Lately, I haven't had the time to blog. It seems that I'm too pre-occupied with the competition for next week. Anyway, it'll be over by Saturday next week and I'll be back to my blogging habits.

Here's what's been happening in my life (not chronological):

• We practiced at Carl's place from 1pm to 12mn. I got tired, but not really.


• We practiced at Carl's place from 7pm to 12mn. I got soo tired. I haven't been sleeping right lately.


• I woke up at three in the morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Saya ah.=P


• Jayar conveniently wanted to back out from the competition due to our experience in the past. (Para sa mga hindi nakaka-alam, sumali kami dati sa isang competition. Tapos sobrangganda ng tugtog namin tas maski yung mga ibang competitors sinasabi na magaling kame. Nung inannouce yung winners, di kame nanalo, kaya nagulat lahat. Lalo na kasi banban yung nanalo. Yun. Lutuan kasi sa mga competition eh. Hirap tuloy sumali.)


• Nagkaron ako ng mga I-miss-you moments para kay Jayar.


• I'm officially addicted to the song Tell Me Where It Hurts.=P I have't been listening to anything else lately.


• We've decided as a group to record our rendition of many songs before I leave for the States.


• I got a haircut, and I love it. I look like a nine year-old.=P


• Shocking news: magbebraces daw ako. Ew. No way. That dentist will never see me again.=P Besides, super late na for braces noh!=P


• I'll enroll sa UP for the first sem. Booyeah!=P It's the most important thing that has happened to me in days.=P

Hmm... My friend's sister asked if we were talking na daw. That person (i.e. my friend's sister) and I haven't been in speaking terms since... ever. So I was kinda glad she asked about me. I thought it was kind of a leap. Only to find out that the reason she asked was because she wanted to ask help in writing her paper. Wow. Salamat naman. The only time we come close to talking and it's to ask for help in writing her paper. Great.

Sidebar (Uy, ginagaya ko si Sam sa I am Sam.=P): If you're ever in need of someone to do some writing, tell me.=P My services'll cost you though.=P
kitten posted @ 9:14 AM |



Today was nice. Not necessarily happy, but nice. It was the kind of break I needed (yet again) from my life.

I watched I am Sam today. I cried a lot. Babaw ng luha ko, ano?=P I am Sam is not the kind of movies you watch with your significant other. It's the kind you watch alone, or maybe with family.

I love that movie. I love the story (it's something I more or less can relate to.=P) and I love the music. I'm not much of a Beatles fan, but I must say that there's no music like the Beatles'.

I was thinking about getting a week's worth of unlimited internet so that I can back up all my important files (i.e. mp3 files.=P). Unfortunately, I think I won't be having time to do that because of the practices for the competition.

Speaking of practices, tomorrow, we'll have our practice at Carl's place from 1pm to 12mn. Shitness. Musta naman sa paguran?! I just hope that it'll end earlier or something. I wouldn't know how to handle 11 hours of non-stop practice.=P Pero arang okay lang din kasi makakapag-usap kami ng maayos. Lalo na at puro problema at paghahapit na kami sa banda.

Anyways, gotta get some shut eye.=P Loong day tomorrow.
kitten posted @ 9:08 AM |



I'm exhausted. I'm emotionally exhausted, physically drained and, as of this moment, mentally incapable. I really don't have the right to feel such, considering I haven't been doing the regular activities I do. I've actually been bumming. Well, not bumming bumming.=P You might get the idea that I've just been lying around.=P Anyway... I've been tired.

I'm emotionally exhausted. A lot of things have been happening in my personal, professional and spiritual life. I feel that my emotional constipation has finally taken its toll.

Last night, my dad picked me up from my band's practice at Carl's place (which went b-a-d bad, by the way. But that's for later.). It was a little late. Prolly around eleven in the evening. And I honestly wanted to get some shut-eye while on my way home. Of course, like all dads, they wanted to fill what appeared to be an uncomfortable silence. I don't mind that. I actually appreciate the effort. (If there's anything I always acknowledge, it's obvious effort.) What I didn't and still don't appreciate is having the topic on UP being opened. Okay. Personally, I think it sucks - big time. But I do know that complaining won't get me anywhere, so I just keep my pretty, little mouth shut. Bar the fact that he actually wanted to talk about it (I think it was his version of a heart-to-heart talk), it was bad. He made me cry like hell. The words love and God and faith were used - words that should never be used in the same sentence together. And what hurt me the most was the fact that he was apologizing to me. Some people would probably be glad their parent actually apologized for what s/he did. This time it was different. If anything, it was half-meant, and probably said only to console the incomprehensible pain I was feeling. One of the things I hate most in life: apologies that are half-meant and have no intent to set things straight. Somehow, I wish he never said he was sorry. I cannot do anything with Sorry. He hurt me and he hurt me bad. And he pretends that things'll be better, when he knows that something like this is life-changing. Maybe things'll be better, but only because I have learned to settle for something less than the best.

