I wish I could forget everything that has happened today.

My presentation for my research paper went well. The presentation went well. What didn't go well was the Q&A. Of course, I shouldn't complain. I did get comments such as "organized" and "thorough" but I guess the shock of how my research was received is what got to me.

I was on the stand for 20 minutes. It should have been over in 10. But it wasn't. The questions kept coming. I felt like I was in the middle of the ocean, a large rock tied to one of my ankles, and I was struggling for air, struggling to stay on the surface. I am pretty sure at more than one point, I shouted. I had the answers to the questions. I just couldn't figure out why people seemed to be attacking me. Maybe that's just my persecution complex talking.

After that horrendous experience, Andy picked me up and we headed out to Steven's place to meet up before going to the Met. I got motion sickness, which was awful. And I was no fun. Andy was no fun either since he was worried about me. And I now realize I've become one of those annoying girlfriends who spoil the fun. Yep. I'm now officially a fun-sucker.

Oi.

If it weren't for Andy, this day would have been a total mess. He was optimistic about today's presentation. He held my hand throughout the car and Met experience, drove like a grandpa on trip back. He's awesome.

I just wish he was around. That way, this day could end with one of the few people that make everyday worth living...

Labels: pissed

kitten posted @ 9:54 PM |

1. I'm having a fat day.
2. My credit card company will be issuing a different credit card for yours truly due to the fact that, at a certain time today, a lovely $39.71 purchase was made at, where else, Palma de Mallorca, Spain. WTF?! Seriously. WTF?! But besides that, now I have to go file a claim for the $39.71 that was charged on my card, and blah blah blah. I really don't have time to deal with their shit right now. MEH.
3. I should be doing my research paper + annotated bibliography + outline for English but I'm too goddamn lazy and f*cking upset to do it.
4. I haven't heard from Andy the whole day. This is the worst part. I need him to make my day better. *weeps*

So there. My life is miserable.

NOTE: You don't want to piss me off. Right now, I'm so high-strung I'll snap at anything that moves.

Labels: pissed

kitten posted @ 9:44 PM |



Perhaps the most painful part about working in food service is having to deal with customer attitudes. Some of them say (and they can be so very cruel) that we are being paid to keep up with their moods. The only other people who have to put up with such crap are therapists, and those guys are paid by the hundred.

I think there is nothing worse that being treated like you are scum of the earth just because you are on the other side of the counter, just because you are the one wearing the visor and the apron. True, we must be financially desperate to cling to such menial work. And true, some of us are really to stupid to even attempt working anywhere else. But it is not difficult to treat us like people, because as much as customers would like to think we are selling our souls to them, all we are really selling are the products. Pride excluded.

If you plan to tip us just so you can treat us like shit, please keep your money. Our feelings are just as valid as yours and we would rather that you treat us accordingly than you spare us a few pennies.

---------------
Are you tired too? :(

Labels: feelings, pissed

kitten posted @ 10:27 PM |



I was about forty-five minutes early for the Calculus exam, which is fine since I had Becca to kill time with. While she and I desperately tried to study, our hands were a lovely knot I held on my lap.

She looked up from her work and asked me what I was thinking about.

"Nothing. Just. Nothing. Forget it," I said.

"No, tell me."

"I'll tell you after the exam, okay?"

"You'll tell me now," she said.

"Or else what?"

"No 'or else' because you'll tell me now," she said.

I told her about the teacher certification process. I told her about the citizenship requirement. I told her everything I was thinking, everything I was feeling. I emptied myself completely because I knew she would understand.

"Well, just get naturalized then. It's no big deal," she said.

I frowned. "No big deal? If it's no big deal, why get naturalized at all? This is a big deal. It's a very big deal," I told her. I was trying not to sound upset.

"Everything to you is a big deal."

"What does that mean?"

"Look, getting naturalized is practical more than anything else, okay? It doesn't make you any less Filipino or any more American. It's just a piece of paper."

"No, it's not. I don't want to be an American. Don't you get it? I love being Filipino."

"You don't have to stop being Filipino."

"But I'll be American."

"It just helps you get around. You'll need a decent job, you'll need property, you'll need to get naturalized sooner or later if you intend to stay here."

I sighed. "I feel like I'm betraying a part of me," I told her. I was sad.

"Just think of it as one of those things you have to do because you don't have a choice."

"But I do have a choice."

It was then that I noticed how aggravated she was getting. For a moment, I was afraid. I squeezed my hand to squeeze hers but I realized that she had let go of mine. She was shaking her head. She was laughing, pretending the impending signs of doom weren't there.

A cold fear gripped every single part of my body. I sought her hand. I needed to hold it, to feel it. I needed the comfort that only she could bring. But she folded her arms. And I was left staring at the floor where we sat, praying that none of it was so.

"You're different, and you're wonderful..."

I looked at her. She kept talking. But I wasn't catching the words. All that I understood was "not working" and "too different for me and for your own good."

