:)

Ecstasy beyond words.

2008-05-17T22:09:00.003-04:00

Oh God. No words can express how happy I am right now. I just got the greatest gift any student can ever, ever receive - good grades.

I'm more than satisfied. I am absolutely ecstatic and, more than anything, relieved. I was afraid that taking up Discrete Structures was a mistake (which, after more than one quiz, I actually thought was true.); it would just jeopardize my happy GPA. Also, when I did the math for my Psych 101, it came out as a 89.52, which is a B+. I guess Annette (my TA) fought for me so I could get an A. SWEET.

Ah, life is good. Life is so fucking good.

Thanks to the Supreme Being. Thanks to my friends who kept me going. Thanks to my beloved Andy. Thanks everyone! :]

*sigh*

Existence

2008-05-15T14:00:00.002-04:00

In the cold of the theater,
I came closer.
His arm around me, hands everywhere,
Squeezing, kneading, needing.

Breath, warmth on my neck
Could it be a kiss?
Let it be a kiss -

"Because you exist, God exists.
You are my religion."

- One kiss.

You are my religion.

2008-05-14T22:16:00.001-04:00

In the dark of the movie theater, he leaned in and whispered, "Because you exist, God exists. You are my religion."

It sent shivers down my spine. Then later, in the car, he said, "As one goes through life, from one relationship to the next, you hope that the next one will be better than the last. I can't imagine a more perfect relationship than what we have."

I think this is it. This is the real thing.

Mahal kita. [mah-hahl' kee-tah']

2008-05-05T22:07:00.004-04:00

I think one of the reasons I'm convinced that Andy and I will spend the rest of our lives together is he is committed to learning Filipino. It's an interesting experience because here's a guy who already speaks 3 languages (English, Farsi, and French, thank you very much.) and he's having such a hard time learning Filipino. But, as he would say, c'est bon!

We were at Starbucks today and I was trying to teach him the words masaya and malungkot. So far he can say stuff like Magandang umaga, mahal. and Mahal kita. and it's really cute. (He's such a darling, really.) And when I taught him the word masaya he got this look of concentration on his face.

He was trying to string words together!

I gave him a few seconds before I said, "You don't know enough words, babe."

He laughed and said, "You're right. I don't know enough words. But you know what I was going to say, right?"

"Maybe."

"I'm happy because you love me."

<3

Presentation. Met.

2008-04-30T21:54:00.004-04:00

I wish I could forget everything that has happened today.

My presentation for my research paper went well. The presentation went well. What didn't go well was the Q&A. Of course, I shouldn't complain. I did get comments such as "organized" and "thorough" but I guess the shock of how my research was received is what got to me.

I was on the stand for 20 minutes. It should have been over in 10. But it wasn't. The questions kept coming. I felt like I was in the middle of the ocean, a large rock tied to one of my ankles, and I was struggling for air, struggling to stay on the surface. I am pretty sure at more than one point, I shouted. I had the answers to the questions. I just couldn't figure out why people seemed to be attacking me. Maybe that's just my persecution complex talking.

After that horrendous experience, Andy picked me up and we headed out to Steven's place to meet up before going to the Met. I got motion sickness, which was awful. And I was no fun. Andy was no fun either since he was worried about me. And I now realize I've become one of those annoying girlfriends who spoil the fun. Yep. I'm now officially a fun-sucker.

Oi.

If it weren't for Andy, this day would have been a total mess. He was optimistic about today's presentation. He held my hand throughout the car and Met experience, drove like a grandpa on trip back. He's awesome.

I just wish he was around. That way, this day could end with one of the few people that make everyday worth living...

All the Things that Went Wrong Today

2008-04-18T21:44:00.002-04:00

I'm having a fat day.
My credit card company will be issuing a different credit card for yours truly due to the fact that, at a certain time today, a lovely $39.71 purchase was made at, where else, Palma de Mallorca, Spain. WTF?! Seriously. WTF?! But besides that, now I have to go file a claim for the $39.71 that was charged on my card, and blah blah blah. I really don't have time to deal with their shit right now. MEH.
I should be doing my research paper + annotated bibliography + outline for English but I'm too goddamn lazy and f*cking upset to do it.
I haven't heard from Andy the whole day. This is the worst part. I need him to make my day better. *weeps*

So there. My life is miserable.

NOTE: You don't want to piss me off. Right now, I'm so high-strung I'll snap at anything that moves.

Soulmates :)

2008-04-12T22:01:00.003-04:00

It has only been two months since Andy and I started going out, and yet it feels like we've spent an entire lifetime together. I guess, in many ways, that is more of a good thing than a bad thing.

Last night, I was with the girls and I was trying to explain to them how perfect my relationship with Andy is. I kept hesitating because I know that they would not understand. I kept hesitating because it seemed grossly unfair that I should find such a wonderful man in a world of assholes. When I finally blurted out the words, I was met with some rolling eyes and "Give it a few more months."

Today, Andy told me that he was trying to explain to Mike the concept of a soulmate. He, too, was met with resistance when he started talking about our relationship. I guess people have to experience the bliss, our bliss, before they can understand what it is we mean when we say that "our relationship is perfect."

Looking at my friends' relationship, I'm somewhat afraid that my relationship with Andy will turn ugly over time. But then, for some reason, I feel more certain that the chances of that happening are probably two out of ten. Think about it this way: When you find the one for you, won't you want to hold on to them forever?

I don't know what I've done to deserve this. But thanks to the Supreme Being. :)

I'm not stupid, just naive.

2008-04-06T19:40:00.002-04:00

I wish I could trade in all the love I feel in my <3 for some not-so-common sense.

Thank God for Persistence!

2008-03-29T20:37:00.002-04:00

Well, I've never been so proud of my persistence (a.k.a. stubbornness) than I am today. I walked into a local B&N tonight to pick up a coveted copy of The Associated Press Stylebook. I looked online last night whether that particular store had a copy of it, and I found that they did. So when I walked into the store today, all I intended to do was ask to be told where the writing references are and look for it there.

Unfortunately, when I asked for the book, the cashier enumerated titles of other books, and all that I had in my head was a big "Huh?"

"I'm sorry. I'm just looking for the stylebook," I said.

"Well, we don't have it here. We'll have to order it for you," she replied.

For a minute, I just stood there like an idiot. I wanted, no, I needed that book if I ever want to be copy editor. So I told her, "Maybe you could just tell me where the section is and I could go see what else you have." TRANSLATION: B*tch, I know you have that book. If you won't give it to me, I'll go get it myself.

Once I was in the writing reference section (which, in fact, was just a bookshelf. No, not even. It was half a bookshelf.), I stared at the few books on display. There were the famous Elements of Style, MLA Handbook for Writers of Research Papers, and a few Idiot's guides, but no AP stylebook.

New plan: Read each and every single title. That was a good plan, until I got tired of reading the titles at the end of the top shelf. I just kept thinking "It must be here. It must be here," over and over again. Something inside me was convinced they had a copy of it.

Maybe it was the fact that I looked it up at the website before. Maybe it was the fact that I believe that "If you want to get something done right, you gotta go do it yourself." Whatever it was, thanks to it, I found the book. They had one last copy of it sitting on the lonely writing reference half-bookshelf, and it was waiting just for me.

Oh, I can't tell you how much I wanted to smack the cashier with the book. (Yes, I know, I am evil.) But I was satisfied enough with, "You do have it! You had one last copy and I got it!" And as she struggled to explain to me what went wrong when she looked it up, inside me, I know I had won.

Won what? Well, something. Certainly something. And my trophy's my new Associated Press Stylebook.

Meeting the Friends

2008-03-18T22:41:00.002-04:00

Well, it was an interesting experience. There was Eric, who I've already met. There's Esha, who wore a bear hat. There was Steve, who introduced himself as Kristina after learning that my name is Kristina. Then there was Alex who's a marine and has an incredible collection of anime and manga and DnD stuff.

*shrugs* Not as bad as I thought. There was no panel. I was not bombarded with questions. I'd say it went well, but I can't really. Don't ask why.

On other news, when we were buying snackage, Esha brought up the fact that I'm an English major. As it turns out, so is she. She then asked me what my area of concentration is. Um, yeah, haven't really thought about it, and that's exactly what I told her, adding the fact that I'm still a freshman. She then says "So am I." and that didn't really help, but I managed to choke a "I think I want to be a teacher." She then goes on to say that a teacher only needs half the credit... blah blah blah. It all became static because something I haven't thought about in a while hit me again: the issue of becoming certified.

Fortunately, I was standing right next to Andy and I then burried my face in his chest and said "Althought I'm not really sure about that because I can't really get certified because. I'm. Not. A. Citizen," then squeezed his hand. He then leaned in to whisper something in my ear, but I already knew what it was.

"I already know what you're going to say. You've said it to me before," I told him.

"Okay," he said while straightening back up.

I tugged at him and said "But tell me again. I want to hear it."

"If you married me, you wouldn't have to worry about all these things."

If I married him. Ha. If I married him. Like I'm actually the type to settle down. Like I'm actually the type to want a secure relationship. Like I even actually like him that much!

But then again... I am. I am. And I do.

*shrugs* "We'll just see what happens."

on Perfection

2008-03-16T20:18:00.002-04:00

Everything is great. Life is just grand. Okay, I lied. Life isn't grand. In fact, in more than one respect, life is actually worse than it was six months ago. But this warm and fuzzy feeling that wraps itself around my heart sets a nice glow to everything around me. I'm still convinced that life is grand.

He and I agree that everything about the two of us seems like it was meant to be. Physically, intellectually, emotionally - we are in perfect sync. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I can't remember the last time I was this content.

But tell me why I'm getting this... weird feeling like something's going to go wrong. I don't know what it is. But I can feel it every now and then, like a reminder that life can't be perfect. We can only strive for perfection, not achieve it.

If Andy were reading this he would probably rub my arm and say "You're such a pessimist." Oh, and he's right. I am such a pessimist. I just find it really hard to go along with this perfection. I've just been so used to mediocre, one-way relationships that I'm scared this will turn out to be one too. *sigh*

Spring break this week.

Monday: Liberty Science Center
Tuesday: BODIES Exhibit + Bubba Gump
Wednesday: Firefly + Serenity marathon at my house.
Thursday: [Bike-riding at Libery State Park]
Friday: Shopping @ Willowbrook Mall

Huhu.

2008-03-02T22:12:00.003-04:00

Masakit ang katawan ko. Tambak ang trabaho. At mukhang puro B pa yata ang grades ko ngayong term na ito.

Let's jump off a building!

Wait, that's not funny.

Waaah.

anand Sanskrit. adj. bliss.

2008-02-25T16:03:00.004-04:00

I took out a wad of singles from my backpack [Sidebar: I am only realizing now how incredibly ungirly I am. Anyway.] and handed it to him. I wanted them counted.

At first, he made jokes about it. I, being the sport that I am, made jokes about it too. And then he said "You're not single."

I looked at him. I had no idea what he expected me to say. My eyebrows furrowed and, I guess, he knew I was lost. He then said, "You're not single. You just have singles."

I knew and I didn't know what he was trying to say. And this incredible silence wrapped itself around us. But it was not an uncomfortable kind of silence. It was more of a deep breath before a wonderful, well-deserved plunge.

<3

.

2008-02-22T17:45:00.003-04:00

I wish I weren't as fragile and terribly insecure as I was. For both our sakes.

blush

2008-02-21T21:08:00.002-04:00

I leaned in closer. He was going to show me a list of universal truths on his iPhone.

"There's no such thing! Knowledge can never be absolute," I said.

"But there are absolute truths. I'll show you."

"There are no such things," I insisted.

And what follows happened so fast that I didn't know what to say. He looked at me, smiled and said "God, you're so beautiful."

Thanks. You make me beautiful. :)

Things I loved about today.

2008-02-20T00:33:00.004-04:00

1. We watched a one and a half hour movie for two and a half hours.
2. He tried to psychoanalyze me. [It was futile, but very fun to watch.]
3. He proved that I am a goofball first by contradiction and then by induction. [Sorry, nerdy stuff.]
4. Kicked rocks.
5. He studied the ambigram I made of his name. Blew his mind off.
.
.
.
n. Everything.

---------------
:)

.

2008-02-07T22:24:00.000-04:00

He took my hand and said, "Look in any direction."

My hands were cold, he could feel them, I knew. "Okay, now what?" I asked.

"Imagine that you can see all the way into infinity," he said.

"Okay."

"That would mean that right now, you're looking at a star." He looked at me, waited for what I would say.

I closed my eyes and said "That is absolutely beautiful."

---------------
He said the last thing I am is harmless.

Where'd that come from?!

Haha. Ha.

Love Break Me Now

2008-02-06T19:33:00.000-04:00

For some reason, some of the music that I listen to are classified under Christian rock. Not that I mind, especially since Christian rock is really good. What I do mind is that listening to some of the songs that actually contain praise make me miss the passionate Christian life.

I wish I could have that innocence back. I wish I could feel the strength of the Supreme Being the way I used to. I wish I could close my eyes, raise my arms in praise and just know that it is all for something.

I would give up everything I have gained for that one thing I have lost.

[Ash Wednesday. Could this be a sign?]

wide grin

2008-02-01T19:48:00.000-04:00

I intend to do really well in my Discrete Structures class because you are in it.

Brainies trump beauties everytime. :)

The world is great.

I heart nerds

2008-01-29T23:32:00.000-04:00

When he looks at me, I feel like he's trying to look into my soul. A part of me wants to tell him to stop. A part of me knows that even if he tries, he would never see me, the me that hides behind the words and the music.

But he says Carpe diem. He laughs with me. He squeezes my hand. And he looks at me to really see me. And for all those reasons I am inevitably drawn to him.

If there is a god, that god is funny. For if there is one word in the English language that can drive me away it's pop, which happens to be the music he [Itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang Flash.] listens to. Plus soundtracks. Soundtracks, good. Pop, bad. Bad. BAD.

*sigh*

Carpe diem.

People from Stevens should die.

2008-01-27T22:27:00.000-04:00

Perhaps the most painful part about working in food service is having to deal with customer attitudes. Some of them say (and they can be so very cruel) that we are being paid to keep up with their moods. The only other people who have to put up with such crap are therapists, and those guys are paid by the hundred.

I think there is nothing worse that being treated like you are scum of the earth just because you are on the other side of the counter, just because you are the one wearing the visor and the apron. True, we must be financially desperate to cling to such menial work. And true, some of us are really to stupid to even attempt working anywhere else. But it is not difficult to treat us like people, because as much as customers would like to think we are selling our souls to them, all we are really selling are the products. Pride excluded.

If you plan to tip us just so you can treat us like shit, please keep your money. Our feelings are just as valid as yours and we would rather that you treat us accordingly than you spare us a few pennies.

---------------
Are you tired too? :(

Er.

2008-01-22T23:05:00.000-04:00

Been busy.

Will update tomorrow. I promise.

Lalala :)

2008-01-10T16:44:00.000-04:00

OMG. New favorite song: Six Feet Under the Stars by All Time Low. OMG.

Watch the video here.

So, for my next project, I'll get Jayar to play that song for me. *wide grin*

I love having him back in my life. Sort of.

Project for a healthy, happy, fulfilled life.

2008-01-09T13:53:00.000-04:00

I took a test once that showed that I have a moral score of -1, 2 being the highest. I laughed at my score because, well, I do have pretty murky morals. It can actually be said that I have no morals, that I go through my life everyday with what I think is best, not what I think is right.

Which brings me to my next point. Despite the fact that I possess no morals, I am still a very ethical person. The next test I took showed me as an "unofficially ethical" person, which means that despite my lack of certainty about what is right, I still do what is good.

But maybe I don't need to tell you all of that, since you probably already know me from reading all that I've written. So let me just tell you that my great uncle who was in the ICU two days ago is now, in a way, dead. His body has given in and can't work on its own, and my family in SoCal is debating whether he should be taken off life support. It is a difficult question, especially because issues of money will and will always come up. But I think it is even more difficult because neither one of us should judge when a life should end.

When they asked me, I was surprised since I am probably the most morally loose among us. But I told them that he probably shouldn't be taken off life support. I am relieved they didn't ask why because I don't think I can come up with a good explanation.

Before I hung up, my other great uncle told me that we were facing a lot of "trials" right now and that only [the Christian] God can help us now. I was silent, because somehow they failed to see that [the Christian] God was watching them suffer and was doing nothing. My great uncle told me to pray, and I will, just not to the god who failed to come to my rescue when I needed him to.

Hmm.

2008-01-08T19:54:00.000-04:00

Two things that are irking me right now:

He said something like "Walang halaga ang pera kung hindi mo nakakausap ang mahal mo," when we were talking about how talking to each other was costing as money.
He called me "by" [bee] when he thought he lost me because we had a poor connection.

Waaah. I'm being fickle again.

heart weep

2008-01-07T23:57:00.000-04:00

I guess I blame this all on hope, the hope that I had about... whatever this is. I have, as always, allowed myself to get carried away. I so desperately believed that despite all the things that have changed, he and I remained the same. I wanted him to be the same man I knew, I wanted to be the same girl he knew, and I wanted to have that friendship so badly I had forgotten... *sigh*

This is why exs should stay exs. This is why you don't call, IM or even think about them...

