Kagabi na siguro ang pinaka... Pinaka-lahat.

Pag may inuman talaga, meron at merong matatamaan.

Natamaan si Sunshine. Haha. Eh ano lang ba ang ininom niya? Dalawang SML. Hina... Pero ayun. Sabi ko, wala ka pala eh, dalawa lang may tama ka na. Sabay banat ba naman ng "Pag malungkot ka, mas madali kang matamaan." Ah, shusme.

Hinawakan niya nanaman yung kamay ko. At ipinatong nanaman niya yung ulo niya sa balikat ko. Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko at niyakap ko siya. Pinagtitinginan nga kami ng mga tao noon. At musta naman ang pagtitig ng nanay at tatay ko?! Papano ba namang hindi sila titingin eh... ayun. May laman nga kasi. Pero wala kaming paki alam nun... Sabi pa niya "Tinitingnan ako ng mga magulang mo. Inaalam siguro kung sino ako, pero wala akong pakialam." Hinahawakan niya yung mukha ko at nagsosorry... Tapos nagpapahug and nagpapakiss... Ako naman si hug... pero di ko siya kinikiss. Kasi ayoko yung fact na uminom siya...

Gusto ko na siyang umalis nun. Ayokong makasama siya dahil may tama siya. Wala siya sa sarili niya. Gusto ko lahat ng mangyayari sa'min, lahat ng sasabihin niya sa'kin, maaalala niya. Para... basta. Mahirap na. Tas sabi niya "Bakit mo ako pinapaalis?" At hindi ako makasagot...

Sabi ko ihahatid ko siya sa labas. Pababa na sana kami ng hagdan, aba'y hindi makababa! Hilong-hilo sha. :( Naiiyak na ako nun... Alam ko dahil sa'kin kaya siya uminom. Inaalalayan ko siya, pero alam mo naman, pride, kaya na daw niya. Musta naman ang katagalan niya sa pagbaba? Ayaw kasi magpaalalay eh...

Nung nakababa na kami ng hagdan, nilalambing niya ako. Nilalaro niya kamay ko at nilalaro ko rin yung kamay niya... Tas nakatayo lang kami. Tas maya-maya nagpapahug na ulit. Tapos lumalayo na ako kasi ayokong gumawa ng kahit anong ikasasama lang namin pareho. Pero ayaw niya bitawan yung kamay ko, at niyapos niya ako. Tapos nagpakiss siya ulit... Ayoko sana, pero whattheheck? May tama naman na yung tao kaya malay mo malimutan lang niya. Kaya ayun. Hinalikan ko siya sa pisngi. "Isa pa," sabi niya. Grabe, musta naman ang pagkalasing natin jan? Pero ayun, hinalikan ko siya ulit. Tapos sabi ko sa sarili ko "Pucha, Kitten, anung ginagawa mo?!" Kaya ayun, nilayo ko na ulit yung sarili ko sa kanya... Tapos sabi niya "Wag ka lumayo..." Inakap ko siya at sinabing "I love you and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry..."

Tapos aalis na sila at nagpahatid sa'kin. Ahoy. Ako naman si hatid. Tapos ayun, habang naglalakad kami sa labas, nilalaro niya ulit yung kamay ko tas nagpapahug ulit. Ayun, ako naman si hug. Tas muntik pa siyang dumirediretso dun sa parang slopey part kasi hilong-hilo nga siya. Ako naman si todo salo, dahil nga... May tama, at ako ang dahilan. :(

Tapos habang hinihintay namin yung taxi, hinawakan niya yung mukha ko and did the unthinkable...

How can something so wrong feel so right?

Shit.

And how can one possibly keep on falling and never hit the bottom?

kitten posted @ 5:04 AM |



Wow.

I couldn't sleep last night. I cried and cried some more. My eyes hurt and no matter how hard I tried to sleep, I couldn't get any. Darn.

Napagalitan pa ako ng best friend ko because she was here and I was crying. (Sorry, Bez. Promise, next time, hindi na. LOL.)

Some post-birthday yesterday turned out to be...

It was the letter. It was the gift. It was the presence.

It was the presence. It was the gift. It was the letter.

The presence... *sigh* That was the best. It was a day like no other. I got to hold the hand. I got to embrace the body. I got to kiss the cheek. I got to sit beside the one. I got to hear the voice. I got to see the smile. I got the chance to be happy.

The gift... *sigh* Nothing fancy. Just a cellphone chain. It was a note-shaped stainless thingy that read Moonlight on one side and Sunshine on the other. Could it have meant anything? Heaven knows.

The letter... Damn. I held it all the way home. I was trying to guess what was inside... I read the letter while I was with my best friend. I cried almost always in midsentence. I almost had an asthma attack. Everything that was there was true. Linger.

I needed to smoke but couldn't because my parents were around. I tried to sleep, I swear, but tough luck.

