I'm exhausted. I'm emotionally exhausted, physically drained and, as of this moment, mentally incapable. I really don't have the right to feel such, considering I haven't been doing the regular activities I do. I've actually been bumming. Well, not bumming bumming.=P You might get the idea that I've just been lying around.=P Anyway... I've been tired.

I'm emotionally exhausted. A lot of things have been happening in my personal, professional and spiritual life. I feel that my emotional constipation has finally taken its toll.

Last night, my dad picked me up from my band's practice at Carl's place (which went b-a-d bad, by the way. But that's for later.). It was a little late. Prolly around eleven in the evening. And I honestly wanted to get some shut-eye while on my way home. Of course, like all dads, they wanted to fill what appeared to be an uncomfortable silence. I don't mind that. I actually appreciate the effort. (If there's anything I always acknowledge, it's obvious effort.) What I didn't and still don't appreciate is having the topic on UP being opened. Okay. Personally, I think it sucks - big time. But I do know that complaining won't get me anywhere, so I just keep my pretty, little mouth shut. Bar the fact that he actually wanted to talk about it (I think it was his version of a heart-to-heart talk), it was bad. He made me cry like hell. The words love and God and faith were used - words that should never be used in the same sentence together. And what hurt me the most was the fact that he was apologizing to me. Some people would probably be glad their parent actually apologized for what s/he did. This time it was different. If anything, it was half-meant, and probably said only to console the incomprehensible pain I was feeling. One of the things I hate most in life: apologies that are half-meant and have no intent to set things straight. Somehow, I wish he never said he was sorry. I cannot do anything with Sorry. He hurt me and he hurt me bad. And he pretends that things'll be better, when he knows that something like this is life-changing. Maybe things'll be better, but only because I have learned to settle for something less than the best.

My band practiced for the competition yesterday. I was there 4pm sharp, coz one thing I've learned about this business is that you should always be professional. Unfortunately, DJ and Jayar were kind enough to be 1.5 hours late. I was about to get upset when I saw the reason why they were soo late: we had unwanted company: girlfriends. Ugh. Paimportante ng mga ****. Bar that. The studio we use for practicing isn't all that big (especially because that room is also their laundry room =P) but we always have elbow room. Yesterday, we were so cramped. Naturally, it got hot (the atmosphere and temperature alike) and someone was starting to throw a bitch fit, er, tantrum. Then someone else was starting to ask her man to take her home (which is in Valenzuela, btw, and we're like in Marikina). Okay. Nakakainis. First of all, those girls were not supposed to be there coz fact: they're always distracting their men and fact: there isn't enough room. That said, sana di na sila sumama kasi pabigat sila. They don't realize how important this competition is. They don't realise how we really need to practice. They don't realise anything coz they're not in the business. I like their women, don't get me wrong, but maybe they can try to be a little more considerate to the needs of their men, and us, the bandmates. Nagalit tuloy si Carl. Wala akong magawa. Kasi maski ako, naiinis narin. Carl never cries. Never. But when he does, it's absolutely heart-breaking.

I think that our band will end in flames. I'm predicting, hmm, in a week or so everything will be over. Sayang. We could have been great. Sayang. Sa kanila pa naman ako kumukuha ng lakas ko.

Spiritual life: 'Yoko pag-usapan.

I'm physically drained. Literal na nanghihina ako. I'm tired. I wanna sleep. I wanna sleep and never have to wake up to see this nightmare-come-true. Or maybe, I'll wake up to see that this is all a bad dream. But I'm not sleeping. I doubt I'll be waking up from any nightmare soon.
I'm mentally incapable. I have used up all my powers to write a score for the competition. I ate, drank, slept, talked, breathed that score. It's all I've got in my head now. No witty remarks. No jokes. Nothing. I have found myself being snapped back into reality more than once. Wala na ako sa sarili ko.

To ****** (I know you'll read this.=P): I need you. I need you to tell me that everything will be alright. I need you to sing to me (Pwede bang Tell Me Where It Hurts ng M.Y.M.P?=P Please?) . I need you to be here and never-ever go away. Pagod na pagod na ako...

PS The girl in the picture below stole my friend's man. Feel free to exploit her. Especially if you're a victim of such crime, like me!=P

PPS Go ahead and do it. You know you want to...=P
kitten posted @ 10:54 AM