I guess the reason I'm hurt more than I should be is the fact that I had hoped that he would understand everything without my having to explain. But when I talked to him today, he drove me into a corner and threw punches at me. And I felt something I haven't felt in a while - I felt like I had to defend myself. Oh, I took each and every blow he had for me. I was silent as he spoke. But when he was done, I fought back. I argued. I screamed.

Then he said "Mag-aaway ba talaga tayo?"

I couldn't speak because I was too busy trying to stop myself from crying.

"Umiiyak ka ba? Wag ka umiyak. Sorry."

No, you can't wreck things and just apologize to make it better. That's what I should have said anyway. But I said "Hindi. Hindi ako umiiyak. Tinalikuran ko na yang buhay na yan matagal na. Mauubos lang ang luha mo kakaiyak tapos wala paring mangyayari." Which is the truth, of course. But I never thought, at least not recently, that he would, and even could, make me cry.

I feel so worthless because I want to be a writer, because I choose to stay here in the United States, because I am me. I was so sure he would understand everything.

So much for certainty.

---------------
My great uncle's in the ICU. His wife is starting this simultaneous prayer thing. If I'm not mistaken, they're doing it at 2am EST.

This is probably going to sound cruel, and I'm sure this is not the right time to prove to my family that the Christian god is whack, but I'm thrilled to see what will happen next.

~~Oh, you guys can pray all you want, but believe me, you can't stop the inevitable. Trust me, I've tried. And that god of yours will just sit there and watch it happen.~~

Bitter much?

Seven

2008-01-03T16:39:00.000-04:00

For Gino C.

SEVEN THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
1. bugs
2. heights
3. the dark (I'm serious.)
4. big, angry-looking black men
5. not being good at the things I love doing
6. looking stupid
7. moments without my Zen / music

SEVEN THINGS YOU LIKE THE MOST
1. my computer :)
2. my Zen
3. my leather boots *whip lash, whip lash*
4. the beach
5. yoga
6. stars in the sky
7. rain

SEVEN IMPORTANT THINGS IN YOUR ROOM
1. box of letters from the Pinas
2. my wallet
3. my copy of Venus in Furs by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch
4. flat iron
5. nail polish bag :)
6. journal
7. cds

SEVEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOU
1. People still have a lot to learn about me.
2. I had a kundalini experience once. It was both terrifying and glorious.
3. I stay away from romantic classic literature. Don't know why.
4. I often buy two of whatever it is I'm getting. Again, don't know why.
5. I can't grow plants. I tried germinating some seeds for my bio class once, even those didn't grow.
6. I sneak a cigg every once in a while, especially when I'm stressed.
7. I project for peace on earth everyday.

SEVEN THINGS YOU PLAN TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. write a book / short story and get it published
2. become somebody's hero
3. see Italy and Tibet
4. find "the one"
5. buy a house by the beach, hopefully in the Philippines
6. ...
7. ...

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN DO
1. write
2. play the piano
3. do math :)
4. persuade people into or out of something, especially when it counts
5. confuse people
6. arrange nice get-togethers
7. bootleg / pirate stuff

SEVEN THINGS YOU CANT DO
1. roll my tongue
2. memorize facts
3. pray
4. draw to save my life
5. cheat (on a test)
6. work for more than 12 hours straight
7. keep my space clutter-free

SEVEN THINGS THAT ATTRACT YOU TO THE OPPOSITE SEX
1. beautiful hands :)
2. witty AND smart
3. interested in literature, music and philosophy
4. very assertive
5. politeness
6. excellent personal care to the point that he's almost gay
7. playfulness

SEVEN THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST
1. holy smokes
2. christ
3. yikes
4. shucks
5. Mmm
6. Thanks and have a great day.
7. You suck.

SEVEN CELEB CRUSHES
1. Angelina Jolie
2. the girl who played Luna Lovegood in the last HP movie
3. Hugh Laurie
4. Jacob Marshall
5. Ken Choi
6. Aaron Marsh
7.

SEVEN PEOPLE YOU WANT TO SEE TAKE THIS TEST
1. Julie R.
2. Tin L.
3. Pam Q.
4. Gaby I.
5. Doms Q.
6. THE
7. END

Meh.

2008-01-02T10:42:00.000-04:00

Nag-usap kami nung New Year's Eve. Bedroom voice pa siya nung magkausap kami. Tinatanong ko siya kung gusto niya matulog ulit, sabi niya gising na daw siya.

Sabi niya sa'kin, malungkot daw yung bagong taon. Tinanong ko kung bakit at ang sagot niya sa'kin ay hindi niya daw alam. Tapos sabi niya malungkot din daw yung pasko. Tinanong ko bakit tapos ang sagot niya sa'kin "Kasi diba death anniversary ni Papa?"

I felt so stupid. I knew, of course, that his father died some eleven years ago on Christmas Day. It was the most painful story he ever told me, and he shared it with me the night he came to see my grandma when she died and I wouldn't stop crying. I just feel so guilty that I forgot. And the way he asked me, my god, he expected me to remember and I should have. I don't know why I didn't.

Sorry. :(

A Tribute to 2007

2007-12-31T08:19:00.000-04:00

Like every year, I am at a loss for words about the year that has been. It has been a very good year. I had suffered a lot, as always, but I had learned a lot from it.

This year, I had opened new doors for myself spiritually. I'm not where I want to be yet, but this year has taken me from godless to otherwise thanks to my experiences, a lot of reading, and the people I have met. Let's leave it at that. :)

Also this year, I went back to school. It has been great! Not only has my brain received its long-denied stimuli, but I had learned a great deal about myself, especially as an aspiring writer. I also have had the pleasure of being blessed with the most unconventional but AMAZING professors who have shared their knowledge and wisdom the best they can.

I am proud to say that I had managed to live a pretty healthy life, even if it has happened mostly in the last few months of the year. I had cut back smoking a great deal, I went back to doing yoga, and I have been sleeping better. I have switched from coffee to tea although I still appreciate espresso on my really bad days.

This year I had fallen in and out of love a lot of times. Ha. Well, what is life without love? :)

I think the best part about this year is that I got to live a bohemian life. Music and literature have always been important parts of my life, but this year they were more so. In music, I had learned that listening is just as fun as performing. As for literature, I had learned that writing is probably more fruitful than reading. I have been as unconventional as usual, but I guess I had been so with more confidence that it was what I wanted.

Last year for my year-end entry, I made a toast to living for the moment. This year, I make a toast for the future:

May the next year bring with it the strength to do what we must, the courage to do what we want, and the perseverance needed for us to keep trying.

Have a great year, everybody.

Grrr.

2007-12-28T21:47:00.000-04:00

A. I'm nervous.
B. I'm angry.
C. I'm frustrated.
D. All of the above.

---------------
One of the things that have got me really worked up today is the fact that my flash player and playlist do not wish to cooperate. Now, I know I haven't been working on it that long, kagabi lang naman. But still, I'm tired, and all I want is to put music in my site so you guys can listen to some of my favorite tracks while you're reading entries from yours truly. BUT NO. So you guys are stuck with this stupid darkplayer for now. I tried to make it a little cheery by matching the player with the bg but I think it just made it worse. *gags* And then there's browser compatibility issues with this thing. Sixty-eight percent of my visitors are IE users, but twenty-six percent have Firefox, five percent have Safari and the remaining refuse to let me know what browser they're using. But no matter. This player shouldn't be up there for too long... I hope. *gulp*

NTS: Will be here in the States for two years in Feb. Happy? Er. No answer?

May I have this dance?

2007-12-27T18:41:00.000-04:00

by Copeland

May I have this dance?
Saw you sitting lonely, I hoped you would say "Yes"
May I have this dance?
Look into my eyes as I offer you my hand, my hand

Dance forever...

Stretch out my hand
To dance with your inviting, warmth-providing hand
And I'll stand up; Facing me, embracing me
Intimate companion for a dance

Dance forever...
Dance forever!

When we dance, I'll whisper nothing in your ear
Speak in words you'd never hear
This, my love, it will not stop or start
And, you know that in your heart
You know that in your heart...

You lift your hands to me!
You lift your hands to me, and hold me so close!
We will dance forever!
We will dance forever!
We will dance forever!

----------------
Reconstructing my flash player. It should be up in a few days time. Yay, you'll be able to my hear the new sound tracks of my life. And you will surely notice how happy the music is now. :)

Yay for Creative Labs!

2007-12-26T17:55:00.000-04:00

[written yesterday]

I went to mass today, like I promised Jayar I would. It wasn't that bad, except after communion, I was kneeling and I was composing myself before prayer when the person in front suddenly said "Let us pray." That basically signalled us to stand. In short, I didn't get to pray.

Now, all I want to know is what I would have said had I the chance to pray..

"God, I'd wish for everything that is good, but you always give me the opposite so I guess I'm not praying for that."

"God, what do you want from me?"

"God, can you hear me now? What about now? What about now? What about now? You're *static* -ing *static* -ack when *static* time. *static* "

Sabi nung friend ko, "Sinabi niya na magpunta ka ng mass, nagpunta ka naman. How can someone twenty-five thousand miles away have that effect on you?" That's an excellent question. And it's one that I don't have an answer for...

---------------
I can't tell you how happy I am right now. My Zen has been acting up since Saturday night and it hasn't been easy on me and on my mom since her Zen was acting up too. Although the players charge when plugged into the computer, the computer fails to detect the hardware, so we couldn't load new files into the players. (And the new Copeland album is just dying to be played through my Zen. Plus, I can't work on my knitting without my tunes and all that I want to listen to now is Copeland so. Waaah.) I had tried every trick I know to get the computer to cooperate with the Zens and vice versa, still nada. I ended up contacting Creative Labs.

I have been super worried because my Zen is almost a year old (Buyday is on January 6) and that's like ten years tech-wise. Good thing Creative is so amazing that they helped me resolve the issues via email. Yay. :) Thanks Creative Labs. I love you guys. ~~You're so much better than Apple.~~

Archived all my fall semester materials, rearranged my closet and library today. *woot woot* And my Zen is still alive! Yay. :) In the words of U2,

"It's a beautiful day..."

---------------
While I was rearranging my books, I came across The Purpose Driven Life that my best friend gave me. I haven't read it in a long time, primarily because I have left the Christian life behind. Since I seek to rediscover the Christian faith, I thought, What the heck? and read the reading for the first day.

It was hard for me to finish reading it. At almost every line, I found myself scoffing or rolling my eyes or something to that effect. I'm partly ashamed and partly disappointed that this had been my reaction. I have been hoping for a miracle. (Just because I'm not Christian doesn't mean I don't believe in miracles.)
And it seems that it's a long, long shot.

I'm keeping the PDL by my bed and hoping that the next time I open it, my miracle would finally happen.

---------------
OMG.

OMG. Ang gwapo ni Lilo. Shet. Walang halong biro. Ang gwapo niya. What with the Macbook, the electric guitar and the rolled-up long sleeves. Shet.

Yun lang.

Best Christmas Ever

2007-12-24T17:44:00.000-04:00

*enter emo music*

Shet. Ang saya ng Christmas ko. Shet.

Okay. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko tinawagan si Jayar, pero tinawagan ko siya out of nowhere. Tapos... All the world stopped. Yun yun eh. Yung mundo tumigil and for an hour it was just him and me.

Miss na daw niya ako. Yehey. Tapos sabi niya sa'kin "Hoy, magsimba ka. Ayaw ko yang mga pinagsasabi mo. Hindi ako natutuwa." So sabi ko naman "Sige na, sige na. Magsisimba ako bukas, Christmas Day, para sa'yo." Tapos sabi niya "Wag para sa'kin. Para sa kaniya." O diba. Ang drama. Tska, concerned ang mokong! Wala lang.

Tapos, ayun, ayun, nakausap ko si Kuya DJ tapos sabi ba naman "Oh, ano ba meron sa inyo ni utol?" Yun. Yun ang tanong. Haha. Well, siyempre, showbiz kaya ang sagot ko "Wala. Nag-uusap lang kami." Pero ang panalo yung sagot niya na "Ah, nag-uusap lang kayo gaya ng dati."

Aysus. Muling ibalik ang tamis ng pag-ibig. Joke. Eeeh. Eto lang. Kung kinilig ako dahil yun sa kinilig siya. Kung masaya ako dahil yun sa masaya siya.

Pero sa lahat, eto ang panalo:

PUPUNTA SIYA DITO SA APRIL.

Haaay. Ang saya. Natutuwa ako. Masayang-masaya ako. Kahit na three-digit siguro yung bill ko next month. Wala akong pakialam. Haaay. Masaya ako kasi sabi niya tawagan ko daw siya ulit. Tska itext ko daw siya. Wala lang. Mag-iipon muna ako ng pantawag. Hehe. Mahal tumawag sa Pinas eh.

Haaay. Jayar. Pinasaya mo ang Pasko ko. SALAMAT.

Missing you...

2007-12-23T08:17:00.000-04:00

Blogging this early in the morning when I should be getting ready for work... Tsk tsk tsk. *sigh* So what's on today's adgenda?

Well, I miss him. I saw his picture today while I was cleaning up my files (They either get archived or trashed.). I forgot I had it there. And it has been such a long time since I talked to him, and it's for reasons I would rather not disclose. But seeing his picture made me realize how much, I guess, I still ~~love~~ ~~like~~ feel something for him.

If you're reading this, call me. If you're not sure if this is you, call me anyway. I would give anything to hear your voice...

[edit]
:(

*sigh* Pag ako di nakapagpigil, tatawagan ko yung hayup na yun. Siryoso.

The Forest for the Trees

2007-12-21T00:41:00.000-04:00

"Chances are you want to write because you are a haunted individual, or a bothered individual, because the world does not sit right with you, or you in it. Chances are you have a deep connection to books because at some point you discovered that they were the one truly safe place to discover and explore feelings that are banished from the dinner table, the cocktail party, the golf foursome, the bridge game. Because the writers who mattered to you have dared to say I am a sick man. And because within the world of books there is no censure. In discovering books, you became free to explore the full range of human motives, desires, secrets, and lies..."
~from Betsy Lerner's The Forest for the Trees

Writing is a very self-indulgent craft. It's like eating - it's generally good for you, but too much of it will make you bitter and ugly. And if I go into writing, it will be because of the reasons Lerner has said. I will write because I do not sit with the world; because somehow I know I am sick, and the people around me are sick and do not know it; because I am, to quote von Sacher-Masoch, suprasensual.

I wish now to write a thousand terrible lines to find the perfect one and plant on it the tree of me.

---------------
In the grand scheme of things, what we think do not matter. But in the grand scheme of things, it does not matter that it does not matter.

Kitten <3 Snyder 4ever

2007-12-19T23:38:00.000-04:00

Today was my last day. I feel...

Dammit. I can't even put my feelings into words.

They were so nice. They made me a card the size of Texas. They all signed it and... *sigh* They got me a cake, which we already ate, haha. And they gave me fuzzy bag. And they gave me stuff from Bath and Body Works. And they made me an honorary Tiger. *heartmelt* And they hugged me, really hugged me. It was so... And they said they want me to come back, that I was welcome to come back, even if it's just to visit.

*cries*

I don't even know why I'm writing this here. You people don't give a shit. Oh wait, this is my blog, I'll write whatever I want.

Tutoring at Snyder has been wonderful. Sure, on some days, I wanted to call out because I was tired or needed to do something else, but whenever I dragged my ass up that building and see the kids, all I can think of is how I love them all. They made me feel... Yeah, they made me feel.

I have been so blessed, so blessed. My coming to Snyder every week was my way of giving all of that back. Now that I've... *cries* Can't. Verbalize.

I want to go back. I've fallen in love with all of them. :(

Calculus oh! Calculus

2007-12-17T22:32:00.000-04:00

First thing: I was criticized (for the nth time) for being "big on math" and "wasting my skills on the humanities." Why, thank you. I know there is a compliment in there somewhere. And you, my dear, are a big idiot, wasting your breath trying to get into the business world when you obviously don't have the math skills for it. Someone's pissed.

Well, you'd be pissed too if your ex used you for last minute Calculus lessons. That, of course, is partly my fault. I should have turned down the invitation Chrissy made to "study together" the moment it was extended. But no, I had to feel responsible for the potential Fs, even if I was well aware that accepting the invite might mean having to study with the ex.

It wouldn't have been so bad, except I had only an hour and a half to teach them everything they needed to know and there were, oi, six of them at the table. Kristhy and her girlfriend, btw, have taken that opportunity to make-out which was not only distracting but also a little disgusting. Manners, people. But that wasn't the worst part. The ex was also all touchy-feely as if I were the Black Nazarene in Quiapo, Manila on the ninth of January. Woohoo. But that still wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that none of them slept the night before (I asked them, to be sure) so they were as good as brain-dead. It was difficult explaining the obvious and going through the basics again and again and again because none of the information made it through their impermeable brains. By the end of the hour and a half, I was quite exhausted that when Chrissy lit her cig, I had to have a puff. Or two. Or three. Or maybe an entire stick. *gasp*

The exam was fairly easy. The thing about Professor Gilman is that she's very considerate. She doesn't expect you to perform mathematical backbends, and even if she did, it would only because she trained you well to do so. There were only two things that irked me. First, I had no idea whatsoever what LaGrange multipliers are so when the twelve-point question appeared, I basically winged it, taking just the partial derivatives of the damn function and that was that. I am projecting for some partial points. Then there was the extra credit question that stumped me-"State and explain the fundamental theorem of Calculus." I wanted to cry right then and there. So much for being big on math. After three months of quasi-extensive calculus, I had no idea what the theorem was, although I'm pretty sure that when I'm asked to apply the friggin' theorem, I'd be able to do so. This is why, my dears, I fail all my classes that require me to memorize stuff. That is also why, my dears, I am not becoming a doctor, a nurse, an accountant, or anything else that would require me to memorize an enormous amount of facts, laws, principles, whatever.

