Do you believe in The One? You know how they say that there's that one person out there for you?

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What sucks about having a computer is that I now have the time to check my Friendster. Before, I would have been in a hurry trying to take in as much as I can in very little time (As you know, I only used my aunt's computer upstairs.). Now I can take my time, read all I want, click the night away.

He looked me up. I know that because I clicked that link that says viewed X times or something like that. He looked me up. So I looked him up. And I just had to scroll down. And scroll down. And read.

Will it make sense if I tell you that I felt a little jealous when I found out that they were still together? Will you believe me when I tell you I always thought we'd end up together, have kids and live happily ever after? Of course not. Because it's not me. That's why I hate it. I did feel jealous. I did think we'd live happily ever after. He was the one for me. And I was the one for him. But things didn't work out.

I stared at his picture for a long time, a part of me still longing to be with him again. I found myself praying for another day with him so I could hold his hand and put my head on his shoulder and fall asleep in his arms forever.

We never fall out of love, I know. We just forget.

Now, all that needs to be said is this and I quote from U2's Beautiful Day
What you don't have, you don't need it now.

---------------
Lilo <3 bought me 3 biscuits today. Wala lang. Cute. <3

Labels: feelings, thoughts

kitten posted @ 1:04 AM |



Okay. In fairness, masaya siya. Mas masaya siya compared sa Christmas party namin kasama yung production. Lol Here's what happened:

1. Dinner c/o Carmine's.
2. Picture-picture.
   Siyempre major pose naman ako sa pictures namin ni Lilo.
3. Apple-eating contest
   Can I just say na astig itong game na ito? Lol Pairs were as follows: Lilo <3 and Mommy Che, Patrick and Jen, Ry and Michelle, Dax and Van. Siyempre ang gusto ko manalo si Lilo <3. Kaya siyempre, siya nga ang nanalo. :)
4. Egg relay!
   Ang powers ko naubos sa kakaingat na di mahulog ang pesteng itlog sa kutsara. At ang powers ko naubos din dahil mahirap siyang ipasa nang hindi hinahawakan ang mahiwagang egg. Pero ayun. It was a close race kaso nahulog ni Jen yung itlog. Tapos si Ate Monette naman, lasing na so mejo gewang-gewang na din. Pero ayus lang. Masakit nga lang sa bangs.
5. *highlight coming up* Yung game na ilulusot yung pen sa damit ng mga boys tapos ilalabas... bleeeeh.
   Ayun. Ang sarap talaga ng buhay ko. Ang mga pairs: My and Frank, Jen and Patrick, Osho and Michelle, Lilo <3 and Kitten. So musta naman ang kapartner kong si Lilo? Wala lang. The whole time I hoped and I prayed that I would just die! Lalo na nung bumanat si Sir Ray Okay girls, luhod sa harap ng boys. Parang ako Fuck. Fuck talaga. Tapos sabi ipapasok daw yung pen sa left pants leg iaakyat pataas tapos ilalabas sa neck hole nung shirt, ibaba papunta sa right pants leg naman.
   Okay. Una sa lahat, hiyang-hiya ako kay Lilo. As in. Pangalawa, yung pants na suot niya ay yung bigay ko sa kanya so sa totoo lang gusto ko lang tingnan yung dating sa kaniya. (In fairness, ang ganda nung binili ko. Aeropostale ba naman eh.)
   So nag-umpisa na ang game. Musta naman ang
   hirap na hirap akong iakyat yung pen sa pants niya. My hands were shaking ba naman! Tapos when I finally got going (sort of) naipasok ko sa thermal pants niya yung pen. Musta naman ang kamalasan diba? Tapos nung finally naiakyat ko na siya, tapos up-up-up the shirt na, pagpatong ko nung kamay ko sa chest niya para kuhain ang dakilang ballpen, I felt bricks mehn. Major siyet. Ang pecs ay major wow. Yun lang. Panalo talaga. *blush* Nakita nga niya na nagulat ako kasi nag-step back ako, sort of. Yun nga lang, natalo kami. Okay lang. Natalo man kami, nanalo naman ang pecs. Lol
6. Trip to Hong-Kong (Red Ribbon style)
   Well, well, well. Dami talagang pauso. Pinacomplicate ang musical chairs. Una ang mga girls nasa inner circle tapos boys sa outer circle. Pagkatapos siyempre the music plays and everyone dances around the chairs. Ang mangyayari, once the music stops, the girls grab a seat and the boys, well, the boys sit on the girls. Nakipagtulakan sa'kin si Mai nung tatlo na lang kaming girls. Sabi nga niya bago magstart yung game Galit muna tayo. True enough, galit muna kami pero di ko naman inexpect na itutulak ako ng dakila niyang pwet. So ayan. Dumausdos ako from my seat, si Lilo saklolo naman kaagad. Pero di pa siya out so layas na ako sa eksena. Nanalo siya ulit. Sugapa kasi sa upuan. Tinulak ba naman si Mai. Pero galing parin niya. Lol
7. Newspaper dance (Red Ribbon style)
   Imbis na newspaper, wax paper. Ang dulas. Buti na lang hindi ako kasali. Ang nanalo si Mai tska si Frank. Binuhat ba naman niya si Mai nung final na fold eh. Talagang mananalo sila.
8. Exchanging of gifts!
9. Toasts! (Banat ko: Here's to broken hearts and failed dreams.)

