Okay. *sigh* Heavy stuff coming up. You might want to skip this.

...

Well, I guess I can finally sleep at night. Candy's happy that they're together. Oh, I should have said that they're back together before I said she's happy. Whatever. They're back together. She's happy. I don't know about Phil, but at least one of them is happy.

I said I want them to be happy and I stand by that. What I didn't say was that I would be happy just because one of them is. I could lie but that's pretty pointless.

I feel weak. This is what happens when you are made to choose between your happiness, the happiness of somebody you love and somebody you used to love, and you choose theirs. And it hurts more because I know I hurt somebody in the process and I hurt myself in the end.

I wish it were easy to just say that I don't want him in my life anymore. I wish I could just decide that I'm better off without him, without this feeling he brings into my life, and just move on like I'm supposed to. And the only reason I'm not breaking down right now is because I'm tired of crying. To hell with love, right? *forces a laugh*

And I don't feel any less in love. I feel exactly as I have all these weeks, only the fear of losing him is no longer just fear but certainty. It's the way it has to happen. And I don't want to be his friend, that's just bull. I refuse to settle. I want to love him, the way I always have. I want him to let me love him, the way I always have.

Love. Sometimes, I forget what it means. Sometimes, I associate love to being happy. But then days like this never fail to take me out of the haze. To love is not only to be happy. It is to suffer for that person's happiness. And the real magic is not what the touching of fingers do, or the fireworks that come with each kiss. The magic is that love survives the pain, long after the fireworks have ended.

Amor vincit omnia. Love conquers all things, even pain.

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 11:01 PM