"If you were right and I was wrong, why are you the one who's gone and I'm still here?"

This line was taken from the song I'm Still Here by Vertical Horizon, and it has been playing in my head since Saturday afternoon.Obviously, it hasn't occured to me to blog it until this moment. I'm kinda lonely and it's for reasons I can't actually write here. I lead a pretty private life, or at least I try to, and I like to think that I do. LOL. Anyway, if you had a brain the size of a kidney bean, you'd probably know that one of the reasons I'm upset (If you had a brain larger than a kidney bean, you'd know that there are many reasons I'm upset, and not just one.) has something to with a person (that I choose not to reveal, of course). And the line "If you were right and I was wrong..." is exactly what I want to scream at the top of my lungs so that THAT person could hear it. Alas, I can't scream at the top of my lungs, and even if I could, I doubt my voice would be loud enough to reach, erm, 1 mile? *sigh*

I was speaking to a good friend (Hi Ice!) a while ago and this is what she said: "When things like that happen, I mean kapag nag-away kayo, try to resolve it at that moment. Kasi isipin mo, mareresolve din later. Bakit niyo pa patatagalin?" (Thanks, Ice. Fantastic advice you gave there.). And she's right. Why should I/we prolong the agony of having to deal with this later when I/we can deal with it now? I mean, when we just release some steam, meaning you take time apart, the tendency is to actually have a gap that might never be filled. And what's scary is that the gap creeps up on the both of you that maybe after some time, you'll find yourself unable to resolve that conflict because the gap is just too big. The whole point of this instant conflict resolution thing is that to bridge the gap right away. Okay, I get that. I doubt, however, if I was able to do exactly that. If I were able to do that, I think I wouldn't be feeling as crummy as I'm feeling now. Get it? I'm so friggin' lonely, and I can't even tell people why. (Noticed the change in my tone from upset to absolutely annoyed?)

Honestly, I didn't think things like this could ever happen to me. I mean, yeah, I'm no angel, but I'm sure I have enough decency to take care of other people's feelings well enough. Guess I was wrong. (And I guess all that toying with feelings caught up with me na. LOL. Hi Gaby!) But seriously, I didn't think Life could actually throw something like this at me. I mean, Me? Ms. I'm-Not-Nasty-At-First-Glance-But-Don't-Wait-Up-To-Find-Out-If-You-re-Right? I always play with Life, but Life never plays with me -- until now.

This just in: I have a new family thing I have to work out. Erm, it's not as simple as parents fighting or siblings running away or somehing like that (Yeah, I actually think things like that are simple.). It's something more serious, more unstoppable and more permanent than that, and I can't write it here, again. Most of the people who read my blogs know what I'm talking about naman eh, so I don't wanna put it here na. I don't wanna think about it, even! It seems so certain.

They say change is the only constant thing, but I beg to differ. There are more things (though some are intangible) that are never-changing. Things like love. People like family. (Although sometimes you wish you could switch members with someone you know and you can finally have that really cool family you've always wanted. I mean even if you guys get torn apart by some concubine or some job or soemthing else that I can't think of right now, you'd always have the same blood pumping through your system and you'll always have love for each other no matter how you try to deny it.) Where am I taking you with these ideas? I don't know. LOL. But seriously, I'm just blabbing. LOL. No, I'm kidding. This has something to do with that issue with the family. I mean, I'm not ready for change. It seems everything around me is changing. Everything and everyone is moving on and I'm all about holding on. Sigh.

I really feel like crying and screaming my head-off. I couldn't possibly feel worse than I already do. I think I need help. Loneliness like this isn't healthy, for me at least. And I so need booze or a cigarette, anything to take me out of this misery for a while. Better yet, make it a hug and a kiss or two. Maybe after that I'd feel better.
kitten posted @ 1:33 AM