My band practiced for the competition yesterday. I was there 4pm sharp, coz one thing I've learned about this business is that you should always be professional. Unfortunately, DJ and Jayar were kind enough to be 1.5 hours late. I was about to get upset when I saw the reason why they were soo late: we had unwanted company: girlfriends. Ugh. Paimportante ng mga ****. Bar that. The studio we use for practicing isn't all that big (especially because that room is also their laundry room =P) but we always have elbow room. Yesterday, we were so cramped. Naturally, it got hot (the atmosphere and temperature alike) and someone was starting to throw a bitch fit, er, tantrum. Then someone else was starting to ask her man to take her home (which is in Valenzuela, btw, and we're like in Marikina). Okay. Nakakainis. First of all, those girls were not supposed to be there coz fact: they're always distracting their men and fact: there isn't enough room. That said, sana di na sila sumama kasi pabigat sila. They don't realize how important this competition is. They don't realise how we really need to practice. They don't realise anything coz they're not in the business. I like their women, don't get me wrong, but maybe they can try to be a little more considerate to the needs of their men, and us, the bandmates. Nagalit tuloy si Carl. Wala akong magawa. Kasi maski ako, naiinis narin. Carl never cries. Never. But when he does, it's absolutely heart-breaking.

I think that our band will end in flames. I'm predicting, hmm, in a week or so everything will be over. Sayang. We could have been great. Sayang. Sa kanila pa naman ako kumukuha ng lakas ko.

Spiritual life: 'Yoko pag-usapan.

I'm physically drained. Literal na nanghihina ako. I'm tired. I wanna sleep. I wanna sleep and never have to wake up to see this nightmare-come-true. Or maybe, I'll wake up to see that this is all a bad dream. But I'm not sleeping. I doubt I'll be waking up from any nightmare soon.
I'm mentally incapable. I have used up all my powers to write a score for the competition. I ate, drank, slept, talked, breathed that score. It's all I've got in my head now. No witty remarks. No jokes. Nothing. I have found myself being snapped back into reality more than once. Wala na ako sa sarili ko.

To ****** (I know you'll read this.=P): I need you. I need you to tell me that everything will be alright. I need you to sing to me (Pwede bang Tell Me Where It Hurts ng M.Y.M.P?=P Please?) . I need you to be here and never-ever go away. Pagod na pagod na ako...

PS The girl in the picture below stole my friend's man. Feel free to exploit her. Especially if you're a victim of such crime, like me!=P

PPS Go ahead and do it. You know you want to...=P
kitten posted @ 10:54 AM |



If you have time, post this picture in your blog.=P We're trying to exploit the poor girl.=P


PS If you love me, you'll do it.=P
kitten posted @ 5:51 AM |



Yesterday, my brothers had their Confirmation. Unfortunately, I woke up late, and they left without me.

Okay, so the moment I realised they were gone the first thing I did was to pick out the clothes I was gonna wear. I had to pick the right clothes. This is a semi-important event we're talking about (I say semi-important because I'm not the one having the confirmation here.)!

I took a bath and dressed almost in a flash (Although flash is an exaggeration of an exaggeration, I must say I did try to hurry.=P). I was so much in a hurry I didn't have time to fix my hair so I just pulled it back. I grabbed my cell phone and marched out my bed room only to realise that I don't have

• a) A car or any other form of transportation and
• Money to avail the services of public transportation a.k.a. jeep

Great. How was I supposed to get there? Fly?!=P (Ding, ang bato!=P)

My mom started texting just in time for my panick attack. (She is so the Anti-mom sometimes.) Where the heck am I? Well, you've got some nerve to ask after you left me! And you actually think I have credits that I'd reply to you when you are aware that I have no allowance and no job?! Tss. Buti na lang maganda ang gising ko.=P

Because of my desire (I wanna go to my brothers' confirmation so badly that I'm using the word desire.) to go, I decided I'd walk. After all, I'm used to walking. I've walked farther! There were two ways I could get to the church: one was downhill then uphill, the other was uphill then downhill. I decided I'd take the uphill then downhill route. Bad choice.

I have forgotten, in all my rush, that the route I took was the one with too many bumps. Bumps, not humps. Bumps. Malas. Nakaheels pa naman ako. It was literally hell walking through the road and the gravity and heat were really bringing down my spirits. I almost headed back.

Buti na lang malayo na ang nalakad ko at naisip ko na sayang naman yung nilakad kong napakahabang daan ng lubak kung babalik lang pala ako. Shempre, tumuloy na ako. Sa tagal kong maglakad, inabutan na ako ng lintik na araw. Ang init. Buti na lang dala ko yung pamaypay ko.=P

I arrived at the church just in time to see them get christened with the oil thingy. I sorta caused a scene because everyone was seated and everything and I came walking down one of the aisles in my heels, strutting my ass. I went through the bumps and the heat and the gravity to be there. I wasn't about to let a couple of staring faces stop me! Besides, I love the attention.=P

There couldn't have been a prouder sister/Catholic in the whole church. I swear I actually felt like they won an award or something.=P Weird, but weird is my normal.=P

.::end::.

I have forgotten how good it feels to be inside the mall! My brother and I went to the mall yesterday just to sort of hang (coz we didn't have any money. Wait, he did have money. I'm the one who was broke.=P). Anyway, we went to the department store coz I wanted to look for those nice clip thingies they use at the salon when they blow dry your hair. I found them and right beside them were curlers, the itty-bitty ones they use (still at the salon.=P) to curl your hair. I am such an impulse buyer that I bought the damn things (and to think I didn't have money.)! Of course I wouldn't forget to buy nail polish.=P It's what I live for. Well, not exactly, but you get the point I'm sure.=P

We were headed back home and I couldn't help but try the curlers on. Shitness. Ang hirap magka-crush sa isang bagay. *sigh* To tell you honestly, I almost regretted buying the curlers. Then when I took the curler off, my brother said "Shit! That look works for you. It's better than your usual pulled back style." *sigh of relief* Yes! Even if I'm an impulse buyer, I'm not the kind that ends up regretting buying whatever it is that they bought.=P

I do regret buying the nice clip thingies coz they ended up clipping cookie bags. Nice. How am I supposed to use that for my hair?!=P

Tomorrow, I'm going to do my nails!=P Or maybe I'll wait for my best friend to get back. She hates it when I color my nails. *evil laugh* Retribution is always good.=P Tagal niyang nawala ah!=P

.::end::.