To top things off, I got my period in the middle of the final which meant cramps. And, despite the icy weather, while walking to the train I had managed to work up a sweat which was nothing short of charming. By the time I was in the square, the only thing I had on my mind was Midol, Midol, Midol so I dragged myself to the pharm. Today was my lucky day since today was the day they picked to rearrange all the products and after ten minutes of going through each and every fucking aisle, I still had not found my beloved pills and had, again, managed to sweat. I decided to ask one of the ladies to help me find it and, what do you know, even she couldn't find it. I apologized for interrupting her, and she said it was okay. I then said "It's just that it really, really hurts," which was really none of her business, but I hoped that it would make her speed up the hunt for my pills. She then said, quite lovingly, "I know, dear," and combed through the pain pills again. It was only after she asked someone else that we found my beloved pills. But that wasn't the end of it.

I paid for the Midol, a bottle of water and a canister of mousse I had been meaning to get and walked out of the pharm. While walking I opened the box of pills and got one of the beds out. I tried pushing the pill through foil but it won't go and I, again, was working up a sweat. (God, I hate periods.) The cramps were killing me and my inability to take the pill was making things worse and I was about to throw a fit when I noticed that the bed had a carton thing where the aluminum would be. There was also a note in bold letters that read "Peel here." And peel it I did and then I saw the familiar aluminum, pushed the pill out and took it. I still have the cramps though. Haha. I've taken three pills, btw. Watch me OD on Midol. That would be funny.

JESUS as described by Joe

2007-12-16T23:02:00.000-04:00

Joe is a lawyer that works with us at Dunkin every Sunday. He's probably one of the two people I really enjoy talking to (at work, anyway) because he happens to have wit and humor I rarely find in people.

I don't know how it happened, but he and I were talking about the Dalai Lama. He then asked me whether I'm religious. I think I scoffed, I'm not sure, but he laughed and then said "What? You don't subscribe to the baby Jesus?"

"Subscribe?!" I went totally hysterical.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"What? Nobody's ever put it that way for you?" he asked.

"No, I don't think so. I mean, he's not like a magazine or something," I said.

"Sure, he is. But instead of paying dollars, which you do occasionally, you pay with your time and your personal fulfilment. And for all that you get a few good things here and there, but it's mostly crap you wouldn't bother going through. The only problem is that it's harder to end your subscription to the daily Jesus."

The daily Jesus, eh? Absolutely true. Absolutely. Joe's such a genius. Too bad he's thirty-something and married. Haha.

Christmas Party - Dunkin Donuts style

2007-12-13T23:36:00.000-04:00

If there's one thing that I learned about Nick today, it's that he really loves all his people. To prove it, here's Nick's note that he posted at the stores tonight [took a copy, haha]:

Dear Customers,

My business is going really well, but tonight I'm going to have to close the store. I'm taking my staff out for a night of fun. They are the reason this business keeps going and I owe this to them. I am sorry for any inconvenience this has caused you. There are several other Dunkin Donuts in the area that will remain open for the night, but none of them have my staff.

...

Everybody came home with at least $150 worth of something - Christmas bonus checks, gift certs, tickets to games, tickets to movies, electronics. The food was good, the bar was insane. The man showed his appreciation of his employees, and he showed it good.

People ask me why I stay at Dunkin and it is only now that I learn the answer: Nick loves us, me, and there is just no amount of money or comfort out there that could compensate for that.

It was great. I'll come again next year. Maybe I'll win the flat screen tv then. :)

Kitten-ini doing Kundalini

2007-12-11T12:06:00.000-04:00

First time ko mag-Kundalini yoga kanina. [Hindi ako pumasok sa school para maka-attend nung class. Libre eh. Hehe.] OMG. Ang saya. Ibang-iba nga lang siya sa Power Yoga kaya medyo nagulantang ako sa mga pinaggagawa namin. Pero okay lang. Masaya paren.

Yun nga lang nung naka-invert kami kanina, sinabi nung instructor "This is very good for depression." Natawa ako, as in yung talagang di ko napigilan, kaya, ayun, pinagtinginan ako ng mga tao kasi siguro andun sila kasi depressed sila. Eto pa, dalawang beses niya sinabi yun sa buong sequence, so alam mo yun, dalawang beses ako natawa. Nakakahiya kasi alam mo yun, biglang nanlalambot yung braso ko, natutumba ako, ganyan, tapos nawawala yung katahimikan. Eh kasi. Wag na sabihin sa mga tao na invertions are good for depression. We already know that!

Pero after having tried it, I think Kundalini is not for me. Masaya siya. Alam mo yun, di mo mapipigilan yung sarili mo matuwa sa mga pinaggagawa mo [Di rin maiiwasan mahilo lalo na nung nandun na kami sa last rite [it's not a pose kasi moving eh] kasi paikot-ikot kami sa isang spot, clockwise then counterclockwise, pero okay lang, sabi naman eh "If you feel dizzy or lightheaded, feel free to stop." Ang di ko lang maintindihan eh kung bakit gagawa sila ng rite na nakakahilo. ANYWAY.]. Tsaka very intense yung meditation. Ang ayoko lang talaga ay repetitive siya to the nth level. Alam mo yun, repetitive din naman yung ibang yoga styles, pero eto repetitive infitity.

Pero nag-enjoy ako. Lalo na nung sinasabi "Be healed as you ought to be," tsaka "Project for world peace." Hanep. Wichelles naman ganun sa iba eh. Basta mga lengthen your spine, open your chest, feel the strength of your muscles ever lang. Hmp. Hehe. Nagalit daw ba.

PS I kept thinking na maybe I should get my mom to do Kundalini, kaya lang, alam mo yun, the moment she hears yoga sasabihin nun "Transcendental meditation!" like it's a bad thing. And like prayer isn't transcendental meditation. Grrr.

Pizza is socially awkward.

2007-12-10T21:07:00.000-04:00

When I told one of my friends that I was going to the Jets game, her reaction was "Eeek." I understand why. I mean, me in a football game is like drinking lemon-flavored milk - it's not bad but it's not entirely good.

Do you realize how many of the people who watch football games are actually smart? I had thought that the people sitting next to me would be, well, idiots. You know, the typical jock. Boy, was I wrong.

These people store incredible, incredible information in their heads. They know the names of the players and they know who plays what when. They knew which teams had the best and worst defense and offense. Oh, and the rules of the game, they understood it like they made it themselves. If football were a subject in school, these guys would get As. And now that I think about it, football might as well be a subject because to enjoy it you have to understand the science and philosophy behind it, not to mention the extensive history that has brought it to where it is today.

Well, that only goes to show me that nothing is ever what it seems. There you go.

---------------
Today was the last day for Freshman Colloquium [Aw.] and Professor Veysey had treated everybody to pizza, cookies and soda - stuff people eat when they're baked. Haha. Anyway, everybody was around the table when Joseph said "You know, pizza is the most socially awkward food in the world. You gotta touch somebody else's food to get yours. I don't think it gets any more weird than that." Waha.

He also raised a question after Hasan's research was presented today. He said "You said that you had an Asian sample of five. Then you said that fifty-percent of the sample showed signs of discomfort when a person came closer than one meter. Now, I just want to know how that's possible. I mean, how could you get two and a half people?" Waha. Waha. Wahahahaha. When I looked at Professor Veysey, she shrugged her shoulders and said "You gotta hand it to this guy. He really pays attention."

Yeah. I don't care what folks say about people in honors classes. I still think they're nothing short of genius.

I'll miss these lovely little deviants. :(

---------------
My current winter break plans include

Making a porfolio of all my schoool stuff for this term. [I'm a freak, I know.]
Rearranging my closet - very important.
Rearranging my books, maybe even get a new bookcase.
Trying to learn Spanish again.

God, my life is so boring. Haha.

Not funny.

Huhu

2007-12-08T23:23:00.000-04:00

I'm exhausted. Every weekend, I tell myself that it will be my last with Dunkin. When I get there I realize how much fun it is to work there and ~~how fun it is to spit in people's coffee~~ how fun it is to work with the people there. And theeeeen, when I get home all I can think of is how my legs are killing me because I've been on my feet for the last twelve hours or so, not to mention that I will have to do the same thing the following day. :( Ah, but whatever.

It is surprisingly hot here in Jersey. Upper thirties are okay except I've stowed away all my cool-n-comfy jammies and the warmth is kinda killing me.

Two more weeks and the fall term will be over. Wow. It's almost sad...

Then again, spring term will rock sooo hard that I can't wait for it to start. Haha. Have you seen my sched? No? Here it is: *sigh* Isn't it loverrrly?

I'm thinking I'm going to minor in Journalism, just for kicks. Haha. I think it will make my resume pretty interesting, yes? No? ~~Fuck off.~~

*yawn* Coffee's effect is wearing off. Must. Get. Fresh. Cup. *falls asleep*

2007-12-05T23:09:00.000-04:00

Whoa. The past week has been intense! I have been writing left and right and I'm actually a little worn out. I still haven't handed in those papers I was writing, but they've been written and all that's left now is to go through them again, which would I could probably finish by tomorrow.

One thing I want to talk about now is the very "American thing to put thesis statements up front," as Professor Benson had put it. Somehow, I don't see the point of an explicit thesis statement. I think if a writer's good enough, his point will make its way to the reader one way or another. A thesis is only good, I think, when you're starting the outline, and trying to figure out what to write.

Ah, but whatever. I have bigger things to work on. Like my newest tutee at Snyder who speaks very fluent ghetto. Now, we've been over this. The last thing I am is ghetto and this young man comes along and asks help with English. Oi. I had him write, uh, a shall we say, assessment paragraph so that I could see how much work needs to be done and, well, it's going to be a lot. *sigh*

Hm, did the presentation for the colloquium paper today. Yay. Reactions were positive. My favorite was 'Yours was so much better than the other. That was the most boring thing I have ever seen in my life.' Yay. :)

I'm giving learning Spanish another try. Haha. Wish me luck. :)

It's good to be back. :)

*

2007-11-22T23:23:00.000-04:00

I haven't been successful in starting a healthcare reform movement here at home, but I was certainly able to get half of the house to sit through the entire length of Sicko, and on their own accord! Ha! And they did get the message, despite Moore's awfully exaggerated and/or oversimplified statements. And I'm glad. Because what matters more than the turkey we had today (Wait, we didn't have turkey at all!) is the fact that they've snapped out of their America-is-so-perfect haze... for now. Ah well, there will be more films to show them in the future, yes?

During the movie, my dad told me that back home one of his ex-coworkers had gotten an inner ear operation kind of thing. He didn't go much into the details, I guess because he didn't know them. But the whole point is that my dad's former employer, a fairly competitive bank, paid for the entire thing, THE ENTIRE THING, meds included. He then asked me, "Ibig sabihin mas maganda pa sa Pilipinas?"

I wanted to slap him, laugh at his face then say "Took you this long to realize it?" But then I would have been thrown out in the cold, which is not exactly ideal since temps are dropping below freezing tonight, plus it's Thanksgiving, and we're supposed to be thankful about all the wonderful things that have happened to us in the past year. None of us should be wearing our grudge-badges tonight, even if it's tempting to do so at these family things.

I digress, though. The fact is that the Philippines is still paradise. I still think about our house, with our three coconut trees (Yeah, we had coconut trees. Isn't that great?), with the ivy, with our enormous rocking chairs, with the birds to wake you up in the morning and the crickets to lull you to sleep at night. The racially homogenous communities and the faces that smile through all the hardship life has managed to throw at us have become elements of my wet dreams. *sigh*

There are only two differences between living here in America and living in the Philippines. First, food is cheap here. Almost nobody is hungry. [But don't think that America is poverty-free, because that would be a gross lie. Oh, they have poor people here, and like all poor people they too worry about housing and healthcare and steady employment.] And secondly, nobody is happy here. I think it's because of all the working they do. Nobody has time to enjoy the money they make, that's provded they make enough that they have some left off after taxes and all their expenses.

People wonder why I don't want to be an American, as if the answer wasn't obvious.

So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, if there's one thing I'm thankful for:

I am thankful that I am a Filipino.

Heaven: The road back home is shorter than you know

2007-11-21T21:46:00.000-04:00

I slept a good part of this day, which is great since I have been more sleep-deprived than usual because of the caffeine that seem to make it into my system by my "sniffing the fumes" during the weekend. But then, I fail to mention why I was so willing to curl up under the sheets in broad daylight: my head was throbbing. It happened while I was reading in the train. I've never before had problems with reading while the train is in motion, and I don't know what to blame it on besides the fact that I think I need new glasses.

I don't wear my glasses because they make me look like a complete dork (not that I'm not one already). And all things considered, my eye sight is pretty good. There are just moments, such as the train incident today, that remind me that my vision isn't as good as I think it is.

When I came home today, my grandma, I think, wanted to spend a few good minutes interacting, but I dismissed her and told her my head was throbbing. She told me the exact same thing I was thinking: I need to get re-prescripted and for now, need to lie down and sleep.

Lovely. Insurance or no insurance, glasses are expensive. And contacts are out of question due to my lax PCS [personal care system]. Bleh.

On other news, when I told one of my friends what happened with Becca yesterday, I got a "That was harsh." Haha. Well, it was harsh, wasn't it? But I can think of a couple of things I would like to tell Becca, if I get the chance, and none of them have anything to do with hate, anger or my personal favorite loneliness. As a matter of fact, I feel that it is now my responsibility to tell her how I really felt about her, if I had failed to make that known in the process, in which case she would have to be incredibly stupid to miss the message. Regardless, the speech would probably go something like: "I really did love you, you know. Even if I never told you, I hope that I had shown you, even in the littlest ways, that I cared for you a lot." or something to that effect, at least.

*sigh*

Among my list of videos to watch over Thanksgiving weekend are Sicko, Fahrenheit 9/11 and An Inconvenient Truth. This means hours of getting my family to please, please, please watch them with me, so that my family won't remain as ~~ignorant~~ indifferent of the world as they currently are. But, as I have been dismissed by these guys a million times even before Michael Moore's films, I know that all I'll get from my coercive efforts are "I have better things to do" or "You watch them if you like them so much." Pfft.

[The title is totally unrelated to the content, I know. Haha.]

Lucky Dumpling

2007-11-20T23:06:00.000-04:00

I was about forty-five minutes early for the Calculus exam, which is fine since I had Becca to kill time with. While she and I desperately tried to study, our hands were a lovely knot I held on my lap.

She looked up from her work and asked me what I was thinking about.

"Nothing. Just. Nothing. Forget it," I said.

"No, tell me."

"I'll tell you after the exam, okay?"

"You'll tell me now," she said.

"Or else what?"

"No 'or else' because you'll tell me now," she said.

I told her about the teacher certification process. I told her about the citizenship requirement. I told her everything I was thinking, everything I was feeling. I emptied myself completely because I knew she would understand.

"Well, just get naturalized then. It's no big deal," she said.

I frowned. "No big deal? If it's no big deal, why get naturalized at all? This is a big deal. It's a very big deal," I told her. I was trying not to sound upset.

"Everything to you is a big deal."

"What does that mean?"

"Look, getting naturalized is practical more than anything else, okay? It doesn't make you any less Filipino or any more American. It's just a piece of paper."

"No, it's not. I don't want to be an American. Don't you get it? I love being Filipino."

"You don't have to stop being Filipino."

"But I'll be American."

"It just helps you get around. You'll need a decent job, you'll need property, you'll need to get naturalized sooner or later if you intend to stay here."

I sighed. "I feel like I'm betraying a part of me," I told her. I was sad.

"Just think of it as one of those things you have to do because you don't have a choice."

"But I do have a choice."

It was then that I noticed how aggravated she was getting. For a moment, I was afraid. I squeezed my hand to squeeze hers but I realized that she had let go of mine. She was shaking her head. She was laughing, pretending the impending signs of doom weren't there.

A cold fear gripped every single part of my body. I sought her hand. I needed to hold it, to feel it. I needed the comfort that only she could bring. But she folded her arms. And I was left staring at the floor where we sat, praying that none of it was so.

"You're different, and you're wonderful..."

I looked at her. She kept talking. But I wasn't catching the words. All that I understood was "not working" and "too different for me and for your own good."

I don't know what she was waiting for me to say. I didn't understand more than half of what she said. I just looked at her. I just kept looking. And all the while I was thinking, "No. Don't leave me," but somehow the words would not come.

"Say something," she said. "Say anything."

"I think, Becca, you already spoke for the both of us."

--------------
Mabuhay ang Moonpools and Caterpillars! I haven't listened to these guys since I broke the tape I had of their album, Lucky Dumpling. Think about it, the album was on a tape. Some of you people reading this might even be saying "What's a tape?" Idiots.

