I guess I blame this all on hope, the hope that I had about... whatever this is. I have, as always, allowed myself to get carried away. I so desperately believed that despite all the things that have changed, he and I remained the same. I wanted him to be the same man I knew, I wanted to be the same girl he knew, and I wanted to have that friendship so badly I had forgotten... *sigh*

This is why exs should stay exs. This is why you don't call, IM or even think about them...

I guess the reason I'm hurt more than I should be is the fact that I had hoped that he would understand everything without my having to explain. But when I talked to him today, he drove me into a corner and threw punches at me. And I felt something I haven't felt in a while - I felt like I had to defend myself. Oh, I took each and every blow he had for me. I was silent as he spoke. But when he was done, I fought back. I argued. I screamed.

Then he said "Mag-aaway ba talaga tayo?"

I couldn't speak because I was too busy trying to stop myself from crying.

"Umiiyak ka ba? Wag ka umiyak. Sorry."

No, you can't wreck things and just apologize to make it better. That's what I should have said anyway. But I said "Hindi. Hindi ako umiiyak. Tinalikuran ko na yang buhay na yan matagal na. Mauubos lang ang luha mo kakaiyak tapos wala paring mangyayari." Which is the truth, of course. But I never thought, at least not recently, that he would, and even could, make me cry.

I feel so worthless because I want to be a writer, because I choose to stay here in the United States, because I am me. I was so sure he would understand everything.

So much for certainty.

---------------
My great uncle's in the ICU. His wife is starting this simultaneous prayer thing. If I'm not mistaken, they're doing it at 2am EST.

This is probably going to sound cruel, and I'm sure this is not the right time to prove to my family that the Christian god is whack, but I'm thrilled to see what will happen next.

Oh, you guys can pray all you want, but believe me, you can't stop the inevitable. Trust me, I've tried. And that god of yours will just sit there and watch it happen.

Bitter much?

Labels: feelings, religion

kitten posted @ 11:57 PM