Important realization of the day:

When I get scabs - and I get them all the time - I peel them off and scratch the "wound" part and I don't stop until I feel that I have a new wound.

I realized this because as I sit typing this entry, I am looking at a small pile of ex-scabs on my computer desk. I am disgusting, I know. But it is because I recognize this as a nasty habit that I trust that I can be saved from myself.

But what's interesting is that this nasty scab-peeling habit does not only apply to my physical wounds. I've lost count on how many times I've laid in my own misery for things that should have long been buried in the past. I find that I can't forgive myself for letting things get out of control, even if they were never in my control to begin with.

I can't let go. I can't leave things alone. I refuse to let time take care of things. That is why my wounds won't heal, and that is why I get new wounds.

I am a scab-peeler.

Are you a scab-peeler too? :(

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They say everything happens for a reason.

You know how Mai's family won $50,000 from the scratch-lottery thing? They didn't need the money then, but they need it now. Her dad got laid off from work. Her mom was diagnosed for osteoporosis. They need to pay the lawyer who took care of her brother's case. (He was killed in a shooting which was sparked by *sigh* a game of pool.)

I held her a while ago as she cried. She seemed so small to me then. And the force that gave them money, the same force that is taking the money away now, seemed larger than the both of us. I held her for a long time, my shirt wet from her tears, my arms aching from the hug I was giving her. I had nothing to say to her except: everything happens for a reason.

It's eerie. Makes you sad and thankful at the same time.

What you don't have, you don't need it now.

For all the things I am not and for all the things I don't have, I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful.

*sigh*

Labels: me, thoughts

kitten posted @ 11:24 PM