But before I had any of the [little] knowledge of music that I had now, I've already loved them. It was a shame that they only made one official record, and that they never made it big. Their music makes me really, really want to go home. I don't know if people can hear it, but in their music I hear the makings of Parokya ni Edgar, Barbie's Cradle, the original Imago, and maybe even Moonstar88 before they got all jologs. And if I were not the die-hard Moonpools fan that I am, I would say that their music is home-grown, but it's not. They were Glendale-based. And, haha, the reason I started listening to them was because I heard my aunt would blast the cassette recoder while she and I did our chores.

"One day soon it's gonna happen to you and when it does it won't be pretty."

~~Hear that Becca?~~

[To be edited]

2007-11-18T21:37:00.000-04:00

The weekend before Thanksgiving is sooo not the weekend when I want to be having weird pains all over my body. My left eye is going on relapse and I look, well, actually, quite the same. But it still doesn't change the fact that I feel like I have a pebble the size of a grape pressing on my left eye. For some reason, my right shoulder is killing me, but then I tend to exaggerate things. I'm still trying to figure out whether it's because of the way I lay down on the bed or whether it's because I haven't had the time to do my yoga lately. [Of course, I use the word "lately" as if I'm only referring to a week's worth inactivity, when in fact it has been... I don't even know anymore.]

[edit]

Okay, let me paste this comment that has been posted on my Friendster.

"hi honey!!;) i missyeuw nah...mxtah na kitten kuh?...;) paramdam ka naman poh...;) col mo ko sa house...i still have the same one...;) missyeuw babe..;) yngat!;) muahy!;) "

Now... First reaction: WTF?! This comment is from my, uh, ex who I haven't seen or talked to since my first year in high school.

Second reaction: I dated this girl?! :( Oh god, I honestly want to cry. I mean seriously. I missyeuw nah... Holymotheroffriggingawd. I can't believe I dated her! All the intricacies of the English language has been lost on her. Missyeuw babe... Hayup. I'm sorry. I just can't imagine having dated someone who seems to have the depth of a wading pool.

Third reaction: She's asking me to call her as if doing so won't cost me money. It's one of two things, then. Either she thinks I can actually afford to call her or she has no idea that I'm now in Jersey City. OMG, is it possible that I dated somebody else with the same name? [As far as I know, though, she's the only one in this earth with the name... Sorry, name withheld. Kawawa naman eh.] Because, OMG, if this is my idea of a person I can be with, I need to do some serious soul searching. Oh, oh, oh. I also have lost her number. Haha.

Final reaction: What does she want? No, what do all my exs want, huh? Why can't they just leave me the fuck in peace so I can go about my daily life? I mean, can't a person burn bridges anymore, huh? *deep breath* Sorry. Just hate it when my exs contact me. *deep breath*

--------------
Becca asked me whether I think I'm a religious person. I laughed and told her that I'm spiritual but not religious. She looked at me funny, then asked "What the hell does that mean?" Haha. Isn't she cute? :)

I told her that I believe in a god. I believe that there is something bigger than me out there, although I can't say what or who. I told her that I believe in transcendence. Then I told her that I can't say I believe in Christ or Allah and all those other deity. (Although, if given the freedom, I'd probably worship Odin coz he's really cool.) I'm spiritual, like, I respect life and value good deeds and all those other ~~hippie~~ shit.

Then she grabbed the earphone pendant (Made it myself, btw.) I was wearing around my neck and said "Why do you wear this?"

"Well," I began. "Music is my religion."

She laughed then said "You're so weird. Seriously."

So I told her "You're finally catching on."

Then she was quiet. Uh, yikes?

Pumpkin muffins taste funny.

2007-11-15T12:35:00.000-04:00

They do. Mine tastes like, uh, paper that's been soaked in nutmeg and cinnamon. Yeah. So it basically tastes like wet cinn-meg cardboard. Oh yeah. Nevertheless, this is the only meal I will be having for the day so... *eats*

Ew.

---------------
Whenever I tell stories like the one I am about to tell you, I feel that the reaction I will get from people is "That's rich coming from someone who doesn't believe in God." And I can't really blame anyone for thinking that since I do happen to display a certain amount of aetheism. But what I have come to understand, and this I do not bother to explain to other people, is that there is something bigger out there. I don't know what or who it is. I just know that nothing is ever in my control.

I woke up late today, *tsk tsk* super late that I didn't even get to make myself a cup of coffee. As a result, I was dozing off on the train to school. Now, there's a certain plane of consciousness where you are neither asleep nor awake, where your mind continues to work but your body does not, and I guess I went into that a while ago. But as far as I was concerned, I "knew" I was awake.

Apparently, I wasn't awake because I felt a hand shake me awake. I opened my eyes and saw this Indian girl. I would have missed my stop (well, not really, since my stop is the last one. But then I would have ended up in the place where trains go after they reach the last stop and I have no intention of finding out where that is. Haha.). But divine providence, my dears! Divine providence.

Go ahead, start telling me that I have no right to talk about divine providence. All I know is that there is something or someone out there that will always be looking out for me. And I am thankful.

Shurikens and paper hearts

2007-11-14T20:12:00.000-04:00

We sat together, talking about high school. I asked him if he graduated from a public school, he said yes. He asked me if I graduated from a private school, I said yes. He asked me if it was an exclusive girl school, I said yes. Then he said "I wish I went to an all girl school." I laughed hard. That's Igor for you.

He was busy doodling, making meaningless shapes. "I am going to draw you the cutest snail you will ever see," I told him.

This was the snail i came up with. He laughed then proceeded to draw a snail himself.

I couldn't believe it. His snail was cuter than mine. I looked up at him, and he was beaming. He knew my snail was no longer the cutest in the world.

I got bored. I started folding a little paper heart out of the writing the both of us were supposed to be doing. He watched me carefully, and I looked up now and again, enjoying his fascination. When I was done, I gave the heart to him.

He examined it, the way a doctor would examine his patient. Then he tore a piece of his notebook, and started folding away. I caught myself watching with the same fascination he displayed minutes before. When he was done, he handed his creation to me.

It was a shuriken. I couldn't help but laugh at the utter juvenility of it. He was laughing too.

For a moment, I couldn't look at him and he was evading my eyes too. And to break the silence I said, "Thank you." But I didn't know exactly what I was thanking him for.

---------------
I am such a dork, but I want that best-seller collection e-book. NAO PLOX.

Haha.

Chelsea

2007-11-13T21:21:00.000-04:00

She's one of the freshmen I work with at Snyder. Then again, I shouldn't say that I work with her since she doesn't really come in for tutoring. She comes in mostly to talk to me.

She and I happen to love music, which is basically super glue in my world. She, like me, is quite different. I've read her poetry, I've listened to her music and her stories and I can say that at one point, all three of those coincide. I guess you can say that I see a little of myself in her: there is hardly any distinction between my writing, my music and my life. But there's something else about Chelsea that draws me to her. She strikes me, and I say this only because there is no other way to say it, as a deeply disturbed person.

You can say I'm psychoanalyzing her a little too much, that I'm scribbling all of these notes about her when I could be helping her out or something. But the truth is that I don't know where to start. All I know is that when people are deviant, it is because they have lost the concept of the norm. And socialization is the best way to relearn everything.

Professor Veysey said that labeling a person as a deviant never helps. There is a clinical term for Chelsea's condition, but I won't use it, although I am tempted to. I believe that Professor Veysey is right: doing so will only send Chelsea to her doom.

She talks a lot. Half the time, I really have no idea what she's talking about. But I nod, I try to listen and I ask questions. I know it sounds stupid but I believe that people who have different needs don't need to be institutionalized, nor do they need to go through the grieving-seeking help-getting better-relapse process. I think that all Chelsea needs is somebody to talk to. I've said it before and I'll say it again. We all just need somebody to talk to.

Next term is going to be hell, I know it. I really know it. And a part of me is saying Don't be stupid. Quit that tutoring gig. But then a part of me, a really huge part of me is telling me that there are students there who could use my help. Damn superhero complex...

Final thought: Even superheroes have demons.

---------------
Reading Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America by Barbara Ehrenreich has opened my eyes to the harsh reality of life everywhere. American dream, my ass. It doesn't matter where you are. It doesn't matter which continent, which country, which city, which street. Strife is a given.

---------------
Speaking of my eyes, my left eye slash my left eye socket hurts like crazy. Do we have lymph nodes there? Because the ones under my ears are swollen, I'm guessing the ones around the eye area, if there are any, are swelling up too. It would be a convenient explanation and I'd stop fussing about it. Still, I look like somebody beat me up. Then again, I always look like somebody beat me up.

Oooh, and I thought about taking a picture of my face, but I still have some self-respect left so, yeah, NO. Just take my word for it. It looks bad. All it needs is some black and blue.

Rants, Raves and Everything in Between

2007-11-12T20:15:00.000-04:00

Rave:
(1) I am virtually lab free for the rest of the term and I aced the last TA-OK so... *sings* Celebrate good times, c'mon!

Rants:
(1) I was blocked by the Registrar's system this morning. I was unable to add/drop courses and by the time I could, ooh, my Psych102 of choice was filled. The suckiest part is not the fact that the class was filled, but that all other alternate classes were in conflict with my required courses. I'm missing three fucking credits for the requirement at HC. Holy shit. There will be hell to pay. I SWEAR.
(2) Bad day at Colloquium. I almost cried. It was stupid. But everything they were talking about just hit so close to home. If there's one thing I find difficult to tolerate, it's lack of understanding.
(3) Bad day in general. Woke up late and all that stuff.

In Between:
(1) "I admire you for your candor." :)

---------------
Dear Valium*,

You really shook me today with what you said. And the last thing I expected for you to do was follow me down the staircase. I said it a while ago, and I will say it again: It was unnecessary. Some things, I have learned are better left unsaid or really just don't need to be said. But I thank you, nonetheless. You were one of the two things that went right today.

I admire you for your candor too.

*real name withheld

rubs eyes

2007-11-11T23:29:00.000-04:00

Working twelve hours sucks. I'm beat.

---------------
I wanted to write something about social control in action in the school system but I find that all I do is stare into nothingness until all things get blurred.

I guess I'll save it. *shrugs*

yawn

2007-11-09T23:37:00.000-04:00

I am tired.

The feelings are here but the words aren't coming. I can't form sentences that are coherent, expressive and/or just plain clear enough. So random words, put them together yourself, figure it out (if you want to).

Philosopher. Me. Lonely. Liberal arts major. High-level math. UNDERSESTIMATED. Carried away. Possibly happy. Hesitant. Afraid. Tired. Toxic. Teacher certification. Naturalization. Dread. Lonely. Skeleton. Lillies. First draft. Something Corporate. Aesthetic experience. MAE. Lu. Jacob Marshall. Throwing up. Dumb blondes. Comfort ~~food~~ grades. Understand. SPEAK MY LANGUAGE. Lonely. Stupid. Obedient. Rain. Weeping inside. Water. Future. Loss. Inadequate. Dying inside.

*cries*

You can't make it better. Nobody can, so don't even ask.

*cries*

Age Before Beauty

2007-11-05T19:15:00.000-04:00

I stood near the end of the line for the bus as I waited for everybody else to board. I looked around and saw that there were only a handful of us still waiting to get on. The [no-so-old] man standing in front of me signalled me to go on before he did. I smiled then shook my head. He smiled then said something, but I didn't catch it because my Zen [as usual] was playing really loud. I pulled one earphone out and asked "What?"

He said "Age before beauty, right?"

I managed to force a laugh and then I said, "No, it's not that. I live pretty close by so I don't really need to get a seat."

The truth is that I was pretty embarassed by what he said. Age before beauty. Had it been a younger man, I would have gladly stepped in front of him and said thank you. But it wasn't a young man. It was an old man. I am so ashamed because I forgot, for a second there, that he wasn't just an old person. He was a man too, whose manliness depended on showing off his chivalry to young'uns like me. After all, there are other qualities that define manliness ~~besides brute strength~~ even after brute strength is gone.

Chivalry is not dead
But it hangs by a thread.

I didn't mean for that to rhyme. But whatever. It works. :)

---------------
I learned a new word today: Facefucked. Hm, it's a good word. It means "stalked at Facebook." I love talking to Igor. It's always a learning experience.

Sure, let that be the reason why I love talking to him.

Bore me to death and I swear I'll haunt you.

2007-11-02T21:05:00.000-04:00

I should really be working on revising that little C+ tragedy of mine, but my creative juices seem to want to alot themselves to imagining how my conversation with Jayar tomorrow will go. It's not as productive, of course, but it's hell entertaining! Oh, I wonder if he would be able to tell that I have missed him. Oooh, and I wonder what questions he'll ask me. Oooh, and I wonder if we'll laugh a lot or if we'll have uncomfortable silences. Oooh, and I wonder if he'll have as much fun as me. HA! Imagining rocks!

Other news: Professor Benson said I had a unique style. I HAVE A STYLE, people. I didn't even know that. Ha! But I'm taking that complement! :)

So yeah. We wrote little pretend letters to C.P. Ellis and she had me read mine in class. I swear, I was shaking. I mean, I don't mind people reading my work. But having to come up front and read it WHILE PEOPLE ARE STARING AT YOU WITH JUDGEMENTAL EYES, holy shit, is just terrifying. But yes. No getting away from Professor Benson; she is far too coercive. And I do suffer from her praise in class, you know. I hate being singled out. I mean, single me out in your head, woman. Don't let everybody else know, for chrissakes.

I've been trying to look at all the stuff I've written in the past months and see what "style" she's talking about. As of late, I have no clue whatsoever on what she's talking about. I could ask her, you know, but that's just awkward and I don't fish for complements. They just come to me. Haha.

Planning for next term sucks. Right now, I have HonEngComp 104, GenBio102, Philo103, Psych102 and Math237 on my list of classes that I want to take. Exciting? Not really. Just getting rid of all the gen-ed requirements.

Oooh, and a really, really good thing about being part of the Honors College is that we register before everybody else. Ha! Way cool. :) I register on Monday.

Waaah.

2007-10-31T22:06:00.000-04:00

C+ hurts.

Somebody bake me some brownies... NOW.

[The analogy, I've been told, is to be hurt as many times as possible for

not being good,
not being good enough,
the amusement of other people, and
the sake of it.

Because at some point, the passion will burn more than the pain. What a sadistic world we live in.] [I don't know if I like that.] [Up yours, C+.]

Now, I understand.

2007-10-30T22:12:00.000-04:00

I'm a firm believer that people come into our lives for specific reasons.

I've realized that Jayar's back in my life because it is my karma. It sounds utterly ridiculous writing about it, but he's back in my life to bring me back to God, just as I brought him back to God. It hit me while I was reading his last two emails.

It's almost cruel, you know, that the once aetheist boy I knew will be the same one teaching me about God's omnipotence and omnipresence. And he seemed so surprised to hear me say that I'm now a non-believer. To be honest, had it been anybody else, I would have lied about it, told them I'm still the YFC-going, God-is-so-going-to-help-me-through-my-problems, 100-percent-pure [Of course, I use the term pure loosely.] girl that I was two years ago. But I know he would understand me, and would never take anything like that against me, so I was compelled to tell him the truth, and he did understand.

But now that I've admitted to going astray, he seems to want to bring me back to God. That isn't a bad thing, of course. I won't deny that I miss the overwhelming feeling of knowing that there's someone greater than you, that someone can make things happen for you regardless of the odds. But to know that he's in my life right now only because it is my karma makes me sad.

It is my karma. It is his karma. To all beings, a purpose. We can only receive what we have given.

But you know what? If anybody's going to take me back to God, I'm glad it's him. He's walked the path I walk now. Nobody can lead the lost better than those who have found the way.

Haynaku!

2007-10-29T20:41:00.000-04:00

Things that I have [re]learned about Jayar thus far:

He's moved out of Tita's house.
He now works as a graphic designer
According to him, he's more mature.
He now has no problems whatsoever in referring to god or God or GOD, whatever works for you.
He still loves bavarian creme donuts. Cute, yes?
He's still a (hardcore) musician but has gone from bassist to vocalist.

Well, exchanging emails with him has done me little good [or too much bad, depends on how you want to look at it. And don't ask me which one I think is more possitive. I'm not about to get into an argument due to the intricacies of the English language.]. But there's no sense pretending like I don't want him to email me or that I don't look forward to his next message. I mean, I email him back, for chrissakes. That means I want to hear from him again, diba? *facepalm*

The main point here is this: People don't keep in touch just for the sake of keeping in touch. I'm a cynic, I have trust issues, I overthink things... I've heard them all, save it for my first trip to the therapist. I just can't seem to get it out of my head, you know? If I had my way, I'd type up WHAT DO YOU WANT? just to get it over with. Foreplay is only good for sex, people. Tsk, I hate preliminaries.

---------------
I wish people would stop compensating for their inadequacies.

---------------
When my playlist choice goes from Lo-fi to Emo, you know something's up.

wide grin

2007-10-28T19:17:00.000-04:00

Pag bigyan niyo na ako, okay. Kung mamimili ako sa mga ex ko kung sino ang pinakasiniryoso ko, yung tipong inimagine ko yung sarili kong tumatanda kasama sila, isa si Jayar sa dalawa. [Uuuy, blind item: Yung isa, pangalan six letters, naguumpisa sa C at dalawang pantig lang ang haba ng pangalan niya. Babae.]