I came to school today with... nothing. Just music, lots of cigarette and a "reply" letter...

I felt bad, dammit. And my insignificant other was happy, as always. Damn, life's unfair.

I remember asking what it is that's supposed to happen to us. I didn't know. I'm always at the middle - the place I hate the most. I hate being lukewarm. I want things to be either cold or hot. We were then lukewarm.

I found out what it is that's supposed to happen to us... and got hurt again. I don't even know why I bother asking when I already know the answer... :(

I laid out my cards. Said I wouldn't have that no-commitment-but-loving relationship. I'd rather that we pretend we weren't friends at all. It was either we were or we weren't. It hurt me to say it... But because I really wanted to get away from this constant pain, there was no other way...

I saw the sadness in the eyes... My heart was breaking infinitely many times... How could I have done this?

I can't let you go... I can't believe it's okay for you to lose me just like that... What you want is extreme... I want you to be around... I can't not be your friend... The words I heard stung.

My heart was beating faster. My knees were getting weak. Damn. I was about to lose the deal...

We argued... We fought...

We were in Fort Santiago... Our first ever "date" was historic. Pfft.

I could say no more. I sounded silly, saying things over and over and over again, when I know my words were already understood... I had already said what I wanted. All that was left was for us to choose whether we'd be together or not...

We walked around. Played with each other's hands. Poked each other... Walked around...

I looked into those eyes while we were at the top of the "hill" and I felt all my strength fade. My false strength was nothing compared to my real love. Fuck. And corny nun ah. I could never, although I wish I could, bear to see this person in pain because of me. If one of us has to suffer, please let it be me... I will endure everything if it'll mean my sunshine will be happy...

I loved this person. God, I LOVE this person... What was I thinking, saying I'd rather we pretend we're not friends?!

We held hands, rested our heads on each other's shoulder and kept quiet... We didn't need words.

I couldn't say it. I wouldn't admit I had given in again. I mustn't admit that I had, once again, let my heart do the thinking... But we knew.

I saw the gleam in those eyes again, and I felt like my heart would melt... I wouldn't trade my sunshine's happiness for mine.

I couldn't lose this person, and this person couldn't to lose me. What could I have been thinking?!

Walked me to the station today. First time ever. As I started walking away, I see those eyes. It's like they're saying Wait. Don't go just yet. I just wave bye and start walking. If I stay there, I wouldn't be able to leave. I want to spend every minute with my sunshine... I have missed the warmth of the sun's rays...


We're lukewarm. We're not a couple, but we're not strangers...

Lukewarm's okay... It's sure better than cold.
kitten posted @ 5:46 PM |



Yesterday, I was supposed to blog, but I forgot! Wah. Anyway, here are the things that happened yesterday.

Memorable train ride
Yesterday, there were more people in the D.Jose station than usual. Add the fact I was late and poof! You get me, stuck in the station. Ten trains have passed and I still stood there. Dammit, I could smell the people na nga eh. :( I decided that I would get on the next train no matter what. (Eto nanaman po tayo sa mga walang katapusang no matter what ko na ito.) And so I did.

I literally squeezed myself into the train. Minus the heat and the crowd, okay naman. It's just that once you get off the train you look like hell ten times over.

Funny, that's exactly how I looked when I got off. Even funnier *mark sarcasm*, Mr.Close-up smile was there. Fuckness.

Why in the world does he always have to be around when I'm at my worst? :( I was praying like Don't notice me. Please don't notice me. But, whattheheck, he said Hi Kitten. *flashes award-winning smile* I literally felt like I would die. :( Shit naman. Shempre ako si smile ever sabay Hi. sabay wave. :)

Was there small talk? Of course! We talked about what station we got on. He said he gets on sa 5th Avenue station. I told him I got on sa D.Jose and he has that look on his face that says Poor you. while saying Diba maraming tao dun? Di ka ba nahihirapan sumakay? Fuckness. I told him, in my best paawa voice possible, na yes, it was hard to get on in D.Jose station, but not all the time. (Sabay cambio amp!)

He couldn't walk me all the way to my room though (DUH!) and we separated (I feel so sad using the word. LOL.) somewhere between their tambayan and ours. :)

Boys' Bathroom
After PE, we were waiting for our friends to finish freshening up. The girls' bathroom, btw, is conveniently located beside the boys' bathroom. Anyway, we were there standing around, and I swear I look like whatever coz it was after PE class. I had my back turned to the hallway and the someone says Hi Kitten. in an oh-so-lovely voice. I turn to see that it's him. My Earth's piece of heaven. <333

I wave back flash my goofy smile (Sabi ng friend ko ang goofy daw ng hitsura ko kapag nakikita ko sha). Damn. Small talk ulit. Tapos na PE niyo? I asked him. Uhm, oo. *flashes award-winning smile* Damn. Ang tanga ko. I could have asked him something, anything, but I had to ask the obvious. *headdesk* All I could do was smile again and nod my head.