I don't know what she was waiting for me to say. I didn't understand more than half of what she said. I just looked at her. I just kept looking. And all the while I was thinking, "No. Don't leave me," but somehow the words would not come.

"Say something," she said. "Say anything."

"I think, Becca, you already spoke for the both of us."

--------------
Mabuhay ang Moonpools and Caterpillars! I haven't listened to these guys since I broke the tape I had of their album, Lucky Dumpling. Think about it, the album was on a tape. Some of you people reading this might even be saying "What's a tape?" Idiots.

But before I had any of the [little] knowledge of music that I had now, I've already loved them. It was a shame that they only made one official record, and that they never made it big. Their music makes me really, really want to go home. I don't know if people can hear it, but in their music I hear the makings of Parokya ni Edgar, Barbie's Cradle, the original Imago, and maybe even Moonstar88 before they got all jologs. And if I were not the die-hard Moonpools fan that I am, I would say that their music is home-grown, but it's not. They were Glendale-based. And, haha, the reason I started listening to them was because I heard my aunt would blast the cassette recoder while she and I did our chores.

"One day soon it's gonna happen to you and when it does it won't be pretty."

Hear that Becca?

Labels: feelings, pissed

kitten posted @ 11:06 PM |



Rave:
(1) I am virtually lab free for the rest of the term and I aced the last TA-OK so... *sings* Celebrate good times, c'mon!

Rants:
(1) I was blocked by the Registrar's system this morning. I was unable to add/drop courses and by the time I could, ooh, my Psych102 of choice was filled. The suckiest part is not the fact that the class was filled, but that all other alternate classes were in conflict with my required courses. I'm missing three fucking credits for the requirement at HC. Holy shit. There will be hell to pay. I SWEAR.
(2) Bad day at Colloquium. I almost cried. It was stupid. But everything they were talking about just hit so close to home. If there's one thing I find difficult to tolerate, it's lack of understanding.
(3) Bad day in general. Woke up late and all that stuff.

In Between:
(1) "I admire you for your candor." :)

---------------
Dear Valium*,

You really shook me today with what you said. And the last thing I expected for you to do was follow me down the staircase. I said it a while ago, and I will say it again: It was unnecessary. Some things, I have learned are better left unsaid or really just don't need to be said. But I thank you, nonetheless. You were one of the two things that went right today.

I admire you for your candor too.


*real name withheld

Labels: love, pissed

kitten posted @ 8:15 PM |



I'm looking for somewhere new to host this thing. [I'm thinking, Livejournal kaya lang... Well. I kinda like Blogger.] I just don't want to have to deal with tranferring the archives and all of that. But recent [And very chilling, might I add] discoveries have proven that it is now necessary to move this thing. Too many unwanted guests. Bakit ba ngayon ko lang chineck ulit yung tracker ko? I mean, kaya nga ako may tracker diba? Para kapag merong mga... Haynaku. Bahala na si Batman.

Tangina.

Dalawa lang yan eh. I'll move or I'll stop blogging. Guess which one I'll choose.

Fuck.

[edit] [edit]
Okay. I've decided. I'll be updating my Livejournal from now on. If you don't know my Livejournal, I have it on one of my links. But it's a 'Friends Only' site so... restricted access, kelangan may Livejournal kayo, kelangan i-add niyo ako as a friend, kelangan i-friend ko kayo and all that drama, my lovelies. Pasensiya na. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Blame the colonizers for my bahala na behavior; I'm sticking to Blogger.

----------------
I bs-ed my Bio lab exam. Major bs. Good luck na lang sa'kin.

On the lighter side of the news, I aced the Bio lecture exam. Oh yeah. *celebratory dance sequence* May matching kindat and pat on the back pa yan from the terrible TA, Ying-Han Chen. Yan, my friends, ang tinatawag na law of compensation. You can't be at the very bottom. Something, often something small, will always have to go right. :)

---------------
[This entry has spanned two days. Haha. Thought I'd let you in on the secret.]

I'm not one to embed videos on my blog. I often find that most videos online are either irrelevant to me or just plain stupid. This one I'm sharing because it's insight into... Insight to... Just see for yourself.

As a Filipino, I share similar views to that expressed on this video. Let's face it: having been repeatedly colonized has definitely impeded our [re]discovery of who we are. To quote Stokely Carmichael, "I do not want to be a part of the American pie. The American pie means raping South Africa, beating Vietnam, beating South America, raping the Philippines, raping every country you've been in." People say I'm lucky to be here and there are times when I believe them. But when I think about my country, I can't help but want to come back.



[When I was in UP and took history under Prof K, he taught me history I otherwise would have never learned. What I want to know is why that history is not the one everybody learns in school. Knowledge is power, diba?]

---------------
My friend said I should start podcasting. Good idea? Bad idea?

Labels: pissed

kitten posted @ 7:52 PM |