Kaya ba hindi ko maalis sa sarili ko na mangiti ng mabasa ko sa message niya sa'kin na "miss na miss na miss" na niya ako. Nakakapanlambot naman ng puso diba? Kahit sabihin mo pa sa'kin na iba ang ibig niyang sabihin, kahit na sabihin mo pa sa'kin na malayo siya ngayon sa'kin, yun lang nangahas siyang sabihin sa'kin na nangungulila siya para sa'kin ay higit pa sa sapat. Sabi ko nga sa inyo, siniryoso ko siya, kahit na magulo ang mga pangyayari. At si Jayar, si Papa Jayar, hindi ko lang [ex]boyfriend; best friend ko din siya, pwera biro.

To be honest, I don't know how I'm supposed to treat him now. A part of me thinks that it has been too long, just too long, since we've exchanged hellos to even remember how friendship works. And an even greater part of me doesn't even want to remember how that friendship worked because to do so would mean remembering how love grew from that friendship, and I'm not one for opening cans of worms. But then there's this part of me that longs for him, you know? There's a part of me that remembers how wonderful it was to hold hands, to walk at night, to spend entire afternoons together doing nothing, to listen to and make music [My guitar still smells of his perfume.]... He was great, and we were great together. We were polar opposites, but we made it work...

*sigh*

Becca's mad and, surprisingly, I don't care.

heavy sigh

2007-10-27T00:10:00.000-04:00

Nagmamadali ako. Kelangan ko na kasi matulog at may pasok pa ako sa trabaho bukas ng super aga. Di naman ako makareklamo kay Nick kasi shempre bago ako... pero ayos lang. Masaya naman sa Hoboken eh.

Minessage ako ng ex ko sa Friendster. Okay. Ang pinaguusapan nating ex ay ang dakilang si Jayar. Potah, nawawala ako sa tama dahil minessage niya ako!!!

Isipin niyo naman, ang tagal-tagal ko na siyang hindi nakakausap. As in totally wala. Kasi, alam mo yun, nag-aaway sila Mimi pag nag-uusap kami so huwag na lang, diba? Tapos di rin maiwasan na mailang kami sa isa't isa kasi, hello, mashadong magulo ang mga pangyayari... at inaamin ko na isa ako sa naging problema.

Anyhoo, nung nakita ko na minessage niya ako, ang first thought sa mind ko ay, BAKIT? Tipong, ANONG KELANGAN NIYA, PERA? Ang sama ko, diba? Pero mahigit kumulang nang dalawang taon ang lumipas mula nang huli ko siyang makasama at makausap ng maayos. Hindi ko maalis sa sarili ko na magtaka.

Nang buksan ko ang message niya, wala namang special. Nangungumusta lang. Hehe. Binati pa nga niya ang picture na nakalagay sa profile ko. So dahil nangungumusta lang siya, lalo akong nagdududa.

Masama na kung masama, pero pagkatapos ko magreply, ang unang-una kong ginawa ay nagpunta ako sa profile niya at tininingnan ang relationship status niya.

SINGLE.

Potah. Laking tuwa ko diba? Kasi ngayong wala na si Mimi sa eksena, magkakausap na kami ulit. Yehey.

Ayun. Wala lang. Sharing.

Naisip ko tuloy... Namiss ko siya.

Copyright infringement na kung copyright infringement, pero eto ang picture niya.

When It Rains, It LOVE Pours

2007-10-26T22:21:00.000-04:00

I stepped into her car.

"Put on your music," she said. I jacked in my player and the music echoed inside her car.

"What the hell is that?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "It's Gregorian chant, idiot. It's one of the most intense music in the world," I said.

"Intense, huh?" She stepped on the gas. The car sped through the highway.

"Oh my god," I said.

"Are you scared?" She was laughing.

"Does it matter if I am?" I asked. She stared into me. "You'll say 'Don't be scared,' and I'll say 'I'm with you; I don't have to be.'" I looked at her. I waited for her to say something.

Then she laughed and said "You're so crazy."

"I know, but then so are you."

On the Hunt

2007-10-24T19:52:00.000-04:00

I'm looking for somewhere new to host this thing. [I'm thinking, Livejournal kaya lang... Well. I kinda like Blogger.] I just don't want to have to deal with tranferring the archives and all of that. But recent [And very chilling, might I add] discoveries have proven that it is now necessary to move this thing. Too many unwanted guests. Bakit ba ngayon ko lang chineck ulit yung tracker ko? I mean, kaya nga ako may tracker diba? Para kapag merong mga... Haynaku. Bahala na si Batman.

~~Tangina.~~

Dalawa lang yan eh. I'll move or I'll stop blogging. Guess which one I'll choose.

~~Fuck.~~

[edit] [edit]
Okay. I've decided. I'll be updating my Livejournal from now on. If you don't know my Livejournal, I have it on one of my links. But it's a 'Friends Only' site so... restricted access, kelangan may Livejournal kayo, kelangan i-add niyo ako as a friend, kelangan i-friend ko kayo and all that drama, my lovelies. Pasensiya na. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Blame the colonizers for my bahala na behavior; I'm sticking to Blogger.

----------------
I bs-ed my Bio lab exam. Major bs. Good luck na lang sa'kin.

On the lighter side of the news, I aced the Bio lecture exam. Oh yeah. *celebratory dance sequence* May matching kindat and pat on the back pa yan from the terrible TA, Ying-Han Chen. Yan, my friends, ang tinatawag na law of compensation. You can't be at the very bottom. Something, often something small, will always have to go right. :)

---------------
[This entry has spanned two days. Haha. Thought I'd let you in on the secret.]

I'm not one to embed videos on my blog. I often find that most videos online are either irrelevant to me or just plain stupid. This one I'm sharing because it's insight into... Insight to... Just see for yourself.

As a Filipino, I share similar views to that expressed on this video. Let's face it: having been repeatedly colonized has definitely impeded our [re]discovery of who we are. To quote Stokely Carmichael, "I do not want to be a part of the American pie. The American pie means raping South Africa, beating Vietnam, beating South America, raping the Philippines, raping every country you've been in." People say I'm lucky to be here and there are times when I believe them. But when I think about my country, I can't help but want to come back.

[When I was in UP and took history under Prof K, he taught me history I otherwise would have never learned. What I want to know is why that history is not the one everybody learns in school. Knowledge is power, diba?]

---------------
My friend said I should start podcasting. Good idea? Bad idea?

Teehee.

2007-10-22T22:02:00.000-04:00

I really ought to be studying for my Bio lab exam. But how could I possibly concentrate on studying something as... inconsequential as biology when I've just had the best day of my life? Ayun naman pala kasi. I had a great day. Bakit? Because today, I had two moments of transition.

...
Professor Vesey says that in any society, all its members have statuses [the word 'status' not pertaining to a hierarchy]. Those statuses are roles that have expectations and behaviors attached to them. Further, a single person can have a multitude of statuses all at once. A person can be a daughter, a sister, a mom and a teacher, all at once. [Notice how I used 'person' instead of 'girl'. In a generally patriarchal schema, being a girl is also considered a status.] But one of those statuses will be a master status, that is, a status that is of higher regard than the others.

Everything is dynamic, of course, so no one status can ever be permanent. A person can either go from a good status to a better status or a good status to a bad status. When a person changes his status, he has to shed the expectations and behaviors that are attached to it through anticipatory socialization. A person must learn the expectations and behaviors of his anticipated status by taking them on little by little. But a person changes his status not through anticipatory socialization, but through a single moment, where, and people are unaware of this, he is given a new label. That single moment is the moment of transition. [For example, a high school student (status 1) changes status to become a college student (status 2). The moment of transition is graduation.]

...
First moment of transition
I was on my way out of the classroom when this conversation happened.

Professor Benson: Kristina?
Kitten: Yes, professor?
Professor Benson: I really loved that insight you gave in class last week.
Kitten: [confused]
Professor Benson: You don't remember?
Kitten: No. I'm sorry.
Professor Benson: The one on blackbird. You said it was the most important word in the text and related it to the Beatles song and empowerment.
Kitten: Oh, that.
Professor Benson: Yeah. I was overimpressed. I thought that was very good.
Kitten: Thank you. I just have a knack for these things, I guess.
Professor Benson: And you said you wanted to be a writer?
Kitten: Yeah. I mean, I have the heart for it. I just need to acquire the skills.
Professor Benson: Well, are you thinking writing in the market or something in the academe?
Kitten: I'm seriously considering becoming a teacher, actually.
Professor Benson: High school or college level?
Kitten: High school, maybe college. I still don't know. But I know I want to do literature.
Professor Benson: Well, I think you'll have more fun teaching high school. I teach college level literature and, don't get me wrong because it's really fun, we don't get to explore as much of that creativity that you seem to want to tap into. I mean, I could do that in my classes, but not really. And you can take Teacher Certification courses right here at Rutgers.
Kitten: Yeah, I know. I still have time to think about it, though.
Professor Benson: I've been meaning to email you about it. I just haven't found the time.
Kitten: Oh, thanks.
Professor Benson: If you're really thinking about becoming a teacher, then I'm encouraging you. I think you'd be great.
Kitten: Thanks, professor.

Ayun. In a single moment, I became an aspiring teacher.

...
My second moment of transition, I can't write about here coz it was weird.

---------------
Oh, how I love those big, blue, Russian eyes. *melts*

We were in quads for English [making critiques for another quad's work] when Igor suddenly goes Why couldn't have Kitten written this with her MS Word handwriting? I looked up for two reasons: I heard my name and I heard Igor's voice. I looked at Igor and he was beaming at me.

What's the problem, Ig?

I can't read this. I want you to rewrite this, he says.

Gimme, I reply quickly and rewrite the whole thing in under two minutes. All the while, I felt his eyes watching me, and to be honest, I loved every friggin second of it. *melts*

When I walked into Vesey's class, Ig goes Alright, Kitten's in the house, and beams up at me again.

I mean, sure, I hate the phrase "in the house". And, sure, he's a ~~fucking~~ conservative. But, oh my god, those eyes are just lovely. *sigh*

Lay with me, I could use the company...

2007-10-19T20:07:00.001-04:00

~~Fuck.~~

I said I'd write my English paper. Instead, I'm absorbed by Candace's blog. I'm worried about her. I think she cut herself last night. :(

[These are the times I am reminded of how she is a mirror image of me. The only thing we don't have in common is ~~that she's a slut and I'm not~~ that... Okay, I'm stumped.]

Walked in the rain today. Sweeeeet.

I love Candy. Wait, what? I meant candy that you eat. Yeah. Like chocolate and stuff. Yeah. That's what I meant.

I should get started on that paper...

[edit]

I'm getting myself some new nail polish tomorrow. ~~This sadness is killing me.~~

Waha.

2007-10-18T19:26:00.000-04:00

*sigh*

I love the feeling of being up front. I love the feel of the chalk in my fingers. I love the sound of my voice as it echoes through the classroom walls. I love looking through their eyes, and seeing right into their souls. I love making them laugh. I love the way they make me laugh.

I want to be a teacher. Final answer na itu.

sigh

2007-10-17T07:11:00.000-04:00

I wore a long-sleeved shirt to tutoring yesterday because I was afraid the kids would see the cuts. Imagine my surprise when Chavere came up to me and said "What happened to your arm?" I remember looking down for a moment, covering my wrists with my sleeve and looking up at Chavere. How will I explain it to her?

---------------
Yesterday, Anita, Joanna and I were talking about how well the tutoring was going, especially with the growing number of students participating in the program. Then Anita suddenly said "Joanna, you will want to keep them until the next term, won't you?" And that was when it hit me.

Well, next term will certainly be a little more demanding, especially with my plans of taking on a little more credits than what I took this term. Then there's the fact that my schedule might change drastically. I really don't know yet. But why do I feel like I've committed myself to them?

Maybe because in my heart, I already have.

Kitten <3 Snyder High School

And the decline begins...

2007-10-15T23:03:00.000-04:00

There was a time when I thought you were perfect for me. There was a time when I thought you were perfect for her. Now, I think the only person you're perfect for is yourself.

Until I see the real you, the Phil that I knew and loved, I will keep telling myself that this is just your defenses kicking in. I will take nothing against you - not your words and not your actions. I know that I cannot protect you from the pains of the world, especially the ones that you have inflicted on yourself, and this is just your way of coping. I understand. I will always understand.

I am not your enemy, Phil. I am on your side too. I wish you'd see that. You are hurting me more than you realize.

*cries*

---------------
There are no more words, only a painful realization that it's time to burn bridges.

And the decline begins...

Bye, happy days. Somehow I knew you were too good to last.

:)

2007-10-13T11:03:00.000-04:00

*sigh*

Thank you.

---------------
1: I want to be everything to you.
2: You are... You are.

Agape [ah-ge-peh]

2007-10-12T13:04:00.000-04:00

I'm more determined to ~~prove that I can~~ write.

---------------
Yesterday, Mai and I were at Snyder. We sat in a circle with Dwight, and I was solving one of his geometry problems when he asked, "Why do you wear your hair in a bun?"

I looked up, cleared my throat and said, "Well, I wear it in a bun because if I don't, my hair is all over my face."

He reached for my bangs fixed it. "Turn your head," he said.

"No," I said.

He grabbed my chin and made me face him. "Oooh," he said.

He then reached behind head and tried to pull off the scrunchie, to no avail of course. [I don't spend an eternity doing my hair just so people can undo it just like that.] So, I thought Why not? and undid my bun.

Dwight then put my headband on me, then patted my head.

Later, Sam came into the room and took Dwight away. When he came back, he stopped at the door and said "I don't understand why you don't wear your hair down. You are more beautiful when you don't wear it up."

Mai and I exchanged looks, then laughed.

---------------
I love Tuesdays and Thursdays with Mai. <3

Yesterday, we grabbed food at Checkers then headed for Lincoln Park to eat there. It was great. We sat at one of the picnic tables even if it was freezing out. Then we went to sit under one of the willows. And, this is the part I love the most, we walked in the rain and went on the swings.

I love being a kid. :)

[Of course, I did get sick from all that rain. I stayed home today because I woke up with a slight fever. It was worth it, though.]

---------------
To say that I love her would be an understatement. What I feel for her is way, way beyond that. And then it hit me... Agape... Self-sacrificing, volitional, unconditional love.

Thank you. You saved me.

Life is beautiful...

2007-10-10T22:43:00.000-04:00

Even if we all die. Haha.

*sigh* I'm happy. I really am. My life isn't perfect, but certainly is

beautiful

.

All I need now is a beautiful sunset.

Just thinking aloud...

2007-10-08T22:05:00.000-04:00

You know how some people say that there is probably one thing that changed their lives? Well, I could probably say the same for me. I have never been the same since I moved here to New Jersey. I feel like it broke me. No, it broke all the hopefulness that I have in me. But lately I'm discovering that my life and everybody else's lives change everyday...

Social Control and Deviance was cancelled today so I decided I'd pop into Red Ribbon and say hi to its wonderful people. Haha. Anyway, I was almost at the store when I saw Mark. Um, yeah. Not exactly the person I want to see and I could really do better without the... whatever, attention, I guess. But I wasn't quick enough to avoid him that we walked into each other, or maybe I should say he walked into me. I forced a smile and quickly made my way into the building.

I was in the store *whew* and I thought I was safe until he went into the store too. Damn public places. Seeing as I'm no longer an employee, I can't exactly hide behind the counters. When he came up to me, I had no choice but to acknowledge him and have, oh dear god, a conversation.

I left the store a couple of minutes after five and made my way to the bus stop. When I got there, this lady told me that I just missed the bus. To be nice, I asked her if the bus came five minutes ago and she said that it actually came two minutes before I did. I nodded to end the conversation but she kept talking.

At first she was just telling me about why she missed the bus (She couldn't run after the damn bus because she was in heels.). Then she was telling me what she did at the area (She was getting her nails done.). Then she started telling me that it was her birthday on Wednesday. I wished her a happy birthday to be polite then she started telling me that her birthday won't be happy. Then she start telling me that she's going to break up with her boyfriend. Then she tells me that he's lazy (Sleeps in the day, DOES NOT WORK AT NIGHT.) and that when he takes her out to a club he'd always be looking at other people and that he "plays" rape with her (And before she confided that, I saw the bruises. That kind of thing scares me. I mean, rape fantasies are cool but only if both parties are willing. And for chrissakes, adopt a safe word.). Then she started complaining about how he doesn't do the laundry and how he won't take her out to the park and all that... She just went on and on and on and on... Then the bus came *hooray* and then she said, and I'll always remember this: I'm sorry. I just don't have anyone I can really talk to.

It made me want to cry. When I think about it, I still want to cry. Actually, I'm crying. It's so fucking stupid. God. I'm so stupid. But nobody, nobody should ever have to go through life without at least one person to talk to.

I'm lucky because even if I only have a handful of friends, I could talk to them about anything, without the fear of being judged and with certainty that I will always be understood. And you know what, I don't regret talking to the lady. I'm glad shared her pain, even for just a little bit.

