Thursday, April 12, 2007
*
Sometimes I wonder what it is I'm so mad about. I'm always on the edge and the slightest thing sets me off *snap* like that. It's more than just a bad temper. I can be very unpleasant.
I guess there are just a lot of things I have to come into terms with. There are still lot of things I haven't cried about. There are still people I haven't made ammends with (Do you know who? If you can guess, I'd get you whatever you want.). There are still a lot that I have to forgive, to accept and to simply let go so I can finally have that life I keep saying I will make for myself.
The only question now is where I should start.
---------------Today, I found myself whispering a prayer. Not a
prayer prayer. It was more like I was just trying to talk to Him, which I haven't done in a long, long time.
It was while I was walking to work. It was raining and I was drenched. And I just had to say:
You took away everything that was important to me. You knew everything that ever meant anything to me is in the Philippines and you send me here to fucking Jersey City. My job sucks, I'm not in school, my family hates me and I hate them back. Your plan sucks, if you have a plan at all. You didn't even consider what I wanted. All you cared about was your divine plan
because you're so great and I'm just a shadow of that greatness.
I'm mad at you because I prayed for you to make things easier and to make me strong, but you ignored me. I kept praying and you kept ignoring me. After a while, I just felt there was no point in praying anymore. You just weren't listening the way you did before.
Now I'm just bitter. Very bitter. You said you would never leave me but you did anyway. You said I'd always have you but you were nowhere in sight when I needed you most. All I want is to know what you want for me because I don't know what I want for myself anymore. Since you were so nice to ruin my plans, I have none now. Show me your plan. Just please show me yours so I can understand why all of this is happening. I want to understand.
You said you were my dad, my brother and my friend, but you're not. You're just another stranger.... then I just broke down.
Labels: feelings
kitten posted @ 10:57 PM
Randoms things about me
I'm Kitten :)
I get a year older every 17th of August. I am a Leo, and I carry all traits associated with that zodiac.
Right now, I'm twenty years old and I'm loving it. They say we're only as young as we feel. I feel like I'm five.
I would never leave the house without my Zen and my E2. The latter connects me to the world; the former takes me away from it.
If I were to choose a word to describe my life, that word would be
crazy.
I am in love with the stars. I am in love with the rain.
I am a Rutgers University student, and I want to graduate with an English degree. An English-Psych double major would be nice. An English-TCert would be even better.
I want to be a teacher. I want to be writer. I want to be both.
I thrive on indie and emo. Mae, The Spill Canvas, Copeland and Daphne Loves Derby - these are the guys that I listen to. I listen to other bands here and there, but mostly those are the bands I follow. That being said, I'm a mainstream moron.
There's no feeling more lovely than being carried away. People don't usually think of me as somebody spontaneous, but I like being swept away as much as the next girl.
I fall in love easily, but it is really hard for me to fall out. Really hard.
I am very fragile.
I am tolerant of almost everything except one thing: intolerance.
I am an extensive reader. I thirst only for meaning, nothing else.
I love my friends <3
I am extremely spiritual but not religious.
Things I want to do in my life time
Get a job.- Save up enough money to go back home -
wherever that is if I ever had one before I'm 40.
- Write a book.
- Sing for a Disney movie.
- Buy a house on top of a hill.
- Go bunjee jumping.
Travel halfway around the world.- See Italy.
Find the one person who makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.Draw and paint.Learn how to play Sudoku.- Volunteer for American/Philippine Red Cross or UNHCR.
Quit smoking.
Kitten recommends:
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery's The Little Prince
- Trina Paulus' Hope for the Flowers
- Paulo Coehlo's Eleven Minutes
- Leo Tolstoy's The Death of Ivan Ilych and Other Stories
- Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's Venus in Furs
- J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye
- Neil Gaiman's American Gods
- Anne Rice's Beauty's Release
- Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's Venus in Furs
- Douglas F. Hofstadter's Godel Escher Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid
- Leonard Mlodinow's Feynman's Rainbow: A Search for Beauty in Physics and in Life
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