I am pathetic and I hate my friggin guts.

I should have known that being friends with my ex girlfriend's current boyfriend would have dire consequences (And there are just too many things in that sentence that make it all sooo wrong). But I, being the idiot that I am, decided that I was better than that, and hoped that he and I would be friends since, you know, he seemed like an extremely nice guy... at the time.

Needless to say, there is a reason I don't really like men. And those reasons run in their blood like gasoline runs through a car. And so Phil, being a man, is fueled by that junk I'd like to think of as sex. But I digress. I believe I was going to talk about consequences.

And the word in itself is genius. Con + sequence = something negative + following an action. Yes. And what transpired last night is everything the word negative stands for.

Idiot told me he was going to break up with Candy before the summer is over. God, I was crying! And I wanted to tell Candy. But tell her what, exactly? Yo, your man is gonna break up widyuz before school starts. Yeah? No.

And so I took it upon myself to manipulate dear old Phil into doing what I want, which is staying with Candy. (Yes, I know, how could I possibly want that when I'm in love with the girl, right? Aaah, love is a complicated thing, my dears. And my reasons are an entry by themselves. Shall we save it for another time?) So I told him that he loves Candy (Ow!) and that he could never do it to her, break her heart like that. I was completely dumbfounded with what he told me next.

Oh, I certainly can. I tried to once before.

It was like in those movies when a single phrase like that rings in an echo. I was already crying ten minutes into our conversation. What he said just made me lose it.

He goes on to tell me that when he did, Candy cried her eyes out.

[Two weeks after Candy went to Myrtle Beach, she got worried that she was going to fail her drug test for Rowan, which implies... *sigh* Anyway, apprently, Phil told her before she left for Myrtle Beach something like "You better not tell me what happens there or I'll break up with you." because, according to Phil, that's knowing Candy. (Can I just say that I hate how he talks about her like that?!) And he, being a man of his word, did break up with her for what she did.]

I quieted myself. I'm pretty sure he heard me crying. Then I said

I thought you loved her. How could you stand seeing her like that? The mere idea of Candy crying is enough to make me weak. These are the times I am convinced that only I can love her completely.

I realized then that I was screaming. I let my emotions get the better of me.

There is such a thing as "getting too comfortable" and I guess that was me last night. I forgot that it was my ex girlfriend's current boyfriend that I was talking to. And I obviously shouldn't have said what I did because he said "Then tell her that."

*sigh*

Bias is a terrible thing. It shrouds our minds from greater understanding. I forgot that, regardless of whether or not Candy will get hurt by what Phil might do, Phil has his emotions gambled in this too. He is in as much risk of getting hurt as she.

I haven't felt like this in a long time. I feel like somebody's literally trying to squeeze my heart out, and it hurts. But I am done crying. I have finally run out of tears.

I, having this terrible superhero complex, want to spare them their pain. But, inevitably, sparing theirs means welcoming mine. I guess I should be used to that by now.

"Loving means renouncing strength." Thank you, Milan Kundera. Truer words have never been spoken.

Labels: love

kitten posted @ 10:51 AM