I was asked to clean my room (My room's so messy I don't let anyone inside. They could get lost in there!=P That's why I always entertain visitors in the living room, although some insist on seeing my room. Hindi pwede!=P) so that I could get of all the rubbish (In my defense, they are not rubbish. They're just... erm... messed up memorabilia.=P) that was eating up the space in my room. I was told that if I don't get rid of the rubbish, I must put them somewhere other than where they currently are. Parents can be such bullies.=P

I was rummaging through my old wallet (looking for unwanted pictures and such that I could throw away. Figured I might let go of everything in one go.=P) and I found the ring I used to wear when I was "married" (I use the term loosely.=P) to my ex. It was all stained from storage (or neglect. Either is fine.=P) and everything, and the thought of throwing it away crossed my mind more than once. I couldn't do that. Or maybe, I couldn't gather up the courage to do it. I felt, and still feel, that the ring is one of the few things I have that remind me of the love that we had. (Drama.=P) I decided that the first thing I'd do when I wake up the next day is look for the metal polish (I didn't know that you could clean jewelry with metal polish until Irene told me. Thanks baby girl!=P) and try to make it

shine

.

I did clean it and it looks as good as it did when I first wore it. I could almost swear that my ex is as present as the ring around my finger (Yup, I'm wearing it. I can't help myself!=P). *sigh* I, however, am not wearing it around my left ring finger like I used to. I feel that... well... I shouldn't. So I'm wearing it on my right hand's ring finger.=P I'm a sucker for that kinda thing, so sue me.=P

My room's clean as ever now. I semi-promised that I'd keep it clean. I don't want to have to do that thing again.=P

I've been thinking, though, about how sometimes, even if we really want to get rid of some things, we just can't. It's always hard on us because we have to deal it every single day of our lives just because we can't gather up the courage to throw it away. But then I realised that some things are not meant to be thrown away because those things are supposed to remind us of the important things that happened in the past, and, in the process, teach us the valuable lessons of life. (Drama. Isipin mo, singsing lang un ah.=P) I guess that's why it's okay that I wear the ring. Maybe when the lessons have stuck to me enough, and when I'm absolutely ready, I'll take the ring off.

Taggers
Ice: Erm, better get that cd burning quick. You don't want to miss me.=P God bless!
PamS: Hey what's up? You sound a bit upset (or you could be excited. It's hard to tell without the smileys.=P). I wanna hear from you soon, okay? Take Care always.
Gothicfury: You can just use GothicFury if you want.=P I'd know that it's you naman eh.=P
kitten posted @ 5:31 AM |



Today is yet another happy day. Life is good - for now. Or maybe today is better than the other days I've had lately.

(Forgive me if I won't give specific names. I don't feel like doing so.=P Anonymity is good.)

Ice cream is good for you, especially when you're upset. I know this for a fact because I was upset just a while ago and my brother was kind enough to hand me a cup of ice cream. Yum. Maybe ice cream doesn't mean anything to you. But when you eat ice cream when you upset, the sweetness of it reminds you of how life is still good and that life will never leave you without pleasure, and while the ice cream melts in your mouth, you can almost feel all your sorrows melting away with it. The sweetness and the coolness of it all is a metaphor on life. (This is what sugar does to me. I'm no poet, but *sigh* things as good as ice cream transform me.)

You know what's even better than ice cream? No calorie-count!=P I felt that I should pamper myself, even if it's just for today, for all the miseries I've been having lately. And I felt that it's simply not right to deprive myself of the things that make me happy at a time like this. Maybe when my life starts fixing itself (although I doubt that it will do that on its own =P) I'll lay off the sweets na ulit. Mahirap nang tumaas ulit ang blood sugar. No matter how good sweets are, diabetes is never a good deal for it.

I made one of those two-frame cartoons you draw in your notebooks when you're bored. It had a girl who was rolling her eyes.=P It was cute as hell and I thought it was pretty funny. Made my dearest brother smile.

I miss that. I miss making him smile. And my heart was warmed by that. When I have time, maybe I'll draw some more two-frame cartoons. (Right now, I'm wondering whether he was smiling because the cartoon was good or because it was bad or maybe he thought i was being stupid.=P)

I made someone else smile today, but I can't tell you who (Sorry. Can't post it here. You can ask me through YM though.). Anyway, it felt good. Really good. For a minute there, I felt special. I'm glad I still have that effect on people. I thought I've lost that kind of magic, but I guess I thought wrong.=P I'm happy that I made someone happy, or at least, smile. Wow, it's all just a wheel of joy.=P (Hey, that can be a name of a future game show. LOL. *sings to the tune of Wheel of Fortune* It's the wheel of jo-oy...=P)

"hey, i hope you don't mind me reading your blog.. read that you're gonna migrate in the u.s.. just wanted to say that im praying that all of your dreams will still come true, and i believe that they will.. god i believe, gives the most obstacles to people who he believes can grow and make a difference after overcoming such trials.. i have no doubt in my mind that you're one of those people, like me lol! anyway, be safe ayt? don't make me worry bout you lol"

Someone sent me this message through YM. It made me feel good. I feel that God sent me, in the absence of my best friend, someone to remind me that this too shall pass, and once it's over everything's gonna be great.

