Due to public demand, I have risked what I now consider to be my liberty - if you can call it that - to update my blog. Wee. I love being a rebel. Gets the blood pumping through my veins. LOL.

Anyway, this sem break (or perm break, for me) has been a real bummer. I've been cooped up eery single day, doing nothing but reading and watching TV. Of course, that ain't half bad considering I haven't had the time to read (or reread) my books since summer but I guess the idea of having to do that for the rest of the year... kinda... well... ruins the fun of it.

Friday last week was hell. Ugh. I was supposed to come to school to pick up my class cards (and hang with my friends, of course) when my dad suddenly changed his mind "because of the rain". (My dad and I haven't really been in good terms, and I have been doing what I seem fit - nothing. It's better just to get out of the way than to get into more trouble. I don't want to go away a month early, you know. LOL.) That kinda ruined everything for me, seeing as I wanted to spend time with... people. But like I said, I was better off not doing anything. So that was what I did.

Yesterday was great though. After a long (and I mean looong) break from driving, I had once again laid hands on the wheel. Oh yeah. It was good. I swear. A little too good, I think. Because our car, yes, that cute little blue van we all love, wound up in the gutter. Punyeta.

Nakakahiya.

At first I was cool, I tried to back out our car from the gutter, but my plan backfired (Funny how things work out sometimes) and I got even more stuck. Yipee.

Sino ba naman kasing tanga ang magmamaneho ng alas singko ng umaga, ha? Kung kelan madilim?

Ako. Si Kitten. Yuck. Tanga. *headdesk*

I sat there. I just sat there. My tito's house was a minute's walk from where I was. I could go there. Ask for help... Pero shempre nahiya ako. Duh. Musta ka naman diba? Mashado naman atang nahahalata na gusto kong makawala sa kulungan ko! So I didn't go. Even if I knew I should have.

Luckily, God has never failed me and as dawn broke, (yes, I watched the sunrise...) my tito's car drove out from their house's drive way and passed to where I was. *sigh* Rescued by family...

not!

Unfortunately, my tito had this really bad case of the hemorrhoids and can't push the damn van. Oh yeah. Almuranas. Now I truly understand the benefits of diet and exercise. *snigger*

So anu ngang gagawin ko? Leche. It was a good thing my tito had enough sense in him to call other people for help and... after twenty minutes of slave labor... *snigger* We got the car out of the stupid gutter. I stood there and watched the men do the work. *sigh* The perks of being a lady! LOL.

Siguro kung nasa tama akong pag-iisip ay umuwi na ako... Pero hindi. Nag-ikot pa ako at kung san-san ako nakarating.

Driving... It's an escape. It's just like... writing... and music.

The sun was up (waaay up before I decided to head back home) and I was welcomed by a loud

Linisin mo yung kotse. Ikaw ang nagdumi niyan.

*sigh* What was I saying about the perks of being a lady? I seem to have forgotten... LOL.

I got out of bed early today to do the same thing and this time, I didn't dare go near gutters or whathaveyous because my tito might not be there to rescue me.

Can't wait to get my international license...

---------------
I realised that I seem to have a knack for attracting people who are already committed. Ahem.

(She won't be able to read this, so it's okay if I spill all the beans)

Naiinis ako. Alam naman niya na may girlfriend na siya eh. At alam naman niya na may mahal ako. Pero kung tratuhin niya ako parang... kami.

Hindi sa ayaw ko. Shempre nakakamiss din yung merong naglalambing sa'yo. Nangungulit at lahat na. Tska masarap din yung may magbalik (if you can call it that) ng feelings mo. Pero naman. Wag naman yung taken na diba?

The idea of having someone visit me here at home, and play with my brothers and just hang is inviting. Especially now that I haven't anything to occupy me. And she (yup, babae...nanaman.) lives so far away! The idea of dropping by here to visit me... just to see me... Shit.

And she invited me to watch her games! Shit. Games! Plural! Grabe. So anung papel ko dun diba? Di naman ako bball fun so bakit ako mag-aabalang pumunta dun kung hindi ko naman siya kaano-ano?

