I am so tired. I need a day off. But Emilee hasn't been too keen on giving me one and I, wanting to get that promotion so badly, have not and will not complain.

My muscles are aching, my head is throbbing from all the auditing and my spirit has been crushed, but I can almost taste that promotion. Yeah. I said I want to stay a cashier, but now I don't... because I want to buy a car! And with every cent increased in my rate, I get one cent closer to my car.

Look at Kitten's dream car.

But then again, while I'm writing this, I'm wondering whether a car is worth all the trouble. It is, as you know, just a car. And maybe being more than a cashier means putting my dreams of college and professional life on hold... Isn't that the reason why I said no to the Queens offer in the first place? Rarr.

Bwisit kasi si Joey eh. Binigay pa kasi sa'kin yung flip-through nung Civic. Nainlove tuloy ako. Rallye red is my new favorite color. Lol.

But in all fairness, the 2007 Civic Si Coupe is a perfect match for me. Sabi nga ni Joey, "It's almost like the car was made for you. It's sporty, it's classy and it's sassy. It's everything you would have been if you were a car."

---------------
Bagong picture ni Candy. :) Hehe. Cute cute. Tomboy eh! Lol. Kaya mahal na mahal ko siya eh. Lol.



Don't ask me how she did it. Hindi ko rin alam. Basta ang galing. Tapos ang funny. Tapos... *sigh* Ewan.

Yesterday, we were so happy because homosexual marriages finally have the same rights as heterosexual ones here in New Jersey. Yep. So we were celebrating (just because it was a good thing in general) and I wanted her to pass by the store. So I was working, that was around 4 I think, when my phone starts to vibrate and I'm like Who's this? And I look at my phone and it's her. I go Hey baby. What's up? And she goes I can't pass by the store anymore. My bus came. and I just say Okay then. Bye. I then close my register so that I can give Mai her fund and I can go home. Sooobrang nalungkot ako. I've been so busy lately that this was supposed to be our time together.

I went straight to the office and counted Mai's change fund. I was all alone in the office and I couldn't leave my sales so I hollered for Mary. I told her to tell Mai that I already have the change fund. And Mary was like I think you should take that to Mai. She's really busy. and I go I can't leave the office. The week's sales are in here. and she goes Okay. Have it your way.

After a couple of minutes, Ray comes into the office and tells me to take Mai's fund to the counter and I do. I make the turn to the counter... and there she was, beaming at me. It was sooo sweet, you don't even know. You can't know.

I looked at her. No words were coming to me. She smiled this amazing smile and said to me I lied. My heart just melted. God.

I... I. I don't know. She's just... ewan. Ang bobo na ang sweet na ewan. Nakakatanga.

Tell me again, is it possible to be this in love?

Labels: feelings, love, thoughts

kitten posted @ 11:13 AM |



I'm squinting and holding my breath and just... waiting for some incredible miracle to happen and just save me from everything. I guess what they said was true: At some point, tears run out and all you can do is wait.

Love, work, creepy workmates who look at you when you're working, family, money, school (Or more appropriately, my lack of one)... It's too hard. Everything is just too hard.

Yesterday, I had a couple of customers who had kids with them and I couldn't stop myself from talking to these kids because I want to go back to being that carefree. Life is too beautiful to waste worrying about college and financial stability and love but I just can't help it.

*sigh*

I want to quit everything. I want to stop working, stop trying to earn a degree, stop loving. I want to just stop. Everything.

*screams* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Labels: feelings, thoughts

kitten posted @ 11:35 AM |



I don't understand why happiness must be such an elusive thing for me. I always get teased. Happiness comes then it leaves as quickly as it came, and I am left with nothing but a disappointed feeling at the pit of my stomach. Maybe that's because I expected it to stay this time. I wanted it to last for a change. But it never does. And I never learn.

---------------
This is the only thing that has gotten me through this week. Yet again, you prove yourself to be the sole reason I am here.

I bought Angel season3 for Candy. I've been bugging her to come by the store and see my "surprise". (The truth is, I wanted to break everything off that day. The dvd was supposed to be a parting gift.) I came in early that day, just because. Then she called me and told me she's coming in a little earlier than planned. No biggie, I thought. The sooner she comes, the sooner I can get this over with.

As expected, there were a lot of people in the store when she came in. Kee-tuhn. Hello, love. she said, and I couldn't stop myself from smiling. I looked up and said Gimme a sec. I just have to finish this. After everybody, I rushed to the office and got the dvd (Which, I put in this ugly Verizon bag because I don't have a small bag to put it into.).