To you, if you're reading this, thank you. It is because of people like you that I stay sane. Beyond that, it is because of people like you that I know good people do exist. There are only a few on my list. You are one of them.

I miss my best friend. Uwi ka na kasi! Patravel-travel pa kasi eh! Pasalubong ko ah.=P

I had another discussion with someone about how I want to be the president of the Philippines. Some dream, eh? I must be crazy!But I really want to be the president of the Philippines because there's so much to complain about, and I must be the change I want to see in the world. Anyone can complain, but only a few have the courage to do something about it.

*sigh* Thing about is it that I want to be the president, but I don't get to decide on whether I will be the president or not. The masses do. I know another aspiring president who already has a head start. She (Yep, the other aspiring president's a girl too.) decided to go into media first. Smart, eh? Get exposure through the media, and then run for politics. It's a classic!=P Bet she's gonna be the president one day.=( wait, I'm suposed to be saying that about me!

Anyway, I already thought about this and I figured If I ever do get into politics, president or not, I'll probably be without a family. I think I've already said how most of our poloticians go bad (And bad is an understatement.=P) because they want so much to provide for their families, but the salary deprives them of the chance to do that. I don't want to be a bad politician. If anything, I want to be the best that there ever was.

*crosses finges* Bahala na si God!=P

.::end::.

What do you think is the hardest job in the world?

I was thinking about this a while ago and I came up with a weird but justified answer. It must be hard to be a mascot.

Here's a list of why it must be hard to be a mascot. I'll discuss them later.

1. Costume


2. Annoying kids


3. Pay

Okay. Now, don't get me wrong. Mascots are cute. They really are! But underneathe that is person who, by some unfortunate circumstance, is "trapped" inside. If you've ever tried touching a mascot, you'll find that they're pretty soft. Layers over layers of stuffing. No matter where you live, wearing layers of anything traps heat. Can you imagine how hot it is in that costume? (I'm shivering at the idea.) To make matters worse, you can't take off the friggin' costume. You have to wear it until the thing (I'm being inarticulate again.) is over, even if you're literally dying of the heat. Talk about occupational hazard.

Another down side to the costume is that its so big. My guess is that the mascot bumps into more things when he's wearing the costume. And what if you get stuck with an ugly costume? OMG. Too bad.

Annoying kids. If you were a kid once, you'd know how the big kids'll always say that there's a real person inside the mascot. Now, that's okay coz there really is a real person inside the costume. What's not okay is that these kids come up to the mascot and shake and kick and punch and bite and climb the poor thing. And when I say shake and kick and punch and bite and climb, I mean shake and kick and punch and bite and climb. And what's worse is that the kids who come up to poor guy do that while shouting "Hindi ka naman totoo eh. Tao lang naman an eh. Tao lang naman yung nasa loob niyan eh." Imagine the experience. Another occupational hazard.

Now we come to the most annoying part, the salary. I found out that here in the Philippines, the mascots get paid Php 500.00 per party. That's per party. That means if you only have one party to go to for the week, that's all you're gonna get. In my opinion, the poor things (I think I mean people.=P) are really not compensated for work they do. It's a good thing we don't have to see the faces of the people inside the mascot. If we could, we'd probably see them frowning.

I'm being weird, I know, but I think there's no job harder than a mascot's. I should start an support group.=P

PS The player's down, I think. Sorry about that. It's a problem with the server. Enjoy yourselves with the entries na lang.=P

.::end::.

As of 7.59pm [that's right now] my dearest Anti-virus has only scanned half the files it's supposed to scan. My computer hasn't been running well and I figured I must have caught some virus so I'm scanning.

Anyway, I have nothing to do right now so you'll have to forgive me because the romantic me is about to step-in...

Don't you just love the rain? It is another one of Nature's poetry.

I always love it when it rains. It always reminds me of the day I fell in love with... well, I can't tell you who. Anyway, the drops of water, as they fall from the sky, never fail to remind me of that fateful day under the rain. *sigh* *play Tuwing Umuulan at Kapiling Ka by The Eraserheads*

The rain is just so beautiful. It's always gentle and cool, and it always holds the promise of a brighter tomorrow. Today was the best day to rain, and it did.

You know what else I love about the rain? The pitter-patter. It's like a whisper of ILU (Yun naman pala. ILU naman pala kasi. Sinasabi ko na nga ba't inlab ako.=P). It's just loud enough to let you know it's there. And sometimes, it's even a song, a lullaby that rocks me to sleep.

I love staying under the rain. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or what I'm wearing. Whenever I get the chance to stay under the rain, I do. I find it comforting, even therapeutic. It is when I feel I am most one with myself and with everthing around me. And you know what, the rain literally drowns all my pains. *sigh*

Sometimes when I can't go out into the rain, I just watch it through windows. I love the way it hits the glass and rolls down... It's almost like it's crying. Aww.
kitten posted @ 7:51 PM |



I finished reading Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman today. Let me tell you, Gaiman is a genius. But I won't tell you the story. I don't like to spoil things like that.

I thought I wanted this. I thought I wanted a nice, normal life. I mean, maybe I am crazy. I mean maybe. But if this is all there is, then I don't want to be sane. You know?

