigh*

Physical pains first, then. My feet hurt, holy shit. Worked from 2pm-11pm last night, went home, slept for like 2 hours, got up at 5.30am, worked from 8 to 6. Yeah. My feet hurt, along will all my other body parts. Especially my hands which, if it interests you, got burned, cut, and squished between toaster doors and register drawers.

Then there's the fact that I still haven't gotten my period. Seven weeks and counting, people, can only result in a very hormonal me. Yep. Hormonaaal.

And I'm sleep deprived, more than ever. I need my sleep. I have essays to write and exams to take. Sleep is good but I haven't had any. Somebody pass me a couple of pills, please.

Today while I was on my way home, all my senses literally shut down. Like, my sight was blurry, music was playing from my Zen but I couldn't exactly hear it, and even the hale-hale's regular putok was unnoticed. The only sense I still had was feeling and I'm sure of that because I certainly felt the excruciating pain from what my mom calls physical overexertion.

*yawns*

Emotional next.

Phil and Candy broke up. God, aren't we all just tired of hearing about these two?! Anyway, you know how I said I'll fix him? Apparently, she found out about what I said, fussed about it AGAIN and Phil just got really, really tired from all the emotional run-arounds and ended it. *sigh*

Sabi ng aking trusted friend, the only reason I'm still affected is because I haven't made up my mind on where I stand on this. That is true, of course. I want the both of them to be happy, but I want to be happy too. I need to be happy too. I deserve to be happy too. But all of this really just boils down to who I think deserves to be happy MORE than the other(s). And, because I am an indecisive jerk, would rather just not pick, lest I be called selfish for picking me and lest I get even more hurt for picking them.

But to be honest, I want to pick me. All that has happened in the last few months lead me to believe that this is worth the fight, if only I was willing enough to actually get into the battle. I am half-certain that we would be happy together. I am sure that if only I had courage enough, all of these hopes would become reality.

I need a couple of valiums.

[p.s. In my heart, I know I always have been and always will be one of the stoner kids. How tragic. That just makes me want to get stoned even more.]

Labels: love, me, nonsense

kitten posted @ 9:15 PM |



We have a new swivel chair. Even if I will sound like a kid by saying this, I'll say it anyway: I love spinning in it! Weeeee. It's super fun, bar the getting dizzy at the end.

*spins* Weeeeeeeeee...

Eeeeeeeeeee...

Eeeeeck. *barfs*

---------------
Dapat ang mga tulad mo binabaril na sa Luneta, are Kuya Eric's famous words. They always hit me hard because I know it's true. Unconditional love, as romantic and as ideal as it is, is just not practical.

Of course, I've never been much of a practical person. I'd rather make sure I have fun, loads of it, than make sure I have enough money or energy left. Life's too short to be fussy, hello. But I've lost you again, I was trying to make a point.

Well, let the conversation speak for itself.

--
Phone rings.

PHIL: I'm broken.
KITTEN: Then I'll fix you.

End.

--
We didn't hang up, in case you were wondering. We stayed on the line, and we connected without words. No, not without words but beyond words. *sigh*

The beauty of it is in the fact that there were no preliminaries. We defied convention - no hellos, no how-are-yous, no actual conversation. And yet we understood each other. I understood that he needed me just as he understood that I needed him too, and that I would ride the storm with him.

I'm not sorry I love him. I know he draws strength from that love. And I meant what I said: I will fix him.

<3

Labels: love, nonsense

kitten posted @ 12:30 PM |



I am sooo glad that the Bio midterm is done. I thought it was fairly easy. Fifty items, multiple choice, two points each. Talking to Jimmy and Lauren, unfortunately, made me think I might have just gotten each and every single problem wrong. They said the midterm was hard. *facepalm*

Ooh, ooh. After my Bio midterm, I had Calculus. I sat down behind Becca, even if I said I wouldn't. Haha. Then Chrissy screams Kitten! and waves frantically at me all the way from the front row that people just looked at me. I just wanted to die. And I could have sworn I detected an "I-know-your-secret" look in her eyes.

And then the most miraculous thing happened. Er. Not really. Whatever.

Becca stood up, fixed some of her stuff and then said Can you look after my stuff?

I couldn't stop myself from smiling. God. I'm such a dork. I just said Sure, yeah.

Then she said, I'm just going to the bathroom really quick. Just make sure nobody takes my things, okay?

Okay, I said.

Ayun. Yun na. Hehe. She talked to me. So they weren't exactly lines from Romeo and Juliet, but I don't care. She talked to me. Yey. :)

And yesterday was Mai's birthday. We spent half the day together. We had lunch at her place at around eleven something (Tita made pancit and barbeque. O diba? Parang nasa Pinas lang.) then we watched a movie while laughing at yearbook pictures of people. Haha. Then we went to Snyder High for the tutoring thing until five. Coffee at Dunkin Donuts until six thirty. Around eleven, she messaged me and thanked me for a wonderful day. Drama!

You know, Mai is one of the few people who really get me. I don't have to explain myself a lot when I talk to her. She just understands. And she has always been around, whether I needed her or not. We've endured heartache, professional frustraition and financial instability together. And she's a really big part of my life. I don't know what I'd do without her.

Mai, happy birthday. Tanda ka na, pero cute na cute ka paren. We are only as old as we feel and we'll always, always be six! I love you, tripod. :) *hug*

Aaand. Lastly, I love Victor's hat. Teehee. It's plaid, olive green and has a wonderful outline of a phoenix on it. Love it. And he let me wear it through Jazz class. Yehey. :) When I see him on Monday, I'm asking for it. Haha. :)

Saturday and Sunday = work = bummer.

Labels: stories

kitten posted @ 4:12 PM |



Er. Today's the day I tutor Chrissy and I'm not exactly thrilled about it. I am hoping to see Becca, although I'm pretty sure she's not going to be anywhere near me today. *sigh*

You know what? I think I'll ask Chrissy if Becca's seeing anyone. There's just no subtle way to do it, and I think things will be way, waaay awkward after I do it. Waaah. I'll just go ahead and do it. Or not. Whatever. I'll edit this later to let you know if I did.

Labels: me

kitten posted @ 8:17 AM |



If you're still cutting after you've cut through the flesh and the pain, what are you cutting through?

I never understood why my friends made such a big deal of my cutting. Now, I do. And I feel more helpless than I have ever felt.

I'll tell you to stop. I'll tell you that this is not the way to deal with things. But I know that some things just have to be done. When you've made up your mind to do it, then you will. That's how I've always been, anyway.

But when the pain has left you, forget everything you've learned about cutting and never pick up a razor again. It's a vicious cycle. I'm in it and I don't want you to be in there too.

I love you. Whatever it is, it too shall pass.

---------------
Phil: Did you message me last night?
Kitten: I don't believe I did.
Phil: I know you didn't. You're not putting much effort at keeping in touch.

--
Well, if I wasn't putting much effort in to keeping in touch, it was with good reason. I can't believe it still hasn't sunk in. He still doesn't get it.

He still does it even if he knows he's going to get into a fight with her, my friend said. And he does. It's either he's really, really daft and doesn't get it, or it just doesn't matter to him whether he gets into a fight with her or not.

I think it's sweet. My idea of romance needs tweaking.

Labels: feelings

kitten posted @ 7:04 AM |