I woke her up and she says Are you working today? Like right now?

Never you mind that she was trying to have a conversation with me at seven in the morning when I could have been sleeping in. What mattered was that she was aking me whether I was working. Well, like everything else that's NOT meant to be in my life, I wasn't working, and that's what I told her. I found out soon enough that had I been working, she would have stopped by the store and hung out. Great. The one time she actually intiates to see me and I'm... bleh. Oh perfect. My world is so perfect.

So, yes, like the desperate sunuvagun that I am, I told her that I was actually on my way out, which I was not since I still had crusties in my eyes and drool on my face, and that if she didn't mind, maybe we could go grab a cup of coffee, which is Kitten-talk for make out. As if you don't already what happened, let me tell you. She politely declined. Because she had school. Duh. *headdesk*

I spent most of the day texting her, which I haven't done in a very, very long time.

C: So how are you and that guy you like?
K: His name is Lilo. It's all good. Except I'm in love with somebody else.
C: Are you going out?
K: You know me, I like to keep things casual. Wait, you were talking about the guy I like and not the girl I'm in love with right?
C: Well, I honestly don't know which is which.
K: Lemme explain. Lilo and I are fine. The girl I'm in love with either has no idea or doesn't care.
C: Aw. Who's the girl?
K: Somebody special. At least I've always thought so.
C: What's her name?

Was I supposed to say Candy? Should I have called her and said The girl I'm in love with is you.? And why did she want to know her name? (I still refer to her boyfriend as Mr. Seventeen-Year-Old and I'd like to keep it that way. His not having a name makes him less real and less painful. And less human. Ha!)

K: Next question, please.

That's what I said. Next question, please. I thought it was best. Thought being the operative word. I thought it best. I didn't feel it best. My heart was honestly screaming Tell her! Tell her! and I decided against it. Diba nga? Never ask to be loved. Telling her would be like asking her to love me. And I don't want to ask. Because I don't want to be turned down.

After that I turned the tables and started asking her the questions, which I honestly didn't want to do. I already know the answers to my questions and the stupid answers are fucking painful. But if I wanted her to stop asking me the questions, I had to ask her the questions. And I did. I asked her whether she loved him. She said yes.

I already knew that, of course. I've already asked her that before. And as the question was familiar, so was the answer, and so was the pain. But it does not end there. She started talking about how he's different from everybody else (And I told her that so was she, so in a way they deserved each other.), and how they're worried about the whole LDR (a.k.a. long distance relationship) they'll have once she goes off to college, and how she believes they'll pull through (And I told her that it was the vote of confidence that counted the most so if she believed that they would make it then, they will.).

I wanted to ask her why she wanted to know the name of the girl I'm in love with; I wanted to ask her if she was in love with Mr.Seventeen-Year-Old (There is a strong distinction between loving someone and being in love with someone.); I wanted to ask her if she was still in love with me, if she was at all. But the moment was gone.

Two hours later, I'm talking to Lilo like Candy never happened, and I'd rather think that it didn't.

This entire entry is incoherent but I don't care. Today was one of those days that I wish never happened.

Labels: stories

kitten posted @ 11:04 PM