And she's asking me to go places with her.

What does she expect me to say? What does she expect me to do?

Am I supposed to play stupid and act like I don't know about the other girl?

Querida.

You don't really want to be called this in Filipino no matter how wonderful it sounds in Spanish.

---------------
Unsent letter No. 4

Dear Sunshine,

I miss you so much. I haven't heard from you in a while. I'm sure you're doing okay.

I was looking through my things last week and I found this toy chick you gave me. God! I cried. I felt stupid. I had no reason to cry... so what was I doing crying?

I looked at it. It was because of this dub chick that I entertained what I felt for you. This dumb chick.

You gave it to me. For no reason. Or probably because you heard me whining about not having one.

I miss you. Talaga.

I wanted to see you last friday. I wanted to give you some of the poems I wrote for you over the break. They're kinda dumb, pero... bored ako eh.

I heard you know this site na... Sana hindi. Thought about changing the url, but a lot of people will have trouble accessing it, so wag na lang... Hope... well... Hope you like what you're reading. If you're reading this. LOL.


Missing you,
Moonlight
kitten posted @ 11:09 PM |



Tuesday

My brother and I finally finished this game we've been playing for two years. Yes, two long years of our lives have been wasted on playing a game. I guess no one knows what game that is so I'm just gonna put the title here. The game's called The Legend of Zelda - Ocarina of Time.

This game's still played on N64 and no matter how obsolete that may sound, it's still a pretty good game. I guess that's why even when the world has already been plagued with PS2s and Xboxs, my brother and I still played. And it took us two long years to finish it.

It was a good day because all our hard work has paid off. But then, after we were done, we looked at each other and felt,. well, sad. It was over. That's the thing.

It's over.

It has become part of our system that life without seems unthinkable. Ha. I must be sooo stupid getting attached to a game.

Wednesday

I got the results of my music practical exams and they were great. Ha. They were better than I expected. And I'm happy.

My friend called me on the phone. After a long time, I had a caller! Ha. Oh joy. (That sounded very sarcastic, didn't it?) To tell you honestly, I was very happy to talk to her again. It has been a while since we got to talk to each other. I guess you could say we wer catching up on things. Then again, there's really nothing much to catch up to.

---------------
Unsent Letter No. 3

Dear Sunshine,

It's funny how when we're together, every hour seems faster than it really is, and when we're apart, every minute seems like forever. I miss you so much. I can't wait to see you again.

Last night, I learned that you cried...because of me.

"One runs the risk of weeping a little, if one lets himself be tamed..."
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince

I found it hard to sleep last night. I hated the fact that you cried...because of me. It seemed like I was important. No matter how much I have prayed for that, if it'll mean that you'd shed your tears for me, I'd rather that I'd be just another face in the crowd.

All I could manage to tell you was "Just because you don't see the Moon, doesn't mean it isn't there..."

There, there. You'll get over this soon enough...


Missing you,
Moonlight

PS
I hope that was all you did. I hope you didn't drink or something. Otherwise, I'd have to bang myself on the wall. You know how much I hate it when you go drinking.

---------------
I'm banned from connecting to the internet. Ew. That's so... ew. Ha. Anyway, I bargained to use the internet today. 10 minutes to be exact. I am so pathetic. Guess you won't be hearing much from me again.
kitten posted @ 1:26 AM |



What a day. The Math departmental exams are finally, finally over and all I can say is...

That was some tough shit.

I'm still praying for the best, though. My average isn't very good right now. I need a pretty high grade to get exempted from the finals. I'm keeping all of my body parts crossed.

---------------
Today, I made a very important realisation about the relationship I have with my parents: It is still as cold as it was after they grounded me. I mean, sure, I have gained back some of my liberties (like blogging) but the bond I used to have with them is... well... gone. Hopefully, it's only temporary.

I came to school early today, thinking that the Math exams were to be taken at 10am. I got there and saw some of my classmates huddled on the floor. The first thing they said? 4pm pa ang exam. Damn. I was given Php100 today (and that's just because I no longer have tickets for the trains). Coming to school finished nearly half of that. Coming home would finish the other half. I decided to text my dad and tell him that the exams were rescheduled but I couldn't come home.

