Nakakapanghina. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko haharapin ang bukas.

Ang baduy, shet. Pero kasi... Hindi ko talaga alam. Parang kung pwede ko lang takbuhan ang Friday, kung pwede lang na hinding-hindi na siya umalis... Pero hanggang dun lang naman yun, diba? Sa mga "kung pwede lang..."

Kanina nung break niya, pinuntahan namin yung 1959 Cadillac El Dorado na gusto ko.

Today's Thursday. Tomorrow's Friday. Tomorrow's my last day, sabi niya sa'kin.

I know, sagot ko naman, habang pilit na inilalayo sa kaniya ang aking mga tingin. Natatakot ako na makikita niya sa mga mata yung sakit na nararanasan ko.

Why did you switch schedules with Dax?

What? Nagulat ako sa tanong. Akala ko paguusapan lang namin yung kotse pero hindi...

You and Dax. Why did you switch schedules with Dax? tanong niya ulit.

Why is it that I have to change schedules with Dax? Can't Dax have switched schedules with me? sagot ko naman. Kunwari galit ako. Pero ang totoo nahihiya ako. Akala ko di niya mapapansin na nakipagpalit ako, pero napansin niya.

Is that the case? tanong naman niya.

Does it matter?

[Sidebar: This is how we have our conversations. Half the time when we're talking, people want to get into the conversation but can't. I guess we both understand that questions tend to tell more than answers.]

Natahimik siya. Natahimik din ako.

*fast forward to one and a half hour later, at the office*

What's that? sabay turo sa braso ko.

What do you think it is? sagot ko.

You slit your wrist? Why? Sa boses niya, parang may galit at awa akong narinig.

Tinititigan ko lang siya. Hindi ko alam kung anung dapat kong isagot, kung anung pwede kong isagot...

Ask me again later. I'll tell you. sabi ko na lang.

*fast forward to half an hour later*

I have a hard time telling people how I feel. sabi ko sa kaniya.

What?

I have a hard time telling people how I feel. That's why I slit my wrists. sabi ko.

Nakatingin siya sa'kin na parang di niya maintindihan yung sinasabi ko.

I can't tell people when I'm mad or sad or whatever. I can't say it. So I slit my wrists.

But telling people how you feel is easy. I do it all the time. sagot niya.

Oo, alam ko yun. Hindi siya nagtatago ng damdamin. Pag galit siya, galit siya. Pag masaya siya, masaya siya. Kung ano yung nakikita mo, kung anu yung naririnig mo, yun talaga yun, wala nang iba.

*fast forward to one hour later; Phil's about to go home but plays around in the counter*

Can I get two big macs, a large coke and fries please. sabi niya.

Alam ko yung larong yun. Lagi siya nakikipaglaro sa'kin nun.

Did you say you want two big macs, a large coke and fries? sabi ko naman. Napapangiti ako. Ang sarap makipaglaro.

Yes.

Is that for here or to go?

I think I'll be flying, miss. Natawa ako. Di ko napigilan. Ang cute kasi niya.

Alright, to go it is, then. That will be $10.39 please.

Alright, I'm going [home].

What? No. Don't go.

Why?

Eh sabay entra yung customer. So paikot ikot lang siya dun sa may counter. Nung umalis na yun customer, lapit siya ulit sa'kin.

Why?

Don't go.

Tumalikod na siya. Nag-umpisang lumakad. Lumabas siya ng pinto...

*fast forward to nine hours later; we're both home, just waiting for sleep to come*

You left. I told you not to leave but you still left. sabi ko.

Well, why?

Because. That should be enough. I wanted you to stay because. I WANTED YOU TO STAY BECAUSE.

Because?

Because. If he would only ask the right questions, perhaps he could have the right answers...

Tahimik na kami. Hinihintay niya akong magsalita.

I hate you. I hate your stinkin guts. You make me vomit...

Lolokohin ko sana siya. Kasi diba linya yun sa Little Rascals? Pero di niya ako pinatapos.

*buntong hininga* Whatever. I'm just not coming to work tomorrow." Click. Binabaan niya ako ng telepono. Tapos na ang pag-uusap namin.

Huling araw na nga niya bukas, di pa siya papasok.

Hindi ko alam. *iyak*

Tinext ko na. Tinawagan ko na. Wala. Hindi ko na alam *iyak*

Nakalimutan na siguro niya na I have a hard time telling people how I feel. Di niya naisip, ang gusto kong sabihin ay...

*iyak*

Ayoko na. Ayoko na. *iyak* Ayoko naaa.

---------------
I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you why I wanted you to stay. I wish I could have told you that what I wanted was not for you to stay only for the moment, but to stay forever...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

*sobs*

---------------
"The words we have a hard time saying are the ones we mean the most..."

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The first person to greet me on my birthday:

Candy.

I think the word I'm looking for is paradox. *sigh*

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 9:26 PM