When I came out of the office, she was looking at me like What the hell is it that you have for me now? and I start by saying I'm sorry. I don't have a bag for this. and I hand it to her and she was just... stunned. She was just staring at the package a held in my hand, completely at a loss for words. Take it. It's for you.

Oh, I could just eat you up. was what she said. And she ran to me, and held me tighter and closer than she ever had. She held me like she would never let me go and I made a silent wish that she never would... And I knew: I couldn't and I wouldn't stop loving Candy just because I was aching. I will go through the pain over and over and over again if it would mean I would see and make her that happy.

Okay. You can leave now. I said. And she was still squealing with delight. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen! I walked back to my register because Emilee was there. But instead of following me, she stayed there. Emilee! Emilee! Look what she got me. *koochie-koo voice* My baby. and she showed off her dvd. God, it gave me the most wonderful feeling in the world.

Then people started coming into the store so I was busy again, but Mai said Sige na. Ako na bahala dito. Tapusin mo na yung sa asawa mo. (Thanks Mai. You're my hero!) Candy's face was sooo red when she walked to my register.

Oh, Ki'en. Christmas came early this year. *gasp* I have to call all my friends! and she starts dialing away on her cell.

*sigh*

It wasn't long until she had to leave (because she was going to Gil's house to watch the dvd! *sigh*) And when she left, I told Mai, Did you see how happy she was? And Mai just beamed at me. And then I added, I would give anything to see her that happy again. And I would. I really, really would.

*sigh* God, I love her.

Labels: feelings, love, stories, thoughts

kitten posted @ 10:50 AM |



I am an artist.

Flirting is an art.

I am a flirt.

I love to flirt and I will continue to flirt.

Deal with it.

I know I have.

---------------
On the happiness scale, I'd say my life is on the 8.5 right now. And I am so scared. I am so afraid of going back to the days of 4s and 3s and 0s. This happiness - I want it, I need it. Life has been a complete bitch.

Please. I can't have her. Let me have this instead.

---------------
Boys are stupid. They are complete morons. Of course, there's the few that we are sooo proud of because they happen to be good looking, smart and chivalrous all at the same time (And some of those few are, unfortunately, gay. LOL). But the rest are idiots. Yuck.

I'm lucky to have found him. He's everything I want. He's probably too good to be true. But I like him. And I like having coffee with him. And I like sitting in his car. And I just... need someone this great, this real, this me in my world right now.

It's not even romantic or whatever. I just want something this wonderful because I want to believe that there is hope for my life yet; that perfection is attainable. And it is attainable, he tells me. And I, for some reason, believe him.

---------------
I think I'm getting fired. The first time I do something wrong and my boss has to be looking over my shoulder. Oh god. We are going to starve to death.

Labels: caffeine, feelings, me, stories, thoughts

kitten posted @ 11:14 AM |



Ever been high on chocolate? Try it. It's fun.

Mai and I got sooo high on chocolate last week; Ramil was about to hit us in the face. We couldn't stop laughing. :)

---------------
Okay. Funny.

We had a fire, as in FIRE, in the store last weekend. I'm kidding. The fire alarm just went off like crazy because, I think, the exhaust is effed up and all the carbon monoxide made its way to the detector.

Anyway, two fire trucks came to the store and everyone was panicking, which is honestly very stupid because there was no REAL fire. But yeah. Some of the people were scared because the alarm wouldn't stop. I guess some of them thought we were going to burn. Yun kasi yung sabi nung alarm.

What's funny is that when the people started panicking, our supervisor, Mr. Tony, started giving away free slushees to the people. LOL So funny. And what a waste! Imagine how much money we could have made just from selling ube and melon slushees. But the lure-them-in-with-slushees plan worked. :)

---------------
This story is one of those things where you had to be there but I'm telling it anyway.

It was Sunday and I was literally so, sooo pissed at the customers at the store. (One thing that sucks about working for Filipinos is that Filipinos are very difficult to please. Save that one for another story.) And then this young lady comes up at the register buying practically everything at the store. Mai was ringing her up and I was bagging everything that she was buying. When it was over, she looked me in the eye and said "Miss, this is for you." I looked down at the counter and saw what she was trying to pass to me. It read "Something is missing?"

Literal na nagdilim ang paningin ko. Pakiramdam ko hindi na ako makakahinga. Ewan ko ba. Parang okay lang na bigyan ako ng ganon. Pero yung timing kasi eh. Masama ang araw ko biglang may darating na "Something is missing?" thingy. Basta. Napikon talaga ako. Anyway, thanks to chocolate - the ultimate pacifier - I calmed down in a bit and I was okay.