Having read that from the book, I started to think about my life. Lately, my life has not been anything I've wanted. It's not in a million years what I wouldn've wanted. But what if what I wanted was given to me and then it turns out that I don't want it? (I think people like that are called fickle.=P) I think the problem with me, and maybe the rest of the world =P, is that I'm always discontent. Nothing is ever good enough for me, even when it really is. Even the statement "good enough for me" is wrong. Me. Me. Me. It's always about me and how I want to get what I want. OMG.

It wasn't until today that I started to think about how moving was really a good thing (though I still have doubts if it's good for me =P) for my family.

1. We could use the change. Everything in our life has turned into routine.
2. My mom can spend my grandma's remaining days (Okay, my grandma is still as strong as an ox, but I just don't know how to put it. *headdesk*) making up for lost time.
3. We can do some evangelization. Our relatives need to be evangelized.=P
4. And many more... (Sorry. I ran out of good things, but I figured there must be more. *shrugs*)

That having been said, I have decided to just go with the flow for once. I'm always the rogue-everything, and maybe, just this once, I'll try doing some good to my family. I love them eh.=P

.::end::.

It's my brother's birthday today and I have never met anyone who abuses his birthday privileges as much as he does. Freak!=P Anyways, everything in this house has been done his way. He even gets extra TV turns (We have that in this house.=P It's a system we've devised so as to prevent remote and skull breakage.=P) and he gets to go out of the house as much as he wants. He even gets to pick the juice flavor we drink!=P Today, life is good to him. Humanda sha bukas. *evil laugh*

I'm happy he's happy. I love you Kuya! *huggie*

.::end::.

New songs!=P I added five songs to the original list. Although some are not mainstream, they're really good.=P Old school, but good. I pride myself in my choice of music.=P

PS Gaby, our book is going to have to wait. But we will write it. That's a promise.

PPS Tin, yeah. We're leaving. Sorry you had to find out through my blog. I guess I don't have courage enough to tell you in person.

PPPS Ice, I'll miss you too. *mwuah* Pero matagal pa naman yun, so thank God.=P
kitten posted @ 6:41 AM |



I so hate my life right now.

First, this week is supposed to be the week I march my ass non-stop to UP to complete the cursed requirements. Unfortunately, and special thanks to my mom, I didn't do that. I won't do that and I never will do that. (Thanks mom, or should I call you the Anti-mom?) Everytime I mope about this migrating stuff, I get over it in an hour or so and then I get reminded about it and I end up moping again. All my plans for my life as of today have been ruined. I am about to start a sequence of me being verrry pessimistic. I suggest that you don't read on.

Can I just say that my parents are ruining my plans? The plans I have worked out since the day I realised what I want t do with my life? My god, can you see how this is all a conspiracy to prevent me from self-actualization (Well, maybe not self-actualization, but it sounds so good with what I have to say.=P)? Am I the only one on this planet who feels that s/he is being pushed to the limit? As of 10.01pm, the answer is yes. I sooo hate my life. Can I just please runaway from all of this? It seems so much... easier.

My best friend in the whole wide world abandons me to go on a wonderful trip all over Asia. Yeah. Now that's the kind of friend I need. Someone who is not there when you need her the most. *sigh* Sorry, girl. I love you and all. With all my heart, even. But I need you right now, and you're... nowhere.

My brother and I fought. Yep. We fought coz I gave my mint condition turfs to my other brother. Excuse me? I don't recall you, Mr. Deonaldo, ever asking for it from me. And he *points to other brother* wants it so I gave it to him. So sue me. But I'm not angry. I'm sad. We're alright now, but something he said poked my stomach on the inside. He said "api" daw sha sa'ming magkakapatid... Shit. I wanted to tell him that he was wrong, but I couldn't. I just sat there, absolutely powerless to change the fact na, oo nga, api ka nga sa'ting tatlo. I've always thought of my family as perfect. I mean we do have our differences, but that doesn't mean we don't love each other. It wasn't until he said it that I thought about how unlikely it is for our family to be the perfect family I hope for it to be. Or maybe everything's going wrong because of this migrating thing. Whoever came up with the idea anyway?! Stupid person. *grumbles*

I'm crying now. Not because I'm sad. But because I can't do anything but sit here and waste away. I wish I could get out of this house right now and just... fade. Even for just a minute (if that is at all possible).

There's no worst feeling than powerlessness. I'm so powerless that I can't even say to them I feel powereless. I mean, I have never done anything, anything at all, so bad that I would deserve to have all the things I love taken away from me. Especially at a time that I'm most attached to it. I mean, I have a life here. I have great friends, a great school, a wonderful home... There's probably nothing more I could ask for. Yet they're, or more appropriately, she (i.e. The Anti-mom) has already begun her mission to take all of that away from me. *mumbles to self* Mom, I love you. Stop ruining my life before I start ruining yours.

When people ask me how I feel about us leaving, I always tell them that I'm sure it'll be alright. That I would absolutely love it there. That my future will be even greater than I could ever imagine. But all of it is just crap that I wish were true. All of it is just trash I say so that maybe it will alright and that maybe soon enough if I repeat it enough times, I will start to believe it myself. Pathological liar ka ba?=P

*sigh* You know how they say you should never keep your feelings bottled up inside you soon enough it's going to explode? They're right. I'm having one of those explosions right now. And it's nice to be the only person in the room coz I can cry my eyes out. But then I suddenly wish I could just hold everyone I love for 10 seconds just to feel that they are there, and to let them know that I'm here.

Sometimes in a person's life, you try to take a step forward but instead you take a step back. I hope that this isn't one of those times.