It wasn't long until he called me and told me to come home. I said I couldn't because I wouldn't be able to come back to school and I would miss the exams. Blah blah blah. I told him that I'd rather stay in school with my friends and get the chance to study Stat. It took him 0.5 seconds to say Punyeta. over and over and over again and I could swear I was at the verge of tears. He said I'd just be hanging out with my friends, going places and doing things (by doing things he doesn't mean good things). Blah blah blah. You get the story.

I miss being cool with my parents. I guess you would agree with me when I say that our relationship is at its worst. If only there was something I could do to bring back what we had... If only.

---------------
Unsent letter No.2
Dear Sunshine,

I hung out with Rhoda a while ago and we talked about that thing. She told me that she'd miss me. Aw. I smiled and said, Well, yeah. No one will quarrel with Rizza anymore. And then she said, No one will quarrel with Sunshine anymore. No one will call her a big logical fallacy, *trails off* I fell silent because I had to think about what that implied. It felt as if all I ever did with you was fight.

While I was on my way home a while ago, I had to think about all the mean things I've said to you. And I found that there were three that I think hurt you the most.

1. You are so annoying.


2. You are one big logical fallacy.


3. You ruin people's romantic fantasies.

I felt like dying. Now that I think about it, I have no right to say those things to you. I'm sorry I said them...

I want to explain myself. I want to tell you why I said them. And how I don't really mean them. But I know that even if I do that, it wouldn't change a thing. I've already said them. No apology could take back the hurt I have already caused.

I'm sorry.

You will find someone like me, someone better than me and when you do, you would forget I ever said you were annoying. You'd forget I ever called you a logical fallacy. You'd forget I said you ruin people's romantic fantasies (especially mine)... But even if you forget, I will always remember. Because it's funny how I say I don't want to hurt you, but I do anyway.


Much love,
Moonlight

PS Oversized shirts are so not you. LOL.
PPS I love you... and I'm counting down the days til... *sigh*
kitten posted @ 9:29 AM |

I love you!

Hence an entry dedicated solely to you...

---------------
Unsent letter No. 1

Dear Sunshine,

I was trying to study Stat a while ago, and found that all my thoughts revolved around you and, much to my dismay, not Stat. I figured after writing this I will be able to direct all my energy to studying and not thinking about you.

Remember the Soc Sci exam we took last Friday? Remember how you sat near me? God. I felt like I would melt. Even if you couldn't look at me (as if you would if you had the chance.), I was content breathing the same air you were breathing. I took in every second of that exam because it may never happen again.

We were handed the papers and I answered hurriedly, eager to finish and get home... and think about you some more. You are all I ever do! You must think I'm pathetic. If only you knew...

In the middle of the exam, you messed with your hair and the scent of it made its way to me. I closed my eyes and marveled at the smell of your shampoo. I smiled and thought that whoever marries you will be the luckiest person in the world. Not only are you smart and kind, you look and smell good too. You are a heavenly experience.

I closed my eyes again and made a memory of that moment, of the smell of your hair, of your crisp clothes that smell of fabric softener, of that stupid hat you're always wearing (that looks very good on you, btw), of your face, of your smile, of your laugh. I couldn't help but feel sad. I will leave you soon and... I do not know how it is I am going to live without you.

Surely, I will miss you when I leave. I will probably spend every waking minute thinking about how you are, and wishing that I could be there with you - forever.

I have given up hope of ever being with you. It will never happen... But I am happy, just recalling the smell of your hair.


Much love,
Moonlight
kitten posted @ 5:44 AM |



Someone rescue me from failing Math 1!

Right now, I don't care how it'll be done and who'll do it, just as long as I pass Math. Argh.

Math is the subject I consider to be my forte. And I'm about to fail it. Yipee.

I've studied Stat already and I've made some progress. Little progress. Teeny-weeny progress. Or maybe I haven't made progress at all. Damn.