Today I realized that people just need somebody to talk to. Therapy, kung tawagin nila dito. Pero ano ba naman ang therapy kung hindi pag-uusap lang tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay na hindi pa nga mga problema minsan. Alam mo yun, naghahanap lang tayo lahat ng makakausap. Pero yung iba sa atin, di makahanap ng maayos na kaibigan. Masakit pa, wala na nga silang kaibigan, minsan wala pa silang pambayad sa therapy. So as if they weren't alienated enough, they often end up developing self-destructive and alienating coping mechanisms. Nakakalungkot kasi imbis na malampasan nila yung kakulangan nila, lalo pa nila yun nararamdaman, lalo pa sila nasasaktan, lalo pa silang napapalayo sa atin.

I am such a hippy for saying this but everybody deserves to be loved and understood.

be someone's NEW friend today.

Eenie-meenie-minie-moe.

2007-10-07T21:15:00.000-04:00

*sigh*

Physical pains first, then. My feet hurt, holy shit. Worked from 2pm-11pm last night, went home, slept for like 2 hours, got up at 5.30am, worked from 8 to 6. Yeah. My feet hurt, along will all my other body parts. Especially my hands which, if it interests you, got burned, cut, and squished between toaster doors and register drawers.

Then there's the fact that I still haven't gotten my period. Seven weeks and counting, people, can only result in a very hormonal me. Yep. Hormonaaal.

And I'm sleep deprived, more than ever. I need my sleep. I have essays to write and exams to take. Sleep is good but I haven't had any. Somebody pass me a couple of pills, please.

Today while I was on my way home, all my senses literally shut down. Like, my sight was blurry, music was playing from my Zen but I couldn't exactly hear it, and even the hale-hale's regular putok was unnoticed. The only sense I still had was feeling and I'm sure of that because I certainly felt the excruciating pain from what my mom calls physical overexertion.

*yawns*

Emotional next.

Phil and Candy broke up. God, aren't we all just tired of hearing about these two?! Anyway, you know how I said I'll fix him? Apparently, she found out about what I said, fussed about it AGAIN and Phil just got really, really tired from all the emotional run-arounds and ended it. *sigh*

Sabi ng aking trusted friend, the only reason I'm still affected is because I haven't made up my mind on where I stand on this. That is true, of course. I want the both of them to be happy, but I want to be happy too. I need to be happy too. I deserve to be happy too. But all of this really just boils down to who I think deserves to be happy MORE than the other(s). And, because I am an indecisive jerk, would rather just not pick, lest I be called selfish for picking me and lest I get even more hurt for picking them.

But to be honest, I want to pick me. All that has happened in the last few months lead me to believe that this is worth the fight, if only I was willing enough to actually get into the battle. I am half-certain that we would be happy together. I am sure that if only I had courage enough, all of these hopes would become reality.

I need a couple of valiums.

[p.s. In my heart, I know I always have been and always will be one of the stoner kids. How tragic. That just makes me want to get stoned even more.]

Swivel chair, yeah.

2007-10-06T12:30:00.000-04:00

We have a new swivel chair. Even if I will sound like a kid by saying this, I'll say it anyway: I love spinning in it! Weeeee. It's super fun, bar the getting dizzy at the end.

*spins* Weeeeeeeeee...

Eeeeeeeeeee...

Eeeeeck. *barfs*

---------------
Dapat ang mga tulad mo binabaril na sa Luneta, are Kuya Eric's famous words. They always hit me hard because I know it's true. Unconditional love, as romantic and as ideal as it is, is just not practical.

Of course, I've never been much of a practical person. I'd rather make sure I have fun, loads of it, than make sure I have enough money or energy left. Life's too short to be fussy, hello. But I've lost you again, I was trying to make a point.

Well, let the conversation speak for itself.

--
Phone rings.

PHIL: I'm broken.
KITTEN: Then I'll fix you.

End.

--
We didn't hang up, in case you were wondering. We stayed on the line, and we connected without words. No, not without words but beyond words. *sigh*

The beauty of it is in the fact that there were no preliminaries. We defied convention - no hellos, no how-are-yous, no actual conversation. And yet we understood each other. I understood that he needed me just as he understood that I needed him too, and that I would ride the storm with him.

I'm not sorry I love him. I know he draws strength from that love. And I meant what I said: I will fix him.

<3

Bio Midterm. BECCA. Mai's Birthday. Victor's hat.

2007-10-05T16:12:00.000-04:00

I am sooo glad that the Bio midterm is done. I thought it was fairly easy. Fifty items, multiple choice, two points each. Talking to Jimmy and Lauren, unfortunately, made me think I might have just gotten each and every single problem wrong. They said the midterm was hard. *facepalm*

Ooh, ooh. After my Bio midterm, I had Calculus. I sat down behind Becca, even if I said I wouldn't. Haha. Then Chrissy screams Kitten! and waves frantically at me all the way from the front row that people just looked at me. I just wanted to die. And I could have sworn I detected an "I-know-your-secret" look in her eyes.

And then the most miraculous thing happened. Er. Not really. Whatever.

Becca stood up, fixed some of her stuff and then said Can you look after my stuff?

I couldn't stop myself from smiling. God. I'm such a dork. I just said Sure, yeah.

Then she said, I'm just going to the bathroom really quick. Just make sure nobody takes my things, okay?

Okay, I said.

Ayun. Yun na. Hehe. She talked to me. So they weren't exactly lines from Romeo and Juliet, but I don't care. She talked to me. Yey. :)

And yesterday was Mai's birthday. We spent half the day together. We had lunch at her place at around eleven something (Tita made pancit and barbeque. O diba? Parang nasa Pinas lang.) then we watched a movie while laughing at yearbook pictures of people. Haha. Then we went to Snyder High for the tutoring thing until five. Coffee at Dunkin Donuts until six thirty. Around eleven, she messaged me and thanked me for a wonderful day. Drama!

You know, Mai is one of the few people who really get me. I don't have to explain myself a lot when I talk to her. She just understands. And she has always been around, whether I needed her or not. We've endured heartache, professional frustraition and financial instability together. And she's a really big part of my life. I don't know what I'd do without her.

Mai, happy birthday. Tanda ka na, pero cute na cute ka paren. We are only as old as we feel and we'll always, always be six! I love you, tripod. :) *hug*

Aaand. Lastly, I love Victor's hat. Teehee. It's plaid, olive green and has a wonderful outline of a phoenix on it. Love it. And he let me wear it through Jazz class. Yehey. :) When I see him on Monday, I'm asking for it. Haha. :)

Saturday and Sunday = work = bummer.

C is for Calculus

2007-10-03T08:17:00.000-04:00

Er. Today's the day I tutor Chrissy and I'm not exactly thrilled about it. I am hoping to see Becca, although I'm pretty sure she's not going to be anywhere near me today. *sigh*

You know what? I think I'll ask Chrissy if Becca's seeing anyone. There's just no subtle way to do it, and I think things will be way, waaay awkward after I do it. Waaah. I'll just go ahead and do it. Or not. Whatever. I'll edit this later to let you know if I did.

Your Vice

2007-10-02T07:04:00.000-04:00

If you're still cutting after you've cut through the flesh and the pain, what are you cutting through?

I never understood why my friends made such a big deal of my cutting. Now, I do. And I feel more helpless than I have ever felt.

I'll tell you to stop. I'll tell you that this is not the way to deal with things. But I know that some things just have to be done. When you've made up your mind to do it, then you will. That's how I've always been, anyway.

But when the pain has left you, forget everything you've learned about cutting and never pick up a razor again. It's a vicious cycle. I'm in it and I don't want you to be in there too.

I love you. Whatever it is, it too shall pass.

---------------
Phil: Did you message me last night?
Kitten: I don't believe I did.
Phil: I know you didn't. You're not putting much effort at keeping in touch.

--
Well, if I wasn't putting much effort in to keeping in touch, it was with good reason. I can't believe it still hasn't sunk in. He still doesn't get it.

He still does it even if he knows he's going to get into a fight with her, my friend said. And he does. It's either he's really, really daft and doesn't get it, or it just doesn't matter to him whether he gets into a fight with her or not.

~~I think it's sweet.~~ My idea of romance needs tweaking.

Keeper daw.

2007-09-30T20:25:00.000-04:00

Nick: You know, Kitten? I gotta tell ya. You're one damn good sandwich maker.

Kitten: Really?

Nick: Yeah, really. Not a lot of people could pull off what you're doing here, especially since you only come here on the weekends. You're a good hire. You're a keeper and there's nothing more wonderful in life than to be a keeper.

--

*sigh* Well, if I was seriously considering leaving the franchise, what Nick said made me want to think about it again.

There is nothing more wonderful than being a keeper. No, there is nothing more wonderful than being thought of as a keeper.

Damn ego.

Hay buhay.

2007-09-29T20:45:00.000-04:00

Unang-una, masakit ang katawan ko. Mahirap maging bago sa isang trabaho. Dahil bago ka, inaasahan ka ng mga taong kumilos ng mabuti at dahil dun, pinababayaan ka na lang nilang magtrabaho. Ikaw pagod, sila hindi. Nakakatawa, pero mas nakakaiyak.

Ayun na nga. Masakit ang katawan ko. Pero higit pa sa sakit ng katawan ko ay ang hindi ko maipaliwanag na kapaguran kong emosyonal. Kaya lang kapag sinabi kong "hindi maipaliwanag na kapagurang emosyonal" para bang ipinalalabas ko na walang kadahilanan ang nararamdaman kong kapaguran, at iyon ay hindi totoo. Ano nga ba ang dahilan kung bakit ako ay pagod na pagod na?

Minsan ko lang sasabihin ito. Marahil ito ay dahil likas lamang akong mapagmataas; kung maiiwasan ay hindi ko sanang nais na mapaalalahanan sa kasaklapan ng aking buhay. Pero para maintindihan niyo kung bakit nagkakaganito ako, eto ang dahilan: Mahirap maging mahirap.

Nakakatawa. Iniwan ng pamilya ko ang Pilipinas para kalimutan ang kahirapang kinalakhan namin at ng aming mga magulang. Tinalikuran namin ang lahat ng aming kinagisnan dahil umaasa kami na giginhawa kami dito sa ibayong dagat. Pero pag dating namin dito, tila yata lalo pa akong naging pamilyar sa kahirapang pilit ng mga magulang kong inilalayo sa akin.

Masaya ako at nakabalik na ako sa paaralan. Sana sa loob ng apat na taon, makatapos na rin ako nang hindi na ako kasali sa mga intindihin ng mga magulang ko. Pero kapag iniisip ko ang mga mangyayari sa loob ng apat na taon na yun, nanghihina ako. Kasi bago ako makatapos, kailangan ko muna ng perang pambayad sa paaralan, kailangan ko muna ng perang pambili ng mga libro, cuaderno at panulat, kailangan ko muna ng pamasahe o pambili ng gas para sa kotse... KAILANGAN KO MUNA NG PERA. Siguro pera ang pinakamalaking usapin dito.

Isipin niyo na lang, isang taon akong nagtrabaho. Nasanay ang pamilya ko na isa ako sa sumusustento sa amin. Ngayong nag-aaral na ako ulit, gusto ko sana na tumigil nang magtrabaho para makapag-aral ako ng mabuti. Kaya lang dahil nakasanayan na namin ang mayroon pang isang taong kumikita sa pamilya namin, nabigla kami nang tumigil ako sa pagtatrabaho. Wala pala kaming pambili ng mga libro ko... Wala pala kaming pera para sa pamasahe o gas. WALA PALA KAMING PERA.

Kaya ba't kahit na pagod na ako sa pagbyahe paroon at parito sa loob ng isang linggo sa paaralan, pilit ko paring binabangon ang katawan kong wala nang ibang nais kung hindi matulog. Kaya ba't kahit na naiinis ako sa mga bago kong kasama sa trabaho, pumapasok parin ako. Wala akong magagawa. Ito ang nakatakda.

Hindi naman ako makareklamo sa mga magulang ko. Alam ko na nahihirapan din sila. Lahat naman kami nahihirapan eh. Kaya lang, siguro hindi pa ako handa sa ganitong klaseng buhay. Ganito pala ang buhay matanda, ano? Mas maraming responsibilidad kaysa kalayaan.

Naiiyak ako. Para sa akin, wala akong ginawa para mangyari sa akin lahat ng ito. Gusto kong takasan na lang ang lahat. Pero hindi naman yun ganun-ganun na lang diba? Sabi nga nung tiya ko, Most problems will work themselves out. Others, you will have to face head on.

Hay buhay alamang: pag lukso'y patay.

---------------
A person can never have absolute priorities, only relative priorities within relative circumstances. :(

Save me. :(

Er...

2007-09-27T18:52:00.000-04:00

Why are men so fascinated with breasts, huh? It's annoying. A girl can't even wear a nice top without all the guys looking down her shirt. And, god, I wish my boobs could just switch places with my eyes that way when guys talk to me and look at my chest, they'd be looking at my eyes and not my tits.

Guys are such perverts. Today's the last time I'm ever coming to school in a halter.

---------------
In my Calculus class, I always sit next to this girl, but not because I like her. I like her friend. And the girl I sit next to, Chrissy, always sits behind Becca, her friend, so whenever they're talking and she's looking at Chrissy, it's almost like Becca's looking at me. [I'm such a dork, I know. *facepalm*]

ANYWAY, lately people in class have a hard time keeping up. Chrissy's always walking out in class, so I'm really not surprised that she doesn't get the stuff, but Becca sits through the entire lecture, so I don't know why she doesn't get it. Like, in class, I'm practically shouting out the answers to Professor Gilman's questions so that Becca would know that I understand everything and maybe she would ask me to teach her how to do mathematical backflips.

So much for that though. Today, Chrissy asked me to help her. I mean, god, Chrissy? I don't have anything against her, you know, besides the fact that she smells like cigarettes. I just don't like her much. And if I'm going to be meeting anybody next week, skipping lab to be teaching Calculus and all that drama, I'd rather that it was for Becca. I so wanted to say, no SCREAM, I'll teach you but only if Becca comes with you! *chokes* But I'm not ready to be humiliated like that just yet. I'll save it for the midterms. You know, when I let Becca copy my answers. Haha.

---------------
Can you see me going out with a black guy?

*squints*

Be a drug dealer! [edit]

2007-09-25T13:02:00.000-04:00

All I ever wanted was for you to say 'I want to be with her.' Deep inside, I know you do.

Candy's words to Phil. *sigh*

In our little situation, there just seems to be no middle ground. Phil and I can't even be friends without him getting into a fight with her.

The fact of the matter is that Phil is as much my friend as he is someone I have romantic interests for. But I'm trying to change the last part; I'm trying to fool myself into believing that between him and me, all that there can ever be is friendship. Of course, there's nothing wrong with friendship. But Candy's making it seem like there is.

Honestly, I want her to forget everything that happened in the last three months. Things have been difficult for the three of us, and we're so much better off without constantly being reminded of that. And God knows that I have always been rooting for her, that I have never wanted anything besides their happiness.

*sigh* I can't even be friends with him. I guess it's back to the psych-drawing board for me.

[I hate it when the rules of math apply to real life. I can't be happy without being sad. The equation always balances itself out.]

---------------
Yesterday, we did peer reviews for our paper. I was (un)fortunate enough to be paired with Hasan. When he was done with my paper and we had nothing else to do I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he didn't know and just knew that he wanted to make a hundred million dollars before he's forty. I asked him if he wanted to be a doctor, he said no and told me that doctors don't make that much. I told him I couldn't think of a better paying job. He said that he doesn't want to be a doctor.

Then an idea popped into my head. You know what you could do, Hasan?

What? he asked.

Be a drug dealer. Surely you'll make a hundred million dollars before you're forty, and I choked back my laughter. I hoped he would get the joke.

But then Dan [who wasn't in any way part of my conversation with Hasan] said What? A drug dealer? And you're supposed to be top ten percent of the state! And he looked at me with utter disgust.

I hate smart people sometimes.

---------------
Tell the people you love that you love them... NOW.

I almost lost Mai today. I'm exaggerating, of course. But... You never know how important someone is to you until you almost lose them...

She was in a car accident. And I'm still scared half to death at the idea that I could have lost one of the few [and I mean few] friends that I have. I don't know how my life is going to be without her.

Tell the people you love that you love them. They have every right to know.

Hoboken + Sunrise = Hope (?)

2007-09-23T19:41:00.000-04:00

I don't know if it's just because of me working at Hoboken, but all the anxiety I felt last night has left me.

I took the bus to Hoboken. It was around 7 when I got to the river park and, my god, was it just beautiful down there! I mean, I'm almost always there, but you never know how beautiful a place actually is until it's crowned with a glorious sunrise. I sat down at the park bench, took out my paper's outline and draft, and just basked in the glow. GANDA. SARAP.

At quarter to 8, I got up and started walking to work. Then there was this flock of birds that flew in the pink sky and that sight just left me in awe. I wish I could share this hopeful feeling I have in me. It feels wonderful. :)

*sigh*

Nick didn't give me work until Saturday. Yeheees. I have time to study for lab. And calculus. And I have time to do my papers in Social Control and Deviance, and English. Yeheeey. Oooh, oooh. And I get paid on Tuesday.

My friend was right. Things do work out.

To appreciate the beauty of life, one must stop looking and start seeing.

As black as the night and as sweet as chocolate...