PS Athem of Our Dying Day by Story of the Year is such a great listen-to.
kitten posted @ 10:47 AM |



I was watching Hey Arnold! a while ago and the topic was pretty interesting. It ws the episode where Lila thought Arnold liked her liked her. Hmm, it wasn't a pretty episode coz it was pretty much mixe up. Before the end, Arnold said "It's weird how when you like someone and they don't like you back, it's not that bad. But when you lke them like them and they just like you, it stinks." I couldn't agree more.

Why does it stink? Something to think about...

.::end::.

Magmamigrate na kame. I was trying to write it in a way that would somehow make it easier to take, but I've got nothing. We're leaving in July. Salamat naman sa mga parents ko for ruining my life. Special thanks to my mom.

.::end::.

THROUGH THE FIRE
Chaka Khan
(D. Foster/T. Keane/C. Weil)

I'd look in your eyes and I can see
We've looked so dangerously
You're not trustin' your heart to anyone

You tell me you're gonna play it smart
We're through before we start
But I believe that we've only just begun

When it's this good there's no saying no
I want you so, I'm ready to go

Through the fire
To the limit, to the wall
For a chance to be with you
I'd gladly risk it all
Through the fire
Through whatever come what may
For a chance of loving you
I'd take it all the way
Right down to the wire
Even through the fire

I know you're afraid of what you feel
You still need time to heal
And I can help if you'll only let me try

You touched me and somethin' in my knew
What I could have with you
Well I'm not ready to kiss that dream goodbye

When it's this sweet there's no saying no
I need you so, I'm ready to go

Through the fire
To the limit, to the wall
For a chance to be with you
I'd gladly risk it all
Through the fire
Through whatever come what may
For a chance of loving you
I'd take it all the way
Right down to the wire
Even through the fire

Through the test of time

Through the fire
To the limit, to the wall
For a chance to be with you
I'd gladly risk it all
Through the fire
Through whatever come what may
For a chance of loving you
I'd take it all the way
Right down to the wire
Even through the fire

To the wire
To the limit
Through the fire
To whatever
Through the fire
To the limit
Through the fire
To whatever

To the wire
To the limit
Through the fire
To whatever
Through the fire
To the limit
Through the fire
To whatever

I love this song.
kitten posted @ 11:09 PM |



Okay, whoever you are, I know where you're from and I can and might and will ban you from my site. I've thought about it and i figured since you hate it so much, you'd keep yourself out of my way all on your own. If I ever hear any profanity and/or obscenity from you again, I will do everything in my power to block you from entering my site EVER again. Thank the Lord I am in a good mood right now. I am not about to lose my temper on you. ZEN.

To those who keep a close watch on my "adventures" I'm sorry about that. That guy just pisses me off so much. You can read his tag in my tagboard, and tell me if you're not pissed. By the way, if you're going to tag in the near future, please avoid anonymity for I will block you, too, if you're not careful. However, you may use nicks and the like that I am familiar with.

PS I don't threaten. I do.

PPS To Anonymous, if you hated my blog so much, why'd you stay for 10 minutes and 6 seconds? (Yup, I know how long you were browsing through my pages.) You spend a pretty long time looking at something you hate so much. Somehow, I don't believe you. Deep inside, I know you like it. If you hate it, stay out. No one's forcing you to go into my thoughts. And just for the record: Go to Hell, you nasty-ass freak..

PPS If you need stress relief, I know games that will do th trick. Don't take it out on my blog. There are children who visit this site.
kitten posted @ 4:35 AM |



Disclaimer: The content of this entry is purely opinion. Any fights, resentment and any and all negativity experienced after reading hte entry is not the responsibility of the author.
The people in the text other than Mr. DJ Palestroque and Mr. Carl Vitug are anonymous. Any resemblance in behavior, appearance and/or language use is not intentional.
Author was in the influence of caffeine and/or sugar during the making of this entry. Don't take the entry too seriously.

I went to Carl's place today to practice for a competition we're joining on the twenty-eighth of this moth. This was yet another chance to hang with the guys, and I don't think I need to tell you that I have missed them so much. I mean, it's been a while since we played for a crowd. I think that was around first week of April, so basically it's been a month.

It was great seeing Kuya DJ and Carl again. They never fail to cheer me up, even when I'm upset about the most dreadful things. They are like the big brothers I always wish I had, but never did. (Drama ko ah.=P)

We were there a bit early and by the time the clock ticked three, we were almost done. Carl had to leave and get his brother, so DJ and I were left in the house. And he told me a couple of things that he thought I should know.

You know what he said? He said that the people in YFC are plastic. I couldn't say anything. I would be lying if I said it wasn't true, but I didn't have the courage to tell him to think otherwise because I knew that what he said was as real as the sky is blue.

It pains me to write this. Nakakainis. Bakit ganon? Naturingang Youth for Christ tapos ganon kung umasta? Nakakahiya sa mga taong hindi kabilang sa YFC kasi nasisira agad yung image namin sa kanila, pero mas nakakahiya kay God. I don't think we're living up to what He intended this organization to be.

Sa totoo lang, mahirap kasi na maging pantay-pantay sa YFC. I was thinking about this while I was on my way home and I figured that there are many things wrong, I mean not right about YFC and the people in it.

The organization has too many leaders. Soon, the leaders make a ladder to get to the top. Before you know it, everyone is climbing.

It's too patriarchal. I'm no sexist, but I know that women are as capable as men, especially in leadership. Unfortunately, the brothers are given more opportunities to lead.