So what am I doing in front of the PC when I could be learning how to do Stat? Well, I dunno. I figured I'd re-psych first before I hit the books again. I mean my self-esteem right now is like... Low. Forcing myself to learn it won't help. In short, nag-chi-chillax ako.

---------------
Paper hearts and paper swans.

I was just thinking about how I loved making paper hearts and how my ex used to make paper swans. (Imagine, there's actually a guy out there who makes swans and not planes!)

Well... You know how swans mate for life? And you know how hearts mean love?

*sigh*

This is what happens when you have tons of free time...
kitten posted @ 5:01 AM |

Yahoo!

I seriously don't know if it was the hunger strike that did it (Dapat lang noh. Nahihirapan na ako magtakas ng Chocnut dito sa kwarto ko. At nahihirapan na rin akong magtapon ng mga balot.), or if it was the cold shoulder, or if it was both, but it doesn't really matter. I don't care.

Thing is... Pinag-iisipan nila (i.e. dakila kong mga magulang) kung papaaralin pa nila ako sa second sem. Sure it's not much, but it's something. At least my parents are considering the idea of sending me back to school. Man. What a way to end the day!

Of course, there's still the possiblity that I don't go back to school. But now there's a ray of hope and I've got all my body parts crossed (I bet you're picturing me right now.). *sigh*

Truly, God is the master of everything. There's nothing a little (or a lot of) prayer can't cure.

---------------
For your viewing pleasure, my blog has a new layout. Yeah.

I didn't study Stat for this. Or I did this because I couldn't study Stat. Whatever. Basta. New layout.

---------------
Poor me. I've got a day to study for Stat and I have absofuckinglutely no idea what I'm doing. Stat is so not for me. And it's annoying, seeing how I LOVE math and all. *sigh*

What does a girl have to do?

It's not like I'm dreaming of becoming a Math genius (not that it wouldn't be great, of course)! I just want to pass Math 1. ONE! Shit. I could fail Math 18 or Math 27 or something. Pero, Lord, wag naman Math 1. :(
kitten posted @ 7:45 AM |



I have three days. I can use those days to

1. Study Calculus and Statistics because we have an exam on Monday.
2. Mope around feeling sorry for myself - for obvious reasons.
3. Be the couch potato that I am.

Since I still have some sense left in me, I have decided to use that time to study. Yes, study. Whoopie.

To those who haven't learned I failed the last departmental exam in math. Well, not fail fail, but you get what I mean, right?

Moving on...

Unfortunately, my brain has other plans. It conveniently chose today (of all days!) to go on holiday. Good for you, brain! I mean, you definitely need a holiday. I just wish you did it like three weeks from now or something! When my bum ass doesn't need a friggin' brain to function coz it'll just be parked on the couch!

*sigh*

That felt good. :)

---------------
I haven't been sleeping well - again.

So... I've been raiding my things for stuff (I think I've lost) and I've found more trash than stuff. Ew. The moment school's over I'm cleaning my room! :)

Of course by trash I don't mean the rotting pile I think you're picturing. By trash I mean stuff I no longer have any use for.

---------------
Sabi ni Ia, kapag daw sinuswerte sa pag-ibig, umaalis.

Kaya daw ako aalis. Sinuwerte na daw ako sa pag-ibig.

Siya nga? Sinuwerte na nga kaya ako?

Sana nga...

---------------
I'm bored. Staying home is just terrible. I need school.

---------------
I caught around 3 hours of sleep a while ago and I had a dream.

I dreamt about HER. I dreamt about her and that guy she's with. And you know what happened? I talked to the guy and asked him to take care of her - for me.

Is this my subconscious talking?

*shrugs* Whatever.
kitten posted @ 3:17 AM |



Just a while ago, a good friend of mine asked me whether I was going to NJ for good. I said, "Well, I haven't decided. But I might come home and pursue my dream of becoming a politician." But that's just something lame I tell everyone. I'm really coming home for someone. Someone I promised forever to.

Since I won't be going to school for the second sem, I might not be able to see any of my friends anymore and I texted this Special Someone of mine. I asked whether we could see each other tomorrow. "It might be the only chance I get," I said.