He went into the bathroom. Damn. I was standing a mere wall from him!!! I swear, I wanted to run inside and just... Shit. Take a peek. LOL. *head desk* Anyway, my beloved gay friend, as if to rub it my face, went inside the bathroom and kept throwing glances at me. Argh. Pero in all fairness. He's maputi and makinis daw. *sigh* Earth's piece of heaven.<333

Before Histo
Call me desperate, call me stupid, call me whatever you want. That guy just makes my day when he flashes that smile of his. :)

So... I wanted to see him before Histo, since our classroom's right next to theirs anyway.

Nolan, Doms and I stood around for sooo long but he wouldn't pass by. We sat down and waited instead but he just wouldn't come. :(

I was getting upset *ngek* kasi I felt that we were waiting at the wrong place. I checked my watch and saw that it was only a couple of minutes before Histo. Damn. I told Nolan na we must have been waiting at the wrong place. So we got up and decided to walk inconspicuously in front of their room to see if he was there... *turn corner and...*

BAM!!!

He was there - almost inside the room. He saw me and said Hi Kitten. *flashes award-winning smile* I wave back. Damn. Ang galing ko talaga tumayming. LOL.

I was all hyped and everything. Jumping around and all. He walks past me again. *sigh* Ang gwapo niya talaga... :) Nagtututumalon nanaman ako. Then he walks back to their room na ulit and waves (the last one... :( ) at me. *sigh* *melts*

Today was a so-so day. Hmm. Ayun.

Comm Exam
Can I just say that I... *sigh* I didn't think she would give that kind of test. Wala lang. Parang... Ang tinest niya lang talaga ay yung kung anu ung mga tinuro niya. Ayun. Nakakapanibago.

Before Math
Wah. I was awaiting the descent of my earth's piece of heaven. Again... He wasn't coming. :(

I texted my friend, April, and asked whether they had class pa or something. She replies and says they were in the canteen. I pull Nolan and say Nolan, kunyari bibili ka ng tubig. Bibigyan kita ng pera, iyo na yung tubig. Makita ko lang siya... Ayan. O db? Ang desperado ko? LOL.

Anyway, Nolan agreed and we walked to the canteen. Funny and stupid, pero sa dinami-dami ng mabibilhan ng water eh dun pa talaga kami pumila sa may likod niya. LOL. Wah. Ang gwapo niya. Nolan says Magpapansin ka naman! And I go, Ayoko. I'm content breathing the same air he's breathing... *sigh* O db? Ang corny ko. LOL.

April them conviently says Kitten, magHi ka! in a not so soft voice and he turns and sees me, goofy look and all. Hi Kitten. *flashes award-winning smile* So we were standing in line. I was standing next to my earth's piece of heaven. Nolan and I were talking and he (Mr. Close-up) was done buying food. He starts to walk away and then.

Ay! Advanced Happy Birthday.

Fuckness. I almost died. I said thanks and flashed my warmest smile. :) Asked him how he found out that my birthday was coming up, but I didn't catch what he said... It doesn't matter. He knows it's my birthday and he greeted me. *melts*

Math
Eh basta. Takte. Di ko maintindihan kung bakit nagpapaapekto ako sa kanya, pero sha ang sumira sa magandang araw ko. :( Takte ka *toot*. Takte ka talaga.

I was so mad that I cried. I was so mad that I couldn't bear to be with anyone that I spent the whole lunch period alone. Scratch that. I spent the whole time with God sa PGH chapel.

I want to be indifferent, not angry. :(

Wag mo ako galitin... Tumitindi lang ang nararamdaman ko para sa'yo...
kitten posted @ 9:34 AM |



You make me feel like I can get lost inside your eyes.
I feel closer to the sky when you save the day with just a smile...

*sigh* Can I just say that I have a new theme song? :) *sigh* This song is literally stuck inside my head! Wah.

Dream sequence: Close-up commercial... <333

*sigh* I'm happy. Can you tell? :)

My friend said I'm getting prettier by the day... Thanks. Maybe, I'm that happy. Gumaganda ang mga tao kapag masaya sila eh. :)


So what if there's no SUN?
The moon will be my guide...
kitten posted @ 9:50 AM |



Sorry about this. Taggy's down. :(

Nolan: Super salamat sa pagkausap sa'kin kanina. Believe it or not, I felt really good after talking to you. Kung "the best" ako, then there's no word that can describe you. :)

Ice Pascua: I love you! I love you! I love you! Just like The Beatles' song. :)

Beyru: Miss you like hell. :(

Carl: Best, I don't have a hubby. Promise. I wish I had one, para masaya. :)

Tope: Someone owes me a story. ;)
kitten posted @ 10:14 AM |