The people are too,erm, touchy. People are sooo okay with co-ed hugging and co-ed kissing that other people are getting the impression that YFC is just a big soiree. It's not, but the people are turning it into one. (As a amatter of fact, I know a number of people who used and are using YFC to meet girls and boys that they can date.)

The people pretend to be something they're not whenever they're in YFC. (My bandmates and I have seen people go from "I-shall-never-smoke" to "I-shall-never-smoke-when-and-only-when-I-am-in-YFC". The same goes for booze, drugs and sex.)

The people who are of no use/value are usually not part of the "in-crowd" and wind up not attending. Honestly, I understand that. Who amongst us feels alright with being left out? I myself would rather not attend.

Uso ang bakstaban. (Ew. I hate the way typed that.) Sa sobrang pagka-uso niya, malingat ka lang ng isang saglit eh sira na ang career mo sa YFC. Sa sobrang uso niya, you can trace most of the worst junk from waaaay up in the ladder. Shitness.

Nobody pays any attention to the problems that are posed. I've been in YFC since 1999 (Yes, alamat na ako sa YFC dahil sa sobrang tagal ko na.=P) and the problem was alread existent then. I guess everyone's too busy with their masquerade that they don't have time to care about, and I quote, "something innocent". Tss. Yeah right.

He wasn't the first to tell me this, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be the last. I'm sure I'll be hearing more complaints from other people. I just hope that by the time I leave this organization, it's all over. I have plans on how we're going to remedy all these things, but as of now they are merely plans. Only tomorrow can tell if they'll ever really happen.

Anyway, he asked me if I ever experienced those things - plastikan, bakstaban, and the like. And I said, no. And he looked surprised. How could I not experience such when I've been in the org for six years? Simple. You pose yourself as if you have no value and/or use but act as if you do. The people get confused on whether they'll leave you out or let you join in, and they end up letting you do what you want. They have a hard time classifying you so they leave you alone. *evil laugh* I can be sooo twisted sometimes, but it has worked so far. And God has brought me places.

PS I really need to get the friggin' job. We won't be able to record our album without the money...
kitten posted @ 6:58 AM |



I think I might have already found a job. I talked to my cousin a while ago and she gladly said she's helpme get work at the network she's working for. She said that my command of the English language would make the job easy-peasy for me. YEAH!

Of course, there's one problem: I still don't know how to make a resume. I already made one, and it's all ready for printing, but I don't think it meets the standards expected from a Knoller. =P anyway, I'm excited as hell because I've been looking forward to this all summer long! Booyeah!=P

Funny, the first thing she asked me was whether my mom knew I was looking for a job. I guess she figured she better ask me first because it's not exactly a good idea to hire someone who won't show up for work coz she's not allowed.=P

Waah. I'm sooo excited. I'll keep you posted.=P
kitten posted @ 10:48 PM |



I am bored to death. Well, not literally, of course. (Kitten, don't be stupid. They know that.=P)

I am annoyed at my family. I love them, never think otherwise. I just wish that sometimes they'd think about what I want. They're always busy making decisions for me that when I speak up to say what I want they don't listen anymore. It's like I have lost my voice in this family. I hate that. I'm outspoken. I am vocal. But right now, I'm mute. And, God, I wish I were deaf too, so that I wouldn't have to hear them talk about me as if I weren't there. And while I'm making wishes I'm sure won't come true in the near future, I wish I were blind so that I wouldn't have to see their faces of love, coz it breaks my heart to see them wanting the best for me and my future, and yet, forgetting about me.

I was thinking about running away. You know, go to a friend's house for a couple of days or something. But I wouldn't be doing it coz I hate them or anything. I'd be doing it to take a break from everything. If I don't I'll lose my mind, if I haven't already lost it.=P I then realised that all my friends are out of town and no one will be able to roof me. Too bad. I nearly packed my bags.=P

I need a job. I need a job so that I could get money. I need to get money so that I could get a place where I could live/stay for a couple of weeks. I need a place to stay for a couple of weeks (other than my home) so that maybe my family will get a waker-upper and think about how they've been torturing me for the past two weeks. Heck, at the rate they're doing it I doubt I'll live to be twenty. =P

I was thinking about slitting my wrists. I figured that since it's a cry for help kinda thing, my family would figure out they're doing something wrong--very wrong. But I haven't done that in ages and I'm not about to give up nearly four years of no slits for one lousy problem. (Did I just say lousy? Coz if I think it's lousy, why am I spending all this time writing about it?) And I'm outta practice.=P I don't wanna die, I just want to cry for help, minus the crying.=P

Argh. I've been saying it for days, and I'll say it again. I hate being me.
kitten posted @ 4:27 AM |



Last night, I had decided to let go of my N5510 so that I could get myself a better phone. When I say better I mean something more suited to my needs. Believe me, it wasn't easy making that choice, but I guess you just have to do some things, even if you don't want to.

It's a shame, you know. I mean, why can't I just have three phones? I mean, it'd be great to have three phones!=P I could have one for the radio and mp3, one for SMS, MMS and calls and the other one for games. LOL.

Then I realised that if I were to have three phones, it will be too much of an injustice to my phones and other people. See, it's hard managing a number of phones. You have take care of them all and stuff. And it's not just once that you do it. You have to take care of your phones for the rest of, erm, eternity. Mehn. And it's an injustice to other people. Some people don't even eat a proper meal and the money that could have been used to get them food was used to get me another phone. Ugh. It's just so selfish. I refuse to be that kind of person. LOL. It's just not me.