2007-09-20T13:16:00.000-04:00

K: Hello?
P: Hey.
K: *recognition* Oh, hey. What do you need?
P: Nothing.
K: Okay. What do you want?
P: Why is it that I must want or need something?
K: I don't know. I just want to know why you're calling and I figured it's either because you want something or need something.
P: Can't I just call because I want to?
K: I guess you can, if you want to.
[talks for half an hour about school and work]
P: ... and I have this essay that's due tomorrow.
K: You better go do it then.
P: What?
K: Your essay. You better get started on it.
P: *forced a laugh* It sounds like you were waiting for me to say something like that.
K: *stunned silent*
P: You didn't even think about it. The moment I said I had to do something, you suggested that we hang up.
K: I just don't want you to stay up too late just because you were on the phone with me.
P: [hint of disbelief in his voice] Sure. Sure. *sighs*
K: *sighs* Okay. Go do your essay.
P: Okay. I'll talk to you again soon.
K: *clicks*

---------------
It's bittersweet. I loved that he called me [before I called him. I was bound to give in to the urge sometime. Haha.] and I loved that he called me just because, and I loved how we talked like nothing ever happened. But I hate that he called me just because and I hate that as much as I want to apologize for what I did and as much as I want to just pour my heart out, I can't. No, I can, if I want to enough. It's more that I shouldn't.

Quiet now, your voice seems miles away
Yet somehow, I hear your song resound
A little bit softer each day,
And for my tired heart, a little bit farther away...
~from Copeland's You Have My Attention

*sigh*

I am better off without the one thing I live for.

sobs

2007-09-16T00:37:00.000-04:00

I took a secret and made it my own. Thank you, whoever you are, for writing these words. I'm afraid I will never have the courage to say them myself...

I miss Phil. I really do.

Something Good

2007-09-14T23:51:00.000-04:00

I think it was Sunday when I told my friend that I felt that something good was going to happen this week. I can't explain why I had that feeling. All that I know is that it was there, and I recognized it.

School has taken over my life. I have very little time to actually sit down and write stuff, even with my handheld. But two calculus tests have gone well. Essay with English Comp went well too. So far, so good, people.

Today while I was on my way to school, I was stuck on the bridge (Terrible, terrible traffic.) and I couldn't help but look at the sky. It was glorious. The lower part of the sky was the lemon yellow and the rest was blue. This happened around, what, 9.30? It was beautiful. It was one of those sights that made you feel light and almost hopeful. I loved that.

Yesterday, Mai and I went to Snyder High to finalize all tutoring plans with Mrs. Castellones. We didn't actually intend on staying, but some of the students heard that we were coming so they showed up at the Tigers' Den and we had a little impromptu tutoring session. All the tutees are nice. I think I'm going to love doing this.

Some of the kids that we'll be tutoring have learning disabilities. I don't take that against them, of course. It's just that they have the hardest time understanding even the easiest of questions like What subjects are you taking this year? This hits home. As you know, one of my brother has Down syndrome.

There was this one kid (I can't remember his name.) who didn't stay longer than five minutes. I honestly didn't get to spend as much time with him as I wanted. But when he left, he gave me a hug. I thought that was really sweet. As Mrs. Castellones has put it, You don't realize how much these kids need you. I think I'm going to enjoy tutoring. :)

*sigh* My final note is this: volunteering to do this shouldn't be thought of as something amazing. I want it to be something people do. I want people to want to help each other and to just care about each other. But the sad fact is that it just doesn't work that way.

In Colloquium class, Professor Veysey asked us what made people behave and misbehave. What is it that make people act the way they do? My answer is this: People act the way they do because of the consequences of those actions. One of the greatest laws of life is causalty - actions and reaction. We choose how to act according to which outcome we would rather deal with.

Ergo:

People don't volunteer to do this because they have nothing to lose if they don't. They don't volunteer either because they don't have anything to gain if they do. So all that this is, really, is a bad, bad show on apathy.

Hate is not the opposite of love. Apathy is the opposite of love.

The End of Everything I Loved

2007-09-11T23:01:00.000-04:00

Okay. *sigh* Heavy stuff coming up. You might want to skip this.

...

Well, I guess I can finally sleep at night. Candy's happy that they're together. Oh, I should have said that they're back together before I said she's happy. Whatever. They're back together. She's happy. I don't know about Phil, but at least one of them is happy.

I said I want them to be happy and I stand by that. What I didn't say was that I would be happy just because one of them is. I could lie but that's pretty pointless.

I feel weak. This is what happens when you are made to choose between your happiness, the happiness of somebody you love and somebody you used to love, and you choose theirs. And it hurts more because I know I hurt somebody in the process and I hurt myself in the end.

I wish it were easy to just say that I don't want him in my life anymore. I wish I could just decide that I'm better off without him, without this feeling he brings into my life, and just move on like I'm supposed to. And the only reason I'm not breaking down right now is because I'm tired of crying. To hell with love, right? *forces a laugh*

And I don't feel any less in love. I feel exactly as I have all these weeks, only the fear of losing him is no longer just fear but certainty. It's the way it has to happen. And I don't want to be his friend, that's just bull. I refuse to settle. ~~I want to love him, the way I always have.~~ I want him to let me love him, the way I always have.

Love. Sometimes, I forget what it means. Sometimes, I associate love to being happy. But then days like this never fail to take me out of the haze. To love is not only to be happy. It is to suffer for that person's happiness. And the real magic is not what the touching of fingers do, or the fireworks that come with each kiss. The magic is that love survives the pain, long after the fireworks have ended.

Amor vincit omnia. Love conquers all things, even pain.

beams [edit]

2007-09-10T22:16:00.000-04:00

Well. What? I'm happy. And it's for this unbelievably ridiculous reason. God, I can't believe I have a crush.

I don't get crushes on people. Ew. I usually skip crushing, go straight into falling, and then end up with heartbreaking. Yeah. That's me. But... I'm crushing now. *beams*

So.

His name is Igor (insert Russian last name I can't pronounce). I have him on my Honors English Composition and my Colloquium classes. And... well, I can't say I didn't find him cute the first week. I did. It's just that, I told you, I don't do crushes.

We had this group thing for English a while ago. He was in my group. He saw me doodling and he was like What are you doing? I look up and before I can say anything, I realize what beautiful eyes he has. I smiled and said Nothing. Just drawing stars. And from that moment on, I couldn't help but stare into those eyes whenever he spoke, to me or otherwise.

At Colloquium, I was stealing glances at him. I told you. This is ridiculous. But yeah. I was stealing glances. And then, when I looked up from my writing to steal another glance at him, he was looking right at me.

OMG.

But what's better than your crush realizing that you've just been staring at him for the past half an hour? Oh, I don't know maybe...

Him waving at you.

*beams*

I almost died. It's crazy. Really crazy. But what's even crazier is that I waved back.

*sigh*

Something else in school to look forward to.

---------------
Katy and I were at Robeson a while ago. She suddenly goes Don't you just hate honors' classes?

I looked up from my reading and said No. I like it actually.

Well, I like it too. It's just that a lot of the people who end up in them are snobs, she said.

Um. What was I supposed to say? I'm not a snob, am I? :(

[Igor sure isn't. *wide grin*]

Hold Nothing Back

2007-09-08T15:42:00.000-04:00

by Copeland

Do what you want but I know who you are
Say what you want but I know what you're thinking
Go where you want but I won't be too far
Go where you want and I know where you'll end up

If you fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back,
I'll fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back from you

Do what you want but I know who you are
Say what you want but I know what you're thinking

If you fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back,
I'll fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back from you...

*sigh*

It is true, then, that at the end of everything, all we really have are the what-ifs and the maybes.

Miss ko na si Phil. :(

Gusto ko ng creampuff

2007-09-07T22:20:00.000-04:00

Everything happens for a reason.

(Long story, little time. Maybe I'll edit this later, I don't know.)

*sigh*

Then the monster reared its ugly head...

2007-09-06T15:26:00.000-04:00

I came to school today with this awful feeling at the pit of my stomach. It was the same kind of feeling that I get when I'm about to give a speech. It was the same kind of awful anticipation I experience when my parents tell me they have to talk to me. I guess the word I'm looking for is dread.

So I tried to figure out what it was that I was dreading that early in the morning. I was pretty confident I had everything I needed for the day. And I was sure that I wasn't late as I was in fact early. I kept taking deep breaths, trying to relieve myself from that terrible feeling that would not leave me.

It wasn't until I was in Bio class that I realized what it was.

I remember talking to Phil last week about school. I asked him how it was and he replied Tiring. I like it though. It feels like no one is pressuring me anymore. Like it's all on and my own interest to succeed. I was so proud of him then. I really was. What he said was just... so like him.

But what he said doesn't apply to me. It just doesn't. No, the pressure isn't gone. It has increased. And regardless of my (lack of) interest to succeed, people expect me succeed. Why? Because I'm in the honors program. Because I'm allegedly a genius in my craft. Because people picked out a label, stuck into my forehead without asking me whether or not I wanted that label on me.

*inhales deeply*

It was Dr. Hotaling (Oh-teh-ling) that did it. It was her ambivalence. It was her apathy. It was... It was everything she said, it was everything she did, it was everything she was. It was her expectation for all of us to walk away with an A for that class.

It's tough. It's really tough. Especially because back in second year, it was my partner who did the poking and probing of our poor, paralyzed frog; because I have no interest in slicing up roaches to see their silvery whatnots and their yellowy whathaveyous. And I pity my poor little fetal pig because I have to cut her (or him) up just so I could study her (or his) stupid digestive system. Oh gawd. And the sheep's brain! The horror. *sobs*

But it's not just about cutting things open. No. What I'm really worried about is not living up to the expectations of people around me.

So this is what it feels like to be a chick counted before it's hatched.

Perfect. sigh

2007-09-05T16:55:00.000-04:00

To whoever's running the show right now, thanks for another great day.

I picked up my school ID. I am officially a Rutgers student. Haha. The line for it was two miles long, I swear. I stood in that stupid line for forty-five minutes. Haha. But it was worth it. I can go to the lib now (Wi-Fi... Haha.), I can go to gym now, I can basically do whatever students are allowed to do. Yey.

Honors English rocked too. First day: ESSAY. It was fun. As Professor Benson had put it, This isn't just a composition course, otherwise we would have put you with the rest of the students. No. This is a critical thinking, critical reading and critical writing course.

Freshman Colloquium was... different. Professor Veysey was, er, unconventional. But having an unconventional teacher for a social control and deviance class kinda makes sense, doesn't it? Oh, and she's gay. Yeheeey. :)

That's it for now. Loads of homework.

Ooh, before I forget. Met my first Filipino friend outside of my Red Ribbon circle. Her name's Camille. She's in my Freshman Colloquium class. She mentioned something about the Philippines, so I knew she's Filipino then I came up to her and asked her after class. Her first question: Nagta-Tagalog ka? Sagot ko: Oo naman. Sagot niya: Magaling!

school + love + nap = perfect day

2007-09-04T21:21:00.000-04:00

School
I love school. <3 I'm extremely pleased to be back in school. I mean, sure, the TA for my Bio class speaks little to no English and pronounces AIDS as "ass" but it was still fun. And sure, my Calculus teacher is frail and I can't hear her discuss functions even if I'm seated four rows from the front, and she assigned ten pages worth of assignments. I still love school.

I can't tell you how happy I was to walk along University Avenue, reading the flags that declared that I was at Rutgers. I can't tell you how wonderful the sun felt on my skin as I made my way through class, up to the bookstore and down to student services. It was glorious. It is glorious. I can't wait to do it again tomorrow.

Oh. The Engineering department contacted me today. Apparently my courses aren't fit for the program. Well, duh, that's because I'm not taking engineering! I guess I was listed under engineering, I don't know why, but yeah. Have to deal with that before the week's done.

Love
Lalala. I'm happy. He makes me happy. Sure, he'll make me miserable in about, oh, two minutes from the moment you read this, but he still makes me happy. Very happy. Very, very happy. Even when he does absolutely nothing. :)

Nap
I had to walk to Journal Square (That's where I take the train) because I don't have a bus pass, which shouldn't have been a problem except I didn't have cash on me. I also had to walk back from Rutgers to the train station, again, because I didn't have a buss pass and I didn't have cash.

I otherwise wouldn't have minded walking. I love walking, in fact. Except I've never walked that far with 3 pounds worth of books on my back. I guess that's why I was beat when I got home.

So I took a nap. And what a nap it was! :)

Then I did my Calculus homework. I'm so happy to be back in school, I don't even care that I had so much work to do. Haha.

Ooh, ooh! I want to extend my thanks to Armando or whatshisface. I don't know. But my package from Philippines (It had my Cattleya fillers in it. Haha.) was accidentally delivered to his house. He was sooo nice, he called me on my cellphone to let me know. Unfortunately, I was napping when he called. When I returned his call, I told him I'd pick it up tomorrow after school but he told me he would stop by the house once he's done shopping at Walmart. I was so stunned at the randomness of it all, I couldn't decline. (Good people still roam this earth. Aren't you glad?)

Yey. He dropped it off while my nose was buried in my Calculus textbook. My brother took it. I didn't even get to thank him properly. And I'm sure my brother thought he was just some delivery guy. :( But yes. I want the world to know that Armando or Martino or whatshisface, who lives in 93 Fleet Street, Jersey City, is a wonderdful, wonderful man. Many thanks. :)

Wee. I now have a bus pass, thank God. I won't be as beat tomorrow as I was today. Aaand I only have Honors English and Freshman Colloquium tomorrow and those are the classes that have NO TEXTBOOKS. *sigh*

Thank you for the perfect day. :) Bukas ulit ha?

Err.

2007-09-03T22:31:00.001-04:00

He called and I picked up. *headdesk*

God help me.

...

P: I asked her about what happened.
K: You did what?!
P: I asked her what she did.
K: OMG. When you ask me and I don't tell you, I don't tell you for a reason.
P: But I wanted to know. You wouldn't tell me.
K: *sighs* So, what did she say?
P: I asked her what she did, and she said she didn't do anything. And then I see her away message.
K: What did it say?
P: Rule number three...
K: *sigh*
P: Then I tell her that you were genuinely hurt.
K: You said what?!
P: I told her that you were genuinely hurt, that you were actually at the verge of tears.
K: *forces a laugh*
P: Then she says I don't give a fuck if she got hurt, and she said it in a black way too.
K: She said that?
P: Yeah. She's actually been saying that a lot.
K: *sighs*
P: And then she screams Way to take her side, and hangs up on me.
K: *sighs* What do you want me to say, Phil?
P: I don't know...

...

We were on the phone for an hour. And we weren't talking. It was uncomfortable, in a way. Almost like we were both sorry that everything was happening the way it was.

*sigh*

I said I wouldn't talk to him but I did. *headdesk* I'm an idiot. But to my credit, he had to call three times before I picked up. Like, I was staring into his landline's number for the longest time, wondering why he was calling me and thinking that I shouldn't pick up. He actually asked me why I didn't pick up, which I thought was funny because I could have been doing something unless he's read my post about me deleting his numbers and shit, which he couldn't have because I've kept this blog secret, from his at least. [My English teachers would weep at that last sentence! Haha. I'm intentionally not editing that because I think it's funny.] But yeah. He asked me if I was doing something, I said no. He asked me if I was just away, I said no, that I was actually just staring into his number. He asked why I didn't pick up, I was quiet then I said I didn't know. Then he asked me why I picked up, and I said it could have been an emergency. He laughed. I didn't think it was funny.

*sigh*

I need self-control. Can I get that online?

---------------
There's just one thing I hope is true - he is taking my side.

My Fairy Tale Comes to an End

2007-09-03T15:10:00.000-04:00

My blog is flooded with posts. Thoughts are coming from all over the place and I just have to write each and every one of them down. My acquisition of a handheld has, of course, helped this writing thing further as I can now write whatever I want whenever I want.

So what is it about now?

*sigh*

The inevitable has happened. I should have known better and braced myself for it, for the war that will come, but I have done no such thing. I have been foolish, swept away in this ridiculously fun whateveritisyoucallit. Now that it's here, I crawl back into my hiding place and do what I do best - wallow.

Gin-gatas kagabi, gin-gatas mamaya, gin-gatas bukas.

I woke up today a little feverish, my head throbbing, unclear of what has happened the night before. All I remember was that Candy said Rule number three: Never trust your female friends who are also friends with your boyfriend. She will want to break the both of you up. "Felines" are lining up to get my man. You think I don't know. How pathetic. That message, I think, was what drove me into drinking. That and the fact that I couldn't talk to Phil. I felt so alone.

He asked me what was wrong. I told him nothing was wrong. He said that it couldn't have been nothing because he could hear it in my voice. I asked if it made a difference. He said that it did, because he didn't want to see me hurt and he couldn't bear to hear me cry.

*sigh*

What was I supposed to say? What could I have told him? Nothing. There was nothing to say. No words were enough. So I hung up. Then I started drinking.

I think I went out last night. I think that's why I was feverish when I woke up. I saw my Chucks on the foot of the bed, and I never leave my Chucks lying around. Where I went and why I went there, I could only guess. I'm just thankful that I woke up on my bed. I'm just thankful that I woke up at all.

So what now, my dears? What am I to do?

Well, I've deleted his numbers again. I'm blocking AIM on my computer so as not to be tempted to install it again. And that's all that I can really do for now. That's all that I can really do.

*sigh*

I want him to be happy. I want her to be happy. I want the both of them to be happy regardless of what that might mean for me.

