I so hate my life right now.

First, this week is supposed to be the week I march my ass non-stop to UP to complete the cursed requirements. Unfortunately, and special thanks to my mom, I didn't do that. I won't do that and I never will do that. (Thanks mom, or should I call you the Anti-mom?) Everytime I mope about this migrating stuff, I get over it in an hour or so and then I get reminded about it and I end up moping again. All my plans for my life as of today have been ruined. I am about to start a sequence of me being verrry pessimistic. I suggest that you don't read on.

Can I just say that my parents are ruining my plans? The plans I have worked out since the day I realised what I want t do with my life? My god, can you see how this is all a conspiracy to prevent me from self-actualization (Well, maybe not self-actualization, but it sounds so good with what I have to say.=P)? Am I the only one on this planet who feels that s/he is being pushed to the limit? As of 10.01pm, the answer is yes. I sooo hate my life. Can I just please runaway from all of this? It seems so much... easier.

My best friend in the whole wide world abandons me to go on a wonderful trip all over Asia. Yeah. Now that's the kind of friend I need. Someone who is not there when you need her the most. *sigh* Sorry, girl. I love you and all. With all my heart, even. But I need you right now, and you're... nowhere.

My brother and I fought. Yep. We fought coz I gave my mint condition turfs to my other brother. Excuse me? I don't recall you, Mr. Deonaldo, ever asking for it from me. And he *points to other brother* wants it so I gave it to him. So sue me. But I'm not angry. I'm sad. We're alright now, but something he said poked my stomach on the inside. He said "api" daw sha sa'ming magkakapatid... Shit. I wanted to tell him that he was wrong, but I couldn't. I just sat there, absolutely powerless to change the fact na, oo nga, api ka nga sa'ting tatlo. I've always thought of my family as perfect. I mean we do have our differences, but that doesn't mean we don't love each other. It wasn't until he said it that I thought about how unlikely it is for our family to be the perfect family I hope for it to be. Or maybe everything's going wrong because of this migrating thing. Whoever came up with the idea anyway?! Stupid person. *grumbles*

I'm crying now. Not because I'm sad. But because I can't do anything but sit here and waste away. I wish I could get out of this house right now and just... fade. Even for just a minute (if that is at all possible).

There's no worst feeling than powerlessness. I'm so powerless that I can't even say to them I feel powereless. I mean, I have never done anything, anything at all, so bad that I would deserve to have all the things I love taken away from me. Especially at a time that I'm most attached to it. I mean, I have a life here. I have great friends, a great school, a wonderful home... There's probably nothing more I could ask for. Yet they're, or more appropriately, she (i.e. The Anti-mom) has already begun her mission to take all of that away from me. *mumbles to self* Mom, I love you. Stop ruining my life before I start ruining yours.

When people ask me how I feel about us leaving, I always tell them that I'm sure it'll be alright. That I would absolutely love it there. That my future will be even greater than I could ever imagine. But all of it is just crap that I wish were true. All of it is just trash I say so that maybe it will alright and that maybe soon enough if I repeat it enough times, I will start to believe it myself. Pathological liar ka ba?=P

*sigh* You know how they say you should never keep your feelings bottled up inside you soon enough it's going to explode? They're right. I'm having one of those explosions right now. And it's nice to be the only person in the room coz I can cry my eyes out. But then I suddenly wish I could just hold everyone I love for 10 seconds just to feel that they are there, and to let them know that I'm here.

Sometimes in a person's life, you try to take a step forward but instead you take a step back. I hope that this isn't one of those times.

PS Athem of Our Dying Day by Story of the Year is such a great listen-to.
kitten posted @ 10:47 AM