Wow.

I couldn't sleep last night. I cried and cried some more. My eyes hurt and no matter how hard I tried to sleep, I couldn't get any. Darn.

Napagalitan pa ako ng best friend ko because she was here and I was crying. (Sorry, Bez. Promise, next time, hindi na. LOL.)

Some post-birthday yesterday turned out to be...

It was the letter. It was the gift. It was the presence.

It was the presence. It was the gift. It was the letter.

The presence... *sigh* That was the best. It was a day like no other. I got to hold the hand. I got to embrace the body. I got to kiss the cheek. I got to sit beside the one. I got to hear the voice. I got to see the smile. I got the chance to be happy.

The gift... *sigh* Nothing fancy. Just a cellphone chain. It was a note-shaped stainless thingy that read Moonlight on one side and Sunshine on the other. Could it have meant anything? Heaven knows.

The letter... Damn. I held it all the way home. I was trying to guess what was inside... I read the letter while I was with my best friend. I cried almost always in midsentence. I almost had an asthma attack. Everything that was there was true. Linger.

I needed to smoke but couldn't because my parents were around. I tried to sleep, I swear, but tough luck.

I came to school today with... nothing. Just music, lots of cigarette and a "reply" letter...

I felt bad, dammit. And my insignificant other was happy, as always. Damn, life's unfair.

I remember asking what it is that's supposed to happen to us. I didn't know. I'm always at the middle - the place I hate the most. I hate being lukewarm. I want things to be either cold or hot. We were then lukewarm.

I found out what it is that's supposed to happen to us... and got hurt again. I don't even know why I bother asking when I already know the answer... :(

I laid out my cards. Said I wouldn't have that no-commitment-but-loving relationship. I'd rather that we pretend we weren't friends at all. It was either we were or we weren't. It hurt me to say it... But because I really wanted to get away from this constant pain, there was no other way...

I saw the sadness in the eyes... My heart was breaking infinitely many times... How could I have done this?

I can't let you go... I can't believe it's okay for you to lose me just like that... What you want is extreme... I want you to be around... I can't not be your friend... The words I heard stung.

My heart was beating faster. My knees were getting weak. Damn. I was about to lose the deal...

We argued... We fought...

We were in Fort Santiago... Our first ever "date" was historic. Pfft.

I could say no more. I sounded silly, saying things over and over and over again, when I know my words were already understood... I had already said what I wanted. All that was left was for us to choose whether we'd be together or not...

We walked around. Played with each other's hands. Poked each other... Walked around...

I looked into those eyes while we were at the top of the "hill" and I felt all my strength fade. My false strength was nothing compared to my real love. Fuck. And corny nun ah. I could never, although I wish I could, bear to see this person in pain because of me. If one of us has to suffer, please let it be me... I will endure everything if it'll mean my sunshine will be happy...

I loved this person. God, I LOVE this person... What was I thinking, saying I'd rather we pretend we're not friends?!

We held hands, rested our heads on each other's shoulder and kept quiet... We didn't need words.

I couldn't say it. I wouldn't admit I had given in again. I mustn't admit that I had, once again, let my heart do the thinking... But we knew.

I saw the gleam in those eyes again, and I felt like my heart would melt... I wouldn't trade my sunshine's happiness for mine.

I couldn't lose this person, and this person couldn't to lose me. What could I have been thinking?!

Walked me to the station today. First time ever. As I started walking away, I see those eyes. It's like they're saying Wait. Don't go just yet. I just wave bye and start walking. If I stay there, I wouldn't be able to leave. I want to spend every minute with my sunshine... I have missed the warmth of the sun's rays...


We're lukewarm. We're not a couple, but we're not strangers...

Lukewarm's okay... It's sure better than cold.
kitten posted @ 5:46 PM