Ayan. Ang saya ng Christmas party namen. Huli man at magaling, naihahabol din. :p

---------------
You know how they say there's a first time for everything? Turns out, it's true. A couple hours ago, I was disappointed and angry and sad. I was emotional stew - I couldn't tell what it was that I was really feeling. Here's the story:

I was at the counter with Osho and Lilo <3. Now, completely out of nowhere (at least for me) Osho started laughing. So I asked him what was so funny. He said it was nothing.

Now, I don't know about you but when people say it's nothing I know it's something. So I asked Lilo what it was that was so funny. And he said Bakit ka ba kasi nakikialam?

I was shocked. I was embarassed. I expected an answer and he gave me, well... He snubbed me.

I waited until the customers left and said to him Aba, pag nandito ka sa Red Ribbon, you're business is my business. Tandaan mo, dito ka nagtatrabaho. Dapat malaman ko kung anung binibusiness mo dito. and I walked out.

I was so mad. Una, ang sama ng pagkasabi niya. Pangalawa, napahiya ako sa mga kasama ko. Nakita nila na ginaganun lang ako ni Lilo <3. I was really hurt. Scratch that. My pride was really hurt.

I went around the store. I fixed everything that needed fixing. I refilled all the containers. I even mopped the floors. I was sooo mad and I needed an outlet. And all the time I could hear the people at the counter telling Lilo <3 Lagot ka. Nagalit na si Kitten sa'yo. Magsorry ka na. He never said anything. That is, not until he said Bakit ako magsosorry sa kaniya?

It was disappointing. He didn't know why I was so upset. And I was so proud to have found a sensitive guy like him. It turns out I found just another stupid guy to drag around with all my other emotional baggage.

I had stuff to do at the counter, and I couldn't help being near him. When he got the chance, he said Kitten, galit ka? I told him Hindi. and walked away. I went to the kitchen to fix some more stuff, but before I got there I heard him say Kita niyo. Di naman siya galit eh. and everybody was like Ang tanga mo rin eh ano?

So there. I told him to close his drawer early because I "wanted to give Jen drawer fund for the night". Allegedly. Truth is, I couldn't stand another minute with him around. I wanted him to get bored and want to go home or something.

He did close his drawer early. And as we sat silently in the office - he counting the money and I watching him do so - I knew this was the first of many. Once people start fighting, they never stop. I know that. It becomes, if you don't mind my saying so, a little bit like an addiction.

He finished counting his money, and I stayed in the office to put away his sales in the vault. When I came back out from the office, he already had on his jacket and his bag. He was leaving.

But Osho needed a reliever so he could go on break! And he wasn't supposed to leave until 4.30! And. And. A part of me didn't want him to leave...

I asked him Nag-out ka na?

He nodded his head. I shrugged my shoulders in reply. Kung nag-out na siya, di ko na siya pwede pang mapabalik. Ang nag-out na, nag-out na. Malas lang.

