I was about forty-five minutes early for the Calculus exam, which is fine since I had Becca to kill time with. While she and I desperately tried to study, our hands were a lovely knot I held on my lap.

She looked up from her work and asked me what I was thinking about.

"Nothing. Just. Nothing. Forget it," I said.

"No, tell me."

"I'll tell you after the exam, okay?"

"You'll tell me now," she said.

"Or else what?"

"No 'or else' because you'll tell me now," she said.

I told her about the teacher certification process. I told her about the citizenship requirement. I told her everything I was thinking, everything I was feeling. I emptied myself completely because I knew she would understand.

"Well, just get naturalized then. It's no big deal," she said.

I frowned. "No big deal? If it's no big deal, why get naturalized at all? This is a big deal. It's a very big deal," I told her. I was trying not to sound upset.

"Everything to you is a big deal."

"What does that mean?"

"Look, getting naturalized is practical more than anything else, okay? It doesn't make you any less Filipino or any more American. It's just a piece of paper."

"No, it's not. I don't want to be an American. Don't you get it? I love being Filipino."

"You don't have to stop being Filipino."

"But I'll be American."

"It just helps you get around. You'll need a decent job, you'll need property, you'll need to get naturalized sooner or later if you intend to stay here."

I sighed. "I feel like I'm betraying a part of me," I told her. I was sad.

"Just think of it as one of those things you have to do because you don't have a choice."

"But I do have a choice."

It was then that I noticed how aggravated she was getting. For a moment, I was afraid. I squeezed my hand to squeeze hers but I realized that she had let go of mine. She was shaking her head. She was laughing, pretending the impending signs of doom weren't there.

A cold fear gripped every single part of my body. I sought her hand. I needed to hold it, to feel it. I needed the comfort that only she could bring. But she folded her arms. And I was left staring at the floor where we sat, praying that none of it was so.

"You're different, and you're wonderful..."

I looked at her. She kept talking. But I wasn't catching the words. All that I understood was "not working" and "too different for me and for your own good."

I don't know what she was waiting for me to say. I didn't understand more than half of what she said. I just looked at her. I just kept looking. And all the while I was thinking, "No. Don't leave me," but somehow the words would not come.

"Say something," she said. "Say anything."

"I think, Becca, you already spoke for the both of us."

--------------
Mabuhay ang Moonpools and Caterpillars! I haven't listened to these guys since I broke the tape I had of their album, Lucky Dumpling. Think about it, the album was on a tape. Some of you people reading this might even be saying "What's a tape?" Idiots.

But before I had any of the [little] knowledge of music that I had now, I've already loved them. It was a shame that they only made one official record, and that they never made it big. Their music makes me really, really want to go home. I don't know if people can hear it, but in their music I hear the makings of Parokya ni Edgar, Barbie's Cradle, the original Imago, and maybe even Moonstar88 before they got all jologs. And if I were not the die-hard Moonpools fan that I am, I would say that their music is home-grown, but it's not. They were Glendale-based. And, haha, the reason I started listening to them was because I heard my aunt would blast the cassette recoder while she and I did our chores.

"One day soon it's gonna happen to you and when it does it won't be pretty."

Hear that Becca?

Labels: feelings, pissed

kitten posted @ 11:06 PM