[lyrics from Mae's The Sun and the Moon]

Yesterday was pretty much uneventful. I know, I know, it was my birthday. But besides me seeing Candy (to give her the birthday presents that I got her plus the cake that she asked for) and he and I talking again (although, if you ask me, I still say it was just for show. Oh, and yes, he came!!! *wide grin*), that was basically it.

So yes. He came. And he came early too. Aaand when I saw him come in, I could swear to you, that shivers ran through my body and I felt cold. It's almost sad... But yes, when I saw him, I started crying. I couldn't believe he was there.

Did you really get mad last night? I asked him.

No. [laughs] No, of course not, he said.

Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't get mad? Because you got me worried, I said next.

Ith okee. [wraps his arms around me]

So I guess if we were going to start talking again, both of us would have to pretend that the previous night didn't happen.

It was rainy yesterday, as my birthdays are always rainy since I was born on a rainy day. He pointed out how hard the rain was falling outside.

It's raining, he said.

I know. I love the rain, I replied.

Me too.

And I can't tell you why we did it, or why nobody stopped us, but we stepped into the rain. It was glorious... It really was. *closes eyes in reverie*

When we were at the office, I asked him if he was happy that he was leaving, and what he said was that he was relieved. He told me that he would visit, every other day or every week. I told him that I wasn't going to be around for very long anyway and then we were quiet.

I passed him my copy of American Gods. I said that I wasn't giving it to him, that he was only borrowing it, and that he can give it back whenever he wants. The truth is, I just wanted an excuse to see him again, and I told him that as if we didn't already know that.

We didn't hug or kiss. I'm not sure why neither of us felt compelled to.

I didn't go online last night. He would be waiting for me. I didn't want to talk to him. It doesn't have to be as difficult as it is. If what it calls for is for me to disappear, then disappear I will...

He messaged me today:

"You know, I'll miss you. That's a down to leaving."

*sigh*

I don't know what it was that we were doing. I just know that somebody suddenly said It's Phil's last day. and he said It has it's ups and downs.

I distinctly remember glaring at him for saying that.

You liar. It doesn't have ups and downs. All it has are ups, I snapped. I was so mad!

But it does have downs. It does!

Really? Fine. If your leaving has downs, name me one. If you can name me one... I was screaming. I swear. He just ticks me off sometimes.

He spent about two minutes thinking and said Food.

I laughed mockingly and said What? Food? You've got to be kidding.

What? I'm serious. Food. That's one of the downs to leaving this job, he said.

Okay. Name me another one. I said, blocking his way. He was trying to walk away from me.

No, you said one, and I said food. That's it, he said smiling. He was being slick again.

You give me another one right now, mister. I realized then how much he towered over me, that he, if he wanted to enough, could just shove me.

He was laughing, sort of triumphantly, and said You said one. I gave you one.

I gave up then...

He wouldn't tell me that not being able to see me was a disadvantage. He knew that it was what I wanted to hear. And I knew that he would miss me even if he didn't tell me. But I wanted to hear it just the same. I wanted him to tell me that if he had a reason to stay, that reason would be me...

And then he messages me, tells me that missing me is a down to his leaving. *sobs*

I haven't replied. I keep staring at the message, thinking of what I could reply. Nothing's coming to me... I could get mad at him for only telling me that now, but then why would I want to get into another fight with him? I could tell him that I would miss him too, but he already knows that. I could ask him what he wants to hear, but then he'd just say Nothing. I guess I'll just wait until he talks to me about it. Maybe if the moment comes again, I would have my usual smart-mouth reply.

Now I wish he was around so I could hug him. *headdesk*

Did I ever tell you how soft he is? It's so funny. He's like a plush toy. Haha. He's like a towel that just came out of the dryer: soft and warm.

I think I'll go cry now.

You come over unannounced
Silence broken by your voice in the dark
"I need you here tonight
Just like the ocean needs the waves."
So fall around me now
Just like stars that shine and brighten the way.
I need you here tonight just like this night,
It needs the rain.
Over unannounced,
Silence broken by your voice in the dark
"I need you here tonight,
Just like the ocean needs the waves...
Just like the stars that fall around me now."
~the outro of Mae's The Ocean

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 9:10 PM