They can get back together, or they can choose to stay apart. It matters very little which they choose, really. My feelings will remain the same either way.

This is the end of my fairy tale. I think it was never a fairy tale. I just believed it to be one, I wanted it to be one. I wanted to live happily ever after with my prince charming... I was foolish.

~~Love makes us foolish.~~

on the Narrow-minded Fools that Plague the Philippines

2007-09-02T20:05:00.000-04:00

If you think this will be another bashing of the Philippines and Filipinos, please leave my blog. You are not welcome here, nor are your thoughts. If you seek negativity, you will find none here.

Last night, my friend and I were talking about what I'd do if I become president of the Philippines. I have this idea: If I become president of the Philippines, the first thing I'd work on is education. After that, because of all the graduates, I'd work on employment. Then the economy will improve. Then I'll work on agriculture, and then environment (Because the Philippines is a beautiful place.). [Now that I think about it, I need to work on health first because sickly people can't study, hello. ONLY THEN can I work on education, then employment...]

Let me direct you to blogs I frequent. They belong to my friends, Julie Reyes and Pam Quizon. Please take the time to read them. They are fairly short but very moving.

PamQ's entry
Julie's entry

Read them? Good. Now here's what I have to say:

There is hope yet for the Philippines.

I'm sure a lot of us Filipinos have been slapped countless times with our weaknesses - our colonial mentality, our well-renowned procrastination and bahala na - and I'm sure it hurt. But we have to come to terms with those weaknesses and then reconcile with them. Enough with the bashing, please. We must work to overcome our weaknesses, not wallow in them.

There is hope yet for the Philippines.

But Rome wasn't built in a day. Don't be ridiculous. Get your head out of the clouds and look at what's happening right now. It's painstakingly slow, but a revolution, an intellectual uprising, is well on its way. But we must be patient. It will take work, lots and lots of it. Maybe we won't live to see the fruits of our labor, but we must labor just the same, if not for our sake, then for the sake of those who come after us.

There is hope yet for the Philippines.

And ask yourself what you can do to help. Seriously. We complain, and we complain, and we complain some more and that's all that there is to it, right? Wrong. We must all be catalysts in furthering this cause. And what we do doesn't have to be something monumental. It can be a little thing like NOT forwarding hate mail about the Philippines and the Filipinos, or not littering, or learning our history. The little things matter. Take a look around. Take five minutes to look around you, and tell me whether the Philippines can't use every bit of help you can give.

There is hope yet for the Philippines.

And I believe this. With every single ounce of faith I can muster, I believe it. I'm preachy, yes. But only because I know we are capable of doing more, and, for some of us, hating less.

Our country is a work in progress. Two things in the sentence I want to highlight: work and progress. We must work. Only then can we progress. Yes? Yes.

Nothing is certain until the end. So we must hope. We must believe.

I love the Philippines. Do you?

beams

2007-09-02T18:50:00.000-04:00

Phil: *sighs* Tired. Long day of work. But then, no work til Thursday. Yay!
Kitten: Yay!
Phil: What did you do today?
Kitten: I went to mass.
Phil: Hmm. Did you?
Kitten: I did. Phil, are you an active Catholic?
Phil: I like to think so, yes.
Kitten: What time are you working on Sunday?
Phil: Nine to three but I'm trying to change it.
Kitten: Why?
Phil: I'd like open so that I'd have most of the day to myself.
Kitten: Oh. I was going to ask you to hear mass with me.
Phil: You just want to hold my hand. *laughs*
Kitten: That's true. But you're embarrassing me so SHUT UP.
Phil: Cute. *laughs*
Kitten: Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP!!!
Phil: Blushing now, are we? *laughs*
Kitten: You're so unfair sometimes...

Ah, playground love. Is there anything cuter? :)

wide grin

2007-08-29T19:42:00.000-04:00

I'm grinning ear to ear and is that so wrong? Of course not. I too have the right to be happy, to be satisfied, to be unbelievably swept away.

So what's the deal?

Well, I haven't mentioned how I've taken action on this whole Phil-Candy-Kitten matter. (It's not easy talking about it seeing as it wasn't easy doing it either.) I've decided *sigh* to leave the two of them alone so that they may have their happy ending. It's like... their world, it's perfect, and who am I to come barging in and ruining it for the both of them, right? Right.

So I have taken it upon myself to delete, DELETE his number from my phone. (Of course, I've got that number memorized, but still.) I have also decided to uninstall AIM on my computer and delete my AIM account on my phone. Everything amounts to one ultimate thing: I've burned the bridges that connect us. And it was hard. It's only been a couple of days, actually. But it's a start.

Or perhaps I should say it was a start.

I was soaking my feet a while ago (If you haven't done this, try it. It's very good for the body and the mind, I tell you.) when my phone vibrated. I received a text message. I thought it would be Mai or Jen asking me where I was. So I opened it and there it was...

No like talking to me no more? =(
From: +1201779****
12:59pm 29-AUG-07

It took me about two seconds to realize who the message was from, ten seconds to start panicking and fifteen seconds to start jumping for joy.

I was on the phone with my friend a while ago and all I could say was He missed me. And I believe, no, I know it's true. He has missed me. *beams* I thought I would fade into the background and that will be the end of it, but no. It's not. I'm glad that it's not.

Of course, I shouldn't really be celebrating, seeing as it will probably take, what, one day, for the harsh reality to slap me in the face and bring me back down from the clouds. That is, after all, the primary reason I want all of this to be over. It's just hard being let down. No, it's hard not being able to ask for what you want and end up being let down.

My friend said, It will feel terrible after[getting hurt].

And I could only say, But it feels great now.

P.S. If it interests you, I messaged him back. I asked him where he was. My exact words, I believe, were: Where are you? and he replied with I'm on my way to work. I then replied with Boo. and that's the end of it.

Would you laugh if I said I wanted to get a tamagotchi?

2007-08-28T22:33:00.000-04:00

If you said yes, start laughing.

Don't ask me why. I don't know why. I just know that I want one. Forget the fact that I'll prolly be beat in school because of this; forget the fact that it is neither a chick magnet nor a boy magnet. I want one. I am getting one as we speak. *grins* The idea of having one is making me incredibly happy. Teehee. [This might just be the sugar running through my veins. I had cake todaaaaay.]

So, I've no news, except for the tamagotchi thing. Oh, and I want to get a tattoo.

*shrugs*

Stargirl *

2007-08-26T21:07:00.000-04:00

I was serving this customer at the register who had a little girl with her. The little girl was all smiles when she came up to the counter, I remember. She even waved back when I waved at her.

While I was waiting for the credit card transaction to be cleared, I looked at the little girl. She hooked her chubby little arms to her mom's. Her mom said What, anak?

The little girl says, Mommy, I love you.

I couldn't stop myself from saying, Aaaw. How sweet! I also couldn't stop myself from asking, Are you real? Well, you don't see that kind of thing everyday. You really don't. And as for the question, it was an honest one. Hey, with technology today, some of those who walk among us could be robots. You just never know.

[Sidebar: I don't think I've ever told my mom I love her. Never, girls and boys. Never have I told my mom I love her.]

---------------
I'm shaking. Ha. I should be ashamed of myself. *logs off AIM*

I can't breathe. I want to bang my head on the keyboard enough times for me to snap out from this spell he cast on me.

No more. If I will be jealous, if I have to be jealous, if I can't help but be jealous, then it has to stop now. I can't deal with this. Bastante es bastante.

I always lose the people I want to hold on to...

Alam mo yun. It was just a picture. One moment I was looking at it, the next moment my jaws were clenched, my breathing was quick and I could almost swear that my heart was aching.

*cries*

---------------
I am officially promoting the book Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli. It's fantabulous, my babies.

Na.pur.na.da [part 2]

2007-08-24T21:44:00.000-04:00

Yes. Well, nothing is perfect, try as I may to make everything so. Perhaps I am better off not trying, yes? I really don't know.

This day has been... bold. Yes, I think that word quite describes it: bold.

Ask me why I asked Candy to have coffee with me at Hoboken, ask me why I had offered to pick her up, ask me what I was thinking. I believe my answer to all those questions would be I don't know. And that would be that.

We were chatting online last night. It was pretty much harmless. I had tried not to touch matters I could not deal with, and she did not press. I asked her when she was headed back to Glasboro and learned that she was headed out Saturday - tomorrow.

Panic-stricken (and a little elated, I must admit), I did what any ex would do: I asked her to hang out. She told me that in the morning she had business to take care of at the Bronx, but that she would be back in the city in time for lunch. I said one-ish was perfect and offered to pick her up, which she did not decline.

I was up by nine in the morning. Excited, I guess. And I saw that she was still online, apparently she has been unable to sleep. I asked her whether she was up to seeing me and she said yes. Well, I'm not about to turn her down, am I?

By eleven-thirty, I was in the shower. By twelve-fifteen, I was headed out. By one (Sharp!), I was at Marin Boulevard and Montgomery Avenue. Leave it to me to take one-ish as one sharp.

I received a message telling me to wait up at the mall instead. I was confused but started towards the mall.

Loads of time to kill and no one to kill it with, I decided to head for Cosi... Phil.

Now that I think about it, while I made my way through the hundreds of hungry people trying to order lunch, I had second guessed myself - I didn't want to see Phil. But then if I had not wanted to see him, what was I doing there? I came up the counter, talked to the asian girl working the register and said Is Philip working?

Yee-noo-yeeaaahh-sss, she said while looking around. He's prolly just at the back getting something.

I looked around. Too many people. And Candy could be waiting for me somewhere. I used the bathroom and left a little too hurriedly. I took my phone out, ignoring a message I got from Candy, and typed Popped in. Couldn't stay. Sorry I missed you. Send. Sent.

I opened her message next. Apparently she was waiting for me at FYE. I typed I'm at the bookstore, sent the message. Two seconds later I realized that the bookstore was right by FYE and that all that stood between them was a flight of stairs. *face palm*

In less than a minute I got I'm at the bookstore from her. I couldn't think of anything else to reply so I typed I'm at FYE. Lol

I believe I was sprinting to FYE. No, I don't just believe I was sprinting. I was sprinting. She replied Stay there.

I stood outside FYE, straightening out my clothes, trying to make it look like I had not been running five miles an hour just thirty seconds ago. I flipped through the book I held in my hand for props...

Until her eyes pored into my soul.

I was uncertain whether I was to hug her or kiss her or just leave her alone. I let her decide: she kissed my cheek. Let's pass by Cosi, okay? I want a Chai latte.

Life is cruel. Life is too cruel. I couldn't tell her that I didn't want to go to Cosi, so we went, saw Phil, got her stupid Chai latte and headed for Hoboken.

Hoboken was uneventful. By four, she was ready to go home, so I took her Downtown and headed home. Or at least I tried.

Jen messaged me, asking me where I was. I called her, asked her where she was. She told me she was at Newport (the mall) with Ryan. I told her to stay there, that I would be there in fifteen and hung up.

I met up with her at FYE (Why do people love meeting up there?) and headed out.

But, as Fate would want it, we ran into the couple I wanted to see the least: Candy and Phil. Before I could say anything, (Which, to be quite honest, had taken about five minutes anyway because I was completely dumbfounded at the cruelty of it all.) he blurted out What are you talking about missing me? You two came to see me. I was there, she was there, you were there. He looked confused. So did Candy.

I looked up at the both of them, then I looked at Jen. All three of them were waiting for an answer and I didn't have one. It's nothing... I began. It's just that I was there earlier, I continued while trying to evade their stare. When I finally had the courage to look up, I saw Phil's enlightenment and Candy's... fear.

Fear. It is not the unknown that we fear. We fear what we know too well...

I stood frozen to the spot, waiting for their next move. Whatever happened next, I wanted it to have been their move, not mine.

Where are you headed? Phil asked.

Hoboken, I said.

Again? It was Candy this time.

Yeah, I said then shrugged.

I waited for them to leave. I waited for them to go away but they weren't moving. I guess they were waiting for us to leave too.

Well, lead the way, Phil said.

What? I was... angered.

Aren't you headed to Hoboken? he asked.

I hesitated for a second, then took Jen's arm and started towards the escalator. They tailed behind us. Jen kept giving me make-them-go-away looks. I just wanted all of it to be over...

I had a plan. Jen and I would walk slowly, subtly slip behind them, and lose them in the after-work rush. It didn't work. They kept looking back at us. And when we trailed too far behind, they sat down and waited for us. It was ridiculous.

He left Candy, walked towards me and Jen and said Sss-lll-ooooooooow.

Jen wants to know if you're coming with us to Hoboken, I said. If they couldn't take a hint, then there was no other way. Jen gave me a what-the-fuck-do-you-think-you-are-doing look. I winked at her.

Phil walked towards Candy, talked to her for thirty seconds and waved goodbye. YEAH!

When we were out of hearing range, Jen said What the hell was all of that about?

Napurnada, was all I could say.

Na.pur.na.da

2007-08-23T23:13:00.000-04:00

Fil. (v) didn't go as planned.

Ayun. If I were to pick a word to describe this day, that word would be napurnada.

I was supposed to bring him his last paycheck. I was supposed to surprise him (He asked me to take it to him, I said no but I was going to take it to him anyway.) I wanted to get him new sneaks (His old ones gave up on him already.), stop by Cosi to give him the sneaks and the check, and he was supposed to find it unbelievably sweet. He was supposed to tell me it was the sweetest, craziest, most romantic thing anybody's ever done for him...

But no. He picked up his own check.

When I saw him, I was frozen to the spot. For two seconds there was a million customers between us and then it was just him and me, everything else just faded.

Why are you here? I sounded angry. I was angry.

Why else? To see you, of course. He, on the other hand, was happy.

Leave. I said it with the same tone I used to ask him why he was there. I... I just couldn't believe he was there.

Why? he asked.

Because... Just leave! If I wasn't screaming before, I was screaming then.

What happened today? he asked me.

Nothing. Just leave. I was breathing hard. My hands were shaking.

What? Talk to me. What happened?

I kept quiet. I had nothing to say.

Is Miss Kitten too good to talk to Phil now? he then asked.

No, of course not, I said then sighed. I was supposed to come to Cosi. I was going to take your check.

He looked at me and asked, Were you?

Yeah, I was. I didn't tell you because it was supposed to be a surprise. I started writing his name on the check release form, but my hands were shaking.

You could still go, he said, taking the pen from my hand, our fingers intertwining for a second.

No, I can't, I said.

Yes, you can he argued.

No, I can't! He was starting to tick me off again.

Why not?! I guess he was getting ticked off too.

Because... Because... Just leave! I was on the brink of tears. I walked out of the room. It was too much...

And then she was there.

*forces a laugh* I should have known, of course, that she would be there too. I don't know why I didn't expect it, why it caught me off guard, but what does it matter anyway?

I was ready to start bawling. I walked to the farthest end of the counter.

She kicked me out... She kicked me out... Phil was saying this over and over again. Candy was just like What? Why? And Phil just kept saying She kicked me out...

I was avoiding their eyes. I had not the strength to endure any more... Then they started walking away.

Bye, Kit. That was Candy. I acknowledged her with a nod.

I looked at Phil for a second, only for a second, but he caught my gaze. The way he was looking at me, I can't explain it, but it kinda said Why are you doing this to me? I held his gaze, tried to tell him I was sorry...

Poor, little puppy. :(

:)

Ecstasy beyond words.

Existence

You are my religion.

Mahal kita. [mah-hahl' kee-tah']

Presentation. Met.

All the Things that Went Wrong Today

Soulmates :)

I'm not stupid, just naive.

Thank God for Persistence!

Meeting the Friends

on Perfection

Huhu.

anand Sanskrit. adj. bliss.

.

*blush*

Things I loved about today.

.

Love Break Me Now

*wide grin*

I *heart* nerds

People from Stevens should die.

Er.

Lalala :)

Project for a healthy, happy, fulfilled life.

Hmm.

*heart weep*

Seven

Meh.

A Tribute to 2007

Grrr.

May I have this dance?

Yay for Creative Labs!

Best Christmas Ever

Missing you...

The Forest for the Trees

Kitten <3 Snyder 4ever

Calculus oh! Calculus

JESUS as described by Joe

Christmas Party - Dunkin Donuts style

Kitten-ini doing Kundalini

Pizza is socially awkward.

Huhu

*

Heaven: The road back home is shorter than you know

Lucky Dumpling

[To be edited]

Pumpkin muffins taste funny.

Shurikens and paper hearts

Chelsea

Rants, Raves and Everything in Between

*rubs eyes*

*yawn*

Age Before Beauty

Bore me to death and I swear I'll haunt you.

Waaah.

Now, I understand.

Haynaku!

*wide grin*

*heavy sigh*

When It Rains, It LOVE Pours

On the Hunt

Teehee.

Lay with me, I could use the company...

Waha.

*sigh*

And the decline begins...

:)

Agape [ah-ge-peh]

Life is beautiful...

beautiful

Just thinking aloud...

Eenie-meenie-minie-moe.

Swivel chair, yeah.

Bio Midterm. BECCA. Mai's Birthday. Victor's hat.

C is for Calculus

Your Vice

Keeper daw.

Hay buhay.

Er...

blush

wide grin

I heart nerds

heart weep

rubs eyes

yawn

wide grin

heavy sigh

sigh

sobs

beams [edit]

Perfect. sigh

beams

wide grin