I texted him a couple of minutes later (Galit na galit na kasi talaga ako. Musta naman diba?) Nag-out ka na hindi naman kita mapabalik, wala tuloy reliever si osho. 2 strikes ka today. I didn't care if he replied. I just wanted him to know that I was mad and that he made me mad twice.

He didn't reply. And everything went okay in the store. :)

Then at around 8pm my phone started vibrating. I received a message from him that read Kitten, sorry kanina kasi bastos yung usapan namin ni Osho eh. At biro lang yung sinabi ko sa'yo kanina. Dati naman na tayong nagbibiruan eh... Kaya ako umalis agad kasi sad ako. :( Huhu.

Bobo na kung bobo pero lumambot talaga ang puso ko sa message niya. I always tell Mai that he's like a puppy: he needs all the love and attention you can give him. And he's sweet and cute like a puppy too. Lol What he texted me is proof. He is simply too cute.

I wanted to send a reply. But I couldn't think of a thing to say. I wanted to tell him that I didn't need his apologies. I wanted to tell him that I was turned off (And I really was.) by what happened. I wanted to tell him that I was so mad. I wanted to just... ugh. But I didn't. I just let the message sit. I thought maybe a good reply would come to me.

Akalain mong 9pm na eh wala parin akong reply. Mai kept telling me to type something anything up because Lilo was going to get worried. But there was just nothing to say.

When I got on the bus home, I started typing up a message for him. I got to my stop before I could finish it.

Just as I was at our house's door, my phone started vibrating; he was calling me.

Kitten, galit ka pa?

Sorry na... Usapan kasing bastos yun eh...

Hindi ako makatulog kasi galit ka sa'kin...
Everything he said was right this time. And I told him everything. And after a couple of minutes of talking, we started laughing... We were okay. We were okay. <3

What made everything okay, what took all of the disappointment and anger away was the fact that he was man enough to call me. I would have thought we'd play the Pride Game, but we didn't. And I'm glad.

Ayun. First ever away namin. First ever bati din namin. Yey. :)

P.S. Sinabi sa'kin ni Ox kung ano yung pinag-usapan nila. Absolutely... eek. Kaya nung nalaman ko na, di na din ako nagalit eh. Lol Kung ako din si Lilo <3 tapos may magtatanong din, violent din ang reaction ko. Kaya all is forgiven. And harmony is restored in my Paradise. :)

P.P.S. After thought lang: He respects me kasi hindi niya ako sinasali sa usapang bastos. Hindi nga yun nag-uusap ng ganun eh. As in! Mr. perfect nga siya eh. :p Pero yun. I'm glad. Super glad. <3

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Kanina kasi nung nagpapalit ako sa bangko para sa change fund namin bukas, dumaan ako ng Mcdo para bilhan ng cheeseburger si Lilo <3. Ngayon, super busy kami sa store kanina so hindi na siya nagkaroon ng time na kainin yung bigay ko sa kaniya (maliban dun sa isang kakapiraso na naisubo ko sa kaniya). So nung nakapag-out na siya, andun siya sa office nakatambay. Tapos hinanap ko yung cheeseburger. Sabi niya, ipapainit daw niya sa microwave. Pag balik niya mainit na and everything tapos kinain na niya. E pumasok si Dax tapos naamoy niya yung burger. Sabi niya Papi, ang sarap naman niyan. Amoy tae. Pakagat naman. So pinalo ko siya. Sabi ko Sa'kin galing yan. Tapos sabi niya Walang hiya ka. Ako tito mo, di mo binilhan ng burger. Natawa na lang ako eh. Haha.

Oo nga.

Bakit nga ba hindi ko siya binilhan?

Labels: love, stories

kitten posted @ 12:15 AM |



I bought presents for everybody I know and finished all the money I allegedly saved up.
I got caught with a pack of cigarettes in my bag with two lighters (Looks like somebody has been smoking with a buddy.).
I gave him the most expensive present I could find just because.
I totally hogged the MagicMic on Christmas Eve.
The best present I got was The Everglow cd by Mae (Thanks, Ry! *hug*).
I felt like my family treated me like a whore by giving me money instead of actually buying me presents.
The store made a whopping $40,000.00 on Christmas Eve.
I realized I only have two good friends and one of them lives on the other side of the world, completely oblivious to what has been happening to me lately...
I found out that Frank and Mai are already going out. She didn't tell me. Prolly because I told her Frank wasn't for her.
He called me just to say thank you for my gift. <3

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Not a bad Christmas. Not bad at all. :)

Labels: stories

kitten posted @ 8:47 PM |



Sabi nung insurance company ni Daddy, hindi na daw ako covered sa insurance policy niya. Pero hindi ito dahil over 18 na ako, kasi in fact okay lang yun. Ang problema, hindi kasi ako full-time student tapos nagtatrabaho pa ako. Kunga baga, ay ken apord tu get may own insyurans. Di na kailangan makisali kay Tatay.