Now, before we closed, some people came in, pahabol pa daw. So we let them in. And they bought this and that and afterwards, this lady comes up to the register (Am I an easy target?) and says to me "In case you're ever in need." and hands me this business card. When she went out the door, I read the card and it was for a salon. Yeah. Trying to tell me something? LOL

So. Something is missing? Yup. A trip to the salon.

*laughs like crazy* Eeeeeeeh, bah. I thought it was funny.

---------------
Again. Funny story.

It was super cold at the store last Friday. When Candy came by the store she was literally shivering. She was getting goosebumps all over her arms and legs (Which I honestly thought was sooo cute but whatever.) and I couldn't stop laughing. (Who goes out in the rain in shorts, huh?) Anyway, I was holding her and she goes "Oh my god. You're so warm." and I held her even tighter. Then she goes "Taisan, so soft and so delicate it melts in your mouth." and I'm like what?! And I turn around and I see that she read this description thing for taisan. And I go "I can't believe you're reading the description of taisan while I'm holding you!" And she starts giggling like crazy. And her laugh is sooo contagious I start laughing like crazy too. Am I like taisan? Wait. Don't answer that.

God, I love her. I do. :)

---------------
Speaking of how I love her...

She hung out the store (Actually, she just hung out at the register where I was.) that afternoon. Then she had to leave and I just left the store to walk her out.

"I love how you just walk out." she tells me. (Yeeaah. Score one for me. *smug*) And I just smile at her. I was walking with her and I just...

When we got to the bus stop she says to me "You look mad depressed." (That's because I was. You know how I said she's get fired? She did.) And she holds me. When she lets go, I hold her again. I don't know. Then, I just take her chin in my hand... and... I missed.

*sigh* Yeah. I'm out of practice. LOL

*buries face in pillow and screams* Somebody kill me.

I love her. But I'm crazy. And crazy is sooo unattractive.

*buries face in pillow and screams*

The ball is officially in her court.

---------------
Not everything in my life is a total tragedy. :)

Okay. It was Thursday when Mai and I started worrying that I was getting fired. I mean, they really don't have a reason to fire me. I am never late. I do what I'm told. I don't sit around like some folks. I am uber nice to the customers. Wala silang masasabi sa'kin. I am not a bad employee. But the thing is, when I came into the office that day to get some change for my register, Emilee asked me "How many credits to you need to finish college?" And I said "A lot. I plan on starting over." And then she says "When are you going back to school?" and I go "Maybe next year. In the fall." And then Eddy interrupts us because in the time that I was gone, there's already a pile up in the register so I had to leave. But before I left I asked her "Are you firing me?" (She's been firing a lot of people lately. I don't know why. But a lot of the "Pioneers" have already left.) And she answers me with "So you're not going back to school yet?"

I was sooo nervous. I need this job. What with Candy and my family (Unang-una talaga si Candy eh. Spoiled eh. LOL) to think about, I can't afford not to have a job. Lalo na ngayon, wala na ring job si Candy. Sa'kin na magpapabili yun ng mga abubot niya. LOL Ako naman kasi si Bili. LOL

Anyway, when I came in the next day, I asked Emilee why she was asking about college and she goes...

"We're opening a store and we need a manager in Queens..."

Okay. Everything after that? Background noise.

Unbelievable. So unbelievable.

I mean, me? A manager? Wow. And I'm only 19! Major wow. And I've only been working for them for a couple of months and they want to trust me with their second store here in the east? At the risk of sounding egoistic, I must be doing a fabulous job for them to love me this much. I am honestly very honored. Very, very honored.

But I had to say no. (Sige na, sige na, KJ na ako. Magsama-sama kayo ng mga kaibigan ko.) College is more important than being a manager of a store. At the end of the day it's not about how much money I made. It's whether I'm satisfied with what I have done. And college is first on my to-do list.

Emilee said they're going to put me at the bottom of their list (I'm still on it!) of potential managers, since I already said no. If they don't find anybody else suitable for the job they're going to ask me again, just in case I've changed my mind, which I won't.

You can't go to all the parties, but it's always nice to get an invitation.

(This is for you, hun. I told you. You make me want to be the best me. I love you.)