I awaited the reply eagerly, praying that the answer would be "Sure. What time?" or "Where?" But minutes flew by and no reply came.

I held on to my phone. Then my phone starts vibrating. It read... *secret*. It was my special someone! My special someone was calling me!

I went outside of the house to grab more coverage and answered the call. My heart was beating faster than ever...

Please say yes. Please say yes...

Di ako pwede eh... I have to tell you something... May...

---------------
My special someone's already taken. Who would have thought? Not me. *headdesk* I was stupid to think that no one will fall for my SS - the most wonderful person alive...

I know my SS is happy. And for that, I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy.

I sound like I'm trying to convince myself, don't I?

---------------
Well, so much for coming home to the Philippines. Nothing to come home to.

---------------
Happiness is a state of mind.

Tell me again how happiness is a state of mind.

Please tell me again...

---------------
Happiness is a decision.

I must make that choice.

kitten posted @ 2:30 AM |



The semester's almost over and... well, I haven't said anything about... you know. That thing where you leave and here's a possiblity you don't come back... Fuke.

I have told Sunshine. Yep. We had lunch together last Friday and I said it. In the middle of the laughing, in the middle of the eating... At that moment when I was I felt I could say it out loud and no one would hear... But I was heard. Loud and clear.

It wasn't easy, lemme tell you. It wasn't easy because I was hurting. I didn't want to say it out loud because it would make everything real. I want this to be just another bad joke. But it was real and it was honest and it was painful...

And I was afraid. I was afraid I'd hurt my Sunshine. I was afraid...

Di naman yun nasakatan. Alam ko na walang siyang pakialam. Sino ba naman ako para magkaron siya ng pakialam sa akin diba? So kung wala siyang pakialam bakit ko pa sinabi? Ewan... Siguro kasi... Dapat.

*sigh* Life's a bitch, really. It's either

1. You don't get what you want.


2. You get what you don't want. (Which is even worse, by the way.)

I might throw an end-of-semester party on October 13... I'll tell my blockmates then... :)

PS
Curious: I think I know who you are. Ha. Galing ko talaga. Napagtagpi-tagpi ko lang... :) Astig, babeh. :) I have one question though... Sabi mo ayaw mo nang puro kwento lang... So ibig sabihin may nagkukwento sa'yo? Ahem. Sino naman kaya ang nagkukwento sa'yo? :)

change topic
I was supposed to post this last week, but I didn't get the chance. :)

I accidentally switched the channel last night to this show in GMA. It was about diamonds. Diamonds. *sparkling eyes*

They were featuring this guy who was supposed to propose to his girl. They went with him when he bought the engagement ring and stuff. Surprisingly enough, he only spent Php650.00 for a decent, diamond-looking-studded ring. Not bad. I doubt that girl will take the ring to the pawnshop to find out how much it's worth anyway.

So his big moment comes right?

Guy: Will you marry me?

Trust me. I'm a sucker for this sort of thing. *sparkling eyes* My heart was literally melting...

Then the girl says

Girl: Yes, I do.

*headdesk*

Girl: Yes, I do.

Let me take a moment to regret ever watching that... Moment over.

What a way to ruin the perfect moment. And on NATIONAL TELEVISION. God, the things people do (for love?). (Personally, I refuse to think that was done out of love. Love makes you do crazy, even ridiculous, things, but not stupid.)

I don't know what they were thinking. Maybe they were trying to impress the people who were watching. If that was it, their plan definitely (100 percent!) backfired. Maybe they thought it was more romantic to say it in English. Oh please. Everyone knows things that you really mean are best said in your native tongue. So... I've run out of excuses for them.

Relating this to neocolonialism (Sorry, I've been reading up for our exam in History.), we are still colonized. And we are all suffering because of it.

*shakes head in utter disbelief*

Rhoda's dad said in Filipino, "There is no hope for the Philippines, but there is hope yet for the Filipinos."

Hear, hear!

I wonder when things are going to change in this country...







I want to be part of that change. ;)

"Be the change you want to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi
kitten posted @ 8:35 PM |