Saklap.

I should quit my job.

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Do you know why I love to read? I love to read because I get away from it all. It's a vacation without having to buy airline tickets! (Kahit kailan, kuripot talaga ako.)

I'd like to keep reading. Except I haven't had the time lately. In fact, I haven't had the time for anything else but my job.

Again. I should quit my job.

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Wednesday. Uncomfortable silences. Stolen glances. Stupid conversations to fill the quiet.

Thursday night. Feelings are making Heart confused. Mind has lost all will to fight Heart, but argues with one final point. Heart breaks. Mind wins.

Thursday night. Dark and cold out. Blurts out Go home. I want to be alone. Friends refuse to go home.

Thursday night. Lights a cigarette. It has been long since one was lit. And I don't think I ever lit one or finished one so quickly. Mai cries.

Thursday night. Dad arrives at the store. Time to go home.

Thursday night. His stares burned into my skin and into my soul until it touched a part of me I thought I reserved for somebody else. He was trying to understand what was happening. He was trying to understand me. And I wanted to tell him of the battle that my heart was waging against my mind. I wanted to tell him everything. But had he the time? And had I the courage?

Thursday night. Lies in bed. Closes eyes. Whispers a wish. Drifts off to sleep.

---------------
I have stopped believing in the power of my dreams.

Labels: nonsense

kitten posted @ 12:40 PM |



When you start looking at somebody differently, everything else changes with it. For some reason, the sun shines brighter, you smile a little bit wider and, yes, life gets a little bit better. I guess that's the magic that love brings when we take the risk of letting it into our lives. It is true then that without great risk, there is no great gain.

The only thing I want to know now is whether there is a love that exists that will end well for me. So far all the loves I've had have ended in tears, in screams, in pretense... This time I don't want it to end at all. And maybe, if this really is the one, it won't have to. :)

Thanks Hunnybun. Everyday, you help me go beyond my limits and overcome myself. It is thanks to you that I am where I am today. I love you. And I know you love me too. Thank you. :) I can't wait to see where our love will take us next.

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 1:39 AM |



Lilo. Mai. Ry. Ox. Jen. Pat.

Salamat. *hugs*

I make it through because and for you guys. I love you. Lalo na ikaw Mai. :)

Labels: nonsense

kitten posted @ 2:01 PM |



"It's a good thing you failed to be a mother because you suck at it." These were the harsh words House threw at Dr. Cuddy's face in the last episode I saw. And very timely for me too as I just realized I am a devastating failure.

I don't know about you but I've been told more than a million times that I can't win them all. I've never been more certain in my life that the phrase "You can't win them all." really is for losers. Think about it, when you've lost everything, there really is nothing left but stupid, unhelpful words. Right now, all that I've got to hold on to is the idea that I can't win them all.

I failed because I suck. I am a loser. Call me proud, call me arrogant, call me whatever you want, but I've always thought that I would forever and always succeed. Failure was never an option for me. Recent events have proven me wrong. I can fail. I will fail. And maybe I will fail at everything. That's what's waiting for me out there, I think - more and more and still more failure.

I've crossed over to the other side. I've said farewell to startling yet amazing grades. I've kissed my future in perfectly wonderful universities goodbye. In our lives, there always comes this single moment when we have to settle. This is that moment.

Come to think of it, numbers don't matter. So what if I didn't get the highest that there was to get? My life isn't measured by how well I know my math. Or how wonderfully I construct my sentences. It's about what I make of myself. Right?

Oh god. I even sound like a loser. Oh right. That's because I am a loser. Yup. *checks self* Loser.

*cries*

Labels: me, thoughts

kitten posted @ 3:17 PM |