---------------
To Bantay, for you are a romantic, just like me.
Pablo Neruda's Sonnet 17
I do not love you as if you were the salt-rose or topaz,
Or the arrows of carnation the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
In secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms,
But carries in itself the light of hidden flowers.
Thank to your love, a certain, solid fragrance,
Risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride,
So I love you for I know no other way

than this; where I do not exist; nor you;
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand;
So close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

---------------


Is it you, hun? I'm crazy to think that this might be from you... But just in case it is, you're welcome, love. You're very welcome.

You have no idea how much I love you.

Labels: feelings, love, me, stories, thoughts

kitten posted @ 12:32 PM |



"I fooled around and fell in love."

Truer words have never been spoken. Well, not exactly. But for now, I would have to agree. I fooled around and fell in love and now look at me. I'm a mess.

She's getting fired today. Nice. No. Not nice. This means I won't be able to keep an eye on her as much as I would want. This means that she will be able to flirt with people without my knowing. This means that we won't have the same kind of "quality time" that we used to have. This means a lot more, and I'm afraid to think of them... They're too many and just too painful to think about. :(

I guess this is the end of a wonderful era. It was fabulous, but every song has to end.

Sabi ko nga, it will never work. I'm working over here and she's working somewhere else and she has to worry about college and A***** will be lurking around and messing up our lives... It's a tragedy waiting to happen. And I've had enough of those. Ayoko na.

But this is just me. I mean, she has to decide too, right? Or not right? *shrugs*

Bahala na si Batman.

Labels: love, thoughts

kitten posted @ 9:27 AM |



Again, no words...





I'm seeing her again today because we have to do her physics homework. I don't know if I'm up to it. But she needs me and I can't leave her hanging. I just can't.

The thing is, after what happened last night, I don't think I have the courage to look her in the eye again and act as if we're just friends. We were never really just friends to begin with, but last night, I crossed the line. And it's not like I'm not sorry because I am. I just wish I could remember what really happened so that I could apologize for what I did and what I said and mean it.


Lesson learned today: Never, EVER drink. Not when you're upset. Not when you're happy. Or drink but don't get drunk. Bad things happen when you're drunk and you always end up regretting them...

For someone who hates people who drink, I sure can get drunk. *headpalm*

*deep, deep breath*

The worst isn't over. The way I see it, it's only just begun.

---------------
I don't regret telling her. This just wasn't the way I wanted her to find out. Not when I'm drunk... God. No.

*heavy sigh*

---------------
I was reading my past entries (like months back) and I found, interestingly, a piece of advice I could use.

from *sigh* dated June 9, 2006
"PS If you want something badly, fight for it."

Talk about needing to take your own advice. *sigh*

---------------
Blogger Beta na nga pala ito. Wala lang. Kaya may tags na yung mga post, so you can read by tags. Ayus. Mabuhay ang Blogger Beta! Mabuhay! Labo...

Labels: love, thoughts

kitten posted @ 12:21 PM |



If you found that one person for you but had to give something up, what would it be?

Apparently for me, nothing. Not even my hair spray.

I am such a girl sometimes.

---------------
It is not the pain that keeps us from going after what we want but the fear of it.

---------------
Is it possible to fall so hard from so high and pick yourself up afterwards? Or is it more likely that you'll just make a mess of yourself and lose some of who you are in the end?

I am afraid of heights. Maybe it'll be better to just back away.

---------------
I am a person of deadlines. I love deadlines. I don't know why. I just do.

So.

Deadline: October 16th, 2006.

Two months of tears and more tears. Maybe it's about time...


14 days from today, it'll all be over. Moment of truth, baby. Just thinking about it sets me free.

*sigh*

Maybe it'll work out. If it doesn't, at least the worst is over.

---------------
I look at her and I think God, I love her.

Funny story. I was working yesterday and she walks in the room and I just find myself completely out of breath. Really. I was laughing and choking all at the same time!

And I haven't seen her in days and in front of all the customers, my boss, and everybody else, I couldn't stop myself from wrapping my arms around her, rubbing her back and saying How I've missed you. And she smiles, strokes my hair and says I have missed you too.

She didn't even have to say anything, really. All I needed was for her to stand beside me while her perfume lingers in the air and my day would instantly be fantastic.

But we had so much fun it was crazy. Work isn't supposed to be fun, but for some reason, it is when she's around.

Tell me, have you ever been this in love? Unbelievably, I-can't-stop-smiling, the-pain-is-all-worth-it in love? If you have, tell me, will it last? Or will it go as fleetingly as it came?

I love having her stand beside me. I might not have her to myself all the time but the moments when I do make every tear I cry worth it.

God, I love her.

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 12:58 PM |