Sigh. I guess that's how it is in this life. It doesn't matter if we're talking about clothes, or food, lovers (ahem, mind you, lovers. LOL.) or phones. Before you can get another one of anything, you have to let go of something else. I mean, sure, you can choose not to let go of your clothes, for example, but sooner or later, that closet's gonna seem a little smaller than you remember and the inevitable would happen. That's just the way it is, and it's sad when you have to get through with it. And just a thought: If it were possible to avoid that situation, it wouldn't be called inevitable.=P

I'm still not ready to let go of my phone. I mean, I have been through so much with it. Do you remember the story about the time I left my phone in a trike I rode and still got it back? I still hear myself sigh with relief whenever I recall that story. I guess I'm really that attached to it, although I shouldn't be.=P

When people said everything comes with a price, I didn't think that this is what they meant.=(

.::end::.

WARNING: Content may be profane and/or obscene. Parental guidance is not advised.

Yesterday, Cara and I had a blast laughing AT people, and it felt good. Really good. I mean, I was smiling, like, the whole time. Even my brother noticed it. If you wanna know what/who were laughing about, IM me. I think the person we were laughing at deserves a little bit of respect, even if I had already violated the little respect I had for her, I mean, it.=P

Langya, ang saya mang-away ng nang-agaw ng laboomz mo. *evil laugh* Kahit na hindi nila naririnig na inaaway mo sila, ang sarap parin.=P Shitness. You can joke about the way they look or behave, and you wouldn't feel bad for a split second. *evil laugh*

But what's even better than making fun of the girl who stole your man is hearing someone tell you that you're better than the girl. And I know that (Kapal ko talaga. LOL.). It's just good to hear it from someone other than myself. LOL.

Pero naisip ko, poor bitch. Poor, nasty-ass bitch. No one deserves that kind of private humiliation from us. (My friends and I are the worst kind of critics. We're the kind that make people wanna die. LOL. You don't want to get on our nerves. All of us can sting, and together... *evil laugh and lightning sequence*)

Then I get another epiphany: Langya, inagaw niya asawa ko. Dapat lang na awayin namin sha, putek. If she had any decency, any decency at all, she wouldn't have done such thing. The nerve. *rolls eyes*

Yet another epiphany: This is not me. I'm not usually all rude and stuff. I'm usually very nice. I guess I just hate it when people take away the things I love and treat it as if it were theirs from the beginning. And what I hate even more than me being like this is that it's been *counts with fingers* months (God knows how many.) since it happened, and I can still feel some pain. I guess I loved him more than I thought I did. *headdesk*

If you're reading this and you're thinking of stealing somene's man, don't. Don't do it. And take my word for it. And don't make it look like he broke it off with her to be with you. Coz he could break it off with her to be with you, he could break it off anytime with you to be with someone else.

PS Di na ko na sha mahal. Hindi lang talaga ako makapaniwala na may makakagawa sa akin nun. Lalo na siya. I guess I overestimated him.
kitten posted @ 11:50 PM |



I hate myself right now. Really. I hve never hated myself this much in the past. I'm not really in the mood to tell you why, but I will anyway. I just need to get this pain (literal) out of me.

My phone recently got confiscated by my ever-so-loving parents. I, naturally, have nothing else to do coz I ran out of internet and have no phone. Some life. Anyway, I figured instead of doing nothing, I'd do crunches. Sounds great, right? not in my case.

My brother coaxed me into doing 500 crunches which I figured was a pretty large number. I was sooo bored to death that I actually did the actual 500 cruches while in front of the television set. After that, I was a bit tired, but I knew I would live.

When I woke up this morning after my very short nap, I was expecting excruciating pain. But there wasn't any -- until I got up. Damn, my tummy hurt and, God, it hurt bad. As of the moment, I can't sit-up straight and laugh my heart out. The pain is just too much.

Here I go again with my stupidity. I can't believe this. I'm so stupid AND bored that I'm actually willing to do that kind of stuff, which I don't usually do, btw. Hmm, my brother's gonna hear from me, as soon as his hang-over's gone. *evil laugh*

On the upside, 500 crunches is what Britney Spears usually does. Yeaboi! Kidding aside, I'm actully thinking about making 500 my usual number. Of course, I'd start doing that after the pain in my tummy's gone.

PS To the people who visit my blog, please sign my tag board. I've seen some interesting paths, mostly from places I didn't think my blog reached (i.e. US, Australia, Germany), and I would love to hear from you guys. Thanks.
kitten posted @ 5:57 AM |



I went to my friend's going-away party last night and I honestly had a blast. It was sort of a gathering for us neighbors and we talked and laughed and ate as much as we could.

I went home a little later (coz they were starting to get a little drunk =P) and while I was walking home, I realised that this wasn't the first or the last going-away party I'll go to. See, almost everyone is leaving the Philippines. Soon enough, everyone will be in Canada, Australia and USA, and ther won't be anyone left here. Nakakalungkot isipin na sa ganda ng bansa natin, nag-uunahan tayong umalis, samantalang yung mga dayuhan ay nagkakandarapang pumunta dito.

I spoke to my friend before and she said "Sige, magpuntahan kayo lahat sa States! Iwanan niyo na ako dito, mga walang-hiya kayo." She made it sound like a joke, but I'm sure she was serious. Lahat kasi ng mga kaibigan niya, isa-isa nang nag-aalisan sa Pilipinas.

I wonder exactly how hard it is to earn a living here. Can't be that hard, can it? I mean, it must be hard, but not that hard...
kitten posted @ 7:23 PM |